To start off, I really love Japanese emoticons. Looking at that super cute, yet obviously frustrated face with hands thrown into the air allows me to pour most of my frustration into it; I can let it scream for me.
"I give up!"
But not really. I'll probably continue trying to do what I've been doing. But Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Am I insane? Maybe a little. I know I'm crazy about Yubo. HAHAHAHAHAHA........ sorry.
This morning is the third time the breakfast I made him has ended up in a bag in the fridge -- well, technically the second one was left on the counter. I seriously think that if he knows he's that tired, and I don't know how we wouldn't know it, he should decline when I ask him if he wants breakfast. Or, you know, I should just be smart and stop asking, waiting instead for when he's actually out of bed. The problem, though, with that is by the time he gets out of be, he needed to be out the door half an hour ago.
He set his alarm for 5:30a this morning. It is now 7:30a, and he is still in bed. He finally decided to tell me that he'll just need to reschedule his appointment. Can he really do that? Didn't they expect him to be there this morning? What lie is he going to come up with this time to cover his ass?
Although I say that I probably won't really give up, he makes me feel like I really need to. Not so much give up on him or anything dramatic like that, but I need to give up on my ideals. To some extent, that's probably the smarter thing to do since my ideals are probably quite unrealistic, especially when applied to someone like Yubo. But it's a little painful that he seems to refuse to even try to meet me halfway on things.
In the 5.5ish years that we've been together, it seems that very little to no progress has really been made on some issues -- the sleeping, gaming and lying in particular. I hate that these are the things that continue to come up. I'm tired of thinking about them as you're probably tired of reading/hearing about them. But unfortunately, they're still issues that are irritating enough to get in the way of things. Quitting smoking was a HUUUUGE accomplishment, but I think it's really time to not let the other problems hide behind this one big praise.
We've done several 1 step forward, 5 steps back. I guess you can still calculate that as progress somehow, but unfortunately, I'm not patient enough for that.
I'm really not trying to bash him here. I'm frustrated.... extremely frustrated.... but it's more that I'm looking for different ways to approach him. I've really distanced myself because it feels like I simply can't talk to him anymore. Well, not that I've ever really been able to when it's anything concerning what's going on between us. But I don't want it to continue like this. I don't want to feel like I should just stop putting in the effort to fix things one-sided, and allow him to continue on in his happy version of our relationship while I continue to deteriorate in my frustrations.
There are solutions out there. I know it. There are family and friends and counseling and books that we could turn to.
My sister told me that we really should work on just talking to each other, which actually is something we should work on. It seems like we don't really talk anymore, and it's not just because he's at work all the time or gaming all the time. A lot of "experts" say that communication is one of the key factors to the success of a relationship. I think I'm putting too much on the fact that we can't seem to talk about the important stuff, instead of making sure that we're still talking about the stupid things. Instead of engaging in nonsensical, unimportant but delightful converstion, I'm anticipating when he'll finally respond to my letter, for instance. My sister says that we need to get the flow of conversation more natural and free. If an issue happens to come up in conversation, treat it like anything else and just talk instead of making it such a big deal.
Yubo's parents advise that we should be spending more time together (though I told them that I will need them to tell him that instead of me at this point). They mentioned that one of the reasons why they're completely fine not going to bed at the same time (Dad typically goes to bed first while Mom stays up playing computer games -- probably where Yubo got it from) because they spend a lot of time together. To take it a little further in my observation, they're more secure in their relationship with each other than I am with my relationship with Yubo. That security is probably also another reason why Yubo can think we're ok when I don't. In this case, what really ought to happen is Yubo helping me get to that same place of security that he's at with us.
However, I maintain this feeling of, "He probably won't care enough to really give me the time and commitment to these things." He'll do things for and with me for very short periods of time before he simply moves back on to his own thing. Working out together lasted, I think, 3 days at the most. Going to bed together happened once or twice. Eating breakfast together during the week, perhaps the upwards of 4-5 days.
I especially am getting to where I can't handle that he probably thinks that the things I'm coming to him about are blown way out of proportion because I'm this sleep-deprived girl that probably has depression and gets especially more emotional and irrational once a month. I've actually gotten to where I almost convinced myself that I was crazy, and that the unhappiness I was feeling wasn't real at all. That I was the one creating the problems, and it was all in my head.
I gave up on the idea of going to bed together every night, or at least whenever possible. When he's in the office playing his game, he uses ear buds. With the living room lights off, and not much light being emitted from the office into the bedroom because of the floor plan, I can pretend he isn't home and manage to fall asleep by myself. It works. I've fallen asleep and stayed asleep for about 6hrs the past two or three nights. But when I think about it, it's really sad that I have to pretend that my husband isn't home in order to fall asleep. Why do I need to pretend I'm alone? Why do I miss him more when he's home than when he's at work?
I'm about to give up on making him breakfast anymore, and the thought of having meals together in the house has been long gone. So what else will I end up giving up? Praying and reading together? Showing more affection to each other? That just about completes my list of new-wife dreams, doesn't it?
I've been praying that God will put something on his heart about our relationship and how he's handling things. I know that he's not the only cause of problems, so I'm also praying that God will reveal things to me, and show me how to continue to love Yubo the way I should and not get so caught up in these issues. It's a sort of tunnel-vision that I'm suffering from. I can't seem to get my focus beyond these petty frustrations to see the bigger picture of our lives together. And I pray that God will show both of us the reality of our union -- not just my overly negative and pessimistic view, and not his up in the clouds optimism and ignorant bliss.
Yubo agrees that this song is very powerful, but I wonder if it's ever crossed his mind to apply it to us.
Life....
11 years ago
No comments:
Post a Comment