Overthinking things?

It's not that the "Favorite Things" didn't last very long. It's just that I haven't really blogged about anything in a while. Although, to be quite honest, it would be very difficult for me right now to think of another favorite thing to write about. It's not because I ran out of favorite things; it's because I'm currently blogging because I'm irritated.

Once again, I wonder if the issues we have are all in my head.

Once again, I feel like I'm just another pet to be fed and ignored. (Some people might actually agree with this, that I'm just another pet....)



He's been depressed. Frustrations with work have finally pushed him over. And with his receiving his XBox Gold Live account (by my stupid recommendation) and the various games that were released in time for the holidays, he's been even more deeply engrossed in gaming than ever before. It certainly doesn't help that he has friends that are actually staying up well past midnight to play online with him. And friends aside, online games have always kept him up much longer.

So of course, my issues with his gaming have reached an all-time high. He's been playing Battlefield 3, which in conjunction with his depression and frustrations from work, turned him into this rude, loud, cursing, obnoxious thing on the couch. He thankfully toned it down after receiving a very long text message from me, but those things still come up from time to time, flaring my irritation.

Along with this, he hasn't been sleeping much. For the past couple of weeks, I'd say, he hasn't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep on a week night. He'll insist on playing until 2-3am, step outside for 15 minutes for fresh air, come back in to pick at his face in the bathroom mirror for another 15 minutes before finally retiring to bed. He then sleeps for 2 hours, until his first of three alarms blares at 5:30am, at which point he's woken up repeatedly by me begging him to turn his alarm off. This happens at least three times between 5:30am and 6:00am. After I'm finally able to nag him out of bed at his own request, I continue to sleep until after noon because I'm so tired from all the interruptions to my own sleep.

So this sleep thing is really what I'm irritated about, with many other factors contributing to it.

On the one hand, I really am concerned for his health and overall well-being. And on the other hand, I'm greatly concerned for my own health and overall well-being. My upset comes from thinking that he does not share that concern for himself, much less for me. Or perhaps more importantly that he doesn't seem to care about my well-being. He'd be willing enough to pay to send me to doctors, but won't make any small changes in the house for me.



He went to bed at around 2:30 or so this morning, telling me he had to be up at 5:30. So I asked him, "Are you actually ok with just getting 3 hours of sleep every night?" He told me he was. And I told him if that's the truth, then we will have to figure out a way to sleep in separate rooms. (And he will just have to find a way to wake himself up.)

He also told me that no matter how much sleep he got, 3 hours or 8 or 10 hours, that he always had a problem waking up. Well, if you think about the concept of sleep debt, then that makes sense. Over his lifetime, he's acquired such an excessive amount of sleep debt that he's still "paying it off" as he continues to add to it. Yet this is something I think he doesn't believe.

He'll say things like, "Sleep is overrated," and, "I'll sleep when I'm dead." But will choose to sleep in if he's not "needed" at church or there's nothing important we had scheduled for the weekend. He's more than willing to spend an entire weekend mostly sleeping; he'll sleep when he's not gaming or working. And sometimes he'll sleep while he's "working" -- another thing that greatly irritates me, and I call him on it whenever I can.

Anyway, he tries to make it like his sleep isn't a problem. But I feel like it's glaringly obvious that it is. And that he's still just trying too hard to live like a carefree teenager. Quarter-life crisis?



It's just past 4:30am right now. When I'm so concerned about my own sleep, why am I still up? Because the knowledge that, just a short 3 hours after that light went out, I'd be fighting him to turn off his darned alarms, made me decide to get out of bed and wait rather than have my sleep interrupted. I'll be able to get hopefully more uninterrupted sleep in an hour after he leaves for work...... assuming the cats don't choose that time to go crazy...... which they probably will.

I feel like all would be solved if I could just figure out how to sleep on my own. To be able to drown out Yubo's gaming.... even to forget his and the cats' existences for a beautiful and peaceful 8 hours. So I feel like it's all my fault. My failing because I can't sleep on my own. Because I can't do anything to help him feel better.

I'm upset, feeling that he doesn't come home to me. He comes home to BF3 and Kent and AJ and Albert and Mushi and whoever else is online to play with him. He comes home to his side of the recliner couch and Mountain Dew.

I feel like I'm such a failure as a wife because there is nothing in me that my husband can enjoy after a long and difficult day. All I do is bring him more suffering. So I should be thankful that he has his friends that he can connect with online, and this game that he can use to take out his frustrations. At least he'd rather shoot random characters in a game than fight with me, right?




I'm really having a tough time. I wrote on FB, "My selfishness is disguised as concern for him. Rather than demand that he reassess his life and priorities, I better reassess mine."

Is it really my fault that I feel so cut off from him? Is it really his fault that I'm not getting sleep?

It shouldn't be about who's at fault, but it doesn't look like either of us is very willing to take responsibility for the pain we're causing each other. And fault aside, it doesn't look like we'll be working together any time soon to take action to resolve these things between us.

When we're both in a hole, how can we help each other get out?

Hidden in plain sight.

(2/27/12) Yikes! I had completely forgotten about this entry. I'll still post it, because I still think it's funny.

---

I tease Yubo a lot about how he can't find things if they are underneath something else. Apparently, this problem is pretty common in men. If they do a preliminary sweep and can't quickly find what they are looking for, they easily give up and say they can't find it.

After church today, we swung by Best Buy and got three new video games -- two for him, one for me. We got home after lunch, and he had to head off to some emergency calls. As I went about my evening, I eventually had the games in their bag on the coffee table underneath a plate I was using for dinner.

The reason I write this explanation is to lead up to this exchange that we just had.

Y: after a quick visual sweep Where are the games?

M: ......I don't know.

Y: .......Oh! There they are. after finally noticing them underneath the paper plate right next to me.

M: I was hoping you wouldn't find them because they were underneath something.

Y: .....

My Favorite Things: Openness

Unlike me, Yubo is very open to new things. He's always willing to humor me, or just laugh at me, when I get in the mood to think up crazy inventions. I feel bad that I don't always do the same for him. Or he's open to new ideas concerning topics he already had an established stand on, or topics he's never cared before to think about.

He's got a great imagination, and I really need to learn how to encourage and nurture that rather than constantly bursting bubbles and dragging him back to Earth. If he'll let me come up with ridiculous inventions, I should let him entertain crazy business ideas. :P

Although there are many things that he doesn't really think of on his own, he's open to start thinking about things that I might bring up. I think it's really cool that he does that, but also tend to wonder how he hadn't already thought about certain topics. Please excuse the extreme vagueness, but I can't think of specifics at the moment.

Similar to how we can talk about anything (and that will probably be my next post), I'm rarely afraid to bring up something new to him. And if I am afraid, that's just from my own embarrassment because he quickly puts me at ease, letting me know that I can say anything and he won't judge me for it. Seeing this in him makes me want to strive to be the same for him. It's one of the many things that he balances me in, but I'm drawn to be the same.

My Favorite Things: Resilience

Dunno if I can really call this a favorite thing. It's more like something worth mentioning.

When I talk about his resilience, I'm really talking about his immune system.

A long while ago, I was watching a show on Discovery or something called The Science of Sex Appeal. Somewhere in there, I'm pretty sure it talked about how through scent, we are attracted to those that have what we lack. Or something like that. I dunno; Yubo can tell you that I'm horrible at repeating information.

Anyway, if that's true, then it makes perfect sense that Yubo has the strongest immune system in the world. And the reason I might put this on my list of favorite things about him is that it makes me not really *need* to worry about him (although that doesn't change the fact that I do indeed worry about him).

Aside from the fact that he rarely gets sick, here's the main story why I even bring this up. The exchange went like this:

D: I was going to make you a sandwich, but I'm not feeling to great now so I dunno if you wanna just make it yourself. I left the slices of bread out for you.

Y: Boo. Ok.

And he made his own sandwich. I noticed it had cheese on it, but didn't think too much about it because I couldn't remember if we got a new package of cheese or not. When I went into the kitchen, I noticed a wrapper of Kraft Singles.

D: Honey, did you use the Kraft Singles cheese on your sandwich???

Y: Yeah. Why?

D: It expired back in April.......

Y: Oh.

With no further comment. And I let it go for a while. Then a thought hit me. We had two packages of roast beef in the fridge: one that had been opened from a long time ago, and one that was brand new.

D: Oh my god, honey, you didn't use the roast beef in the bag, did you??

Y: No, I didn't.

D: *whew* Ok, good.

But when I went to the fridge later, I saw that the roast beef package that had been opened from long ago that was in a zip lock bag had been moved from the deli drawer to the second shelf. And the brand new package of roast beef that remained in the deli drawer was still brand new and unopened. The old roast beef had expired back in June.

I was horrified! 50% of the sandwich he made for himself was expired food. And after bringing that to his attention, he nonchalantly and jokingly noted that might be why his tummy was acting up a bit.

But he didn't get horribly sick. And I scolded him for not checking things in the fridge when he should know by now that you can't really trust anything in our fridge because of how infrequently we use things. I told him I was concerned at his lack of attention, and that accepting expired medication is very different than expired food stuff.

Despite all my fretting and worrying, though, he's perfectly fine. He's gotten into really yucky things, and probably put a number of really yucky things in his body, and that's built him up to be this amazingly super healthy guy.

I do remind him that he's only getting older, and he can't treat his body like he used to back in college. He still likes to boast about his superior lung capacity or whatever back when he was smoking in college, but he hasn't had a recent physical or similar testing. I'd really like for him to go to the doctor for a complete check up, just to be sure that everything is ok. I mean, he's going to be 30 this year, so I think he's due for it.

My Favorite Things: Playfulness

Sometimes when I think of how others might see us from the outside, I imagine they see a very dumb, dorky couple. This is because the majority of our interaction, in public or not, consists of weird noises, weird voices, weird faces, weird topics of conversation, and physically irritating each other.

It's mostly me doing these things to him. And maybe I should actually rename this entry "Tolerance," because that's what I love about him. He tolerates me. Unfortunately, I don't practice as much in return.

But when I'm in the mood to be a kid, he jumps right in to be dumb right along with me. Ah... I really should equate being a kid with being dumb. That's just rude. But you know what I mean. :P

My Favorite Things: Full Support

Just like how I had "The struggles we've overcome" mini series, I wanted to do this one for a while. Some entries will probably echo what I've said in the past, like how I'll probably write again about how we can talk about anything, but I wanted to keep everything in an easy to find series.

I also feel that this is a good reminder at a year and 4 months. So I think I will try to do this weekly (daily is too ambitious), even if I happen to be upset about anything.

Here we go. The first of my favorite things about Yubo: his full support.

At the moment it's really easy to talk about how supportive he is of me. With my quitting my job a month early, to the surgery, to going back to school, Yubo has been >99% supportive all the time. I say that because he was a bit reluctant at my quitting early.

He works so hard to provide with a good life. More specifically, to provide me with a good life. Unfortunately, my gratitude, though bountiful, isn't always outwardly shown. I really need to change that. But I guess I'm afraid of thanking him so much that it loses its meaning. But that doesn't mean that I don't thank him when I'm thankful. I just don't say it outright when there isn't anything immediate to say it for.

Anyway, his heart for me is humbling. He always wants what's best for me, and he always wants me happy. He lets me make mistakes to learn from, but he's also there by my side to pick me up from them. I really could say he's like a father, but that'd be really gross to think of him like that. But it does show that he would be an excellent father, if we ever choose to have kids.

August quickie.

Just a quick update.

I had my last day of work last Friday. I felt the need to have the entire month to prepare myself and the house for school. Also, I didn't want to have to figure out how to take more time off work for my surgery.

Work has been picking up for Yubo a bit, and he's been gracious enough to allow me this time off instead of sticking to my original plan of leaving my job in September with just two weeks of down time.

We're both actually very excited for my surgery. I already have little boosts of confidence at the thought of having all this excess weight gone.

And although I'm scared, I am looking forward to knocking out my final two quarters of school. I just want to be done with it already.

Nothing big has happened within our relationship. It's been the same ups and downs. For the most part, I think we've gotten used to handling them. Honestly, I don't want this to be our norm, but I wonder if that's just the way it is.

I'd really like to start attending those Weekend to Remember things. They sound fun and enlightening. It's also inspiring to hear stories of how the seminars have saved marriages. Of course, we don't need saving, but I think we could definitely use some improvement. ^_~

Visits back down to Cali are up in the air. Wondering if my sister still wants me to go down to take care of the store for her so she can have a break.

Chiyo and Tifa are still fighting, but closing off the bedroom seems to have curbed that A LOT. Also, since we closed off the bedroom, Chiyo hasn't been peeing on the tiles out of fear from Ellie. And closing off the bedroom has led to all three of them simply wanting more attention from us and mostly ignoring each other; thus, the decrease in fighting. Feels like we're getting closer to a happy home.

Still alive. Quick update on our short-term plans.

Almost three months since that last angsty post. Well, we got over that, and we're doing ok.

I recently went through an extremely difficult situation with my dad. Very long story short, I overcame that with A LOT of prayer from friends and support from Yubo. I felt really bad because Yubo felt so helpless. I told him I just needed him to continue praying for me and my family. Answered prayers all around.

So here's briefly where we're at now:

Work for Yubo continues to go downhill. He's starting to not enjoy his work anymore -- all the politics and what not within the company are starting to get to him. The plan is to get him down to Cali soon so he can take his test for his license. Still don't know when that will happen though as he's waiting to see what his best friend wants to do. They were planning to go take the test together. So that's still kind of up in the air.

Work for me has been increasingly irritating. I really like the majority of my customers, and they seem to like me too. But it's been difficult to deal with the change in managers and policies. Well, not really a change in policies. It's more that the new manager is trying to move us from the lax way of doing things we've been in to where we should have been in the first place. I am all for that, if only he would go about it in a more respectful way. It's sad that it seems not a single person likes this new manager, and despite not caring much for the old one, people miss him. I don't like this new manager because he talks to me like I'm an ignorant child, and if I ask him something that I think he should know but he doesn't, he simply brushes me off with authoritative arrogance.

Thankfully, I will only be there for another two months before I begin the attack on my final two quarters of school.

My decision to finally go back to school seriously is one of the things that has repaired a bit of my relationship with my dad. I'm trying very hard to not make it a "just to get him off my back" kind of thing. I really do want to finish school and at least get some sort of degree, even if it will just be an associate's. But depending on how things go, Yubo and I may actually go back down to Cali to take over the Northridge store and let my parents relax.

I'm still on the fence about the thought of moving back down. I really hate myself when I'm there.... but I need to grow up and be secure that it's not the place that makes me. Just being in Cali doesn't mean I have to revert back to the simple and sheltered child I was. I've grown a lot being here in WA. Who says I can't bring that with me no matter where I end up living, right?

Really, the biggest thing that would make me give up on just staying up here is Yubo's strong desire to be closer to his family. But our circular thinking holds us at a standstill. He wants me happy, and I want him happy. Geographically speaking, I'm happy up here, and he would be happier down there.

But I think we're just going to do things one step at a time. First thing to focus on is finishing school for me and getting his license for him. After that, we'll see where we want to go from there.

Sometimes it IS what you say.

The morning already didn't start off well. There were two things that needed to be done today: I needed to pick up a my bridesmaid dress up in Lynnwood, and Yubo needed to go back to Value Village to make an exchange. I woke Yubo up earlier than he wanted to, trying to get him to come up to Lynnwood with me. As usual, even though I really didn't need him to come with me, I just wanted his company. Well, he didn't care to give me his company, and the tension rose.

He eventually got out of bed, checking his radio because it had been beeping. Without a word, he threw on some pants, grabbed his keys and went outside. It took him a long time to come back in, so I finally decided to get out of bed myself. When I looked out the window to see what the weather was like, I saw that his truck was gone.

......I really hate when he leaves without saying anything to me.

So I thought I would rush to get myself ready and leave before he got home. Forget having him come run errands with me if he doesn't have the decency to let his wife know he's going somewhere. If he tried calling to find out where I was, I wouldn't answer the phone. He doesn't care to let me know where he is; why should I let him know where I am?

I was too slow, and he got home just as I finished brushing my teeth. Turned out they were paging him to recalibrate his gps, and so he had to drive around in circles. But still, he knew that before getting out of bed and didn't say anything, not thinking that his going outside first thing in the morning is one of my paranoia triggers. Even worse when he drives off.

"Oh, you're back," I said, flatly.

"Yup," he replied, unaffected.

Soon, he was on the phone with P.Nancy, discussing a reading he's going to do tomorrow after her message. He was dressed, ready to go wherever he was going to go. I waited for him to finish his call so I could ask him what the plans were for the day -- if we were going to run our errands separately. But his call didn't finish, and I was very hungry. I whispered to him, asking if he was actually coming with me. He nodded, and I offered to drive so he could continue to talk. He ignored my irritation, as he's become so good at doing over the years.

Things got better during the drive and as we settled on where to eat. We picked up my dress, then found a Value Village nearby so we wouldn't have to drive all the way back down to the one we knew in Kirkland. The mood started going sour again the longer we stayed there -- our opinions weren't matching up as far as costuming ideas for his character. Well, they sort of matched up, but after we found some suitable options, Yubo started getting fanciful and I was bursting his bubbles.

Our conversation during the drive home was about business options. My dad is still pretty set on having us take over one of the dollar stores because he wants to go off and do another thing... importing or something. Although I really don't want to be in that kind of business, Yubo was voicing how he wouldn't mind it. However, he wasn't so great at actually pointing out any benefits aside from less work for about the same amount of income. He talked about how something like that is already established and would be easy to train to take over, and he wouldn't have to work as hard or as long as he does now. He'd have more free time, he said. Well, more free time for what?

I've become cynical towards Yubo having more free time. Yes, he would have more free time, but it would be more free time to not spend with me. I know. I'm selfish and inconsiderate, but it does hurt me that with what little free time he has now, I'm nearly starving for his attention. His free time now is spent winding down from the work day or week. Any extra free time he gains is usually filled with something to do for church or other favors for friends, and then he's too tired to do anything with me. So I'm convinced that if he gained any more free time, he would simply add that to his alone time rather than put any more time towards us. And he hasn't convinced me otherwise.

We made it home, and conversation continued. He was still trying to explain to me how taking over the store might be a good idea. But somewhere near the end of his explanation of how we might just get stuck in this rut of him working so hard or even harder, he said, "...for as long as we're together."

Not, "for as long as we live," or, "until we both retire," which give a better indication of the lengthiness of our commitment to each other. "...for as long as we're together." Ugh! The subtext of those words! It seemed like there was a termination date to our relationship that might happen before we die. He didn't say it in any ominous way, or in any tone that showed any displeasure with me or us. Just that choice of words...

"That's a strange way to say it," I managed to say. And he continued to try to explain.

"I don't think you understand how I took that." I was fighting tears. What a dumb thing to cry about. Why was I taking it so hard?

He mumbled that he kind of understood how I might have heard it. As my first few tears fell, he walked out of the room. I heard him put the keys away, and then he went into the bathroom. I had my hands pressed against my eyes when he finally came back into the room. He asked if I was ok, and I didn't know how to answer. A moment passed, and he asked again.

"I'm just trying to convince myself that that wasn't some sort of Freudian slip."

"Well, it wasn't." He voice was defensive, almost angry. And he simply walked away again.

He didn't respond when I noted his anger aloud. When I went into the bathroom, he grabbed the keys again and drove off somewhere.

It was such a build up. The tension at the start of the day. The irritation with each other regarding our errands. My concern for my sister after my mom told me she and her partner of 7 years might split up. Feeling like Yubo was siding with my dad, trying to put me in a place I didn't want to be. And then those words.

We haven't resolved anything yet. I buried myself in a project, and he started playing his video game (a bit loudly). He was kind enough to pick up some dinner when I asked, but I stayed here in the office to eat. Didn't even look at him when he brought the food in.

It's easy to say that we're both probably overreacting to the situation. But this really does go deeper. It's my darn insecurity, and how I keep looking to him for reassurance, and how he rarely reassures me. I think my level of insecurity makes him doubt us. I might ask him that, actually. But I recognize how much of an insult to him my insecurity is. It indicates that he's not doing enough, that he's not good enough, and never will be because I remain insecure.

I really wish we could afford counseling. We try to talk on our own, but we don't get anywhere. We go around in circles, bringing up the same unresolved issues with no progress made towards any solutions.

Cat's out of the bag... or rather, the cage.

A few days ago, we decided to stop putting Chiyo in her cage at night. The decision seems to have worked out well. All three cats are still alive, and there are no noticeable battle wounds aside from random tufts of Chiyo's fur that Tifa has always been good at snagging. And those are sparse enough occurences to not be alarmed or concerned.

Hissing and the occasional yowl still happen, but not as frequently. Tifa still doesn't know how to back off, despite her earlier injury. However, Chiyo is now chasing back instead of simply cowering and hissing and yowling from her scrunch up position in a corner.

So it's very encouraging to us that one of these days, everyone will be able to get along peacefully.

One funny thing that has come out of this is Chiyo has learned to close the bathroom door to avoid Ellie and Tifa. Unfortunately, she has yet to learn how to open the door to let herself out.

I was out to Karen's for a few hours and came home to find the bathroom door closed.

To avoid that, we try to remember to close the door. She loses a hiding/play area, but she won't get trapped while we're not home.

Most likely due to Chiyo's newfound freedom, Tifa has grown in her angst and neediness. I try my best to give her more attention and affection, but there are times when that simply isn't enough for her. Unfortunately, our sofa has gotten the brunt of her angst, and I have contacted someone to get an estimate to get rid of her urine.

With these three, I feel I won't want a child until all three pass, or until by some miracle I feel comfortable enough to have a child with an overly-needy cat and a cat that scratches and bites (Ellie saves us from insanity, I think). Considering that they're only about 4 or 5 now, I wonder if children will ever come back into the picture. Well, we'll see.

Dirty Mouth.

Yes, we swap spit and share other bodily fluids, but there are some things that I simply do not want to share.

Like my toothbrush.

There have been times when Yubo would mistakenly use my toothbrush, despite having a perfectly good one of his own. Yes, honey. Yours is the blue one, your favorite color, not the pink or green one. So when I find that he has used my toothbrush instead of his own, I get immensely grossed out, and have to get myself a new one.

I'm the same about our water pik and Sonicare toothbrushes. Mine is the green one. His is the blue one. If I happen to have left my green one on, he'll simply use it instead of switching it out for his blue one. And then I have to rinse it in hot water and Listerine. Well, not the Sonicare brushes. Thankfully we have that UV cleaner thing.

On a side know, I'm sure you're wondering, If we have super cool Sonicare toothbrushes, why am I going off on regular toothbrushes? Because sometimes I just want to brush my teeth in a normal fashion, sans vibrations.

Anyhow, there's just something about morning germs that really turn me off, and for whatever reason, Yubo refuses to accomodate me on that. He would still want a morning kiss (before brushing) if I didn't fight him so hard about it. My own morning breath grosses me out, so you can imagine how disgusted I would be about someone else's. Yes, he's my husband. Yes, I love him no matter what. But loving him as close to unconditionally as I humanly can does not mean I have to lick up the bacteria that accumulated in his mouth overnight during his open-mouth snoring.

I know I'm not the only one that hates morning breath. Look at that scene from Pretty Woman.

Well then, that concludes my rant for the morning. Now I will add a new toothbrush to my shopping list for the week.

Mmm... Finances.

As with many couples out there, we have found ourselves in a tight financial situation. Perhaps one of our worst to date. I haven't scheduled our mortgage payment yet because I'm scared to see our bank account empty. Yubo says we should actually be ok for this month, but he's quite concerned about next month.

Despite plumbing being a seemingly recession-proof business, Yubo's job is hurting pretty bad. :(

My job hunt has been fruitless so far. I am quite hopeful for these last two positions I interviewed for, but I won't hear any news until the end of this week, perhaps. But I continue to apply to places. If nothing comes of this week, I will start applying to fast food places and other very entry-level positions. My fear is that even these places won't want me, though.

The upside to our situation is that I've finally been able to sit down with Yubo to discuss seriously financial matters. I listed out our monthly bills with their balances and monthly payments in an Excel sheet, and we figured out what we can cut if we really need to.... which unfortunately, wasn't much.

At this point, our next order of business is to cancel our television and land line. Then we're taking a more serious look at our eating habits.

Last night, I made a dinner plan for this coming week, and we were able to purchase what we needed to fulfill the plan for under $20. I'm hoping to be able to keep this up each week, and if we can stay under $20 for the week for dinners, that will help us save a lot. The other big thing, though, is how Yubo eats when he's working. At some point I will have to figure into the grocery shopping things to pack for him for snacks and lunch, and hopefully he will be content with that and not go off to fast food instead. I'm just concerned about food safety, so I'll have to find things that can be eaten cold or just don't have to be refrigerated or something. Too bad Yubo can't have peanut butter. :/

We're scared to get to a point to have to ask for help. Well, not that we're scared. There are just some things keeping us from wanting to. For myself, I don't really want to have to sit through, "If you just took your school seriously like I told you, and got your degree by now, you wouldn't be in this situation." Yubo also doesn't want me to have to endure that, especially since I tell him that if we went to my parents, the blame would be on me because they know just how hard he works. I'm probably just a lazy mooch to everyone in the world at this point. And Yubo, being the awesome son that he is, simply doesn't want to go to his parents because they've already given us so much, and I agree with that.

So we're just doing our best right now to cut down on monthly costs; I'm continuing to job hunt and try to be a better housewife; Yubo's working as hard as he can as usual. I'm thankful that we don't argue about what's going on. There's been some tension, but we both recognize the situation and are doing what we can to get through it together. That's probably what's really keeping me from curling up into a ball in the corner and crying every day. Yubo continues to love me and support us during this difficult time, and even though I am so unworthy of him, he still wants to be with me.

Kissing Report.

Well, we're about 1.5 weeks into the kissing challenge. I suppose it's not accurate to say it's a challenge, though.

There have been times when we forgot, but we were always happy to make up for it the next day.

It hasn't worked any miracles, but I do find myself more willing to make up with him after a misunderstanding or frustration, or simply to not hold onto any negative feelings as long as I used to. At the very least, I would have to let go of bad feelings before bed, as that's the latest we would share a kiss.

And yes, there have been upsets even though it's only been a bit over a week. :P

There are also times when I've thought, Ok, we've already had our kiss for today, before realizing that we didn't limit it to one kiss a day. It was at least one kiss per day, and then I'd feel a little bad for feeling that I wanted to limit it to just the single one.

I think we need to change it up a bit, though. It's become more of a "good night" kiss, which has mostly just been a peck rather than a good kiss. And the thing about it is he's been the one initiating the kiss right before sleeping. So I'm going to have to take the initiative more often if I think we need something earlier in the day. It's just been so difficult because he doesn't usually present himself in a way that I would want to kiss him.

He's either stinking of morning breath, or he's covered in who knows what when he comes home from work, or a fabulous combination of both. So do I ask him to make himself more kiss-friendly? Or do I get over my morning hygiene issues?

The thing about morning breath, though, is that I see it as being just as disgusting as cigarette breath. It's nothing I want to have to taste and endure just to have a kiss, and it certainly doesn't help me enjoy a kiss, which then makes a kiss more of a chore than anything else.

....ok. I think I've come to my conclusion. ^^;;

Kissing.

This might be TMI (too much information) for some of you, but if you're scared or put off by my honesty, you probably shouldn't be reading any blog written by me to begin with. :P Just saying.

I'll also put it out there that I'm still frustrated to feel like I don't have any Christian friends to go to about topics like intimacy. All the friends that I am comfortable talking to about sex (and when we talk about it, we really talk about it) aren't Christian.

Anyway...

It might already be pretty well known that Yubo and I don't kiss very often. It was the smoking that initially got me to stop wanting to get my face anywhere near his face, much less actually make any contact. In fact, I let his smoking steal away a lot of our intimacy. I stopped wanting to hug or hold him, or even hold his hand, and the distance at which I walked from him grew.

Back to the kissing though. At some point, aside from the smoking, I discovered that Yubo doesn't always get around to brushing his teeth in the morning. I can't stand my own morning breath, so that made locking lips with him even more disgusting to me.

Between the brushing and the smoking, it started to feel like he was doing it on purpose. I began to feel like he actually didn't want to kiss me. So I thought, Well, fine. I don't want to kiss you either.

Definitely not true. Especially during what I would call an intimacy drought. My hands literally ache to touch him, and my lips yearn for contact. And yet I let all sorts of things continue to get in the way of satisfying my desire for him. And our relationship suffers for that. Because I let things get in the way, or refuse his advances over stupid things, he feels rejected and unloved. Physical touch is one of his primary love languages, and I am ashamed that even when I actually want to speak it, I don't.

There are many mornings when I wake up alone in bed because Yubo's gone off to work already, and I can't help but fantasize about him (and this doesn't always include a sexual encounter, by the way). Often I will think back to when we were first dating, or make up scenarios of first meetings. The first thing that always happens in the fantasy is kissing -- the kind of kissing where it's all anticipation and passion and hearts fluttering, and you break from it breathless, feeling shy as you try to hide just how much you enjoyed it.

As I finished this morning's first date fantasy, I thought about why I fantasize about kissing so much but don't do much of it in real life. My curiosity led me to this article.

Of course, as I explained earlier, our kissing was minimized well before we got married. And I mourn the lost time, and deeply regret the damage I've done to us.

I just proposed to Yubo an experiment: that we have a good kiss at least once a day, with no option for refusal. The difficult part for me would be to receive a kiss before he's brushed his teeth in the morning. The nice part is that it frees me to be able to kiss him when I want to, without my fears that he would reject me for whatever reason.

The unspoken exception would be when it's simply not safe to kiss him, like when he returns home covered in dirt or mud or fiberglass, or his worst, sewage (oh, the joys of plumbing).

So we will see how this goes. I am encouraged by the article, and I'm hoping that I will let this work for us. ^^;;;

New blog title.

Even though what we had before was a joke, I wonder if the power of words really started coming into play. For reference, the blog used to be called, "Honey, I don't think this is gonna work," or something along those lines.

Hosea 2:19 is the verse that I had written on our wedding cake.

In the New English Translation, it says, "I will commit myself to you forever; I will commit myself to you in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love and tender compassion."

So all jokes aside, I want this blog to show that we really are committed to each other.

Guilty until proven innocent.

Although I was quite visibly bothered last night, Yubo chose to ignore it. So of course, I had to confront him about it.

It wasn't a terrible fight or anything. I told him that although it doesn't look like it, I really do try hard to trust him. And I told him that maybe I really do need him to jump through hoops to help build my confidence in him.

However, I also told him that when he does those trigger things, and then ignores me, I see that as him being guilty. Especially if it's right before bed for no good reason, and he goes to rinse with Listerine as soon as he gets in, even though I know he brushes and rinses before bed.

He asked if he seriously needed to say, "I didn't smoke," as soon as he walks in.

I told him that he needs to not be scared to defend himself if he's innocent. He can't let me accuse him of things (even if I'm not outright accusing him) if he's not doing anything wrong. If I'm acting huffy and bothered, I'm suspicious, and if he doesn't do anything to dispell my suspicion, he's guilty. That's honestly how it plays out in my head. It's like, he's not defending himself because he knows he did something wrong that would hurt me.

And I said something along the lines of, "If you have to go outside right before bed for whatever reason, and you see that I'm bothered when you come in, give me a hug and a kiss first. That's the ultimate proof."

The Little Things.

It's pretty amazing how big the little things can get. I suppose the amplification of things is mostly due to my paranoia and suspicion.

He's been finding strange reasons to go outside again. Just now he said he wanted to go outside to cool off. I told him he should just turn down our thermostat and take off the long sleeved shirt he was wearing. He mumbled something about wanting to go to bed as a nonsensical reason, and went outside... with his keys. If you're just going to cool off, why do you have to go to your truck?

And earlier today, he said he wanted to find some Ameriprise paperwork he had in the truck. There's really no good reason why he would bring Ameriprise mail to his truck. He came back in empty-handed anyway.

I'm really trying my best to trust him, but this nagging feeling won't go away.

He really could have such reasons to go outside, so I don't understand why I have to make such big deals out of each situation.

I tell him that I don't want him to jump through hoops, but I wonder if that's a big lie. I keep saying he knows my triggers -- the biggest one is when he decides for some strange reason to go outside, especially right before bed -- so he should be more aware of his actions and not do those things as we're trying to rebuild my trust in him. I'd say that's jumping through hoops, wouldn't you?

I just wish I knew what to do about it. I wonder how many people will say, "Just trust him." But I can't. I feel like if I do that, I'm enabling him to get away with things with me. Sounds like I really don't think much of him. And maybe I don't, in this area of our relationship. And maybe I feel like he doesn't respect me if he's really lying to me.

How much do I try my best to be the loving wife God tells me to be, and how much should I expect him to be the husband God tells him to be? Or do I simply not expect anything and love as much as I can from my side? I feel like that's not a healthy way to go about things at all.

LCC 10th Anniversary. Counterpoint.

LCC 10th Anniversary
Lighthouse just celebrated it's 10th anniversary this past weekend. On Saturday evening we had the service, and Sunday morning was spent servicing the community.

Royce, the head of 29:11 (our young adult/career ministry) and intern pastor, wrote a spoken word piece that went over the history of Lighthouse. Yubo was asked to perform it, along with our dear friend Rose and Kyle, a SYTE kid.

Yubo was so ridiculously excited about the project that he memorized his lines within the first day of receiving the script. Actually, I take that back. He memorized his lines within the day after their first rehearsal because then it was established that it was to be memorized.

I had a love/hate response from Yubo's excitement. I loved that he was so passionate and excited about the project, but it was getting pretty annoying how often he was advertising it.

I sat through the first rehearsal. It was pretty fun to hear them read through the script a few times. The difference in personalities really came out as they delivered their lines, and it worked out so well because that's how it was supposed to be. It was all similar enough, but just with different flavoring. ^_^

The following Friday, they rehearsed with the band. I had to miss out because I answered an ad for a model to help with a photography lighting workshop. I regretted missing the rehearsal. Yubo was quick to tell me how amazing it was.

The final rehearsal was set to the following Friday, a day before the anniversary service. On Wednesday night, Royce called me and told me Rose had fallen ill and wasn't sure if she would be able to recover in time. Actually, her whole household was sick. Royce told me that he and P.Keith were trying to figure out who to ask to fill in, and I came to mind as one of the few that would most likely be able to pull it off.

So I was 90% memorized by that Friday rehearsal. It was interesting reading with them. I couldn't seem to get very into it or get excited about it. Maybe I was numbing myself to the whole thing because Yubo was already so overexcited about it. I suppose he covered the excitement for both of us, so I was desensitized. Or it could be that because I have no style, attitude, or "flava", I didn't feel suited for the role. As my best friend Eric once told me, "You're whiter than I am!"

Saturday evening arrived. Yubo and I were dolled up, and I was feeling more and more concerned about my lines. We would have a confidence monitor at the back of the house, but I wasn't too sure if it was going to help me. Running through lines again, and there were two spots that I kept getting snagged on. I started feeling anxious; I was scared I was going to let them down. Even when I got through it once or twice without a mistake, I couldn't feel relief or confidence.

As with most things that involve Lighthouse, things were running late. Some of us suspect it has something to do with the combination of Asian time and Hawaiian time. But we completed sound checks and super duper last minute rehearsals on the stage.

And then it was time.

I kicked into performer mode as I hit the stage. I was cool to see how full the house was. The congregation from both services, plus guests. We went through the piece, nearly flawlessly. I had to rely on the monitor once or twice, but was told it wasn't noticeable.

The audience's response was amazing. Kyle's rapping was dynamic and full of energy, and he got cheers and applause, which fed all of us. Yubo's intensity at the end garnered even more cheers. We were a little scared that they wouldn't know what to do with this kind of performance, but we underestimated our congregation. It was so cool to experience their reactions.

But at the same time, I felt apart from it. It's not that I wanted cheers or anything -- my part didn't warrant any and I was perfectly fine with that. Perhaps it was that I wasn't in it at the beginning, so I still felt I was just filling in.

Yubo was amazing. It'd been a long time since I've seen him act. I wondered how much it made him miss being on stage in that way. This was completely different from being on worship.

We got a lot of praise as people met us after the service was over. Yubo was with me most of the time, so I left him to the majority of the responding. I felt like they kept me in the congratulations because I was on stage, not that I did so well. Kyle and Yubo were the memorable ones.

One thing that boosted me a bit was when P.Keith came to me. He complimented me specifically, and that was probably the first time I felt I actually did well.

So that was all about the spoken word piece. The anniversary service as a whole was great. The highlight for me was when P.Wayne asked for everyone that was baptized at Lighthouse to stand. It was so moving to see how many people stood.

A comment from a lady was passed on that she had been to a number of anniversary services, but this was the only one where Jesus was celebrated, and not just the church.

I was honored to be involved in the celebration. I know that we were celebrating how good and faithful God has been to Lighthouse, and I'm happy that really came through.

We were told that there is a DVD, and our AV guys are going to see what distribution will be like. I think we're only allowed so many copies because of the licenses on the music, but it we cut out the music, there can be as many copies as desired. I really want to send one down to Yubo's parents so they can see his performance.


Counterpoint
Yubo and I recently joined an a capella group called Counterpoint that comes from Cornerstone Christian Fellowship (I think), which is one of the churches that Lighthouse is good buddies with. Matt Sekijima, who is like the David Gaulton of Lighthouse, introduced us.

It's a really fun group to be in. Yubo's already got a solo. :) BUT I want to work with him to not strain his voice on some of those tenor notes, no thanks to Steven Curtis Chapman.

We're in a very awkward situation where the group is mostly men and not enough women, which incidentally makes a female solo a little difficult to come by. Yeah, I'm a little discouraged by that. I think it's where my jealousy of Yubo comes out.

I remember when Yubo was first asked to sub on a worship team, I was so happy for him but nearly sick with envy. It was easy to ask him because there are plenty of women on the worship teams and they're always looking for male voices.

Although the Counterpoint situation is reversed, it means that it would be more likely to have a male solo because we only have three women in the group (including me), and we can rarely spare one for a solo. So when we were asked to prayfully consider a solo for one of the songs we're rehearsing, I felt I couldn't offer myself.

I'm sure all that sounds very egotistical, and some of it probably is. I mean, although I completely understand the situation, it's still a little discouraging. However, it's not that I want to be in the spotlight. It's that I usually step up when no one else seems to want to, and I feel bad when it's a situation where it seems I can't due to such limitations.

And then I shoot myself down, wondering why I ever thought I might be good enough to actually take a solo. :P

But actually, I'd rather help build their technique. Some have it, some don't, and I want to help the ones that don't.... but I don't think they really want the help. Kinda like the situation in choir. Well, maybe not quite, but I don't know how to approach the subject without sounding like I'm insulting them.

Even Yubo doesn't like the tips, suggestions and advice I offer him because they weren't asked for.

Anyway, that's what we've been up to lately alongside his work issues and my job-hunting.

Dreaded Dishes.

Looking away from the mess of the house -- which isn't realy entirely possible as you see a mess everywhere you look -- we've found that the real monster of the house is a full sink.

Dishes seem to be the thing that no one ever wants to do, and with good reason. We let them pile up so much that they move from a simple tedious task to this all-day project.

My solution, which we have yet to implement, is to store away all the excess dishes. It's only two of us. We rarely entertain (due to the mess of the house), so we don't need to have so many available to us.

Not only will that help us to wash dishes regularly, if we did allow them to pile up, it wouldn't be so daunting.

Yubo was kind enough to do dishes like he said he would yesterday as he tried to watch the Superbowl. With much of it done, I will search for storage bags to safely store away all the excess stuff, and reorganize our storage closet so we have a place to put them.

Follow-Up.

Well, emotions ran quite high tonight. It's frustrating because I didn't intend them to. ::sigh::

But we're not taking a step back from our relationship. I mean, we're not going backwards.

Some old things came up again, but with a bit of new insight. He reminded me of things that he's wanted from me (that he told me a long time ago, but never in such a way that sounded doable). For example, concerning the physical intimacy (not sex), he would love to have me hold his hand more often or hang on his arm. When he first said that, and I still feel this way now, I told him that I can't bring myself to do it. The reason is because then I feel like the nerdy fat girl obsessed with the hot popular jock. It doesn't make for a pretty picture, and only lowers my status more.

My responses to the few things he brought up continued to go back to a single point: I feel unnoticed and insignificant.

As the tension between us rose, Yubo was smart enough to call it a night. And I was smart enough to listen to him. There are still things to revisit, but now we're getting a better handle on when to stop. Not everything needs to be settled in a single discussion, and I'm happy that I finally understand that. I'm sure Yubo's glad for that too.

What helped the most at the end of the night was him saying, "We'll get through this," as we hugged. Such a simple phrase, but so reassuring at that moment. And it's true. We will get through this.

Proverbs31.org

I am in what Lighthouse calls a Dyad -- it's a small group consisting of two people. It started with Triads (groups of 3), but there was some reservation about possibly being associated with the Chinese mafia. XD

Anyhow, since I haven't had much success in small groups, I decided I ought to find someone to call or e-mail and still have the ability to share our troubles and delights and all that stuff you'd do with a small group. At the moment, we're not studying anything together in particular, but just sharing about our week, sharing prayer requests, God-sightings, etc.

Today, she linked me to the website I have in the title of this entry. I visited it and clicked on the "Encouragement for Today" that she told me she loves and wanted to share with me. Today's encouragement was so perfect. I felt like it was written just for me.

It shows me that God is so good in providing just what we need, that He hears us when we pray, and that He actually responds.

I am encouraged to not try to find worldly solutions to our issues, and instead to discover God's solutions.

Starting Over?

Well, we have found ourselves in quite an interesting situation.

Last night (Sunday), there was quite a bit of talk about our lack of intimacy lately. As I recovered from my usual bit of turmoil, I read a few articles that said in 20-25% of marriages, the wife has a higher sex drive than the husband. So we may or may not actually be a part of that statistic. Yubo says it's just the stress of work that's really been getting to him. I think it could be that, along with a number of other factors -- though I mostly put it on the fact that he's not as physically attracted to me as he used to be. It really is a fact, and I've somewhat come to terms with that.

Anyhow....

Today (Monday), I launched into a related discussion with Yubo. Thankfully I did this with a very level head and mostly objective attitude, so I managed to get some pretty good answers out of him.

It turns out that some suspicions were correct, and Yubo really was not ready to get married when we did. He felt pressure from all over, and with his personality type of wanting to please as many people as possible, he didn't give his uneasiness enough voice and married me much sooner than he really wanted to. Now, he did say that he was certain it would be me that he was going to marry, it just didn't happen in the time frame he had in his head.

I said that was a very good thing to know, as I now feel that is a contributing factor to the struggles we've faced these first 9 months of marriage.

Recently, and especially with the added stress of what's been going on at work, he's really distanced himself from me. Normally I would complain and be all hurt over it, but today I feel magically separated from the situation. I can look at what's been happening and accept it as the reality of our relationship. Of course I would still like to figure out what we need to do in order to have a happy and successful marriage, but for the moment I'm freed from hurt feelings.

I brought up a few possibilities about our current relational status, and we have yet to determine if any of them are actually accurate:

1. Our relationship has become an obligation rather than a choice. (This is from our getting married sooner than he wanted to.)
2. We are like an arranged marriage, and just need to learn how to love each other again. (This stems from the idea of our relationship being an obligation.)

Don't misunderstand! It's not really that we don't love each other anymore. It's a little more that our love for each other has changed a bit from before. It's one of those, "It's not bad; it's different," kind of things. But perhaps our love has gone in a direction that it wasn't really supposed to -- a little backwards into a friendship or generally caring kind of love instead of going deeper into a romantic kind of love.

We've gotten so distant that I wonder how well we even know each other anymore. I feel like our knowledge of each other is just from college, back when we were really interested in each other. It's like learning from an outdated textbook. So if #2 is accurate, we just need a refresher course.

We're going to revisit this discussion in a day or two to allow Yubo to process what has been said and discovered.

One thing that does frighten me a little bit is how I'm reacting to all of this. I feel my heart has closed a little bit just to protect me. It's ready to launch all the way back into acquaintance/friendship mode. Too drastic! But I feel that's something that will help me get control over my desire for him.

Anyway, it's still all observation and speculation. I don't know if and how he's praying, but I'm praying that God securely become the center of our relationship -- I feel like He never really was, even after the wedding. We need to get our priorities straight, and fast.

Progress.

It appears that Yubo will not start that field sup position any time soon. Apparently they hired an outside guy for that 3rd field sup, and so Yubo will stay a tech. Still uncertain about schedules and income though.

My job search continues. I got that voice acting gig. Fun times, and scored $100. It made Yubo feel like he should have submitted something. :P

I also got a phone interview with a front desk position for a nursing home last Wednesday. I feel like the interview went really well, but I have yet to hear a yea or nay. They said they would contact me at the end of the week (last week) or the beginning of next week (this week just starting). So I'm hoping for a call tomorrow or Tuesday with some sort of confirmation. I'm actually really hopeful for this job -- not just that it will be good supplementary income, but that it will help me grow as a person and as a Christian.

The position is still listed on the employment section of their website, so I'm praying that this is where God wants me.

However, I still browse craigslist for listings. Found something about a makeup artist. Gonna see if I can't throw together a bunch of makeovers for some before and after pictures to submit some time this week. I think makeup artistry is something I would still want to do aside from a regular job.

I may also keep up with random gigs. That VA gig really was a lot of fun. And the sound guy seemed pleased enough to mention that there can be quite a bit of work up here. Yubo and I figure that he wouldn't have mentioned that if I wasn't at least decent. He even told me directly that I have a really pleasant voice. LoL. It reminded me of back in college when some friends told me I have a good phone voice. And it also reminded me of how I dream of doing anime dubs in hopes that it wouldn't be quite so horrible anymore. :P

So we're better than we were in that last post. A few other stresses are popping up, but I'm trying to be more diligent about prayer. I can only trust that Yubo is spending time in prayer as well (I really hope he is)(I wish we would pray together).

That's not what I needed or wanted to hear.

The company pushed off Yubo's starting as a supervisor, but it still hasn't been decided when he will officially start. It's tough for him being in limbo, especially when he's apparently stopped smoking again. ((I'm trying my best to trust that he's not lying to me again.))

So far, no one has contacted me back for any jobs, except for a temp voice acting gig. I e-mailed my voice sample submissions today, or technically, last night. I also FB'd the manager of the Massage Envy that I left my cover letter and resume at, since I've been having trouble just getting in contact with her. I really hope that doesn't put her off.

The apparent failures in my job search have left me feeling very incompetent overall. I suppose you could say I've started fishing for encouragement and compliments from Yubo. It's especially tough when the past two or three days, it felt like I didn't exist again. On Tuesday and Wednesday, he was clocked out early because of overtime. On those two days, when he suddenly had so much more free time, he played Assasin's Creed: Brotherhood nearly nonstop. I'm not exaggerating. On Wednesday night, I vented to him my frustrations of how I was feeling about the job search and about us. He didn't say much in response.

"What do you want from me? What do you want from this relationship?"

"I don't know," he said.

Just now, I snapped at him a bit.

I was complaining about having to go in to Bellevue College to get a refund for the class I dropped before the quarter started. I mixed up the credit card I was using, entering my personal one instead of the one I have through my dad. However, I thought I was using my dad's, so I put all that information. That mix up is probably getting in the way of the refund, so I have to go in person to clear that up.

Yubo mentioned that I should go walk through Bellevue Square to see where I can apply. I told him that their website didn't show any good job openings, or the positions being asked for were above my qualifications. He said that he was sure not every single store actually posted their job openings on the mall website. I told him that what openings there were that I saw, I didn't want. And what else could there be at the mall that I would possibly want to work at? I hate retail.

He was surprised. He said he wouldn't have mentioned it if he knew that I was trying to stay away from retail.

We've been together for 6 years now. Known each other for 9. He's known me through Victoria's Secret and Fry's. How can he think I would ever want to go back into that kind of retail?

Then he started pointing out all the Subway locations, as if I've never seen any other Subway aside from the one behind the house. And he ended with how I have to actually go in to the places I want to apply for to have a better chance of getting an interview. Again, as if I don't know. Honestly, I've been trying to avoid that, even though I know he's right. That's probably why I got so upset.

I've asked him often since I started my search what I'm qualified for. Because I was so frustrated that no one was contacting me, I wondered if my resume was so horrible that even entry level type stuff didn't want me.

Yubo wasn't very good at showing me what I'm good at. I'm starting to think that it's because he doesn't know. I think he doesn't see me anymore. All he knows is what he remembers from college, when he actually looked at me. When I was thin and pretty and active. But maybe that's all I see myself as too. Remembering back to when I was actually doing something. And then I look at myself now, and see nothing worth anything. The one person I want to turn to for a different image of who I really am has nothing to present to me.




Why did he marry me? Did I force him?




We're in a situation where we're not communicating very well. It's not even about saying what the other wants to hear. We're not really saying anything constructive to each other either. Yubo thinks he's helping me by advising how I should go about applying for work, when what I really need is a boost in confidence in myself. And I'm feeling so low about myself that I'm not being receptive to him either -- I've been refusing to make him sandwiches... it's a little thing, but a loving wife shouldn't refuse to make her husband a sandwich when he's hungry. But it's because I start to think that's all I am to him. Or that I'm hurt by his lack of attention, so I act as if he should do such things on his own since it doesn't matter that I'm there.

Yes. I've told him this before. I just don't know what he's filtering and what he's retaining, if anything. He's probably waiting for this to blow over.... waiting for me to get over myself. Conflict avoidance.

Sometimes I think, I have some acting ability. Would it make things much better for him if I acted happy and ok? But I know that's not how I should be thinking. That would hurt us more than help. And sometimes I'm scared that if I did that, he would actually believe me because he wouldn't want to see the truth. Conflict avoidance.

Don't worry, readers. We're not as bad off as I make it sound. Really. The sting of what he said earlier is fresh. All those feelings are still fairly raw emotions. I haven't given myself the time to calm down and think things through before writing this entry. Don't be mad at him if I make him out to be a horrible husband. He's not. He's not perfect, of course, but he's not quite so horrible. And please don't be mad at me for being so unfair and moody.

You might wonder why I would write all that I did if only to try to deflect any bad comments with this last paragraph. It's not that. I'm just about honesty.... as honest as I can get. And I'm hoping that once this gets resolved, assuming it gets resolved, I will be able to post an entry on how we resolved it.

There are TONS of underlying issues at play here. Lots of them will probably remain throughout our entire marriage. Despite my frequent gripes, I do have confidence that we will get through it. At the moment, we're in a place where there are quite a few transitions happening all at once. It's scary, this uncertainty we're in. Since we're right at the beginning of it, we haven't seemed to latch back onto each other to get through it together yet. Right now it's still disconnection and hurt feelings.

Pray for us. Our one-year anniversary is in less than three months. I want to be able to spend that day thinking back through this difficult first year and reflect on the things we've overcome.

Promotion, of sorts, and Job Hunting.

Today, Yubo accepted the field supervisor position that was offered to him. He will start that position on Thursday. He was very nervous at first. He continued to pray about it a lot before settling on a decision. Messages on three nearly consecutive Sunday mornings that focused on, "Don't be afraid.... I am with you...," helped Yubo accept the position. He said that after he confirmed that he would take it, he felt loads better. But he's still not sure about how this will change his income.

Yesterday, Yubo called my dad to get some opinions on what we were discussing as far as him taking the position and me putting school off again to work. The conversation went about as well as I figured. My dad reluctantly agreed with our reasoning, so I dropped the single class I had and two waiting list classes for the quarter and now I've joined the job hunt.

I was supposed to get some applications today, but chores, changing my name with Social Security and mailing out the rest of the extra wedding DVDs consumed too much of the day. So the real hunt starts tomorrow.

I already contacted an optical office that had posted an opening for a front desk position on craigslist, but that was posted last week. I emailed them last night if they were still looking and haven't received a response yet.

Tomorrow, I plan to walk down the shopping center behind the house, focusing mostly on the Subway and QFC. I texted my friend that is a manager at the Massage Envy in Kirkland to see if she was hiring. She said that the Massage Envy in Northgate is hiring -- about a 20-30min drive away. It would be ideal to get something in the shopping center behind the house because then I can still walk over in case it's too difficult to drive, or if I just want more exercise. It'll save gas too.

My reservations about getting a job are mostly about our time frame. Yubo says he might only need me to work for this quarter, but I'm not comfortable applying to places that are probably looking for more commitment. I don't want to get hired, then bail three months later. Craigslist doesn't have much in the way of temp jobs, so I might have to look up a temp agency or something.

So that's where we're at right now. I'm happy and excited for Yubo, and going to try my best to help support us financially during this time of financial uncertainty.

Happy New Year!

Yubo and I have survived another year together. Once we get to Jan 9th, we will have been together for 5 years. And we have been living in Washington for just over 6 years now.

I have to say that I don't miss a whole lot about 2010. Yes, we got married, but that was so ridiculously stressful. If we could've gone without a huge ceremony, I think I'd go back and do it like that instead. But I have to admit that it was fun seeing my bridesmaids look so gorgeous and have them there by my side.

It feels like aside from all that, the majority of 2010 was quite uneventful. Am I forgetting things?

We added Chiyo to our family, and it's been a delight to have her. We still wish Tifa would just get over herself and be nice.

I finally went to the doctor with the help of Yubo's health benefits. I made a little more progress with school (and when I say a little, I really mean a little..... tiny.... itty bitty).

The year also seemed to put more stress on Yubo. As I mentioned in the previous post, he has started smoking again. However, he has a goal to quit before we get to our one year wedding anniversary.

We got to spend Christmas down in California. Although we spent the majority of the trip in Anaheim with Yubo's parents with me battling illnesses a huge chunk of the time, I got to spend some time with my parents, grandparents and sister.

As we start off the new year, Yubo and I are thinking very seriously about where we're headed. Finances have gotten a bit tight. We're trying to figure out how badly we need me to put off school again to work full time for some extra income. Yubo says that will take a huge chunk of stress off his shoulders, which will make it that much easier for him to quit smoking. I told him I would gladly go back to work, especially for that reason. The fear is how my dad will take that.

The winter quarter starts this Monday, the 3rd. I have until the 7th to withdraw from the quarter with a full refund. So we need to decide soon if we want me to drop this quarter or go through with it until the next quarter, or if I even need to put off school at all. I just want to do what I can to support Yubo.

With April comes our first anniversary. It's said that the first year is especially difficult. I don't know how well we can vouch for that. It has been quite difficult though, actually, but I feel like we did a decent job of getting through it. Not a whole lot has been resolved. Problems that have been around since we first got together are still here, but I think we've made a lot of progress on how we handle bad situations and how we deal with each other.

And I still have no desire for kids just yet.

As many do with the new year, I am trying to get into a healthier lifestyle. My diet hasn't gotten much better this first day, but I have been active. My aching body and cramping thighs are testament to that.

We pray that God continues to guide us in this new year, and that we could be better at hearing His voice and keeping Him at the center of our relationship and household.

Here's to continuing our journey together.