Honesty, at last.

I am unhappy to say that he has been smoking a bit for the past month. I am very happy to say that he finally said something. I can credit a lot of this to his mom.

At breakfast this morning, I asked his parents what I should do. He wasn't with us because he was feeling sick and wanted to sleep in longer. By the end of breakfast, we concluded that his mom would mention something. She would be the "bad mom" so I could be the "good mom." LoL.

Well, it seems to have worked.

When his dad went to go drop off his mom at work, I took that opportunity to bring up yesterday again. There was no drama. Just talked calmly. And he eventually apologized for lying to me.

It wasn't a surprise to me that it turned out I was right in my suspicion. I didn't get angry. I just hugged him and reminded him that I love him. And of course, I continued to remind him that he needs to be honest with me, because it's much better for me to be upset about a truth than about a lie.

Even though I am sad that the smoking has started again, I feel a weight lifted. I am more happy about his honesty than anything else. It's like I finally feel like he loves me. It's a strange way to say it, but it's true. I feel like he finally loves me enough and trusts me enough to be honest with me, to stop hiding from me. And in turn, I feel like I can trust him a little bit more.

This is a huge breakthrough in our relationship, from my standpoint. Instead of possibly protecting his pride, reputation, or my feelings.... instead of getting that high from "getting away with things".... it's like he's finally taken that step to really rebuild the integrity in our relationship. And I hope this will continue. I anticipate setbacks. What helps is that I know (and he knows) that he can't bullshit me. But we're headed in the right direction now. Progress has been made. That first crucial step has been taken.

I can say nothing more than that God has answered my prayers, and I am elated at what has just happened today. I love my husband so much. I want to be the wife that can support him and continue to be here for him as we try to overcome this (again, but hopefully in a better way this time).

Suspicion and Paranoia

I knew there was another thing I hated about California. I suspectYubo of more things down in Cali than up in Washington.

I suppose it's because I believe in how easy it is for old habits to return when you're back in the place where that habit was prominent.

Of course, in this case, I'm talking about Yubo's smoking.

He's gone outside at random times for no good reasons. He spends mire time than is needed when he goes outside for something.

The kicker to my suspicion happened yesterday.

We've been staying with his parents. They recruited our help to remodel an upstairs bedroom and turn it into a library (such an awesome idea). The plan was to start painting yesterday morning. I was puttering around, waiting for someone to pour me paint so I could
start painting the edges -- I wasn't dressed for painting and wanted to minimize the chances of getting paint on myself.

Yubo had gone outside and closed the door. Unusual in this household when it's good weather. When it was taking him so long, I went out.

He was standing behind the last car in the driveway. I watches his shadow briefly. His hand went to his mouth, then back down. Perfect timing and look if he were smoking (it wasn't like he wiped something off his face). This happened twice before I called out. As soon as I did, his shadow squatted down and he immediately opened the trunk and made like he was looking for something.

The air smelled faintly of smoke. I commented on it, and he said he thought that was weird too. He walked to to side of the car as I approached the back. He maintained a good distance from me.

We basked is the sun momentarily. I had forgotten what I came out to ask him.

There was a single flat cigarette butt right where he was standing.

I finally remembered -- I wanted to know where the rollers were to paint. He said he was just looking for them.

Then I told him my suspicion. Of course, he denied it. I asked if I could smell his breath. He complained that he had morning breath, which is easy for him to try to hide behind because he knows I hate morning breath. It's why I don't kiss him until after he brushes his teeth. But he should have known that I knew he still had morning breath, yet was still asking to smell because of my suspicion.

His breath smelled of smoke. Not strongly, but I've been a little sick.

I told him what I saw with his shadow. He didn't say anything. I told him I love him, and that I didn't want him hiding anything from me, especially if it was him smoking again. And I walked back into the house.

He hasn't said anything since, but has looked at me like he wants to say something -- or maybe I'm just projecting.

It's been very stressful for him lately at work. And this vacation has been far from a vacation with this remodeling project. It wouldn't surprise me if he turned to cigarettes again, especially down here in Cali.

It's been so prominent in my mind that I dreamt about it last night -- of how he wouldn't say anything to me.

I want him to either confess, if there is anything to confess, or reassure me that he isn't lying to me. He doesn't really do anything to help me trust him (and you guys know what an issue this has been for us). And I've been trying my best to just believe in him, but that part of me that was so devastated and betrayed those years ago still lingers.

But I say it shouldn't be all on me to try to trust him again. I really need him to do his part in being honest with me, not setting off my triggers (all of which he clearly knows), and reassuring me -- because I'm really doing as much as I can on my own and in prayer.

Considering Sleeping Separately.

First off: No. Nothing is wrong.

I was watching Oprah, and they were talking about and polling the audience about what's normal. There was a couple happily married for 9 years, sleeping in separate bedrooms (one upstairs, one downstairs) for 8 years. Of course, the majority of the audience, along with Dr. Phil, thought that was not normal at all. Dr. Phil even said he was concerned for them, even if it might be working out well for them.

I've been thinking about sleeping separately from Yubo for a while. I thought about it most during a time when I was dealing with insomnia. I wasn't getting to bed until Yubo was getting out. I felt that during that time, although I was very frustrated with my insomnia, I was sleeping better without him in bed.

Now, the strange thing about this is at night, when not necessarily dealing with insomnia, I can't sleep without him. When he's out working late, I will more likely than not stay up until he comes home. Or if I manage to fall asleep, I wake up nearly every hour until he's home. I'm constantly concerned about when he's going to be home, scared if something might have happened (especially if he doesn't respond to any call or text), or my mind gets overactive and I scare myself.

But when he leaves for work, I seem to be more at ease being home alone. Also, sleeping when it's light out helps me feel safe being alone (I know that's not true, but it's how I feel). And I'm not so worried with Yubo being out because he's supposed to be.

Still, I generally seem to sleep better without Yubo in bed. Or when we had our other couches, I was more comfortable sleeping on the couch for a while.

The other part of this is Yubo's snoring and thrashing. The snoring isn't too horrible. I shared a room with my sister for years, so it was something I mostly became able to handle. However, I "joke" a lot about building some sort of barrier to keep him on his side. There have been many instances of waking up to nearly being elbowed in the face. He's actually hit me sometimes, or had his foot or leg completely on my side, so I'd usually be scrunched up and nearly falling off the bed sometimes.

Ah... and the final thing is blankets. We don't share a blanket. He has his one or two, and I have my one or two. It's nice to hog my own blankets and not be concerned about him. HOWEVER, he will often get overheated as he sleeps, or simply thrash around as usual, and it's a 50-50 chance that the blanket(s) will end up on the floor or on me. It's another way that he crowds my sleep space.

We've thought about getting two twin-full sized beds and keeping them separate, pushing them together if we're feeling lovey-dovey (which is rare for us, but not really a bad thing). I don't think I'd be too keen on having my own room, so just separate beds would be sufficient for me.

Ah... what a luxury this would be though. Too bad we can't afford it. :P

Segregating Friends.

Yubo is such an amazing and likable guy that it's easy to see how all my friends get along so well with him and like hanging out with him.

I wish I was like that.

Yubo mentioned to me that his best friend Joe and his wife Kellie weren't too keen on not being invited to Yubo's birthday party.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like them or anything. I just tend to prejudge in certain situations. I do this with my customers (only notifying some about a sale or something), and even with my own friends (who to tell that I'm coming home or what not, middle school friends, choir friends, etc). In that way, I suppose you could say it was a deliberate exclusion.....

With Yubo's birthday, all I was thinking was that I wanted to give him a chance to game at home with friends. Thus, I invited friends that didn't necessarily have kids to deal with and would be able and willing to stay out late.

I also tend to separate Yubo's life into what has to do with me and what doesn't necessarily. Not to sound rude, but I tend to feel that Joe and his family don't have a whole lot to do with me. This also applies to the life and friends that Yubo had before he met me. I kind of keep myself as an outsider when it comes to that part of Yubo's life. I'm not as sociable as Yubo is, so I can't integrate myself into his circle of friends like he can do with mine. With Joe specifically, I am convinced that he maintains a negative opinion of me, so in my head I'm making things easier by limiting interactions.

Please note, Joe has been the bigger person and has tried including me with his invitations to Yubo for hanging out at their house and bbq's and what not. Unfortunately, I usually can't bring myself to try to be there and get over the discomfort I have around him. I wanna say that living together has really gotten in the way of any really positive relationship we could have. Or, you know, this really could all be one-sided (on my side) and there really isn't a problem.

Now, had I just planned a simple dinner out like we've done before, I probably would have opted to just have dinner with Joe, Kellie, their kids, along with possibly Eric, Cara, and their little Brooklyn -- then I probably wouldn't have invited who I did for the gaming. So I invite by situation, and I'm realizing that isn't really fair at all.

I'm concerned that I really offended them, even though I really didn't mean to. Yubo told me that it wasn't as huge a deal as I thought it was -- he said they wouldn't really have been able to come over anyway, especially because Gavin (their son) is deathly allergic to cats. But that doesn't change the fact that I did neglect that his best friend (and family) might have wanted to be a part of his birthday celebration. :/

Name Change.

I've really been putting off legally changing my last name. Well, with Yubo's birthday came the expiration of his license. So we went off to the DMV yesterday to renew his license and get all the changes done to mine.

So I have officially begun the process of changing my name.

I have to order another copy or two of the official certificate or whatever because I have to mail in for a new SS card and my passport. I don't want to wait for them to mail it back to me, if they actually would mail it back.

Tomorrow I will see if I can order new bank cards, and contact whatever other companies I need to that might not require an official document to be mailed to them.

Ugh! What a hassle! Makes me wish I was ok with just keeping my name......

Yubo's Birthday.

Yikes. It's been a while since my last post. But nothing very eventful happened in that time.

Yubo turned 29 two days ago. Whenever I asked him what he wanted or what he wanted to do, he wouldn't give me any good answer. So I took it upon myself to do something fun for his last year in his 20's.

I really wanted to bake a cake for him -- more specifically, my chocolate kahlua cake. But I knew a cake would be too much for just the two of us, so I figured it'd be good to have friends over. A good excuse to have friends over for Yubo is..... GAMING. So I invited friends that I thought would be able to come and knew would want to play.

But first, the cake. I was so excited that I wanted to make it in time for him to have a slice right when it became his birthday. That didn't work out too well, and we ended up staying awake waaaay too long. But I did complete the cake:


We were so tired that we ended up missing church. So instead, we went out to a nice breakfast at a place in Seattle called Kona Kitchen.


When we got home, I finally framed our marriage certificate and put it on the wall. It didn't last very long up because I didn't use the supporting strips, but now hopefully it's up more securely.


Then I got to more baking. I got a box of Tastefully Simple Pumpkin Bread for Yubo, so I thought this would be a good occasion to finally make it and not have leftover bread, since I don't eat pumpkin anything.



It's good that Yubo gets along so well with the friends I've made up here. Albert and Musashi, who worked with me at Fry's, and Albert's gf came. Also, Andrew, who was in Yubo's small group from church retreat, was able to make it.

Albert brought his TV, XBox360, and some games. Setting things up was a little fussy. But it got done and gaming on two large televisions in our living room commenced.


People were still a little hungry, and although Yubo bought three large bags of Chex Mix, we opted for Tastefully Simple Cinnamon Muffin Melts. So yummy! Must get another box (or two, or five).


We ended up going out to buy another XBox controller (because we only have one since I never cared to play any XBox games) and Call of Duty: Black Ops. This enabled all four guys to play together.


Finally, it was getting late, so we ended the night with cake.


Yubo seemed to have a really good night, and I was so happy that he finally was able to game with guys that love gaming as much as he does. I also liked that he was playing with friends, and not strange people over the internet.

Overall, a successful 29th birthday.

New sofa. Cats. Framing.

New Sofa
Our LaZ-Boy recliner sofa arrives tomorrow morning!! Hooray!! They gave us a time block of 9am-12pm for deliver. Depending on when they actually arrive, I may have to miss another accounting class. I hope that doesn't happen. I think at the most I might be a little late, even if they come at 12pm. Since it's a 2hr class, I can at least make it for the second hour, I think. I think the dangerous part will be me wanting to relax on the sofa when it gets here instead of going to class. LoL.

Cats
Chiyo has peed outside the litter box a number of times. A few times next to the fridge before we put a litter box there, and once in front of the fireplace (right in front of me). I took her to the vet to rule out any medical issues. Health is good, so it was behavioral. The vet gaves us some suggestions on what to do, which we've only partially put into effect. One was take the cat tree away (she stays on the top tier, which keeps her in a dominant position), and the other was to separate them at night.

When we got back from the vet, she peed on the carpet next to the cat tree. So that led me to confine her in the bathroom for the majority of the day. I found a larger cat cage to get her, so we're using what we budgeted for a new cat tree for that cage instead. Yubo says I can order it after this Thursday. (I know I said we budgeted for it, but I think it was used for mortgage cuz we got really tight at a few points.)

Framing
I think I'm never going to order framing from Michael's ever again. I mentioned that we were going to have our red cloth from the wedding framed to put up on the wall. We spent a frustrating couple of hours getting it to look just the way we wanted. Got it set and ordered. It was a really pretty wood frame with flower carvings, a gold trim that reminded me of Cambodia, and gold and silver mats to border the cloth. Then there were some problems ordering the mats, so there was some delay to reorder them. After just over a month, they finally figured out that the problem was because the mats we wanted did not come oversized. Yeah, it took them a month to figure that out after trying to reorder them.

So we had to go back in to see if we could choose different mats. I was so frustrated just going in because I was remembering just how long it took us to do it the first time, and I felt we had exhausted all our options the first time. When we walked in there and asked about our order, the lady helping us still thought the mats were being reordered. I had to tell her that the manager had called me and told me those mats couldn't be used. So she checked the notes he had written down and confirmed what he had told me. Seriously?? Their staff doesn't even know what's going on with their orders. After another gruelling hour or so, we chose two different mats that worked. But then it became an issue of if we really wanted to give our money to them when they were being so unprofessional.

I took the cloth back so I could iron it, but we ended up deciding that we could use the money for better things.... like mortgage. The only things I regret are not having that gorgeous frame and not having our red cloth up on the wall.

Our funds have actually been quite tight, but nothing too much to complain about. God has kept us in a good place. He answered Yubo's prayer for bigger jobs. We know that we are so blessed that Yubo has a good job with good benefits (that's helping me get healthy) and that I have the ability to continue school without having to work. We have A LOT to be thankful for and we know it all comes from God.

Mission: Make Time for Each Other

Today was perhaps the longest day I've had in a very long time. Sporadically waking up throughout the previous night left me sleepy all day. Accounting was 12:30-2:40p with a teacher that I have mixed feelings about. Despite my original plans to stay on campus during my 5hr break between classes, I had to come home to drop off a gift basket I made for my boss. Spending the rest of the time at home allowed me to see Yubo for 20min before having to leave for class. Math from 7:50-10:00p. The teacher this time seems great. A little snag about textbooks, but not something that can't be solved.

I had to pick up gas on my way home, and ramps closed and the ridiculousness of Bellevue not having easy-to-find gas stations and the stupidity of my Magellen gps (I really really REALLY miss my Garmin... I'm going to have to harass Yubo's brother to send it back to me) already got me started.

The idea of having to pick up food before going home became an increasingly annoying chore. I started to really sympathize with Yubo during those nights when all I do is call him to see when he's coming home because I'm hungry. This experience inspires me to have chicken in the slow cooker at least on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that I don't have to worry about food when I get home after class.

Now that I have school, there's more for me to do without sitting around waiting for Yubo. Unfortunately, I think we're already handling this in a bad way.

Yubo is yet again consumed by StarCraft. When I was trying to talk to him, now that I still missed him during the day, his lack of response flared my irritation from before. He's apologized before, explaining that nearly every time I try to talk to him, he's in a big battle. I joked before that he needed to stop fighting. Love and peace.

Anyhow, it's beginning as I feared. He's busy with work and being consumed by games and television again. I have a full load of school on top of cat fights and trying to keep the house from getting any messier. Now it's not only him that won't seem to make time for me. Coming home tired from a late night math class and trying to talk to him when he's not responding makes me not want to interact with him either. So there he is on his laptop and headphones plugged in playing StarCraft, and here I am about 5ft away on my laptop blogging about how we're not spending any time together.

It's been that the only time I can get him away from that game is to ask him a favor (help me take out the trash, help me load this thing of laundry, help me with something), and even then it's, "Ok. Let me finish this battle."

I'm scared for us.

Thankfully, we are meeting with P.Wayne for a "6 month checkup." This idea came about when I talked with him about seeking a counselor for myself, and I ended up talking more about my concerns about our marriage. My new fear is that Yubo will get caught up in some ridiculous job and miss the meeting. But I'm trying to have faith that he won't let that happen, and that we'll have this checkup and it will be an intense eye-opener for both of us (because I'm not going to hold back, and I hope he doesn't either), and we can start on a more straight path towards a better marriage and life together.

Searching for Housewife 101

There were times when I was thankful that my parents didn't run me ragged as the house slave as some children became. However, as I got older, I realized that it really set me back that I didn't have house chores that I had to do or else. For instance, I am still quite embarrassed that I don't know how to properly clean a bathroom, and so that task usually left up to Yubo.

The other thing that I don't know how to do is shop for groceries to prepare meals for the entire week. On the rare occasion that I want to cook something, I go to the store for just those things to prepare that single meal that night. The extent of my preparing for the week is a loaf of bread, peanut butter and jelly, aside from stocking up on Lean Cuisine and Lean Pockets and other frozen foods that just pop into the microwave.

In Eddie Izzard's Definite Article, he does this bit about fruit which is just about how I am in a market. I simply don't really know what I'm doing. (Eddie Izzard one of our favorite comedians, by the way. Love him.)

So I turned to the internet, Google in particular. I was hoping that some fabulous person has compiled a magnificent guide on how to be a good housewife that I could use as a reference. Perhaps it would include how to shop at the grocery to be prepared for all meals throughout the week, how to properly clean things (and not just turn to Windex for everything as I tend to do -- Yubo is happy that I have discovered the multipurpose Windex so that I won't damage the coffee table), or an example of a daily schedule that I might be able to follow until I get the hang of things.

Alas, such a guide was not to be found within that first page of results. In fact, the very first result I received was "Housewife 1 On 1 - Porn Review of Housewife 1On1." Um..... not quite, but thanks for that, Google.

Living Room Makeover: Phase I

The couches were successfully moved out of our place and into the home of my dear friends, Carol and George. Carol went to high school with me, and although we never really hung out with each other, we maintained a fairly good friendship. It was a huge surprise to find her married and living in Kent (at the time she found me on FB).

Anyhow, they were fabulous enough to save us the $40 removal fee that we were planning for the large couch. They got the couch and loveseat for the cost of renting a U-Haul, and we have an open living room to prep for our new recliner sofa (whenever that arrives).

I'm excited to have the living room mostly cleared so I can rearrange things into a more suitable layout. And Yubo is ridiculously excited to have a reclining sofa.

Unfortunately, although our salesguy told us that shipment was scheduled for 9/11, we haven't received any updates or calls yet. And he hasn't replied to any of my e-mails, so I think we'll have to call the distribution center and see what's going on. Luckily, the distribution center is down in Kent, so it's not like we have to wait for our sofa to travel across states.

Perhaps because the couches are gone, Yubo has gone back to playing Star Craft. The only seating we have out here now are a fitness ball (which I'm sitting on at the moment), a keyboard bench, and the chairs that go to the dining table -- none of which allow Yubo to lean back, which was the whole purpose of getting a recliner (because he's so darn stubborn about sitting properly).

I'm going to have Carol (and maybe George?) over again some time this week to help me clean up and rearrange this living room. My eyes are particularly on the perimeter of the room, where we've shoved that majority of our belongings to keep the center of the room clear.

A good thing is that the cats don't seem too lost without the couches. Perhaps the most fuss is coming from Tifa, but I can't tell if it's anything about the couches or if she's still worrying over Chiyo.

p.s. I've concluded that Tifa really does like Chiyo and just wants to play, while Chiyo still would rather have nothing to do with her. But it's only been 3 months.

Kids or no?

My mom called me today, and I finally told her that I might not want to have kids. I could hear the disappointment in her voice as she tried to support me.

She explained to me that in her experience, her relationship with my dad didn't improve until my sister and I came along. But that was because they didn't marry for love. So I told her that we don't need to have children in order to have a good relationship.

She asked me what Yubo thought about my possibly not wanting kids, and I explained to her that he could go either way. Then she asked if I told Yubo's parents yet (as if this was some horrible news I had to break), and I told her about how they didn't have Yubo until years into their marriage.

As it is now, I'm more concerned about being healthy myself before bringing a new life into this world and worrying about its health alongside my own. Heck, I may want to just be a happy cat-mom of three for these next 10+ years of their lives. Dunno. Our sights and priorities will constantly be changing.

I feel a little bad, but I don't want to limit myself to telling my parents years ago that I wanted to bear them grandchildren. Then I think the reason for having kids wouldn't be the right one.

I told my mom that it's still something that we're thinking about. I haven't told her anything about my desires to live in China and Japan for a year each. She wouldn't understand why I would possibly want to do that. But she agrees that it's much better to travel without children, otherwise we're stuck for a few years before we can fly again. She also thinks it would be better to have either the cats or babies, not both at the same time. LoL. I have to agree with her on that one though, especially with a cat like Tifa.

It's something for us to pray about, but honestly it's not very high up on our prayer list. :P

A Salad Might Improve Our Marriage.

*I changed the title of this entry from "save" to "improve," as I realized that we don't need saving just yet.*

I mentioned how Yubo reacted to my book study proposal. I talked with him again about it last night, asking what I could do to encourage him to read. He said he would think about it, but couldn't come up with anything just yet.

It was actually pretty interesting last night. I was getting a little frustrated that our association wants us to leave our door open for 5 hours this Saturday to paint. I threw out that we should get a temporary screen door before realizing they would probably tape up plastic to protect stuff. Yubo said I was being extreme, and when I asked how, he balked and quickly said I wasn't being extreme.

Eventually, I told him that it feels like he treats me like a dangerous crazy lady sometimes. So I asked him to stop doing that, and to tell me his thoughts and opinions even if they differ from mine and even if he thinks I'll get upset.

I don't remember if it was before or after this, but we generally had some good discussions. At one point, I noticed he was trying to hang in there but was slipping away. I simply asked if he needed me to stop and he confirmed, so I stopped. I later gave him a hug and thanked him for giving me that much time, for being honest with me, and that I wanted more of it.

Then we talked about reading the book. He went off to grab a drink for the morning. As I sat in bed waiting for him, it hit me. I could eat a salad. He always wants me to eat salads, and would do anything to get me to.

So I wrote out a contract: For each chapter he reads and discusses with me, I will eat one salad within that week. He read it, agreed, and we signed it.

Even if I have to eat a salad, I'm really looking forward to going through this book with him.

After I Calm Down.

Sometimes I wonder when I should really post entries. Most of the time, I think it's important to be accurate about what I'm feeling at all times. Other times, I feel like I should wait until I calm down to think more clearly. For you readers, it'd probably be much better if I waited. :P

Anyway, I did bring up studying that book together since the mood was good. His reaction was about what I expected. Don't know if reading the book together will actually happen or not, but I'll try to encourage without pressing too hard -- don't want him to shut down.

Since I hear that the first year is the most difficult, I just want to try to start off as best we can. I know we'll go through tough times, but I want us to know how to support each other during those times.

Fears/Concerns.

In my bit of distress, I started reading "Traits of a Lasting Marriage," a book someone gave us. The more I read, the more I want Yubo to read so we can share thoughts, discuss, and work on our marriage.

However, I'm not sure if I will ever actually propose my desired study to him. He didn't care to read "Men are from Mars...," barely skimmed "5 Love Languages," and did the very minimum of our premarital homework. It's not just that he doesn't like reading all that much, but he doesn't seem to see the point or benefit if these kinds of books.

It's actually a little hurtful that he won't put any effort into these things, even if I tell him they're important to me. If he thinks it's dumb, he might put in just enough effort to get it over with, or will put it off enough that I give up (usually the latter).

I've tried to stop making such requests, and I'm not nagging him so much. For instance, I didn't force him out of bed to go to church, so we ended up not going. I didn't ask him several times to turn down the volume of his game because I wanted to get to sleep. I ended up just staying awake and reading instead.

Am I loosening up and trying to work with him and accept him, or am I allowing him to walk over me? I'm still very lost on any sort of concept of give and take in a relationship. Any amount of "give" that I give, I tend to feel I'm being taken for granted. Any bit I want to "take," I feel selfish and undeserving (well, sometimes I feel deserving but am denied).

There's a balance in there somewhere, and I'm nowhere close to finding it on my own, much less with him alongside me.

It's really frustrating. I continue to feel like we're in two separate and very different relationships. And it often comes up that he's happy and satisfied while I'm not, and I simply can't understand how that is possible and how he doesn't see that something is wrong.

Ignorance is bliss? Maybe for him. Surely not for me.

Home safe and sound.

Left Yubo home to change out the clumping litter to recycled newspaper pellets, as the doctor ordered, while I went to pick Tifa up. Poor baby has a bandage around her paw. I wonder how long it will stay on. We have to give her antibiotics(?) twice daily for a week, which I know she will not like at all. Maybe this really will be a lesson to stop fighting with Chiyo. :P

Being a paranoid mother?

Yubo was particularly difficult to wake this morning, so we ended up not going to church. As I sat reading a marriage book that someone gave us, Chiyo and Tifa were having a typical spat in the background.

I let them have at it, and Tifa came away with a funny looking paw. I soon realized she was bleeding, and saw that one of her claws looked like it was bent back. So I freaked out and called the vet, writing down the number for emergencies they have recorded on their answering machine. Called them and explained what I saw. Even though she was walking around normally and didn't seem to be in too much pain, they told me to bring her in.

The piece of the nail that I saw was found detached in the carrier. It just looked like a sheath, like what would normally be shed, though the full size of a claw and a little bloody. The nurse (or "tech," as I heard them referred as in this place) took Tifa to the doctor just to look at, in hopes that not much would need to be done and Tifa would be taken care of for free. Unfortunately, they found that it was actually a split nail. It looked horrible and really painful, but she wasn't bleeding much anymore.

They were so busy, so even after waiting for about an hour, they suggested I leave her there so they can get to her when they can. It seemed there was only one doctor there and they were unusually busy, and the second doctor didn't come in until 2:00p (it was around noon at the time I left).

So now I'm sitting here, anxiously waiting for them to call me to pick her up. The tech told me they might not get to her until around 4:00p. I feel really bad because I didn't get to say anything to Tifa before the tech carried her away. But I left my jacket in the carrier, so hopefully that will let her know that I will come back to get her.

I think it was a good thing we didn't make it to church, because that could have happened while we were gone. It might be a little pricey to fix her up, but it shouldn't set us back too badly. And Yubo says maybe this will teach her to stop picking fights with Chiyo.

New sofa. Living room ideas.

I just re-read the email and saw that he said the estimated SHIPPING date was 9/11, not arrival. Sadness. So I guess it will be even longer for our new sofa to get here. That's ok though. It gives us more time to figure out how to get our sofa set to our friends' place. I also want to plan to be sofa free for at least a few days so we can really clean the living room. That means we'll be sitting on cushions for a while. :P

But getting this loveseat out of the way will give me access to the bookshelves nestled in the corner. I'm really excited about getting this living room made over.

We'll have the red cloth framed on the wall. I also have a frame that's waiting to be filled with some wedding photos and our marriage license.

And with the wall cleared up, I'll be able to see if my vision for what I call "kitty cubbies" will work. I basically want to put up shadow boxes, but make them large enough for a cat each to nest in. I haven't posed this idea to Yubo yet, but he likes those box shelves so maybe it'll work out.

Another Day Recap.

C/P from my personal blog again.

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Slept in a bit today. Had Yubo run out to grab more eggs and such, and I made us scrambled eggs for breakfast. Made him run out again for some ingredients I was missing for the slow cooker beef stew I wanted to make for dinner. And now he's out again to get bread to eat with the stew. ^^;;;

Super lazy day. We went out for lunch, and ended up spending a good amount of time at Play 'n' Trade. Bought some games, including a DDR for the PS2 that we'll have to get a controller adapter for since we only have a PS3.

We also got Baldur's Gate so that I could actually play a game with him. We played a little when we got home. It's actually pretty fun, and I really like being able to enjoy a game with him.

I'm also very excited for Wednesday night as Carol invited me to an anime night. Yay! Yubo's welcome to come too, but this is something that I don't mind doing without him so I won't feel bad if he doesn't want to or can't join us. ^_^

I think playing that game with him really made me feel better. Before when I wanted to try, he simply told me that I wouldn't like any of his games and didn't give me a chance. I mean, I know I don't care for things like Halo or even Borderlands, but I still just wanted to try. So he finally let me try (even though we had to buy more games to give me a chance), and it really does make me happy. Maybe now we can have some night to play a game together and I won't feel so neglected when he wants to play on his own.

I'm actually pretty tired already. It's not even 11p yet, and we even slept in a bit. But it would be a good thing if I can be tired enough to fall asleep on my own if I have to, even though tomorrow is a work day and Yubo shouldn't stay up too late. But I think I'm learning to just leave it up to him and let him know that I understand that he's an adult and it's up to him whether he's going to act like one or not. And I'll just be irritated if it ends up affecting me as well.

In that way, with all this time to think and reflect on myself, I think I'm actually finding ways to loosen up and handle situations concerning Yubo in better ways. And that's really better for both of us.

Yubo's Curiosity.

I don't know if I mentioned, but the other day we dropped $3 for a chocolate bar that sounded disgusting to me, but Yubo was curious enough that he absolutely had to try it. This is what we go, and he tried it, and he's still eating it. Apparently, it's not that gross. French Toast and Tortilla Lime + Salt are the other two flavors we saw. Just when I thought chili was the strangest thing I would find in chocolate...

Recapping the Day.

C/Ping this from my personal blog because I mentioned some things that work here too.

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Oof. Period Day 1 AND worship this morning. Yikes. It was a tough day for me. Already started off super cranky because I wasn't able to get to bed when I wanted to last night. Yubo didn't wake up on time, and so we ended up skipping breakfast (I grabbed myself a choco/pretzel bar, which I didn't eat until between services). For whatever reason, all the Motrin in the house disappeared so I was without pain meds. Yubo, in his not-nearly-awake-enough state asked me what I found an incredibly stupid question, so of course I kind of snapped at him. I heard him mutter, "This is going to be a long day," as I stalked off towards the car.

Luckily, it wasn't quite so bad. Right before prayer time, I gave him a hug. I don't know if he accepted it as the silent apology it was, but he seemed to perk up, which made me feel better. Thus, we survived another super early Sunday morning. It helped that we sang a really neat song that I really enjoyed singing.

During first service, Yubo ran off to get me some Motrin and Pamprin to help me get through the morning. He was kind enough to do that while I sat backstage.

Afterward, we went off to lunch at What the Phở. I don't usually care for phở as I prefer Chinese noodle soup with the big rice noodles, but as we haven't found a place that offers it the way I like it and Yubo likes phở, we went. Wasn't too bad. The warm soup calmed my body for a bit. I could see Yubo trying to contain his excitement when a fairly large group of Japanese kids came in and sat around us. Although it was fun for me to hear them flip between English (not Engrish) and Japanese, I found them a little too loud and irritating.

Yubo dropped me off to die on the couch while he went to fill the car with gas. I "napped" until about 6:00p, and I'm still feeling sleepy but I don't want to sleep too much.

Tonight I plan to make torikatsu because I happened to have bought some chicken yesterday, and before lunch Yubo mentioned he wanted katsu until we decided on phở. I also bought some beef chunks for beef stew which I can probably prepare in the slow cooker tomorrow.

I told Yubo after I woke up that I wanted to learn to play a game with him, one of his games. I said not Halo, or anything where I can fall down easily, because the one time I tried Halo with friends over, I killed myself within a few seconds of respawning. I guess it's tough because the games that he likes have such strange controls that are completely foreign to me. But even if I don't have much interest in his games, I want to try. Or maybe I can try a computer game with him that's not WoW or StarCraft.

I was reading a Chinese mànhuà called 1/2 Prince. It's set in the future and a new game gets released called Second Life. The person actually gets to experience the RPG world as their character, and they're only allowed one character to make it more realistic -- it's actually really neat. Anyway, the point I was getting to was the main characters parents also play the game and remain a couple. I just thought it was really cute. Since this kind of game interests both of us, I thought maybe we could do something similar.... although I'd probably drag us down since I'm not very good at games. I'd be scared if we had to join up with other members.

I suppose it's all I can think of to do to be able to spend more time with him without having to take his games away. If I play with him, I think it'll create another place where we can connect.

Suspicious Activity.

Although my sleep has been getting better, last night I didn't sleep well. Perhaps some sort of heart burn or acid reflux? So I fussed around and with Yubo's help, got myself settled with my sleep wedge. But I found myself awake at 2:15a, and the lights in the living room were still on.

I got out of bed to see what was keeping Yubo from coming to bed, and he wasn't in the house. Lights on, television on, his phone on the coffee table, radio in his basket. Saw that my car key was gone, but the door was left completely unlocked. So I decided to step outside to look around. My car was still there, so it's not that Yubo decided to take a quick run to the store. Then I saw him out by his truck.

Came back into the house and waited for him to return.

When I asked what he went out for, he told me that he was looking for a USB cable. Really? In your truck? At 2:15AM?

A little back story -- yesterday I spent a lot of time and frustration looking for two installation CDs for music programs that we bought a while ago, and lost a while ago. I wanted to see if what we installed onto the external hard drive would still work, but this laptop doesn't have the proper connection for the cable that was available at the time. Yubo asked me if it took USB, and I said it was mini-USB to USB. This happened fairly soon after he got home.

I think I mentioned before that I always get a little paranoid when he suddenly decides to go out to his truck really late at night right before bed. It's especially bad when the reason he gives is something like needing to check to see if he locked up the truck, or going to look for something that he thought he left in there -- all things that could have happened much earlier in the night, or that don't make a lot of sense to me.

So when he told me that he went to go look for a USB cable, and had my car key because he couldn't remember if it was in my car or his truck:

It's a USB cable. We have tons of USB cables all around the house. Why would you choose to go out to look for it in a car without searching at least the office first? And why does it have to be at 2:15AM? If you wanted to look for it, why didn't it happen when you asked if it took a USB cable earlier that night?

His actions were illogical to me, and because it's a hot button, it raised suspicion. So then my distrust kicked in. Isn't he spending a little longer washing up in the bathroom before coming to bed? His saving factor is that his hair doesn't smell like smoke, but has he finally found a way to completely hide it?

I'm scared because I've been putting a lot of stress on him, and can't help but continue to base things on the past because of my distrust, so I wouldn't put it past him to start smoking again and be better at hiding it from me. A prominent trait of his personality is that he likes to get away with things. And he's told me often that he will probably always feel even a slight craving for cigarettes. I appreciate the truth of that, but I really wish he wouldn't do such things that he knows are triggers to my paranoia.

I know that it hurts him incredibly that I don't trust him. And during a conversation just a few nights ago, I told him exactly the reason why it's so hard for me. I did trust him and I did believe in him, and he straight out lied to me. I trusted him and even gave him several opportunities to be honest with me, and each time he continued to lie to me. And it was twice that I actually caught him. I felt so betrayed. Perhaps if it didn't happen the way it did twice, I wouldn't be as bad as I am about it.

I try very hard to trust him again. But again I say it doesn't help at all when he acts so suspiciously. It also doesn't help that he probably thinks I'm being really dumb about all of this instead of actually trying to understand my feelings. I don't want him walking on eggshells, but I also don't want him to write off my concerns. I guess I feel like I'm trying my best to do what I can on my part on my own, and I feel that he's not really helping on his end like I need him to.

Update on Photos/Video

9/4/10: Hahaha. I completely forgot about finishing this post until I was searching for the entry to see when we went to Michael's.

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Finally sent Taky what he needed to complete our video: music, pictures, etc. He said the video should be done in about two more months. My mom was complaining that my grandparents are waiting to watch it. Sorry! My own fault for being so lax in getting Taky what he needed. But I'm still really excited to see it. So, you know, we'll get it in time to watch on our anniversary. LoL.

No word from Sam about the photos, but my dad added to his work load. And of course, he has other weddings to work on. I wish he'd e-mail me back and let me know that he's getting my messages though.

We also finally went down to Michael's to get our red cloth framed. Agh.. it was so expensive, even with their 50% off. Even if we waited for a 60% off, it would still have been over $1000. It better look amazing. It should arrive in time for redecorating/rearranging the living room. Our sofa set is going to friends and our new recliner sofa will be in around 9/11 (or so the salesman said... he's only had one late delivery so far, so hopefully ours won't add to his numbers). We wanted to use the red cloth as a backdrop for thank you videos (instead of thank you cards -- trying to save on postage, and just wanted to do something a little different).

My dad actually said we should print out our favorite wedding photo and write on the back for thank you notes. That's a throw back to high school dance pictures. And I came up with the video idea really just to save on postage since we can email the video out and also attach a picture to the email. If we wanted to email a thank you note, I think that would be tacky, so a video would be a much nicer thing to receive.

Anyhow, it'll be a little ways until these things are completed, but it's a lot to continue to look forward to. ^_^

Making our way back up the hill.

I'm still learning to let go of the things that aren't so important. I'm not so bothered about breakfast anymore. The other morning, he was finally smart enough to ask me to make him something to go. Also, if he seems particularly tired, I simply won't make anything and let him sleep. I also won't press him as hard to be out of bed "on time."

I've been able to sleep without him, and because of that, I feel like I'm getting a better sleep. It seems if I simply stop relying on him for things that he doesn't necessarily need to be responsible for, it all works out better. It's less pressure on him and fewer expectations from me.

Probably the main thing that continues to frustrate me is his lack of response to my letters, notes, and our "discussions." I told him one night that everything still feels very one-sided; I still only know my side of things based on how I feel, what I think, and my own observations. I still don't know how he feels, what he thinks, what his opinions are about our relationship and where our lives are taking us together.

I noticed that when he does give input in a slightly heated conversation, he goes back to the same thing, even if it actually doesn't have much to do with the topic or the question I asked. He's frustrated that I don't do much with myself. But when he talks about the things that frustrate him about me, I can't help but feel that he still doesn't get me at all, even after 5 years. I told him so, and he actually agreed.

We've fallen into this very strange situation of knowing each other and not knowing each other at the same time. I don't know if it's some sort of unconscious refusal to really understand the other person, some sort of miscommunication or general lack of communication, lack of observation... I don't know. I think we're both still too young and immature.

I was a little offended when my dad told Yubo's parents that I was still too naive during an engagement meeting, but when I look at myself now, I think I have to agree. (I wonder if I mentioned this anywhere before.... but I've been thinking about it for a while.) And I think it's because I want this world to be more simple than it really is. I often hear myself say, "I don't understand why it can't just be like this," and, "Why is this so unnecessarily complicated?" Or actually that I kind of refuse the world -- I don't care to know anything about our government, politics, what's really going on in the world -- I kind of refuse everything that isn't in my immediate bubble.

Perhaps that's why I put way too much focus on Yubo. He's in my immediate bubble. In a sense, he is my world. I've been trying to make him simple and straightforward and easy to understand. But he's human. It's impossible for him to be like that. Even I'm not like that. So why can't I enjoy the person that he is? Why do I put so much weight to flaws and misunderstandings and hurt feelings?

To put it visually, I think Yubo's feeling constricted by my tight bubble and is trying to get a little breathing room. Because my world is so narrowly focused on him, I see his struggle as trying to get away from me, and I feel hurt. I know this isn't the case, but I suppose it's my narrow vision and insecurity that makes me feel like this.

There are so many ways that we can balance each other out and make each other better, but we fight it. All we're experiencing right now is that he's feeling stiffled and I'm feeling hurt. Both of our mindsets need a drastic readjustment. And perhaps this won't be as difficult as it may seem. It actually wasn't very hard for me to be okay sleeping without him. I still miss him during the day and feel neglected if we don't spend much time together when he's available, but it hasn't increased with not going to bed at the same time. I'm pretty positive it would decrease if we did every once in a while, but now I recognize that it's really not such a huge thing. What studies say and what other people do doesn't dictate what is best and what will work for us. So I think Yubo and I need to really recognize how we can balance each other, and try our best to let it happen. And I conclude that the biggest thing that needs to happen is that I need to let go of control more, and Yubo needs to be a little more supportive. What I mean on Yubo's part is that he's very throw you in the water so you can figure out how to swim on your own, which doesn't work at all for me. And I'm very you have to do this and this and this in this way in order to succeed, and that goes against everything that Yubo is.

But again, we'll find balance. Just as we have these ups and downs, there will be fluctations in everything in our lives. There's nothing that says that we have to either only roll with it or only try to minimize the waves. We can work together and to both.

ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ ~ 私はあきらめる!

To start off, I really love Japanese emoticons. Looking at that super cute, yet obviously frustrated face with hands thrown into the air allows me to pour most of my frustration into it; I can let it scream for me.

"I give up!"

But not really. I'll probably continue trying to do what I've been doing. But Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Am I insane? Maybe a little. I know I'm crazy about Yubo. HAHAHAHAHAHA........ sorry.

This morning is the third time the breakfast I made him has ended up in a bag in the fridge -- well, technically the second one was left on the counter. I seriously think that if he knows he's that tired, and I don't know how we wouldn't know it, he should decline when I ask him if he wants breakfast. Or, you know, I should just be smart and stop asking, waiting instead for when he's actually out of bed. The problem, though, with that is by the time he gets out of be, he needed to be out the door half an hour ago.

He set his alarm for 5:30a this morning. It is now 7:30a, and he is still in bed. He finally decided to tell me that he'll just need to reschedule his appointment. Can he really do that? Didn't they expect him to be there this morning? What lie is he going to come up with this time to cover his ass?

Although I say that I probably won't really give up, he makes me feel like I really need to. Not so much give up on him or anything dramatic like that, but I need to give up on my ideals. To some extent, that's probably the smarter thing to do since my ideals are probably quite unrealistic, especially when applied to someone like Yubo. But it's a little painful that he seems to refuse to even try to meet me halfway on things.

In the 5.5ish years that we've been together, it seems that very little to no progress has really been made on some issues -- the sleeping, gaming and lying in particular. I hate that these are the things that continue to come up. I'm tired of thinking about them as you're probably tired of reading/hearing about them. But unfortunately, they're still issues that are irritating enough to get in the way of things. Quitting smoking was a HUUUUGE accomplishment, but I think it's really time to not let the other problems hide behind this one big praise.

We've done several 1 step forward, 5 steps back. I guess you can still calculate that as progress somehow, but unfortunately, I'm not patient enough for that.

I'm really not trying to bash him here. I'm frustrated.... extremely frustrated.... but it's more that I'm looking for different ways to approach him. I've really distanced myself because it feels like I simply can't talk to him anymore. Well, not that I've ever really been able to when it's anything concerning what's going on between us. But I don't want it to continue like this. I don't want to feel like I should just stop putting in the effort to fix things one-sided, and allow him to continue on in his happy version of our relationship while I continue to deteriorate in my frustrations.

There are solutions out there. I know it. There are family and friends and counseling and books that we could turn to.

My sister told me that we really should work on just talking to each other, which actually is something we should work on. It seems like we don't really talk anymore, and it's not just because he's at work all the time or gaming all the time. A lot of "experts" say that communication is one of the key factors to the success of a relationship. I think I'm putting too much on the fact that we can't seem to talk about the important stuff, instead of making sure that we're still talking about the stupid things. Instead of engaging in nonsensical, unimportant but delightful converstion, I'm anticipating when he'll finally respond to my letter, for instance. My sister says that we need to get the flow of conversation more natural and free. If an issue happens to come up in conversation, treat it like anything else and just talk instead of making it such a big deal.

Yubo's parents advise that we should be spending more time together (though I told them that I will need them to tell him that instead of me at this point). They mentioned that one of the reasons why they're completely fine not going to bed at the same time (Dad typically goes to bed first while Mom stays up playing computer games -- probably where Yubo got it from) because they spend a lot of time together. To take it a little further in my observation, they're more secure in their relationship with each other than I am with my relationship with Yubo. That security is probably also another reason why Yubo can think we're ok when I don't. In this case, what really ought to happen is Yubo helping me get to that same place of security that he's at with us.

However, I maintain this feeling of, "He probably won't care enough to really give me the time and commitment to these things." He'll do things for and with me for very short periods of time before he simply moves back on to his own thing. Working out together lasted, I think, 3 days at the most. Going to bed together happened once or twice. Eating breakfast together during the week, perhaps the upwards of 4-5 days.

I especially am getting to where I can't handle that he probably thinks that the things I'm coming to him about are blown way out of proportion because I'm this sleep-deprived girl that probably has depression and gets especially more emotional and irrational once a month. I've actually gotten to where I almost convinced myself that I was crazy, and that the unhappiness I was feeling wasn't real at all. That I was the one creating the problems, and it was all in my head.

I gave up on the idea of going to bed together every night, or at least whenever possible. When he's in the office playing his game, he uses ear buds. With the living room lights off, and not much light being emitted from the office into the bedroom because of the floor plan, I can pretend he isn't home and manage to fall asleep by myself. It works. I've fallen asleep and stayed asleep for about 6hrs the past two or three nights. But when I think about it, it's really sad that I have to pretend that my husband isn't home in order to fall asleep. Why do I need to pretend I'm alone? Why do I miss him more when he's home than when he's at work?

I'm about to give up on making him breakfast anymore, and the thought of having meals together in the house has been long gone. So what else will I end up giving up? Praying and reading together? Showing more affection to each other? That just about completes my list of new-wife dreams, doesn't it?

I've been praying that God will put something on his heart about our relationship and how he's handling things. I know that he's not the only cause of problems, so I'm also praying that God will reveal things to me, and show me how to continue to love Yubo the way I should and not get so caught up in these issues. It's a sort of tunnel-vision that I'm suffering from. I can't seem to get my focus beyond these petty frustrations to see the bigger picture of our lives together. And I pray that God will show both of us the reality of our union -- not just my overly negative and pessimistic view, and not his up in the clouds optimism and ignorant bliss.

Yubo agrees that this song is very powerful, but I wonder if it's ever crossed his mind to apply it to us.

Making Negatives into a Positive.

One good thing that has come out of my inability to sleep is being able to provide Yubo with a decent breakfast. Since there have been a number of times when I would still be awake to hear his alarm go off in the bedroom, I took the chance to get him something to eat since he would usually rush out of the house and not eat until lunch.

It started about a week ago when I didn't get much sleep at all. He didn't have to clock in until 8am, and even then, there wasn't anything scheduled for him first thing. So in my wide-awake state at around 7am, I went off to Noah's Bagels and picked up a box of bagels. I got home with about 10 minutes to spare before his alarm went off, and prepared a bagel for him.

Since I had 6 more bagels left for him, it was easy for me to make for him on the mornings when I was up earlier than he was.

Yesterday was a frustrating morning. His alarm went off around 3ish -- it was a surprise to me. I checked on him and he asked me to wait for his next two alarms to go off. When I heard the third alarm, I prepared is bagel. He wouldn't wake up, and the bagel eventually was left on his nightstand for an hour. In a huff, I put his drink back in the fridge and put the untouched bagel in a zip-lock bag in the fridge. Shortly after a little more of my nagging (which I tried to not make nagging, but it just happened that way), he finally got up, grabbed his drink and bagel from the fridge, and left without a word.

Shortly after, I sent a text message to him apologizing for my nagging. I reminded him that it would be better if he would just give me a more accurate time for when he needed to be up, or else to tell me that it wasn't so important for him to be up at a certain time. I also told him that it hurt me that he left his breakfast untouched for so long.

On a side note, I've known this about myself for a while, but I don't think Yubo's really caught on yet. When I prepare a meal for him, I get very upset if he ends up leaving it to get cold. I guess preparing meals is my way of showing affection, and when he leaves it for so long, I feel a little rejected. There was a time when Yubo's parents visited. In the days leading up to their arrival, I searched for recipes of dishes they might like, and desserts that didn't contain sugar -- things that I could make for them so that we would have been able to sit at the dining table and eat together instead of going out to a restaurant. It was disappointing to hear that they would much rather go to a restaurant, so I ended up not cooking anything at all during their visit. I know that they probably just didn't want to make trouble for me or anything, but I was sad feeling that they didn't want to eat what I wanted to cook for them.

Anyway, even though I was hurt yesterday, this morning I decided to change up Yubo's breakfast a little bit. It was a surprise again to hear his alarm go off so early. Since he only had two asiago bagels left, and I only have strawberry cream cheese, I decided to make an egg sandwich. The eggs haven't gone bad yet, and I don't think strawberry cream cheese would taste good on an asiago bagel. So this morning was a microwaved scrambled eggs with salt and pepper on an asiago bagel, toasted with butter and melted swiss cheese. He ended up adding mayo to it (yuck!), but said it tasted really good. I like seeing that he appreciates being brought breakfast in the morning. And he seems happy to receive it, probably because he usually goes without.

I think I'm getting a little better at not hanging on to my upsets. I can move on and still do loving things for him, but at the same time, I won't let issues go until they're resolved. However, I'm not as accusatory when approaching him. Letters and text messages are helping. Starting off with an apology for my huffy behavior seems to help him too. We haven't had a chance to sit down and talk about anything though, but I'm sure that will come when he's ready to try. So I just gently remind him of my requests to have him think about things I've asked and said.

Overall, it's been tough lately, but we're working through it. It might also be helping him that for the past few days, I've been asleep when he's been home. So even if it was an upsetting day, he can have some peace without me for a while. Whatever it is that we're doing, it's making a little progress for us. However, I'm anticipating when we'll actually talk about the notes I've given him.

A Reminder of Why We Got Married.

When we were in premarital counseling, we had to list 12 reasons for why we wanted to marry each other. Pastor Wayne told us this would be a good list to refer back to in difficult times. I don't remember if I posted this before, but I figure it doesn't hurt to do it again.

What I Wrote

1. I love him.
2. He can be very attentive and nurturing.
3. He's a good provider.
4. My parents really like him.
5. He loves me unconditionally.
6. He inspires me to focus on God.
7. I can't imagine being with anyone else.
8. He's stuck with me through some very difficult times.
9. I feel like I can be myself with him.
10. We can work well together.
11. He's the only one that's been so patient with me.
12. He makes me want to be a better person.

My Response to What I Wrote

1. I still love him. That will never change.
2. The operative words here are "can be."
3. I feel like I say this too much. When I get upset, this is usually the first thing I bring up: I appreciate how much he does for us, and how hard he works for us, but...
4. My parents like that he is such a hard worker. When my mom was here, although it was an unusual week for him, she admired that he was such a good and hard worker. I guess that's something she and my dad would definitely appreciate since that's how they are.
5. He still does. I wonder about it, but he still does.
6. LoL. My first thought when reading that again was, "Yeah. God is the first thing I turn to when Yubo upsets me," and that happens more than I would care for. But really, this is where I'm torn between how much of my journey with Christ is on my own, and how much should I expect to have Yubo alongside me.
7. Honestly, when I'm upset enough, sometimes my mind does wander back to past crushes (not relationships because they all failed so miserably). But when I think about long-term, he's still the only one.
8. And he's still sticking with me. I know it's more difficult for him now since he can be the cause of these difficult times (instead of him comforting me because another man hurt me), so when I'm at my worst, I wonder when his patience will run out. But he's still here, and he tries hard and more than I really ever give him credit for.
9. Unfortunately, this isn't true anymore. Just being honest. I'm overly concerned by what he thinks of me. I've been so crazy lately that I'm scared he thinks he really made a mistake. So I'm always calculating how I should be with him: should I show my pain, should I cover it up and pretend I'm ok, should I force myself to hold his hand, how should I talk to him, I need to be really careful with the words I choose and the tone I use because I don't want him to shut down.
10. We can, not that we do.
11. Again, I can't help but wonder when that patience will run out.
12. I always find myself telling him that I want to be a better wife. I want to make him happy. And I'm always apologizing for not living up to that. I'm always apologizing for the person that I am. He really does make me want to be a better person, but maybe not for the right reasons. I try to do the, "If you're happy, I'm happy," but then I start to wonder why it doesn't seem like he's doing the same. So in reality, I'm quite selfish. That's not being a better person. Cleaning the house and serving him breakfast in bed and buying his energy drinks the night before sound like caring and loving things, but I think I really do expect some sort of reward. And I don't see that as being a good wife or person at all.

---

What He Wrote

1. She's fun to be with.
2. I love her. (duh)
3. She desires me to be the best I can be.
4. She desires after God's heart.
5. She's beautiful.
6. I enjoy when she is around.
7. It feels right with her.
8. She makes me laugh.
9. I can feel she truly loves me.
10. She has been patient with me.
11. She is smart and witty.
12. I am comfortable with her.
13. My parents love her.

Yeah, he had to add one. The tough thing is that, while typing his list, I was arguing with everything he wrote. "That's not true. Yeah right. That's not the way it is now. Pretty words."

We don't talk enough. And we don't remind each other enough that we love each other.

Today I sent him a text apologizing for my attitude lately, confessing that I feel neglected, but reaffirming that I appreciate and love him. I got scared when he didn't reply. When he got home, he actually took a little time to sit with me with no other distractions and tell me about what's going on at the shop. It felt nice to give him all of my attention, and that he wanted to talk to me. Unfortunately, when he mentioned that he would play "only one game" of Starcraft with his brother, the good feelings disappeared. I did mention that if he had an early morning, why didn't he just not play tonight. I don't know if he played or not.

For the past couple of days, I noticed that he was going outside every night before turning in for bed. I asked him what he was doing, going out every night. He asked, "Am I doing that every night?" I told him it seemed like to me. When I asked him again why he was going out, he responded with, "No reason." Not that there's really a right or wrong answer..... but that's the wrong answer. He didn't even explain why he went out this particular time.

I told him that I asked because I'm worried that I'm stressing him out so much that he's started smoking again. And every time I ask him if he would tell me if he started again, he says he would. And every time he says he would, I think he's lying.

I wish he would do more to dissolve my fears and concerns, or at least be better at it. The way it is now, it just feels like he's hiding something from me and it seems like he's just acting guilty and lying. I wish he would talk to me honestly. I know that he tends to fear my reactions, but that's not a good reason to lie or omit. If he could be as honest with me as I try to be with him, I think I'd be happier.... or more secure. But with his "like getting away with things" personality, I'm scared to trust him.

I want to read through these two lists and not argue. I want to believe what I believed when I wrote those words, and I want to believe every word he says to me. Without trust, there is no relationship. It's hard to simply trust him because he's hurt me so badly before. I can't even bring myself to completely trust in God, and God's done nothing but good for me. But I really do want to believe in him...

Disconnect.

Lately it's been more frequent that I feel disconnected from Yubo, and more irritated with him. I tend to blame it on this new addiction to Starcraft. I've talked about our issues with his gaming before, and it hasn't changed much. It actually fluctuates. It depends on if there's a "good" game out or not. I must say I'm not looking forward to this holiday season, as many "good" new games are due for release.

Today I realized a slightly embarrassing fact. Pastor Keith, who is one of two pastors at Lighthouse that I am most connected with, asked us how we were doing after service today. Although I wanted to be completely honest with him about some issues we've been experiencing, I realized that if I were to tell P.Keith at that moment, it would also be the first time I'd revealed the issue to Yubo. So I shut my mouth and we focused on my sleep issues instead of our relationship issues.

I think that's a big problem. I am very ready to tell outside people about my concerns in hopes to garner advice, but I would do so before even talking to my own husband about an issue that involves him. However, this is always on his part. Rarely will he make himself available to listening to my concerns. And even when he does try to, he will shut down shortly afterward. The problem remains, with absolutely no progress towards a solution.

It seems Starcraft has really consumed him. This is why I never let him get into World of Warcraft. I'm back to feeling like I'm competing with this game. He'd rather chat with these strangers online than talk with me. If he's upset or irritated or thinks I'm upset with him, instead of trying to resolve something, he goes straight to the game and plays and plays and plays.

I've asked him why he has these tendencies. He would simply say he didn't know, and would seem very reluctant if I asked him to actually think about it. He likes to fall back on being a guy; I understand that guys think differently than girls do, that they don't care so much about the why as it just is, but he must see that sticking to that doesn't help... and actually makes some situations worse.

I'm at a loss. We've only been married for four months now, and already the amplification of the negatives is overwhelming. I'm waiting to see the good things amplified.

I've been wondering for a while how I should behave. Although I am hurt, and although it feels like my words fall on deaf ears, do I try to remain the loving and dutiful wife? Do I tell him what I'm feeling, keep the pain from his lack of response, and go on serving him?

In the Bible, slaves back then were told to be good and remain loyal to their masters, even if the masters were cruel. We're told to love our enemies. Wives should submit to their husbands as they submit to Jesus. I suppose it's a much easier thing to submit to Jesus when I know that His love is constant, and that He never neglects me. Jesus doesn't hurt me, and He doesn't make me feel like I'm being ignored, that my existance isn't important, or that my presence is completely optional.

What, then, should I do? Yubo isn't a horrible husband. I know he loves me, although there are a number of times when I do find myself questioning that. I keep telling him that I am so thankful to have him as a good provider, but that's all he ever seems to be. The other things that I feel I need, like quality time, are so inconsistent that it seems like he'll spend time with me just to get it over with. Spend a few hours or a day with me, and that should keep me for a few days at least. I guess I've become extremely attention-hungry.

Many people tell me that I need to find hobbies of my own and keep myself busy. Then I wouldn't put so much pressure on him for attention.

Awkwardly, I don't feel quite so lonely when he's at work and I'm home alone during the day. It's when he comes home that I feel lonely. Even if I were to busy myself during the day when he's gone, that won't change the fact that I want to be with him and spend time with him when we finally do see each other when he comes home. Being busy during the day won't help any loneliness I feel when he's just in the other room.

It seems I'm putting too much on him. I can tell myself that all I really need is Jesus. But how much of this journey with God do I take on my own, and how much should I want Yubo along with me? How independent and self-sufficient does Yubo want me to be? Does he think independence will make me feel less lonely without him? Will complete dependency on God make me feel less lonely? Where is the balance between these things?

I wish I could hear his side of this...

Dreams of a new wife.

I've come up with a number of things I would have liked to establish in this home ever since we started living together. It's not that I thought they would be more attainable after marriage, but I still wouldn't mind having them.

In no particular order:

1. Starting and ending the day together.
I always thought it would be a very good thing to do this. I think I've mentioned it in my previous post as I complained about my sleep issues. We don't have to wake up and go to sleep at the same time, as this dream started off as. I think I would just really like to have him be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night, right there next to me in bed.

2. Family meals.
When we first got our dining table those few years ago, the idea was to have our meals there instead of in front of the TV. My family rarely has meals together. Even if we do happen to sit at the same table and eat at the same time, everyone's eyes are glued to the television. I remember one Thanksgiving where we actually sat at the table for a family meal together, and my sister and I were uncomfortable. I thought that wasn't the way a family should be. Therefore, I always wanted to have meals as a family, gathered together at the table, giving each other our full attention.
Along with this, and this sort of ties into the previous dream, I always wanted to at least start the day with breakfast together every morning.

3. Praying together.
Aside from saying grace, Yubo and I rarely pray together. I think this is the number one thing we should be working on. I've shared prayer requests with him before, but I would usually leave it at that instead of taking the time to pray with him at that moment. Also, he doesn't really ask me to pray for anything for him. Although I do pray for him on my own, I would like to play a bigger role in his prayer life.

4. Bible study.
We also don't read together, which is another big thing I would love to do. We don't really have to read the same thing, but I would like discussions about how God is speaking to us individually.

5. Preparing meals.
Even though I can't really cook, I would really like to. It's a problem, though, that I absolutely hate having to clean up afterwards. We had an agreement a while ago, that if I cooked, he would clean up. However, the clean up rarely happened. So I stopped trying to cook.
I think preparing a meal for him is what makes me feel the most like a wife. For a very short while, I packed bento for him for lunch. It made me feel really happy to do that for him. But again, clean up got in the way of continuing to do it -- or he would forget to bring the bento box back onto the house.
Another thing that got in the way was our inconsistent schedules. We had breakfast for a while. I would wake up earlier and make an extremely simple breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast. But then either I wouldn't wake up, or it became too difficult to wake him up. Then he would have random days when he would have to wake up much earlier than usual.
We obviously would never have lunch together since he would be at work. Dinner was tough because he never knew when he would be home. I still manage to prepare a nice dinner sometimes for special occasions though.

6. Greeting him at the door with a hug and kiss.
This doesn't seem like it can ever happen because more often than not, he comes home covered in things neither of us wants me to touch. It would be different if he had a regular job that didn't involve him getting into gross stuff, but it can't be helped. Perhaps it's something I can start to do after he gets out of the shower though. It just feels a little strange to have to delay it so long.

Sibling Rivalry.

So removing the bell didn't stop, or even hinder any fights. This morning at around 5:20ish was the worst sounding fight we've had so far. It was loud enough to even wake Yubo up -- he was the one to rush out of bed to break up the fight. Oh, what I wouldn't give for perfect eyesight -- I wasn't even halfway towards reaching for my glasses. Somehow, his reaction put me at ease for if we ever have children. Before, I was concerned that no matter how loudly the baby cried, he wouldn't wake up, leaving me on baby duty the entire time.

Anyhow, Chiyo hasn't come out from under the bed yet. I'm concerned that she's hurt, since cats hide when they're injured. But it could also be that it's nothing serious and I'm overly concerned, as usual.

I've been wanting to install a magnetic cat door into the door of the office. Since Chiyo was the only one wearing a collar (before we took it off), I thought it would be a perfect way for her to have a safe room to run into every time Tifa got out of hand.

Now I'm wondering if we need to reintroduce Chiyo to the house. Or if I need to take Tifa out of the mix and reintroduce her. The troublesome thing is that these large incidents only happen during the time we're sleeping (or when I'm about to go to sleep). I was thinking maybe I need to put one of them in the office before we turn in for bed, but figured that wouldn't really solve anything.

Yubo and I were also thinking that one of us (read Mochi) should sit in the office with Chiyo and Tifa for an entire day. Or at least while we're both home, keep them together in the office to force them to be with each other. I'd prefer staying in the room with them, prepared with a water bottle to squirt the one that starts trouble. It would enable some discipline to finally happen.

I wonder if it really is that Tifa is jealous. I can't figure out why else she would continue a fight with Chiyo screaming the way she does. There's no way that sounds like playing, so I'm convinced that Tifa is really picking fights.

At least Ellie remains normal. ^_^