Passing fancies.

I'm having a bit of an issue with how little Yubo is contributing to this blog. On top of that, we decided to try out this WeddingTracker website, but he would rather watch CSI episodes and the first Matrix movie than help me design and fill out this website.

He understands that I can't help but see this blog and website as more tangible proof of how much he cares about us and our relationship and the wedding and blah blah blah. However, he can't seem to keep himself from being too tired to do things with me, which in turn makes me insecure about how invested he really is.

I know. That's a whole lot of typical cliché crap. And I hate that I feel that way, but I can't ignore that I do.

He's aware of all this; I know he is. But it seems like there's something in him that just makes him refuse to do anything about it. I find myself becoming a nag, and I don't want that because I know that will make him not want to do something more. (I sure hope that sentence makes sense.)

I think I mentioned this before that he's always so full of ideas and inspiration. He's the dreamer in the relationship. But because of that, he never really sees anything through. Another idea will distract him from the first. I just want to figure out a way to help keep him motivated enough to actually stick to and complete a project.

He told me once that it's so difficult for him to bounce ideas off me. Rarely do I take the time to indulge in an idea if I don't think it'll come to fruition. The only things like that that I return to are really dumb "brilliant invention" jokes, like a salt shaker at the front of a car to help deice the road. Otherwise, I find it a waste of time to let my imagination run wild. I like being creative within boundaries and limitations. I like knowing how far I can go because it helps me focus.

Yubo despises boundaries and limitations. He likes to think of all possibilities, and then narrow it down. So when he starts going off on an idea with me, I try to figure out the details to see if it will really work. Oftentimes, I end up bursting his bubble. He gets so excited about things, and so he's come to fear that talking to me will make him realize that the thing he's so excited about won't work. He likes to keep himself in that dreaming state for as long as possible before I grab his leg and slam him down into reality. It makes me feel horrible. I don't like doing that to him. This is yet another area where we really need to learn how to compromise and work to balance each other.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is he went along with these ideas of the blog and the website. He seemed excited about it, but won't commit to really making it reality. So of course I take it that 10million steps further in my mind and think that he's super excited at the idea of us getting married... so what happens when the day arrives for it to become reality?

He doesn't do much to calm these insecurities of mine. I understand the fear of failure that most men experience. I have that same fear almost at the level of men. It's not like I'm trying to set him up to expose any inadequacies, but I need to see him trying. And I try to reassure him that I don't really expect him to get it right the first time.... but just because there may be some mistakes in the first couple of tries, I want him to keep trying. Sometimes he gives up too easily, and I guess I'm scared that one of these days he'll give up on me... and on us. He says he'd fight for me, but I have yet to believe him.

I need to know that I'm real to him, and that our relationship and our upcoming marriage isn't just a good idea in his head. When I talk to him about stuff like this, it seems to paralyze him. He doesn't know what to think or do. It almost makes me feel bad about wanting to marry him. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking his life away, that he'd be so much better off and happier as a real bachelor. He's never had that... living single in his own bachelor pad, having the guys over for a couple beers to watch a fight or sports or play video games, a place all to himself where he can relax and do whatever he wants. It makes me think that maybe I should move out for real until the wedding. Then it's my own fear that keeps me here at home.

::sigh:: What a mess we are.

Sorry for what I think was a great big tangent. I don't think that was what I was originally planning to write about. =P