Disconnect.

Lately it's been more frequent that I feel disconnected from Yubo, and more irritated with him. I tend to blame it on this new addiction to Starcraft. I've talked about our issues with his gaming before, and it hasn't changed much. It actually fluctuates. It depends on if there's a "good" game out or not. I must say I'm not looking forward to this holiday season, as many "good" new games are due for release.

Today I realized a slightly embarrassing fact. Pastor Keith, who is one of two pastors at Lighthouse that I am most connected with, asked us how we were doing after service today. Although I wanted to be completely honest with him about some issues we've been experiencing, I realized that if I were to tell P.Keith at that moment, it would also be the first time I'd revealed the issue to Yubo. So I shut my mouth and we focused on my sleep issues instead of our relationship issues.

I think that's a big problem. I am very ready to tell outside people about my concerns in hopes to garner advice, but I would do so before even talking to my own husband about an issue that involves him. However, this is always on his part. Rarely will he make himself available to listening to my concerns. And even when he does try to, he will shut down shortly afterward. The problem remains, with absolutely no progress towards a solution.

It seems Starcraft has really consumed him. This is why I never let him get into World of Warcraft. I'm back to feeling like I'm competing with this game. He'd rather chat with these strangers online than talk with me. If he's upset or irritated or thinks I'm upset with him, instead of trying to resolve something, he goes straight to the game and plays and plays and plays.

I've asked him why he has these tendencies. He would simply say he didn't know, and would seem very reluctant if I asked him to actually think about it. He likes to fall back on being a guy; I understand that guys think differently than girls do, that they don't care so much about the why as it just is, but he must see that sticking to that doesn't help... and actually makes some situations worse.

I'm at a loss. We've only been married for four months now, and already the amplification of the negatives is overwhelming. I'm waiting to see the good things amplified.

I've been wondering for a while how I should behave. Although I am hurt, and although it feels like my words fall on deaf ears, do I try to remain the loving and dutiful wife? Do I tell him what I'm feeling, keep the pain from his lack of response, and go on serving him?

In the Bible, slaves back then were told to be good and remain loyal to their masters, even if the masters were cruel. We're told to love our enemies. Wives should submit to their husbands as they submit to Jesus. I suppose it's a much easier thing to submit to Jesus when I know that His love is constant, and that He never neglects me. Jesus doesn't hurt me, and He doesn't make me feel like I'm being ignored, that my existance isn't important, or that my presence is completely optional.

What, then, should I do? Yubo isn't a horrible husband. I know he loves me, although there are a number of times when I do find myself questioning that. I keep telling him that I am so thankful to have him as a good provider, but that's all he ever seems to be. The other things that I feel I need, like quality time, are so inconsistent that it seems like he'll spend time with me just to get it over with. Spend a few hours or a day with me, and that should keep me for a few days at least. I guess I've become extremely attention-hungry.

Many people tell me that I need to find hobbies of my own and keep myself busy. Then I wouldn't put so much pressure on him for attention.

Awkwardly, I don't feel quite so lonely when he's at work and I'm home alone during the day. It's when he comes home that I feel lonely. Even if I were to busy myself during the day when he's gone, that won't change the fact that I want to be with him and spend time with him when we finally do see each other when he comes home. Being busy during the day won't help any loneliness I feel when he's just in the other room.

It seems I'm putting too much on him. I can tell myself that all I really need is Jesus. But how much of this journey with God do I take on my own, and how much should I want Yubo along with me? How independent and self-sufficient does Yubo want me to be? Does he think independence will make me feel less lonely without him? Will complete dependency on God make me feel less lonely? Where is the balance between these things?

I wish I could hear his side of this...