Show me how to love like you have loved me.

There are times when I fight how lucky I am to have someone like Yubo love me as much as he does. I fight it because I don't deserve it, even though it's not up to me to decide who he loves. Too many times do I think he'd be so much better of with someone else instead of just accepting him as the gift he is.

Briefly, I got myself into quite a mess. Because I haven't been treating my business like a business, I've become quite in debt and have missed some payments. I've never been so ashamed. Why does this shame me more than, say, how many guys I've slept with? Because this is the final proof of how much I've let myself go.

But Yubo doesn't love me any less for such a mistake. He might be quite disappointed in me, but bless his heart for not really showing it. I think I'd die if he did. He kept reassuring me that it was ok, that we can handle it, that everyone makes mistakes... that he forgives me and still loves me.

I feel horrible for dragging him into my mess to help me get out, but I know I can't do it alone. I'm bothered that my problem becomes our problem. I wish I could disappear so he wouldn't have to deal with such a burden.

I told him a few nights ago that I felt a wall being built between us. He was surprised by that. I said maybe it's just me... because it's probably me that's building the wall. I push him away because I get so disgusted with myself. Why would he want to dirty himself and stay with me? Then I think... why did God come and die for us sinners before we even knew Him? The hardest thing for me is to love myself the way God and Yubo love me. I struggle to let this part of me go. I almost enjoy wallowing in my pain. It's proof to me that I'm worthless. But I know that's the enemy talking. As a horrible analogy (simile? metaphor?), I've kept myself in the dark for so long that I'm still adjusting to the light. It's like how I keep wanting sun during winter, and when it finally comes I complain that it's too bright and too hot. =P

But I'm working on it, and thank God that I have Yubo here by my side. We have to make some mistakes in order to learn from them. So Yubo's going to help me figure up a plan on how to get these payments made and get me back in good standing with my credit. I need to figure out how to reduce my inventory (probably a 50% sale) and get to something more manageable.

::sigh:: We'll get through this.