The struggles we've overcome: Yubo's gaming, and Communication issues.

Mochi's Version
Yubo seems to have an addictive personality. When he quit smoking, a lot of that excess attention turned to gaming. Well, even when he was smoking, his gaming was quite an issue. It just kinda blew up after he quit smoking. ^^;; Thank goodness he isn't an alcoholic and doesn't abuse drugs. I'd shoot him.

I can't bash him too much on gaming because I enjoy my share of video games too. The main issue is when he allows himself to get so absorbed into a game that he REALLY neglects other things that he needs to do... like eat, sleep, and give me attention. =P

Sometimes he'd get really frustrated at a game, and that frustrates me because I don't understand why he would get so angry over a game. It's like those people that are just waaay too competitive.

Anyway, we both started reading "Men Are From Mars..." I obviously got further than he did because I have a lot more time on my hands than he does. I haven't finished it yet, and he hasn't moved from Chapter 3. But from what we have read, men have a cave that they have to retreat to. It's where they go to be alone, relax, sort out problems they haven't solved yet, etc. Then when they're done doing what needs to be done in their cave, they come back out to the world. The cave can be anything from zoning out on the couch watching television or getting absorbed in some hobby. Yubo's cave is gaming (and select television shows). The thing with Yubo is that he rarely comes out of his cave. I've talked with him about this a lot. I've told him many times that I feel like I have to compete with these things for attention, which makes me feel extremely neglected because it's as if it doesn't even matter if I'm there or not.

This is mostly where our communication issues stem from. I get upset when I have to repeat myself due to his lack of listening caused by a tv show or game. Just like how his smoking made it so hard to hold his hand, gaming makes it so hard to interact with him. There are times when I feel so neglected that I have horrible thoughts: I could go kill myself in the other room right now and he wouldn't find me for another 5 hours. Lucky for him that I think suicide is unforgiveable and a cowardly thing to do... and I just haven't been that depressed in a long time now. But what I'm getting at is his lack of attention towards me makes me feel absolutely worthless. I say again, we've talked about this a lot... well, more like I've talked to him a lot about this. I don't know how much he got out of those conversations speeches.

Actually, we've had some really good discussions about a lot of things in our relationship so far. I think we've made a lot of progress. Sometimes I do forget that when there's a relapse. It's that one step forward, ten million steps back kind of feeling. I am encouraged when he does remember things we've talked about. Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out a way to talk to him about issues without him listening to me as a teenager would his mom lecturing. A lot of the time it just seems like he's not very receptive when I want to talk about something. He's mentioned that if he feels he might be in the wrong, his defense goes up and he avoids. That's how he deals with conflict.... or doesn't deal with conflict. I start off trying to resolve things in a healthy way, but him getting defense naturally puts me on the offense. Not aggressive, but probably more assertive than I should be.

One thing he always likes to reflect on is how we never ran out of things to talk about when we were dating. Well, duh. We didn't know much about each other back then. Of course we had so much to talk about because there was so much to learn. Nowadays, it's not so often that we talk like we used to. I still make random observations that spark conversation now and then, but since our time together each day is limited, we just don't make the time to talk to each other face to face.

What makes things worse is I've taken two or three communications classes. With every new lesson, I remember thinking on how Yubo and I don't do those things that make for good communication. But since I took the classes and he didn't, it was hard to pass on the information without feeling like I was trying to "fix" him. I feel horrible because I know all the information, but can't seem to put it into practice because my partner doesn't also know this information. I think we'd all be better off if we took at least two communications classes. It's unfortunate that we're so impersonal nowadays. E-mail, text messaging, myspace, facebook... I've fallen into this pit where I'd rather e-mail someone than call them. Too concerned about disrupting people's lives instead of trying to be a part of it.

Oh, I kinda went off there. Sorry. Anyway, our premarital homework has a section on Authentic Communication, or something like that. I don't recall if we went through it yet... I think we should have. I'm concerned that I don't recall much of that discussion. It kinda went through what I learned in comm classes. Active listening, saying what you mean, clarifying what you hear and say, etc. I feel like nothing's come of that session though. I've been wanting to go over some sessions again, like the expectations thing, but he's been so busy and has been coming home so tired. I get mad because he still stays up late to veg out in front of the tv instead of just go to bed and get the sleep he needs.

Ugh. I'm sure you've noticed that this is something that we really have yet to overcome. Maybe I shouldn't have written about it yet. But I think this will be one of those that will be constant. It takes work to be a good communicator. I think he hasn't found the worth of expending that energy to be a good communicator. I'm not trying to say that I'm great or anything. Actually, I'm horrible at verbalizing thoughts. It's something that we both have to work on together. I have to let him know that he's very worth my time, and be patient until he can let me know that I'm worth his. And God sure has put me in a position to really practice patience.

Yubo's version.
I think we need to find a way for him to blog on his precious iPhone.