The dress discussion continues.

My apologies if I already posted something similar with this information.

I was able to talk more with my mom about the whole dress thing. Turns out that the going rate for renting bridesmaid dresses is about $100 already, so we are finally set on just buying their dresses. We're (or at least I'm) looking specifically at this design in floor length, and in dark brown (or espresso, as their coloring is called). Archie says she's positive she'll look amazing in it, and would definitely wear it again cuz she loves brown. I also think Alex and Akemi would look great. Need to drag Alex into the store to try it on.

My mom argued with me a little bit about this. She told me she has never in her life seen bridesmaids in brown. She tried to sway me to peach or purple or something like that. I told her that I felt in the color scheme of cream, pink, and dark brown, a rich dark brown would be the most flattering. We just need to make sure the dresses are made with good material so they don't look like poo.

Then we got to talking about my dress. Yubo's parents are telling me that their seamstress friend (who did all the dresses for her own daughter's wedding this year) is excited to do it, but is really tied down with making the Nutcracker costumes for the dance studio that she and Mrs.Crumly work at. I told my mom about my convertible dress idea, and she seemed horrified that I wanted to wear something more of a cocktail dress (short) than an evening gown (long) at the reception. Again, she said she has never seen a bride in a short dress at a wedding.

For both dress reactions, I told her that was because she's only ever been to Chinese or Cambodian weddings. =P I think she would have died if I told her there are brides out there with black bridesmaids dresses (and even black wedding gowns in some cases). We'll see about the length of the reception dress. I like it short for a more spring feel, and also for ease of movement. I think it will also keep me from feeling huge when I have the larger skirt for the church on top.

I will be in L.A. for a week in January to try to finalize a bakery, photographer, videographer, and dress things. Hoping to get as much done as I want to.

Mmm.... drama.

It had been a while since my last break down with Yubo, so I figured it was about time for another one.

We've put our premarital counseling sessions on hold because we all got so busy, Pastor Wayne included. We've talked about trying to at least get a session in before Christmas, so I wanted to get more homework done. With the homework done, we'd be able to just jump into a session whenever available and not have to put off anything anymore.

There was a Couple's Project from the last session, Roles and Responsibilities, that we still needed to complete. It is a Roles Position Statement, about what we agree our roles should be when we're married.

The next session is Money, Money, Money. I was really excited about this one because it had charts in the Couple's Project for us to figure out a budget. I've been wanting to do that for a long time, but Yubo never had the time to just sit with me and go over it.

As we started going through the homework, Yubo remained distracted by the TV. I got frustrated because his attitude told me that none of this was important at all. I eventually left the living room to hang out with the cats in the bedroom. When after a long while he didn't come find me, I came back out and asked if anything more discussion was going to happen. He pointed out that I just got up and left. I told him that I was feeling ignored and had nothing else to do (especially since he started getting more and more interested in the commercials), and was also wondering where the cats were.

The tension was obvious. He tried to escape by offering to get food. As he got up, I threw out that we needed to find a way to not hate each other. He ended up sitting back down and explaining his position. The homework to him was tedious and unimportant, although he did recognize that the discussions were important.

I told him that nothing in his attitude or approach made it seem like anything in what we were doing was important, which -- as often happens with girls -- made me feel like I and we were not important. That turned into an outpouring of how ignored I was feeling for the past couple of days. I started crying. Blah blah blah. I mentioned that I hated feeling like this break down would make things better for a while before he reverted back to the way he usually is and the cycle continues.

After all that, I ended up leaving to get food. I knew he needed me to be away for a while, and I knew he was hungry. So was I, especially after all that crying. Afterwards, it calmed down a little bit. I still felt tension but tried not to show it. I think since I did that, he was able to feel like everything was ok.

We managed to get through the Money^3 homework. He was still distracted, but I was able to contain my frustration.

It's difficult for me to not apply his actions to other aspects of our relationship, even though they're not related. I tend to take things too far in my head. Even now, thinking about his procrastination, I wonder if he would never have proposed to me until I was about to leave him. That really has nothing to do with putting off homework, but that's how my mind works. Ridiculous extremes. I'm working on it, though. At least I don't say these things out loud as often as I used to. And now I can tell myself how retarded it is to even think like that.

Ugh. We'll get through it. I just really wanted to resolve more things before we actually get married rather than have to continue to work on them after the fact. There's him procrastinating and me wanting to get things done asap. A happy medium is somewhere in there.

Our latest test...

...and don't worry. It's nothing at all like Eric and Cara's. =P

Oh, the big issue of trust. Trust between each other (more my trusting him) and trust in the Lord.

We just became regulars on one of Lighthouse's worship teams. Really exciting, and such an honor for both of us. It's also neat that we're on the same team. Yubo and I really enjoy doing ministry together, despite the occasional butting of heads.

We got the e-mail asking us if we would become regulars on Sept. 26. After a good amount of prayer on our own, two days later we replied that we would love to join the team. Nothing was quite confirmed for us yet until we received another e-mail on Oct. 4 that our team was going to be the following Sunday.

Some of you readers may have noticed the mini comment battle on the "Playing House" entry -- that happened Oct. 5. We'll be very honest that the comments got under our skin quite a bit. We were wondering if it was conviction from God or if it was Satan's ploy to make us step down. We were a bit alarmed that such comments came so soon after our joining the worship team.

We both continued to pray and sought some counsel. The things that stood out to us the most was how judgemental the comments came across, and also that it was left anonymous. It was a little creepy that the commenter seemed to know so much about us, and may have been from Lighthouse. We figured that if it was really someone of God that wanted to support us in our walk with Christ and convict us of something they felt was wrong, they would not have stayed anonymous and actually would have come to us in person instead of online.

As we prayed, neither of us felt that we were supposed to step down. When we got over that and decided to go to rehearsal on Wednesday as scheduled, it felt good to be there. There were a few snags that didn't sit too well with us, but I won't post it here. We're going to find a time to approach our leader about it, but we felt it was more of Satan getting in the way.

So at the moment we both trust that this is what God wants us to be doing. And of course, if He tells us otherwise along the way, we both have no problem with that.


The next test just happened a short while ago, although it's been building up. Yubo's best friend wants them to invest in a little coffee thing. I don't know what they're actually called, but those little huts that usually sit at the edge of gas stations. Anyhow, the seller of one up in Stanwood (which is nearly an hour north of us) wanted to meet on Saturday (tomorrow).

The problem was that we already had quite a number of things booked for that day. He has a plumbing thing for the neighbor of one of our Lighthouse friends scheduled in the morning. Then we have a section leaders' meeting at our choir director's house at noon. Then we were schedule to help with assembling AIDS Caregiver Kits (a big project that our church has undertaken -- we're planning to assemble a total of 500 for World Vision). It was a lot of church stuff that we both felt took priority. That last one actually dropped for us as there were enough people already (*whew*) so we are considering stopping by the Paper Source to get more definitive pricing on our wedding invitations. We need to give Yubo's parents a cost to see if that works for them.

Yubo was originally going to not go to this Stanwood meeting, but then called me today and mentioned it as he went through his schedule with me. It was the first I heard he was actually going so I freaked out because I was certain he had gotten out of it.

He didn't even know quite where Stanwood was, so I hopped online to figure it out. He had things so back-to-back that I was getting anxious and irritated that he was going to miss too much of this choir meeting that he suggested. I was trying so hard to get my heart to stop racing because I was so frustrated with him, and I was just asking him to assure me that it would all work out ok and that I didn't have to worry about it. His efforts didn't quite help..... he's a pretty good salesperson but for some reason he has a really hard time selling me anything. It wasn't until he assured me that no matter what happens, he's leaving Stanwood at 11:00a even if he ends up having to get right back on the freeway and miss the coffee meeting. I don't know if he was originally intending to do that, but that really helped me out.

I told him that I would apologize to him tomorrow if everything actually works out the way he had planned, and would try my darnedest not to be too angry if it doesn't. He just has such a history of when any sort of work is supposed to be quick and easy and shouldn't take too long, something happens that makes things more complicated than he originally predicted and I don't see him for the rest of the day. (That's an exaggeration.... mostly.) It's difficult for me to trust him in this because I think he still tries to please everyone. I even offered to reschedule the meeting with our choir director, but he said to keep it.

Man... I bet it'd be great to get his side on this entry. I'm still working on getting him to blog, guys. I really want you to see his view of our world instead of just mine. And he's still talking about blogging... just waiting for it to happen. =P

Renting Dresses.

The more I get into this dress shopping, the more I'm drawn back to my original plan of renting dresses for both the bridesmaids and myself. Considering that most of my bridesmaids are currently in rather tough financial spots, it seems the better for them. It would be especially good if the cost is low enough that we might be able to split it with them to help them out.

For myself, the part of me that is my dad still likes the idea of renting and not getting stuck with this wedding gown that takes up space in the closet or storage never to be worn again.

I'm not getting so caught up in the aesthetics of the wedding anymore. The most important thing of the day is that we are going to be united before God with His blessing and be in celebration with our loved ones.

I think I do still want to focus more on the photographer/videographer. We want this day captured well, and we want to be able to share it with those that won't be able to make it. The plan is to show a video of the ceremony at the WA reception if a video is available by then.

We have six months to go, but I know that will fly by fast. I also know that things need to booked in time. Well, we'll see how this goes. A lot is going to come together in January when I'm in L.A. for a week before going with my family to China and Cambodia (yay!!).

I'm trying not to stress out or get impatient, and just trying to put it all in God's hands.

Wedding Chapel Card Box.

LoL! Now all I need is a figurine of Wolfwood standing next to it. Or dude..... a Wolfwood cosplayer holding it. XD

Invitations. Cake.

Invitations
Yubo and I had been to a Hallmark to browse through their wedding stuff and didn't come up with anything we loved. Yubo's indecisiveness didn't help much either.

Last Saturday we popped into a store called The Paper Source in Bellevue. Their name is very fitting. They have tons and tons and tons of decorative paper and envelopes and paper craft stuff. We were directed to their wedding books and began browsing. We actually found a design that we really liked, and we plan to go back this weekend to see if we can finalize anything.

Also trying to find a good way to get people's addresses. My dad's taking care of the Chinese invitations, so it's on us to do the American ones. Not entirely sure how to go about collecting addresses though.

Cake
Turns out my dad's friend declined making our cake. So now we have to find a bakery ourselves. I don't know what to do. I don't know any bakeries other than the Chinese ones that load up cakes with fruit. And we'd have to figure out how to do a tasting. Hmm............ maybe we should call on all our friends that went to culinary school and have a baking party. =P

Trying on dresses.

Last Friday Eric, Alex, Yubo and I went to David's Bridal to try on dresses. Considering how much I already hate shopping for clothes, this place didn't make it a whole lot better. People say this is the Walmart of bridal stores. I compare it more to Ross. It was very disorganized. It was my own fault that we were late to the appointment, but things took that much longer because it was so difficult going through the racks trying to find the dresses we found online.

They ended up not having a single bridesmaid dress that we were originally looking for, so Alex ended up going through everything to just pull anything to try on. Here's what she ended up with:

We found my favorite dress and picked out two others that we came across. Because I was trying on regular sized dresses and not petite, it was difficult to get a good idea of how I would really look in one. We pulled this one and I was pleasantly surprised that it actually looked pretty good:

Unfortunately, I didn't like the other two as much. I tried a third one that the consultant loved so much she ran to get a tiara and veil. Eric and I weren't too fond of it.

I was supposed to go to my massage therapist's friend's boutique this morning, but I wasn't feeling well. I didn't want to get any germs on the dresses so decided to reschedule. My boss, Karen, also gave me a tip to check out a consignment store in Kirkland so I might try that as well.

I still haven't found a style that works well with my body. I keep going towards halters and A-line dresses, but I wonder if I should just try everything and see. I wish Archie and Akemi could be with me. I trust their super honest opinions. Hopefully I'll have them with me if I end up renting a dress.

Playing House.

Yubo and I had one of our many long talks that never seem to resolve anything. I've been sleeping at home again for a bit until school starts next week, so our same problems came up again. I've asked him for more quality time instead of immediately getting so absorbed into a game or tv shows that he ignores me. He asked me to help out more around the house so that he doesn't feel overwhelmed by chores.

Since that talk, I started doing little bits like making sure the sink was clear and throwing away the trash that we would both leave in the living room.

Yesterday morning I was very frustrated with him. The problem of him staying up too late when he has to be up really early arose again. For nearly 3 or 4 days in a row, he woke up very late for work. That's what led up to this level of frustration. He set his alarm very early for something but didn't actually get out of bed. I asked him why he set it so early if he didn't really have to be up that early, and he said he was being ambitious. As he fell back asleep, I said that his being ambitious without following through was distrupting sleep for both of us. Reason I pointed that out was because in our talk, I told him that he was probably so tired because he deprives himself of so much sleep.

So then I told him that I was going to stay awake until he actually got out of bed. He said I didn't have to, but I told him that I really didn't trust him to wake up again. I sat up and spent some quality time with Tifa (I think she was really happy about that ^_^). Nearly an hour later he partially woke up, saw that I was still sitting up, and got out of bed in a huff. Left the house without a word.

I was irritated by his exit, even though I understood that he can be ill-tempered in the morning. That really stressed me out, so I called in to work. Because I was so irritated, I spent the whole day cleaning and reorganizing what I could. We had my new desk still in its box in the entryway (we have to figure out what to do with my old desk), so I shoved that into the bedroom and put it against the wall where it wouldn't be in the way. I continued to clear out the entryway by putting away the shoes we don't wear very often and vacuuming.

Since I had the vacuum, I did the portion of the carpet around the area that I could reach. That included finally cleaning up some of Tifa's hairballs.

After that, I went into the kitchen because that's usually the easiest place for me to clean. By the time Yubo got home I had emptied out the dish washer, swept and mopped the floor (with our new Swiffer thingie), threw away tons of things that needed to be gone finally, took out two bags of trash and started on a third, cleared off the kitchen floor of all the bags of groceries that we get but don't really put away, cleared off a lot of counterspace and reorganized where things go so that we can continue to have some counterspace to work with.

It was a very fulfilling project. I felt better by the time I had to face Yubo again. I don't think he knew at all that I was so mad that day. He had worship rehearsal last night so I also prepared his binder -- he's been subbing often enough that we're trying to cut back on the paper we use to print out the lead sheets, so I came up with printing one copy and putting it in a sheet protector and then making notes with a dry erase marker.

Since I spent so much time just cleaning in the house, I thought I should get out. Went with Yubo to worship rehearsal. Got Burger King on the way cuz we were both very hungry. And ended with a better night. When we got home, he helped me with a monologue that I'm doing for church this Sunday. Then he lounged on the couch while I finished up a little more cleaning. That third bag of trash that I started is already full up, but we have to wait until Tuesday because I already filled all the outside trashcans -- so angry that we don't have a freakin' dumpster for trash. Those cans outside only hold two bags. Thankfully, one of our neighbors moved out so there's an extra can for the rest of us to use. I still really want to just rent a dumpster and finally be rid of all the random junk we have in this place. Sometimes I think if Yubo really wanted a clean house, all he'd have to do is keep me angry because I clean when I'm upset. LoL.

Anyway... yesterday felt like we were actually fulfilling our roles -- felt like what I expect it to be like after we get married. Him at work and me at home cleaning. I'm sure that won't last long, but he agreed that we should come up with a chores list. I think that will help both of us know if one or the other might be doing more around the house, and we can easily fix it. I also want to sit down and figure out the household budget, and establish some house rules. We're adults now, so I think we can't just wing it like he's used to. Hopefully more of this stuff can get ironed out before we get married.

Dress. Cake.

Dress
I was talking with Yubo's parents about how my dad doesn't want me to buy a gown. Got to explain to them my convertible dress idea and showed them the pictures. I think they're considering doing it for me. There's a lady that Mrs.Crumly works with that does the costumes for the dance productions that the studio they work for puts on. I asked if they could just get a quote from her to see if I want to have them do it or not. If it's too expensive, I obviously won't.

Cake
Also while talking to his parents, I asked them if they have a favorite cake flavor. Mr.Crumly's response led me to the joke of having a Neapolitan cake. When I shared this joke with Yubo, he loved the idea. So I think we're going to try to have the bottom tier like that. I was thinking a layer of chocolate chiffon cake, a layer of vanilla chiffon cake, and strawberry mousse inbetween. I sent a message to my two known cake buddies to see what they thought of that -- just want to know if that would actually turn out well. I wonder if there will be a chance for a cake tasting. Depending on when Yubo can get down to Cali, I think there might be time since cakes aren't made too far in advance, right?

Photo/Video, Dresses, Performances, Budget.

Photo/Video
The Wedding Expo did help us see what pricing is like. LA Color fit well into what Seattle photographers were offering. However, when I talked to my mom about it, she said she wanted to take me to look at photographers and videographers that work out of Long Beach. The time that I'll get to see them is the first week-ish in January. I'm worried that if I don't like any of them, it'll be too late to book LA Color. I feel bad, but I really don't trust the people that work out of Long Beach, especially since I've never seen the videos from the weddings I've been to. The biggest problem really is the cost of getting good photo/video.... Yubo says he doesn't want to skimp on it either, but I don't know if we can really afford what we want.

Dresses
Asked my dad if he was going to help me buy my dresses, and of course he strongly suggested that I talk to my mom about going to a rental place. I think I've given up on getting my dream dress. I have an appointment at David's Bridal in about two weeks, but I have a strong feeling that I'm just going to end up renting what I can as far as a white gown. That really scares me, but I don't know what else I can do.

As for the evening gown, my mom said I can buy my own if I find one that I really like that's cheap enough. I really want to find something that is comfortable to wear and easy to dance in. I've been looking at ballroom dresses to get ideas.

Performances
We decided to stick to a simpler reception and cut the idea of having live performances from our friends/family. We also wanted to make sure that there was no way anyone would think it was open karaoke cuz we thought that would cheapen the whole event. This also helps us cut the cost of having a live band at the reception for not even an hour. Less to worry about, so I think this will work out better for the day.

Budget
Speaking of saving money, there's really no way for me to figure out a budget. Because so much is being delegated and it's not our own money, there doesn't seem like there's anything I can do. The thing that scares me the most about this is I don't know if plans are being made without me knowing. My sister says she's going to help make sure things turn out mostly the way we want them, but I feel like I still don't have any control over anything. Being the control freak that I am, I'm sure you all can see how unsettling a situation this is for me.

My mom just told me that my dad will ask Yubo's parents for a certain amount of money to pay for things, and that my parents will cover the rest of the cost. So it should play out to both sets of parents splitting all the costs; just that my parents have control over all the money. It seems I will never know the whole cost of our wedding, and somehow that seems wrong to me. And I'm very scared of my dad simply taking everything into his own hands. I mean, I know he's sorta listening to me.... and I have my mom and sister to back me up (btw, it sounds like he's given into the cupcake idea).... but I'm not there to actually approve of the decisions being made.

I'm a little distressed. Although I've never really thought of what my dream wedding would be like since I was little, like most girls do, I'm thinking about it now. However, I don't think I'll really get anything close to my dream wedding because of how the planning has to be done. Because of that, I'd almost rather discard all attempts at getting what I'd like and just go to a courthouse. It sure would be cheaper that way.

I know I shouldn't care about these things as much as I do. I know that the important part of this is being united with the man God made for me. Really no need for gowns or flowers or all that other fluff. I really wish I didn't care. It makes me feel very material and too far from the person God asks me to be. ::sigh:: Lots of prayer... and we'll see how this works out.

Photo/Video.

I'm a little concerned about this. I've sent two messages to Chin, the guy that took our engagment pictures, on Facebook and he hasn't replied back with a yes or no yet. I really want him to take pictures for the wedding because I really like his work. I also asked if he might know someone to do video.

I think it's time I start looking for plans B-Z for this one. =/



Update
I found a company called LA Color through yelp.com, where the single reviewer gave an excellent review and mentioned their familiarity with Chinese weddings. Visited the website and was quite impressed so I e-mailed them.

Got a reply to that e-mail quickly, and ended up on the phone with the videographer Taky. He was a great guy to talk to, and gave me lots of information about his and his partner's services for photography and videography. Their pricing seems to be on the high end, but after talking with him and browsing the website, it seems like they might well be worth it.

No matter where I read, people say not to skimp on the photo and video. But I'm not sure if we can handle $2300ish each (so $4600 or so total). He did offer a good amount of incentives, including extras and discounts. They also offer something called a magazine instead of an album, which I've never heard of before (probably because I'm way behind the times). So all the pictures are put in the correct orientation printed in magazine quality.... and you get a magazine of the pictures instead of an album stuffed with individual 4x6 pictures. Plus a disc of the pictures in case you want to print more on your own.

The other reviews I found outside of yelp were also really good. They pride themselves on excellence since most of their business is by referral. Since I'm unable to meet with them, he arranged to have more of their work e-mailed to me so I can see what a final product would be like. For one thing, I'm already really impressed with his customer service.

As I continue my search, the huge thing that's drawing me back to LA Color is their familiarity with Chinese customs. It's something I feel I just can't trust to an American. Heck, Taky can even refer me to an MC that speaks Cambodian, Chinese and English... all the languages I need!

So we'll see how this goes. I really need to get on a budget about now. I don't want to get my hopes up about things only to find out we really can't afford it. I mean... we can only rely on the income from the restaurant so much. Really, we shouldn't rely on it at all. We have time to save up, but I know I need to reground myself.

Hopefully going to this Wedding Expo will help us figure out what general pricing is on things -- help us make sure no one's trying to rip us off about anything.

Dress Progress.

Did more searches online and I found these two very pretty dresses that I think I'm going to base my convertible dress off of. There's a dressmaker all the way over in West Seattle that has gotten great reviews. I'm going to have to call her and make an appointment to meet with her, see if she can do what I want and if it'll actually look good on me, and get a quote for the project. Here's hoping this all works out and doesn't break the bank.

Convertible dress.

I had an epiphany about my dress -- convertible. One dress for the reception with a fuller skirt tied or belted on for the church. Doing a search online came up with some decent ones, so I just need to go into bridal boutique or something and see what it'll take to get something custom like that. I think that will either be cheaper, or at the most about the same, as buying and altering two separate dresses.

So the plan is to get something that looks great for the reception that I might be able to wear another time -- something that doesn't scream wedding dress too badly -- and just be able to donate/sell the skirt attachment as scrap fabric or just toss it and not feel too horrible about it. Or save it and use it as scrap material myself... I mean, I have a sewing machine. =P

If I really commit to this, I'm going to start looking at dress styles sooner rather than later so there's enough time to create what I want. I'll keep the two dress option in the back of my mind... or I'll even see if I can find something for the church that I'll still be able to dance in comfortably without any ridiculous bustling.

My mom needs to talk to my dad about purchasing the dresses though.... I'm scared he won't go for it because it's a loss instead of profit. We'll see.

Cosplay wedding.

I've wanted one for a long time, but Yubo shot me down.

HOWEVER.... out of absolute randomness, we found a scene where he would allow a cosplay wedding.

If you know me, the randomness of the train of thought shouldn't be too surprising.



It began with me wanting to go to Sephora after Best Buy.

Then I for some reason said "Sephirothia."

Then thought that would be an awesome name for a Sephiroth theme park. As you walk in, Sephi's theme blasts in the background. But then I couldn't remember what his song was. Kept mixing it up with "O Fortuna" from Carmina Burana.

On the drive over the Sephora, Yubo looks up Sephi's theme on his iPhone and we enjoy the live version (with the Black Mages) on the drive.

Then said to Yubo, "We should walk down the aisle to this."

Then Yubo says we should write Nobuo Uematsu and ask him to write a song for our wedding for the wedding soundtrack.

Then I say we should get the Black Mages to play at the reception.

Blah blah blah.... back to walking down the aisle to Sephi's theme. Said that should be Yubo's entrance music. Ask he bursts through the doors, he walks down with flames (the fake plastic ones with the fans) bursting up as he walks past each pew. He said the only way he'd make an entrance to Sephi's theme is to fly down. Then I thought if he was gonna be Sephi, I should be Aerith and have people scream, "No! Don't do it!"

Finally, Yubo ended with this: I, as Aerith, should be at the front first. Then he, as Sephi, would swoop down and meet me.... and on the happiest day of our lives, we remind all of our gamer friends of their anguish during that scene in our beloved FF7.

And that is the only way he would allow a cosplay wedding.

The end.

Career Interests.

There's been a little bit of talk about getting into modeling, more on Yubo's part than mine. It was something his mom suggested, but we don't even know if Yubo would have time to take on part-time modeling. With Alex (my best WA girlfriend) already an amateur model, that got me searching craigslist.com.

It was entertaining browsing through the listings, but it got me thinking about what I'm doing and what I want to be doing.

It sounds like fun to be a model, but I definitely don't have the body for it (or even the face, in my opinion). Even the listings asking for anyone just to expand their portofio got me thinking that nobody in their right mind would want to photograph me. All the acting listings caught my eye, but it's been so long since I've acted that I'm probably horrible now.

I wanted to post a want-ad for models to help me gain more experience as a makeup artist, but I don't exactly have anything to compensate them with. I wonder if I'd be able to pair up with one of those photographers and do makeup for their photoshoots.....? Just a bunch of amateurs trying to gain experience, right?

Anywho, I just wonder what I'll be doing after we get married. The plan was to take up my Mary Kay full time and be more serious about it, but I'll admit that I've lost my passion for it. I don't even go through my own skin care routine properly. I still believe in the products, because they really are great products, but I just don't have the motivation to go out and do classes anymore. I've even been considering trying to get hired at a makeup counter just to get training and gain more experience.

I also had a lot of fun taking pictures and videos of Alex during our Hawaii trip, but I'm nowhere near a decent photographer -- I just get lucky sometimes. I was thinking of carrying around a white sheet and posterboard for taking better before and after pictures though. =P

Not sure what to do. Lots of ideas floating around, but nothing I intend to hold onto just yet.

Update: Dresses, Flowers, Cake, Diet.

Dresses

The original plan was to get dresses made from scratch -- my white gown and evening dress. However, I'm thinking it might be just as possible to buy dresses for cheap and take them to a really good tailor. That way I don't have to go through the fuss of finding material, like we had to do for my high school first dance and prom dresses. Those dresses didn't turn out great at all.

So now I need to figure out just when I want to start dress shopping, and start looking for a good tailor. And if I do choose to buy dresses that I'll be trying on, that means Yubo can't come with me like I originally wanted. So I need to coordinate with Eric and Alex, since they're the only ones from my wedding party that are up here, and see when we can do this whole dress thing. Then I'll take pictures and send them to Akemi and Archie.

Flowers

Dropped the plum blossoms but sticking to cherry blossoms (sakura), especially since sakura is Yubo's family flower.

I found pictures of bouquets that use Stephanotis, I thought they were really pretty. So I sent them off to my sister to show my mom so my mom's best friend could use them as a template.

So I think the bridesmaids bouquets may turn out looking something like this, using Stephanotis and sakura. I just like how simple and clean it looks. The sakura will add a nice pink color so that it's not all one boring color. And I think it's small enough to not take away from whatever dresses they'll be wearing, but big enough that it won't be entirely pointless to carry them.

To bulk up my bouquet, my sister asked what flower I might want to add to the sakura. Since I tend to like smaller flowers (like sakura, plum blossoms, hydrangea) I had to find something bigger that would create a more prominent bouquet. Since I still want to stick to flowers that have significance in our cultures, I decided to go with peonies. Peonies were once the national flower in China back in the... Qing dynasty (thank you, Wikipedia). Also, apparently in Japan, they are considered the "King of Flowers."

Flowers for the church and reception have yet to be determined. I have some people I need to talk to about those.

Cake

Still a struggle over the cake, but I have my mom and sister working on my dad to see if he'll give in and let me have my cupcakes. My sister found this picture that's pretty much exactly what I wanted, with some modification to the actual decorations.

Diet

Haven't been doing too good. Didn't do Nutrisystem at all the whole trip of Hawaii, and when I got home we went to the Bite of Seattle (yum! alligator!). Then it was still a lot of cheating throughout the week. When I weighed myself after the trip, I gained about 2lbs. So I'm 152 instead of the 150 that I left with. Yubo thinks that's just muscle that I gained from the ridiculous amounts of walking that we did. Hmm... I'm not sure. But we'll see if I continue to get any smaller. I should start taking my measurements along with my weight each week. After another week of Nutrisystem since getting back, and I'm still 152.

I'm really interested in getting leg and arm weights (yes, kinda like Rock Lee from Naruto). Well, we'll see if that ever happens. =P

Custom dresses.

The plan was to get my gown and cocktail dress custommade to fit my body well. My mom had a person in mind, but I was concerned that the person might not know how to make a dress for someone with scoliosis. That was kind of the problem with all the other dresses I had made for school dances and such. Nothing ever fit right because those seamstresses kept trying to make things straight for my twisted body.

So my mom said that I can get it done myself, that way I don't have to worry about flying down for fittings and whatever.

Malia (a friend of ours from church that's getting married next summer) and Mrs.Crumly both suggested that I try on dresses just to see the general style that I like. Mrs.Crumly actually couldn't find a wedding dress that didn't make her look like a cake, so she just got a white evening gown that fit well and beaded it herself.

I'm actually really excited that I have control over my dresses now. And I may need to ask Sylvia, a lady that works with Mrs.Crumly at the dance studio, to alter my red dress. Probably do that in December.

I'm really sad that Archie and Akemi won't really be able to be with me to try on dresses, but I'll probably take lots of pictures and send it to them. I'll wait until I lose another 10-15lbs before I start trying on dresses though.

I think my dad missed the memo.

Everyone keeps telling me, "It's your day. It's whatever you want." My dad has no problem disagreeing. It's a little frustrating. I'm kinda torn on how to take it.

Before, I wouldn't have cared if I got married in jeans and a T-shirt in the park to save as much money as possible. Then watching all those darn bride shows on TV finally got me imagining my dream wedding. Suddenly I found myself thinking about what gown I want to wear, how to decorate things, what kind of cake I want, etc etc. All that weird stuff that most women started dreaming up as little girls. As a little girl, I just dreamt of getting married... that someone would love me enough to marry me. And I figured I would have a completely Chinese wedding anyway, so nothing for me to worry about. Now that we're having a church wedding, that's all changed. However, my dad didn't hop on the wagon with us. Actually, he stayed on the platform and waved as it left.

I'm probably being overdramatic. I mean, nothing big has happened for me to complain like this. But enough has happened that I can imagine how the rest is going to happen with him.

First thing, I did not want any bottle of alcohol already available on the tables. I am strongly against having anyone drunk at the reception, and I don't want to risk any adult giving any child a sip to taste. My dad tried to tell me that it doesn't happen with Chinese people. Well... I've seen some of my own aunts and uncles let the family kids taste alcohol, and my grandma is an alcoholic. Really, dad? Chinese people aren't like that?

Second thing, I really wanted cupcakes instead of a big regular wedding cake. For one, I really don't want some boring traditional cake that you see in most Chinese bakeries. Definitely don't want the flowers made with that gross creamy frosting that nobody eats. If there are flowers, I want sugar flowers. Also, it's easier to pawn off cupcakes for the guests to take home than messy slices of cake.

Then, I want a mix of live performances and DJ at the reception. My dad is kinda going along with it, but made it very clear in his tone that he didn't approve of something so "complicated," is how he probably sees it. He's more concerned about people that haven't seen each other in a long time to be able to talk to each other, which I do understand, but just his reactions to my ideas irritate me.

He thinks there's complete separation between our Chinese stuff in the morning and night, and the church thing is off on it's own. Even my mom thought that the reception was going to be strictly Chinese customs.

::sigh:: We have time. I don't like being frustrated so soon. I know that in the end nothing else will matter other than the fact that Yubo and I will finally be married and that the people we love will be there celebrating with us.

Church is secure!

After feeling horrible about harrassing my contact person from Evergreen Baptist L.A. (although she assures me I wasn't bugging), I finally got an e-mail back from her that she feels confident that we will have a wedding coordinator for that date and that I can tell my dad to go ahead and finalize the restaurant. Yay!!! God is so good.

*whew* I'm so glad that I don't have to worry about that (very much) anymore.

I actually finally received a call from the Chinese Evangelical Free, which was our second choice, but I never called her back because I really just wanted to wait for Evergreen. Ah... such relief.

Healthier Living: Week 1

Mochi's Nutrisystem - Week 1
Starting weight = 155lbs

Day 1
Breakfast was NS Blueberry Muffins, Yoplait Pineapple Upside-down Cake yogurt, and a nectarine. The muffins were surprisingly good. A little dense, and not as moist as I would have liked, but overall pretty good. Lucky, cuz I ordered 7 of them. Had to drink water with the muffins to compensate for the lack of moisture. The yogurt wasn't as good as I'd hoped. Didn't have enough pineapple flavor. And the nectarine was about a week old, so it lacked a lot of flavor as well.

Lunch was NS Chicken Noodle Soup. Again, surprisingly good. Decent amount of flavor. Kinda skimped on the chicken, but oh well. If I really want to, I'd be allowed to add another ounce of chicken to it. I didn't pick out the celery and carrots like I normally would have, so I actually finished the entire thing. The noodles were a weird texture, but not horrible. I also planned to have carrots and cucumber along with it, but my cucumber had already spoiled (a week old, and I didn't wrap it properly). So I just had carrots. I already screwed up by have 2T of peanut butter with my carrots when I'm only allowed 1t. And then I had Chocolate Silk.

I missed my afternoon snack, so I just added it into dinner.

Dinner was NS Lemon Butter Chicken with Noodles. I had to pick out the mushrooms, which Yubo ate for me, but after that it was really good. Yubo and I both had Caesar salad (with light dressing)... which I actually shouldn't have had since I already used up my fat serving with the peanut butter. But now I know how not to screw up. =P Also had Crystal Light Peach Mango Green Tea to drink. Sure hope that's ok. I'll have to ask about that too. My sister just adds lemon to her water.

Dessert was NS Chocolate Cake, paired with the strawberry yogurt and strawberries I planned for afternoon snack. The choco cake was really quite yummy. Like the muffins, it was dense and a little dry, but the strawberries and yogurt really helped.

Was able to play Wii Fit for about 15 minutes instead of my usual 30. Didn't plan ahead well enough. But I'm glad I was able to do some.

It was a little weird because I spread out all of those meals, which had me eating something ever hour or so (except when I missed my snack, so I was super hungry by the time I was able to eat dinner). Also, I read that this food can make you really bloated and gassy. Yikes! Tell me about it. It happened as soon as I ate the muffins in the morning.

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Day 2
Breakfast was NS Cinnamon Swirl Granola Bar. Not very flavorful, and very very dry. First thing I've eaten that I would say tastes like cardboard. Drank Choco Silk with it, so that helped a bit. I'll wait a bit, and finish off breakfast with the rest of the strawberries from last night.

Switching up my menu today. Had a dinner entree for lunch, and I'll have a lunch bar for dinner. So for "lunch" I had the NS Thick Crust Pizza. Thank you, Lord, it was super yummy. Tasted like a pizza bagel. Had some mixed berries Crystal Light, which was also good. Tried the NS Sour Cream & Onion Soy Chips.... very boo. Tasted like really really bland rice crackers. But I am ridiculously happy that the pizza was good.

I totally cheated on dinner today. Someone bought Jack in the Box and McDonald's for us at The Well tonight. So I had about 5 fries, a bite of a hamburger, and half a chicken sandwich. I did eat whatever lettuce and tomato was on it though, which I never do. I was really hungry though, and was sad that my Soy Chips were yucky because they were supposed to help tie me over. After The Well, I had the NS Chocolate Raspberry Bar. Not bad at all. Didn't love it, but I'd have no problem eating it again. Stopped by the store on the way home and bought a chicken Caesar salad to cover my veggie servings for the day. Yubo got himself a salad too.

Yubo's really proud of me for eating so many salads without putting up much of a fuss. He almost let me cheat more today because he was craving fries (seriously... after 11:00p he gets pregnant) instead of his usual pineapple cravings, but the McDonald's he went to was already closed. Lord, thank you for keeping us healthy.

Didn't get too much exercise today except for what little dancing I did at The Well. Still gotta plan better. Maybe work out in the morning or afternoon instead of trying to wait 'til evening.

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Day 3
Cheating all day, mostly because I was very concerned about my eating schedule today. We were on worship today, which meant we were up at 6:30a. I would have only had a breakfast bar... no yogurt or fruit because I forgot to put the ice pack in the freezer. That would have left me with nothing to eat until 2:30p, which is when I got out of my massage appointment. Eight hours on just one breakfast bar? I think not. So Yubo allowed me to have a cheat day. I'll start back on my Nutrisystem food tomorrow.

I'm giving myself 2 cheat days a month, especially since the food supply only lasts 28 days anyway. But I'm going to try to make those cheat days as healthy as possible. Hopefully I'll still be able to keep it up in Hawaii.

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Day 4
Had the NS Chocolate Chip Granola Bar for breakfast. Thankfully, it was pretty good. Doesn't compare to the Quaker Oats one I usually eat, but it's good enough that I don't regret ordering 7 of them. Also had a yogurt... I think it was the Yoplait Light Blueberry Harvest. Pretty good.

Lunch was a very inedible NS Noodles with Chicken and Vegetables. Even Yubo couldn't eat it. So after a bite of that, I had a chicken Caesar salad and 1/2 c of Egg Beaters. I really wanted a boiled egg, but it would've taken me too long to make and I had to get to work.

Dinner was NS Spaghetti with Meat Sauce, and it was actually rather good. The sauce was a touch too tangy for my tastes, but overall it was good to eat. Finished dinner with a peach, a salad and light Caesar dressing, and two plums.

Dessert was the NS Fudge Brownie. I don't think there was much difference between it and the Chocolate Cake. Dense, a little dry, but ok to eat.

Overall, I just missed lunch and a fruit serving for the day. Haven't been exercising though. =/

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Day 5
I'm sick! I was already having issues with my throat last night. This morning I was coughing like crazy. Didn't get up until noon. I had the NS Nutrifrost Crunch cereal with vanilla Silk for breakfast. It was yummy. Would probably want to add my fruit serving to make it a bit more interesting and filling in the future.

NS Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch, hoping it might have the same benefits as regular chicken noodle soup for a sad sick person like me. Putting off my dairy/protein, fruit and veggie servings because the cough and sore throat make me not want to eat anything I have.

Dinner was NS Flatbread Pizza. Very yummy, although I think I like the Thick Crust Pizza better since it tastes like a pizza bagel. Yubo brought me some V8 that I used to fill up all my fruit and veggie servings. Also munched on some cucumbers with a little bit of light ranch dressing.

Had a very delicious NS Blueberry Lemon Bar for dessert. Yubo agreed that it was really really good. (I let him have a tiny bite.)

I still had three dairy/protein servings to fill, so I decided to cook up some beef. Yubo went out and bought some flank, and I cooked us cubed beef with a little bit of oyster sauce and lemon juice. I had 3 oz, and Yubo got to eat the rest.

No exercise again, especially due to being sick. ::sigh:: I miss playing Wii Fit.

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Day 6
Ridiculously sick. Threw up a little bit, coughing hurts like crazy (but I managed not to cough most of the time), fever, and super dizzy. No Nutrisystem today. Had a couple spoons of condensed chicken noodle soup that I couldn't even taste. Slept a whole lot. Yubo bought me some bread. I had a slice and cucumber water (which I also couldn't taste). Slept a little more. Then Yubo made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a glass of V8. I only had appetite enough to eat half of it. Took some Tylenol Cold and Oscillococcinum.

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Day 7
Weighed myself today even though I'm actually supposed to weigh tomorrow. Oh well. I'll do it again tomorrow. Anyhow....

Weight = 150lbs!!

I already lost 5 pounds in one week. Could easily be due to not eating much yesterday, but I'm still surprised after cheating as much as I did. We'll see if this goes up tomorrow on my actual weigh day.

I haven't eaten anything yet today. Probably gonna stick to bread and water again since I'm still sick. No fever, but I'm still coughing and a bit dizzy. I'll probably eat the other half of my PB&J sandwich that Yubo lovingly made for me.

I wonder what I'll eat during my 9 days in Hawaii with Alex. She can probably help me stay healthy even if I don't bring my Nutrisystem stuff. I wanna be able to eat out with her. Then when we get home, I plan to have alligator on a stick at Bite of Seattle. So I'll start my Nutrisystem again after that.

Introducing the diet, and just trying to be healthier.

After an exorbitant amount of "loving and concerned" comments about my weight from my parents, and thinking that my mom should be a direct seller for Nutrisystem, I caved in and started a Nutrisystem diet. I've also requested that Yubo start being healthier alongside me so I don't feel so bad about not being able to eat real food.

I ordered my first month the Tuesday we got back from Cali. My food arrived Thursday afternoon (which threw my sister and mom into an outrage because they didn't receive their food until a week after they ordered), and I started Friday.

After this post, I'll talk about the food I'm eating and exercise, and how well Yubo's doing in supporting me and living his own healthier lifestyle. Probably do it by week, so one entry will be updated several times that week.

Well... here we go.

California Trip & 1st Wedding Meeting.

Yubo and I went down to California, June 17-22, specifically to find a church and to meet with our parents to talk about wedding stuff. Since we had some time, we hung out at Disneyland and DCA a few times as well. ^_^ Yubo's mom also helped me with a dance thing for church.

Overall, it was a good trip. The frustrating parts for me were just scheduling and having to deal with my parents continuously encouraging me to lose weight. It was almost as if they didn't realize that they already said something about it the day before. My mom mentioned Nutrisystem at least once every day. And my dad kept wondering why I didn't want to spend time with him. (Reason is cuz all we know how to do with each other is eat, and then he comments on how much I'm eating.) I felt horrible because I do miss my parents, but I wish they would let the weight go once in a while and let me be their daughter instead of a number on a scale.

Thursday was spent at the dance studio working on my little project, and watching Ei-chan's coaching. We went to dinner at a Mediterranean place called The Olive Pit. The food was pretty good. I learned that I actually don't like hummus as much as I thought I did.

On Friday, Yubo's mom signed Yubo and me in to Disneyland. The point was because we haven't been in so long, and I've never been to California Adventure. Unfortunately, we didn't know that it was grad night. We had time enough to walk all around DCA and ride Jungle Cruise and Pirates before everything closed. Had a nice dinner at Jazz Kitchen, then went home.

I had been trying to schedule a dinner meeting with everyone (both sets of parents and my sister) to discuss wedding stuff. It started off on Thursday night, but then Mr. Crumly said he wanted to watch Ei-chan's coaching. Friday didn't work for my sister (Thursday was perfect for her). So we pushed it to Saturday at 7:00p. Then, since it was Saturday, my sister needed it to be earlier to give her enough time to prepare for things on Sunday. So it moved to 6:00p, and finally settled on 5:00p.

That also moved around when we were going to look at churches. I wanted to keep the church shopping and dinner on the same day so there wasn't so much driving back and forth for the Crumlys.

On Saturday morning the Crumlys, Akemi and I visited the three churches I had looked up: Evergreen Baptist L.A., Chinese Evangelical Free Church, and Mission Valley Free Methodist. I wanted a church that is easy to get to, and is close to my parents' house and/or the reception restaurant. Had dim sum breakfast at Capital Seafood (a.k.a. 828 on Atlantic and Garvey, where the reception is going to be) between the first and second churches.

Evergreen was really nice. It was the only church of the three that I was able to talk to a person. This was the one that Pastor Wayne suggested. I especially like it because it's only about 5 minutes away from my parents house (so in case my parents are moved to start attending church someday, they will be familiar with one close by...... muahahaha). Anyway, the people were really friendly and helpful. The sanctuary was really pretty. There is a really neat water fountain thing in front, and bamboo grows right outside the entrance to the sanctuary. There's a neat little grassy area at the end of the building that would be good for pictures. It had its own parking lot, and borrows from Don Bosco Tech for overflow. The actual church is set back away from the street, so it's nice and quiet.

I really liked the architecture of the Chinese Evangelical. Really modern, sleek, and artsy. It was also really pretty inside. The trouble was difficult parking, lots of stairs, and awkward access to the sanctuary. It was also right on Atlantic, so there was a lot of street noise.

I already knew I wouldn't be up for the Mission Valley church, but we went to look anyway since we had so much time left over. It's the sister church to Anaheim Free Methodist, which is where the Crumlys go. The main reason why I didn't go for it even before seeing it was that it was a little farther than the other two I had found, and I didn't want Spanish/Mexican architecture. The whole theme to the wedding is combining our cultures, and that kind of architecture just doesn't fit. Actually seeing the place confirmed that I didn't want it. The doors to the sanctuary had carvings of a weird looking person with lambs. Pretty easy to hide by just keeping the doors open. But the sanctuary was very small compared to the others, and very cramped. The color scheme didn't help to open up the room. All the pews were a dark red.... the whole room was dark and made the room seem even smaller. The only thing it really had going for it was the sun shining through glass with a dove design at the top of the wall facing the entrance. With the lights out, it was really beautiful.

By this time, it was only about 2:00p. With 3 hours to kill, we decided to just drive around a look for anything else just to see other options. Nothing fabulous to report here except for Lake St Church in Pasadena. Super huge and gorgeous, but they only marry members of the church. We also stopped by Westminster Presbyterian, or whatever, in Pasadena. It was this huge gothic church. We went to feed Mrs. Crumly's curiosity, even though we obviously weren't going to consider it. We were able to look inside because they were preparing for a wedding that day. We stayed long enough to start getting weird looks from one of the mothers, wondering who we belonged to.

We finally got to my parents' house for dinner. My dad got some fillet mignon that my mom made lok lak out of. Super yummy. My dad also went out and got salmon sashimi. Apparently, that was really good as well. Dinner was fun and enjoyed by all.

Then we got to the discussion. We were able to talk about a lot of things. Figured out in what order things need to happen, and who would be in charge of what. I took notes and kept the discussion moving, trying to keep us from too many tangents (as the Crumlys are very prone to birdwalking). My dad kind of ruined my night by asking Yubo to make sure I lose weight. I almost started crying at the table, but managed to keep myself composed for the most part. I redirected the conversation to talking about invitations and what other paper things we'd need to get printed. Thankfully, everyone else at the table understood my situation, so they happily supported my segue.

We finally got to a point where there was nothing else we could talk about before getting other things finalized. After all the church shopping, we had decided on Evergreen Baptist, so Akemi and I were going to stop by on Sunday to see if we could set up the reservation. Unfortunately, both wedding coordinators were unavailable, but the lady I had been e-mailing said she'd let me know by the end of this week if it'll work. I really pray it does.

The rest of Sunday, Akemi and I went to Anaheim Free Methodist to meet up with the Crumlys. Even though lunch was great, it took forever. There was some miscommunication, but once we got past that, we had a good time. We were able to ask Yubo's little cousins if they could draw our manga for us, so now we just need to get them some sort of script. The food was good. The company was good. But Akemi and I were anxious to get going to Disneyland again to make up for the sad visit on Friday.

After lunch Yubo, Akemi and I finally got to Disneyland. We started off in DCA so I could actually experience some of the rides there. Hopped over to Disneyland for a few more rides before seeing the Electrical Parade and riding Soaring Over California, or whatever it's called. I had a really great time, even though my feet were absolutely killing me. Turned out I got blisters from all the walking. Ended the night with dinner at Rainforest Cafe, where I finally found food that I like there. Yay!

I made a decision that night that I was determined to eat every horribly unhealthy favorite food that I could before starting Nutrisystem. So I really wanted Weinerschnitzel before we left. I arranged to have Yubo's parents take us to the airport because my mom wouldn't've let me eat what I wanted. Besides, I needed to pack some stuff in the suitcase anyhow, so it worked out better in the end. Enjoyed Weinerschitzel with the Crumlys. Got to the airport with plenty of time to spare. It was a great way to end the trip.

Show me how to love like you have loved me.

There are times when I fight how lucky I am to have someone like Yubo love me as much as he does. I fight it because I don't deserve it, even though it's not up to me to decide who he loves. Too many times do I think he'd be so much better of with someone else instead of just accepting him as the gift he is.

Briefly, I got myself into quite a mess. Because I haven't been treating my business like a business, I've become quite in debt and have missed some payments. I've never been so ashamed. Why does this shame me more than, say, how many guys I've slept with? Because this is the final proof of how much I've let myself go.

But Yubo doesn't love me any less for such a mistake. He might be quite disappointed in me, but bless his heart for not really showing it. I think I'd die if he did. He kept reassuring me that it was ok, that we can handle it, that everyone makes mistakes... that he forgives me and still loves me.

I feel horrible for dragging him into my mess to help me get out, but I know I can't do it alone. I'm bothered that my problem becomes our problem. I wish I could disappear so he wouldn't have to deal with such a burden.

I told him a few nights ago that I felt a wall being built between us. He was surprised by that. I said maybe it's just me... because it's probably me that's building the wall. I push him away because I get so disgusted with myself. Why would he want to dirty himself and stay with me? Then I think... why did God come and die for us sinners before we even knew Him? The hardest thing for me is to love myself the way God and Yubo love me. I struggle to let this part of me go. I almost enjoy wallowing in my pain. It's proof to me that I'm worthless. But I know that's the enemy talking. As a horrible analogy (simile? metaphor?), I've kept myself in the dark for so long that I'm still adjusting to the light. It's like how I keep wanting sun during winter, and when it finally comes I complain that it's too bright and too hot. =P

But I'm working on it, and thank God that I have Yubo here by my side. We have to make some mistakes in order to learn from them. So Yubo's going to help me figure up a plan on how to get these payments made and get me back in good standing with my credit. I need to figure out how to reduce my inventory (probably a 50% sale) and get to something more manageable.

::sigh:: We'll get through this.

Passing fancies.

I'm having a bit of an issue with how little Yubo is contributing to this blog. On top of that, we decided to try out this WeddingTracker website, but he would rather watch CSI episodes and the first Matrix movie than help me design and fill out this website.

He understands that I can't help but see this blog and website as more tangible proof of how much he cares about us and our relationship and the wedding and blah blah blah. However, he can't seem to keep himself from being too tired to do things with me, which in turn makes me insecure about how invested he really is.

I know. That's a whole lot of typical cliché crap. And I hate that I feel that way, but I can't ignore that I do.

He's aware of all this; I know he is. But it seems like there's something in him that just makes him refuse to do anything about it. I find myself becoming a nag, and I don't want that because I know that will make him not want to do something more. (I sure hope that sentence makes sense.)

I think I mentioned this before that he's always so full of ideas and inspiration. He's the dreamer in the relationship. But because of that, he never really sees anything through. Another idea will distract him from the first. I just want to figure out a way to help keep him motivated enough to actually stick to and complete a project.

He told me once that it's so difficult for him to bounce ideas off me. Rarely do I take the time to indulge in an idea if I don't think it'll come to fruition. The only things like that that I return to are really dumb "brilliant invention" jokes, like a salt shaker at the front of a car to help deice the road. Otherwise, I find it a waste of time to let my imagination run wild. I like being creative within boundaries and limitations. I like knowing how far I can go because it helps me focus.

Yubo despises boundaries and limitations. He likes to think of all possibilities, and then narrow it down. So when he starts going off on an idea with me, I try to figure out the details to see if it will really work. Oftentimes, I end up bursting his bubble. He gets so excited about things, and so he's come to fear that talking to me will make him realize that the thing he's so excited about won't work. He likes to keep himself in that dreaming state for as long as possible before I grab his leg and slam him down into reality. It makes me feel horrible. I don't like doing that to him. This is yet another area where we really need to learn how to compromise and work to balance each other.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is he went along with these ideas of the blog and the website. He seemed excited about it, but won't commit to really making it reality. So of course I take it that 10million steps further in my mind and think that he's super excited at the idea of us getting married... so what happens when the day arrives for it to become reality?

He doesn't do much to calm these insecurities of mine. I understand the fear of failure that most men experience. I have that same fear almost at the level of men. It's not like I'm trying to set him up to expose any inadequacies, but I need to see him trying. And I try to reassure him that I don't really expect him to get it right the first time.... but just because there may be some mistakes in the first couple of tries, I want him to keep trying. Sometimes he gives up too easily, and I guess I'm scared that one of these days he'll give up on me... and on us. He says he'd fight for me, but I have yet to believe him.

I need to know that I'm real to him, and that our relationship and our upcoming marriage isn't just a good idea in his head. When I talk to him about stuff like this, it seems to paralyze him. He doesn't know what to think or do. It almost makes me feel bad about wanting to marry him. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking his life away, that he'd be so much better off and happier as a real bachelor. He's never had that... living single in his own bachelor pad, having the guys over for a couple beers to watch a fight or sports or play video games, a place all to himself where he can relax and do whatever he wants. It makes me think that maybe I should move out for real until the wedding. Then it's my own fear that keeps me here at home.

::sigh:: What a mess we are.

Sorry for what I think was a great big tangent. I don't think that was what I was originally planning to write about. =P

Getting into shape.

I've been talking to Yubo about me getting a personal trainer to help me get in shape for the wedding, and for my overall health in general.

Instead, we ended up getting both Wii Fit and EA Sports Active. I tried Wii Fit on my own. The beginner level is already hard for me. =/ Yeesh. I never realized that it was so difficult to balance. @.@;; But the games are fun. I really like hula hooping. I had Batman and Chuck Norris (some of the Mii's we have) tossing more hula hoops at me.

We just finished a session on Active. Man! That thing killed me!! But it's cool that we can use this to work out together. It really helps having him there alongside me even though he doesn't really need the workout himself.

Also, our Magic Bullet came today. I already blended up some frozen strawberries with vanilla Silk and agave nectar. It wasn't as yummy as I'd hoped because the strawberries already lost a lot of flavor being frozen since last season. After dinner, we stopped by QFC to get more stuff for me to blend. I made fresh strawberries with raspberries, cucumber, vanilla yogurt, vanilla Silk, and some agave nectar. After making them, I stuck the cups in the fridge to chill while we worked out. Really yummy, and a great way to end the night.

We've got lots of other fruits and veggies for me to blend together. I'm actually really excited to try out more stuff. ^_^ We'll see how long this excitement lasts. =P

Dress. Website. Soundtrack.

Dress
A girl posted on a message board on Weddingbook (on Facebook) that she was going to get her dress custom-made for a few reasons, one being that she has scoliosis. I thought that was genius. Because of my scoliosis, clothes often just don't fit well and aren't as flattering as they would be on a normal person. I've fussed many times with uneven hemlines and fabric twisting awkwardly on my torso making side seams warp. I remember one of my favorite tanks; it was tight-fitting (back when I didn't worry about strange bulges), but the material stretched to conform my body. Eventually, the whole garment was simply twisted as it hung on a hanger. Also, having a shorter torso than most (I think) and a sway back causes fabric to bunch up awkwardly where it normally wouldn't on other bodies.

Considering these frustrations and how it's every girl's dream to look absolutely fabulous and stunning on her big day, I'm really considering getting a dress custom-made.

I was originally thinking that I'd probably just rent some dresses for the big day (I would need a white gown and a dress for the reception). Problem with that is the availability of dresses is always changing, and the selection can be quite limited. Since it's so difficult to find anything that really works well with my body, I'm not sure if I want the stress that will likely come with all that. So something to discuss with my mom.

Website
Two good friends of ours from church, Malia and Jeff, got engaged soon after we did our Chinese engagement. They're getting married in June in Hawaii. They set up a website to give guests all sorts of information about the wedding and other events (showers, bachelor/ette parties, etc). Also allows guests to RSVP online, and has all sorts of other features too. They went through WeddingTracker.com, where the package is $60 for a year. (Although I guess there's a promotion to get 50% off.)

It sounds like a great idea. Obviously we have the Weddingbook on Facebook, but that seems to only be open to other Facebook users. I found something similar on eWedding.com, but to get all those same features would be about the same price but only for 6 months. So I guess if that promo code still works, that might be the way to go.

I like the idea of having all the necessary information easily accessible on a website. I also like the online RSVP. Saves the cost of stamps and wasted paper. Something to talk to Yubo about. He'll probably go for it, since I'll be the one maintaining it. I mean... I squeezed out that initial blog post from him, but I'm not sure if he's ever going to write another entry. =/

Soundtrack
The thought of creating our wedding soundtrack is exciting to me. It's like putting music to a movie (not that I really have any experience with that). I know I mentioned something similar as an idea for a wedding favor, but I think this would really just be for us. It'd be great to have this CD compilation of all the music we use on our day, and so far it's fun looking for music.

I'm having to research to see when music would really be needed. I figured it was just the walking down the aisle and leaving the church, and then whatever music at the reception. Apparently there's quite a bit more to it, although I know it's not mandatory or anything like that.

But anyway, we're already collecting some good songs. One that I recently heard on the radio was actually really fitting for us, but not one we'd use as our first dance song (and I think the first dance song really will be limited to what our friends write). The song is "You Dance" by eastmountainsouth. It's such a pretty song, and I'm thinking I'd like to have it playing as our processional song.

I promised Aki that I would try my best to have the String Quartet version of "Sugar, We're Going Down". I think I'd like to hear it as people are arriving at the church and mingling. Seems like that's where it'd fit the best.

Hmm... I guess that's really all I have for this update. So now I'm just waiting for Yubo to get home cuz we wanted to go to GameStop today.

Restaurant Secured.

Just wanted to update that my mom told me my dad secured the restaurant. So here's hoping (and praying) that we can get a church for that date. I wonder if I should start calling churches before visiting, or see if any arrangements need to be made for visiting. Or perhaps I should ask Yubo's parents to pre-visit churches...?

Also, a fun fact that I remembered while reading the previous posts: If a winter wedding were possible, we were considering January 9th so we wouldn't have to remember a new date. If we did that, we would have shared our anniversary with his parents.

Another Wedding Idea.

We were thinking about how people have videos or picture slideshows about how the couple got together or whatever. We thought it'd be really neat to have one or both of his cousins (Chiemi and Miyeko -- I think that's how they spell it) create a manga version of that for us to have at each table for people to read if they wish.

On that note, we want our cake topper to be anime/manga versions of us drawn in milk chocolate on a sheet of white chocolate. ^_^

Recovering and Learning.

So the deadline thing about updating was missed, and yet here's an update. The deadline was actually his request; he says he works better with deadlines... it helps him figure out just how long he can procrastinate. But then he requested to just keep this blog up. I suppose a part of me thinks continuing with it will be helpful for us. The whole point for me was so we had something to look back on from time to time. And writing those first few entries were fun... I got to revisit those fun memories.

There are times when I get so upset that I simply forget how I ever was attracted to him in the first place. I was asked by someone how I knew Yubo was the one I wanted to marry. I replied with something along the lines of, "I get frustrated with him a lot, but when I just get over myself and see past the frustration, I know that God made him to be my provision." He's someone that I simply need in my life. When I'm angry, irritated, frustrated, etc, it's very easy to forget that. I think the key is to be able to remember during hard times.

Yes, there are things that we haven't figured out yet. But we always recover from our fights and step into a stronger relationship with each other. I've learned to let him know calmly when I need to cool off, or when I'm not in the proper mindset to talk with him. When I actually put that into practice, we both come out better. It helps me to understand the situation better, and it helps him to gather his thoughts to present them in a more coherent manner. Makes it easier to actually work through our problems and get closer to a solution.

It's exciting to think that we're slowly but surely evolving past our cold war ways. I'm learning to not hold onto a grudge for days at a time. He's learning to actually talk to me during a tense situation instead of bottling up, which made things worse for me. Of course we have our moments of slipping into our old ways, but I do think we're getting better about it.

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The Story
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This is kind of what sparked the previous entry and Sunday's entry. I don't think this is a necessary read, so if you don't care for my extensive explanations of situations and rants you're welcome to stop reading this entry now. =)

I had quite a blow up last Saturday night. We had just spent an awesome day hanging out and shopping for new clothes for him. On the way home, Archie called me -- it was past 1:00a her time, so I figured it was something important. I wanted to be able to give her as much of my undistracted time as she needed, so that made me want to stay home instead of go to Julie's as I had originally planned for that night.

I was expecting to stay up until at least 12:00a or so talking with her. When I sleep at Julie's, I try to wake up at 9:00a to get home by 9:30a and finish getting ready by 10:00a so we have lots of time to get breakfast. Since Yubo had slept perhaps an hour in the last day, I didn't expect him to wake up and be ready by 10:00a (which is our deal if he wants to get breakfast before church). So I was also trying to prepare myself for having to wake him up (which takes about half an hour, which means I would've had to wake up even earlier).

I told Archie I'd call her back because I was driving (at night without bluetooth). When we got home and I mentioned my intention to Yubo, he threw me some attitude. I was getting ready to put my phone on it's charger and set myself up in the living room for a good talk. When he started asking me why I was paying $300 for a room at Julie's, that pushed me over the edge. Reason was that I didn't feel like I was trying to find excuses to stay home. Every time I do stay home, I feel my reasoning is valid (usually I'm too tired, or sick, or both -- which has been the case since we got back from the church retreat).

Really, he was right. I shouldn't have tried to stay home. But a few days earlier, we had a similar spat. That coupled with how unaware he is about his tone sometimes made me snap. I threw my charger to the ground, barked, "Fine, I'll go!" and slammed the door on my way out.

I set up my bluetooth and called Archie back. Talked to her as I drove, and stayed in the car when I got to Julie's to finish our conversation. The walls in Julie's house are kinda thin, so I didn't want to be inconsiderate to anyone sleeping. Ended the call around 11:30p cuz she needed to get to sleep. I got to vent a little bit to her. Unfortunately, I still didn't get to sleep until around 3:30a because Julie's youngest and his gf were in the room next door talking nearly full voice until about 3:00a. Speaking of being inconsiderate of those that may be sleeping.

So that made Sunday a tough day.... moreso than usual. I didn't arrive home until 10a that morning. Of course, Yubo was still sleeping. We didn't leave until 10:30a. I didn't even want to fight about breakfast, so we got breakfast and were late to church.

We were able to talk about what happened, and I think we've moved on from it. I don't really think it'll get any easier from now on, but I think now we have a better idea of how to better handle any similar situations.

Conflict Management.

Mochi's version.
From where I stand, conflict management is non-existent in our relationship.

I'll be honest that I've been having a very difficult time letting go of past hurts, especially with recurring ones. I feel like all we do is talk... or really, all I do is talk... and nothing happens to resolve things. I also feel like Yubo isn't really meeting me to make any resolutions. I know that I can only do so much on my part, but since I don't feel like he's doing much on his I find myself wanting to control him -- to force him to sit down and solve this problem with me when he may need more time.

Of course, a rather big issue is my lack of trust in him. I feel like even if I try to give him the time he needs to think about something, I fear it'll actually slip his mind and that he really isn't thinking about the issue at all.

In this relationship, I have to deal with why I hate group projects. I guess that's kind of my view on life and relationships. They are an ongoing project. Unfortunately, I can't help but feel I have a slacker as a partner. And I'm not saying that's really true, but it sure does feel like it sometimes. Despite understanding that it's ok to be different, and that God made us to balance each other out, there are too many times where I forget that. Those are the times, like now, where I really start to wonder about how well we will work out.

Don't get me wrong. I love Yubo. I really do. I just can't get past these emotional hang ups. This is where I really need the Lord's help, and Yubo's help.

I felt like today's message in church was all for me. Pastor Wayne was talking about good and bad relationships. An acronym that he used for bad relationships was CURSE.... talking about curseful relationships.

Controlling
Unforgiving
Reactive
Shaming
Ego-centric... or something like that. Fancy word for "selfish," he said.

I know I can be controlling. Something I've been struggling with since it dawned on me how controlling I can be.

I'm still holding on to past hurts, like I said earlier. There are a lot of things that I haven't forgiven.

Reactive is kind of like eye for an eye. He has to love me first before I can love him. If he hurts me, I hurt him back. I've talked to Yubo about this when we were studying Love Languages and love tanks. Considering love tanks, I'm usually running low or empty because he doesn't love me in my primary language enough.

Shaming is another way to control. I've been told (by J and Yubo) that I am really good at making people feel bad.

And I do find that I can be awfully selfish, as if the problems in our relationship are only affecting me. I honestly do feel like that sometimes, especially when he shuts down. I get the impression that he just doesn't want to deal with me, rather than he might be hurting also.

So I can recognize all these things. I'm really good at pointing out problems. Overcoming them is a whole other thing because he needs to be beside me in all of this, and I feel a little abandoned when it comes to problem-solving. It's just that we're so different when it comes to conflict. He runs from it, and I'm chasing after him with demands to solve it.

I pray we can come to a happy medium more often in our relationship than not. I pray we can get over ourselves and keep Christ at the center, and step up to the roles that God has laid out for us.

I don't know if his version is going to come for this. I gave him until tomorrow night to write his first entry before this blog gets left alone. I figure if you guys still want to get only my side of things, visit my dj once in a while.

Church hunt. Flourist. Sister's help.

We booked our flight to Cali to go look for a church. I have a break between quarters, so we'll be there from June 17-22. Yubo's gonna take the time off, so hopefully we'll be able to secure a church that week. I'm still rooting for that church that's 6 minutes or so from my parents' house. Hopefully it's a nice one.

Turns out my mom was already thinking to have our flowers done by her best friend. So I'm gonna have to talk with her about what flowers we actually want to use and how much it'll cost. She was also talking about raffling off the flowers at the end of the night so we're not stuck with them.

My sister is going to be the person that tells people where to sit. So I need to work with her on the guest list and seating chart. She's also going to help me figure out music and entertainment for the night. She has connections with some DJs (probably from back when she wanted to be one herself), and I think we want to try to round up some A/S alumni to sing a bit. Thought that'd be really neat since A/S played such a huge part in my life. I'll talk it over with Yubo to see what he thinks of that. It'd be really awesome to have the first part of the night to be like a show, especially since we both have performance backgrounds.

My sister also assures me that she will never let my parents hire a Cambodian band. *whew* I wouldn't mind having a few Cambodian songs to dance to, but not a Cambodian band that has a female singer wearing a cowboy hat trying to sing "Kryptonite" -- I say that because it really happened. It was a painful night.

So as it stands now, I hope the guests will be able to enjoy a night of good live music along with some good DJing. I think this way we might be able to capture a good fusion of our cultures and backgrounds.

I suppose my sister is my liaison for these matters. I'm not sure if my parents fully understand what we'd like to do as far as combining stuff. For a moment, my dad didn't think they needed to be at the church wedding, and told Yubo's parents that they didn't need to be at the Chinese one. I really hope we can clear things up the week we visit.

First dance song. Idea for wedding favors.

Right now we're in search of a song for our first dance. We've asked some friends to write songs for us because we're not impressed by the selection already out there. (BTW, if you would like to write a song for us, please let us know. It would really mean a whole lot to us.) Anyway, we were considering whether we should have the author sing it or if we should sing it ourselves (whatever song we choose). Since we've asked a few people, we thought it'd be really nice to make a CD of the songs written for us (assuming we receive a decent number of songs to warrant a CD).

Aside from pillow mints, we're not sure if we're going to do wedding favors. (Unless there's some significance to those rather fragrant fake flowers that guests receive at the door of the reception, I'm thinking I'd rather not pass out something so tacky.) Reading up on American wedding traditions, wedding favors often end up a waste of money.

But considering the music CD and the wedding favors, that lead to me thinking that it would be really neat if we took our favorite love songs and recorded our own versions of them. Put them on a CD and give them as wedding favors.

Now, the downside to that idea is that I'm not confident in my singing voice still. Also, by giving people this CD of us singing these covers, I don't want it to come off as.... I can't think of the word for it, but I think you know what I'm getting at. Especially because the music would really only be so special to us.

Any comments/suggestions/advice would be very much welcomed.

t3h planning. it b3ginz.

Now that we're just about caught up, I don't think there will be many versions anymore. So now we (read I) will be posting as things happen. Yubo says he'll blog on Monday. Now, he didn't say which Monday, so don't get your hopes up. Hopefully it happen soon. I want to read his version of things too. ^_^

A long while ago, I started an Excel sheet for our guest list to give us a central place where we could add people as we thought of them. He barely got to his side of the list a few weeks ago because my dad needed some numbers to make sure the restaurant he was thinking of would work for us.

Until just recently, we were waiting on my dad to find an auspicious date for our wedding. Since the new Chinese calendar hasn't come out yet, my mom told us to just pick a day. It wouldn't matter since we don't believe in lucky days anyhow, so we should find something that worked best for us.

The earliest we could get married is in March, but I didn't want our wedding anniversary and my birthday in the same month. So April, since we want it to happen asap. Easter next year will be April 4, so Pastor Wayne requested for after Easter. That left the 10th, 17th, and 24th. Yubo and I both don't like the 17th for some reason, and the 24th felt too late. So April 10, 2010 is our decided date (here's your electronic save-the-date, readers).

Now, don't jump for joy yet. My dad still needs to confirm reservations for the restaurant. I have a break between quarters which I'll spend down in Cali looking at churches. Once we find a church, we need to make sure they'll allow Pastor Wayne to marry us in their church. (A lot of churches won't allow outside pastors to perform weddings in their sanctuaries. Some will allow it after they check out the pastor.) One of the churches we're considering Pastor Wayne told us about. If we like it (which I hope we do because it's only 6 minutes away from my parents' house and about 12 or so minutes from the restaurant), I think it'll give us a better chance of getting Pastor Wayne in there to marry us.

Our friend Edith from church does flowers. We're still trying to figure out if we want to fly her down to do our flowers for us, or how that's going to work. I have the feeling that my wanting fake flowers isn't really gonna fly, so I need a backup with someone to do real flowers. LoL. Trying to figure out this whole inexpensive but still elegant balance to things.

So right now it's just a lot of waiting. I'm sure it's going to snowball into some huge ridiculous stressful mess. I'm gonna try my darnedest to avoid that as much as possible. The Chinese ceremony should be ok. I think my parents are handling most of that, and it's pretty laid back anyway. I'm concerned about the church stuff, and how we're going to combine our cultures into the reception.

Yubo's already being indecisive about things. I had an idea for our save-the-date cards. He really liked it, despite how crude my sample was, but he wanted to look for something else still. Problem is that he doesn't even have the slightest idea of what he wants to look for. ::sigh:: My fiancé. My dear wants-to-be-involved-but-refuses-to-make-anything-close-to-a-decision fiancé.

Because we're so opposite in our personality types, he doesn't understand why I want to preplan as much as possible to make things go more smoothly towards the end. He thinks, "We have a year. That's PLENTY of time," loveable procrastinator that he is.

I know there's a lot to learn about this planning stuff. Still need to decide if I'm going to try to buy my white gown or rent it. Need to figure out a budget for things. Figure out who's paying for what. Blah blah blah.

Royce and MyLe Yuen from church had a Chinese + Christian wedding like we're going to have. I think it'd be really good for us to talk with them and see how things were like for them. I think they're super busy though. They just had a baby. But hopefully there will be some time to talk with them.

Anyway, so that's where we're at now. I begin my diet plan on Monday. We'll see how this all goes.