A Reminder of Why We Got Married.

When we were in premarital counseling, we had to list 12 reasons for why we wanted to marry each other. Pastor Wayne told us this would be a good list to refer back to in difficult times. I don't remember if I posted this before, but I figure it doesn't hurt to do it again.

What I Wrote

1. I love him.
2. He can be very attentive and nurturing.
3. He's a good provider.
4. My parents really like him.
5. He loves me unconditionally.
6. He inspires me to focus on God.
7. I can't imagine being with anyone else.
8. He's stuck with me through some very difficult times.
9. I feel like I can be myself with him.
10. We can work well together.
11. He's the only one that's been so patient with me.
12. He makes me want to be a better person.

My Response to What I Wrote

1. I still love him. That will never change.
2. The operative words here are "can be."
3. I feel like I say this too much. When I get upset, this is usually the first thing I bring up: I appreciate how much he does for us, and how hard he works for us, but...
4. My parents like that he is such a hard worker. When my mom was here, although it was an unusual week for him, she admired that he was such a good and hard worker. I guess that's something she and my dad would definitely appreciate since that's how they are.
5. He still does. I wonder about it, but he still does.
6. LoL. My first thought when reading that again was, "Yeah. God is the first thing I turn to when Yubo upsets me," and that happens more than I would care for. But really, this is where I'm torn between how much of my journey with Christ is on my own, and how much should I expect to have Yubo alongside me.
7. Honestly, when I'm upset enough, sometimes my mind does wander back to past crushes (not relationships because they all failed so miserably). But when I think about long-term, he's still the only one.
8. And he's still sticking with me. I know it's more difficult for him now since he can be the cause of these difficult times (instead of him comforting me because another man hurt me), so when I'm at my worst, I wonder when his patience will run out. But he's still here, and he tries hard and more than I really ever give him credit for.
9. Unfortunately, this isn't true anymore. Just being honest. I'm overly concerned by what he thinks of me. I've been so crazy lately that I'm scared he thinks he really made a mistake. So I'm always calculating how I should be with him: should I show my pain, should I cover it up and pretend I'm ok, should I force myself to hold his hand, how should I talk to him, I need to be really careful with the words I choose and the tone I use because I don't want him to shut down.
10. We can, not that we do.
11. Again, I can't help but wonder when that patience will run out.
12. I always find myself telling him that I want to be a better wife. I want to make him happy. And I'm always apologizing for not living up to that. I'm always apologizing for the person that I am. He really does make me want to be a better person, but maybe not for the right reasons. I try to do the, "If you're happy, I'm happy," but then I start to wonder why it doesn't seem like he's doing the same. So in reality, I'm quite selfish. That's not being a better person. Cleaning the house and serving him breakfast in bed and buying his energy drinks the night before sound like caring and loving things, but I think I really do expect some sort of reward. And I don't see that as being a good wife or person at all.

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What He Wrote

1. She's fun to be with.
2. I love her. (duh)
3. She desires me to be the best I can be.
4. She desires after God's heart.
5. She's beautiful.
6. I enjoy when she is around.
7. It feels right with her.
8. She makes me laugh.
9. I can feel she truly loves me.
10. She has been patient with me.
11. She is smart and witty.
12. I am comfortable with her.
13. My parents love her.

Yeah, he had to add one. The tough thing is that, while typing his list, I was arguing with everything he wrote. "That's not true. Yeah right. That's not the way it is now. Pretty words."

We don't talk enough. And we don't remind each other enough that we love each other.

Today I sent him a text apologizing for my attitude lately, confessing that I feel neglected, but reaffirming that I appreciate and love him. I got scared when he didn't reply. When he got home, he actually took a little time to sit with me with no other distractions and tell me about what's going on at the shop. It felt nice to give him all of my attention, and that he wanted to talk to me. Unfortunately, when he mentioned that he would play "only one game" of Starcraft with his brother, the good feelings disappeared. I did mention that if he had an early morning, why didn't he just not play tonight. I don't know if he played or not.

For the past couple of days, I noticed that he was going outside every night before turning in for bed. I asked him what he was doing, going out every night. He asked, "Am I doing that every night?" I told him it seemed like to me. When I asked him again why he was going out, he responded with, "No reason." Not that there's really a right or wrong answer..... but that's the wrong answer. He didn't even explain why he went out this particular time.

I told him that I asked because I'm worried that I'm stressing him out so much that he's started smoking again. And every time I ask him if he would tell me if he started again, he says he would. And every time he says he would, I think he's lying.

I wish he would do more to dissolve my fears and concerns, or at least be better at it. The way it is now, it just feels like he's hiding something from me and it seems like he's just acting guilty and lying. I wish he would talk to me honestly. I know that he tends to fear my reactions, but that's not a good reason to lie or omit. If he could be as honest with me as I try to be with him, I think I'd be happier.... or more secure. But with his "like getting away with things" personality, I'm scared to trust him.

I want to read through these two lists and not argue. I want to believe what I believed when I wrote those words, and I want to believe every word he says to me. Without trust, there is no relationship. It's hard to simply trust him because he's hurt me so badly before. I can't even bring myself to completely trust in God, and God's done nothing but good for me. But I really do want to believe in him...