Suspicious Activity.

Although my sleep has been getting better, last night I didn't sleep well. Perhaps some sort of heart burn or acid reflux? So I fussed around and with Yubo's help, got myself settled with my sleep wedge. But I found myself awake at 2:15a, and the lights in the living room were still on.

I got out of bed to see what was keeping Yubo from coming to bed, and he wasn't in the house. Lights on, television on, his phone on the coffee table, radio in his basket. Saw that my car key was gone, but the door was left completely unlocked. So I decided to step outside to look around. My car was still there, so it's not that Yubo decided to take a quick run to the store. Then I saw him out by his truck.

Came back into the house and waited for him to return.

When I asked what he went out for, he told me that he was looking for a USB cable. Really? In your truck? At 2:15AM?

A little back story -- yesterday I spent a lot of time and frustration looking for two installation CDs for music programs that we bought a while ago, and lost a while ago. I wanted to see if what we installed onto the external hard drive would still work, but this laptop doesn't have the proper connection for the cable that was available at the time. Yubo asked me if it took USB, and I said it was mini-USB to USB. This happened fairly soon after he got home.

I think I mentioned before that I always get a little paranoid when he suddenly decides to go out to his truck really late at night right before bed. It's especially bad when the reason he gives is something like needing to check to see if he locked up the truck, or going to look for something that he thought he left in there -- all things that could have happened much earlier in the night, or that don't make a lot of sense to me.

So when he told me that he went to go look for a USB cable, and had my car key because he couldn't remember if it was in my car or his truck:

It's a USB cable. We have tons of USB cables all around the house. Why would you choose to go out to look for it in a car without searching at least the office first? And why does it have to be at 2:15AM? If you wanted to look for it, why didn't it happen when you asked if it took a USB cable earlier that night?

His actions were illogical to me, and because it's a hot button, it raised suspicion. So then my distrust kicked in. Isn't he spending a little longer washing up in the bathroom before coming to bed? His saving factor is that his hair doesn't smell like smoke, but has he finally found a way to completely hide it?

I'm scared because I've been putting a lot of stress on him, and can't help but continue to base things on the past because of my distrust, so I wouldn't put it past him to start smoking again and be better at hiding it from me. A prominent trait of his personality is that he likes to get away with things. And he's told me often that he will probably always feel even a slight craving for cigarettes. I appreciate the truth of that, but I really wish he wouldn't do such things that he knows are triggers to my paranoia.

I know that it hurts him incredibly that I don't trust him. And during a conversation just a few nights ago, I told him exactly the reason why it's so hard for me. I did trust him and I did believe in him, and he straight out lied to me. I trusted him and even gave him several opportunities to be honest with me, and each time he continued to lie to me. And it was twice that I actually caught him. I felt so betrayed. Perhaps if it didn't happen the way it did twice, I wouldn't be as bad as I am about it.

I try very hard to trust him again. But again I say it doesn't help at all when he acts so suspiciously. It also doesn't help that he probably thinks I'm being really dumb about all of this instead of actually trying to understand my feelings. I don't want him walking on eggshells, but I also don't want him to write off my concerns. I guess I feel like I'm trying my best to do what I can on my part on my own, and I feel that he's not really helping on his end like I need him to.