Conflict Management.

Mochi's version.
From where I stand, conflict management is non-existent in our relationship.

I'll be honest that I've been having a very difficult time letting go of past hurts, especially with recurring ones. I feel like all we do is talk... or really, all I do is talk... and nothing happens to resolve things. I also feel like Yubo isn't really meeting me to make any resolutions. I know that I can only do so much on my part, but since I don't feel like he's doing much on his I find myself wanting to control him -- to force him to sit down and solve this problem with me when he may need more time.

Of course, a rather big issue is my lack of trust in him. I feel like even if I try to give him the time he needs to think about something, I fear it'll actually slip his mind and that he really isn't thinking about the issue at all.

In this relationship, I have to deal with why I hate group projects. I guess that's kind of my view on life and relationships. They are an ongoing project. Unfortunately, I can't help but feel I have a slacker as a partner. And I'm not saying that's really true, but it sure does feel like it sometimes. Despite understanding that it's ok to be different, and that God made us to balance each other out, there are too many times where I forget that. Those are the times, like now, where I really start to wonder about how well we will work out.

Don't get me wrong. I love Yubo. I really do. I just can't get past these emotional hang ups. This is where I really need the Lord's help, and Yubo's help.

I felt like today's message in church was all for me. Pastor Wayne was talking about good and bad relationships. An acronym that he used for bad relationships was CURSE.... talking about curseful relationships.

Controlling
Unforgiving
Reactive
Shaming
Ego-centric... or something like that. Fancy word for "selfish," he said.

I know I can be controlling. Something I've been struggling with since it dawned on me how controlling I can be.

I'm still holding on to past hurts, like I said earlier. There are a lot of things that I haven't forgiven.

Reactive is kind of like eye for an eye. He has to love me first before I can love him. If he hurts me, I hurt him back. I've talked to Yubo about this when we were studying Love Languages and love tanks. Considering love tanks, I'm usually running low or empty because he doesn't love me in my primary language enough.

Shaming is another way to control. I've been told (by J and Yubo) that I am really good at making people feel bad.

And I do find that I can be awfully selfish, as if the problems in our relationship are only affecting me. I honestly do feel like that sometimes, especially when he shuts down. I get the impression that he just doesn't want to deal with me, rather than he might be hurting also.

So I can recognize all these things. I'm really good at pointing out problems. Overcoming them is a whole other thing because he needs to be beside me in all of this, and I feel a little abandoned when it comes to problem-solving. It's just that we're so different when it comes to conflict. He runs from it, and I'm chasing after him with demands to solve it.

I pray we can come to a happy medium more often in our relationship than not. I pray we can get over ourselves and keep Christ at the center, and step up to the roles that God has laid out for us.

I don't know if his version is going to come for this. I gave him until tomorrow night to write his first entry before this blog gets left alone. I figure if you guys still want to get only my side of things, visit my dj once in a while.