I wanted to be able to focus an entire entry on why I post such FB status updates. Before, I wasn't surprised at all that I got the reactions I did because of the people they came from. But after receiving a message from a dear friend telling me the same thing, I have to admit, it hurt a little bit. But if no one else reads this, I think I wouldn't mind writing this entry for myself, just to really explore my reasoning. A lot of what I will say will probably be better suited on my personal blog, but since it does have to do with our marriage, I will keep it here.
For a bit more background, I'll repeat some things that I may have mentioned before.
I do a fair amount on Facebook. I enjoy FB stalking my friends, playing silly games like Bejeweled Blitz, and posting pictures, videos, and my thoughts.
I think it's really only been recently that I've shown more of my negativity in a more public way. Sure, in high school I had my deadjournal, which I poured it all into; but that was pretty much my only outlet. I didn't talk to people about my really negative feelings. I couldn't talk to anyone about how badly I really thought of myself, my fears and my depression. But I could type it out. And if people cared to read it, they could read it. Otherwise, I was perfectly fine letting people that I thought didn't really care about me think that I was ok. If they read my journal and were still my friends, then I felt they really cared and treasured their friendship much more.
I really don't know when it started, but I began letting myself use FB as an outlet. Sure, it worried people, but they were more likely to respond to a short blip on their news feed than an entire essay of angst. And I liked that people would respond, but also, I wasn't too bothered when people didn't.
I think it was Yubo's best friend that first voiced his concern. Soon after, I got a call from my mom because my youngest aunt (who's also on FB) had seen a troubling post. Basically, they all were wondering why I was posting such bad things so openly. That was the first time I asked Yubo if he also had a problem with my posts, and he said no. He understood why other people would, but he also assured me that he would tell me if and when he has a problem.
The recent message from my friend lead me to ask him again. He basically again, said no and that he would let me know if he did. He also said that because we usually talk about things before I post something, or at least as soon as possible after, he's never surprised. And that most of the things I post are not a secret to the people that know us.
To sort of repeat what I said before, these are the main reasons why I post such worrisome status updates:
- It enables me to quickly let a lot of people that care about us know how to pray for us, or to seek advice/insight without having to repeat myself.
- It's a quick and easy way for me to vent.
To elaborate on that last point, my ability to vent in a way where I can still get feedback that is also generally quick and short has been a great help for me.
I am not the type of person to reach out for help because I fear rejection too much. I still struggle with thinking so lowly of myself that I am convinced that people don't care enough about me to know what my real troubles are. And this is why the message from my friend hurt. Even though I appreciated his concern, and that I understand and honor that he doesn't agree with my method of sharing, I still found myself twisting his message into something it wasn't because of how I view myself.
What was genuine concern for me, I turned into disgust (which, to be honest, it well could have been also). My low self-esteem filter snapped on, and I thought I was reading, "I don't care to read about your problems. Stop griping about stupid things. Stop being such a downer because people don't like that. People don't like you." Obviously, SO NOT what he wrote AT ALL. And if you've never dealt with fairly bad self-esteem issues, I don't think you'll understand how I could possible twist a friend's words into such poison. But I can, and I do, and I'm working really hard to stop doing it.
The other part of that is, because of the kind of person I am, FB is almost the only way I will interact with people. Face to face (and even over the phone) interactions are still very awkward and draining for me, and I know I make it worse by not putting myself out there, but you know.. that's the way it is. I recognize it though, at least.
Quick side note: I strongly prefer text/written communication. This is not just because of awkwardness. It's because I know my filters, and having hard evidence in front of me that I can reread helps me to not believe what I twist things into.
But anyway, because FB makes up the majority of my social interactions, in addition to all those twisted words was a feeling that if I don't post these things, I will never talk to anyone. Never. I will go back to outward pleasantness while I come home to cry by myself and wallow in self-pity and self-hatred.
The fear of that has me tearing up right now. I can say I might be overly-sensitive because I'm a week away from my period, but I know that's not true. This is a very deeply rooted fear.
I'm scared. I'm lonely. But people can't handle what I really feel. People don't understand. They'll just belittle me. They'll yell at me because they think my feelings are stupid. So I'll pretend I'm ok. I'll pretend I'm normal. So people will still like me, even though it's not really me.
Often I feel that I simply don't have anyone specific to go to for help. So I guess what I've been doing is throwing a line out and seeing who it hooks. It's frustrating for me, and so I always try to make myself as available as possible for people that may, for whatever reason, want my help.
And we want to do that with our relationship. We know that there's literature out there, and other people to go to, but we know we offer some very specific experience. Not too many books out there, I don't think, about what to do when your husband plays video games for 8-10 hours after a 10-hour work day, every day.
Another difficulty we face when seeking advice is that we don't have many that can offer sound Christian advice after coming from a very non-Christian or dual lifestyle. We're not looking for perfect advice from a couple that exactly like us, because that just isn't possible. But, you know, hard to get advice on how to stop smoking from someone that's never been addicted to anything in their life, ever.
So basically, I guess I'm saying that we'd like to be what we haven't really been able to find for ourselves.
I know my sharing is done in a way that makes some very uncomfortable because they would not put themselves in such a situation. Not saying it's right or wrong, but that it's just the way I am, and the way we are. And if you do strongly think that the way I post is wrong, talk it out with me, and pray for me. But like I said, it hasn't damaged our relationship, and in some cases may well have made us better.
Transparency. We want you to know that you can love someone dearly, and you can fight horribly, and that you can get through it and find that you love each other so much more. That problems aren't the problem... it's how to deal with them. And that we're not alone. Let's help each other, support each other, and learn from each other.
