The morning already didn't start off well. There were two things that needed to be done today: I needed to pick up a my bridesmaid dress up in Lynnwood, and Yubo needed to go back to Value Village to make an exchange. I woke Yubo up earlier than he wanted to, trying to get him to come up to Lynnwood with me. As usual, even though I really didn't need him to come with me, I just wanted his company. Well, he didn't care to give me his company, and the tension rose.
He eventually got out of bed, checking his radio because it had been beeping. Without a word, he threw on some pants, grabbed his keys and went outside. It took him a long time to come back in, so I finally decided to get out of bed myself. When I looked out the window to see what the weather was like, I saw that his truck was gone.
......I really hate when he leaves without saying anything to me.
So I thought I would rush to get myself ready and leave before he got home. Forget having him come run errands with me if he doesn't have the decency to let his wife know he's going somewhere. If he tried calling to find out where I was, I wouldn't answer the phone. He doesn't care to let me know where he is; why should I let him know where I am?
I was too slow, and he got home just as I finished brushing my teeth. Turned out they were paging him to recalibrate his gps, and so he had to drive around in circles. But still, he knew that before getting out of bed and didn't say anything, not thinking that his going outside first thing in the morning is one of my paranoia triggers. Even worse when he drives off.
"Oh, you're back," I said, flatly.
"Yup," he replied, unaffected.
Soon, he was on the phone with P.Nancy, discussing a reading he's going to do tomorrow after her message. He was dressed, ready to go wherever he was going to go. I waited for him to finish his call so I could ask him what the plans were for the day -- if we were going to run our errands separately. But his call didn't finish, and I was very hungry. I whispered to him, asking if he was actually coming with me. He nodded, and I offered to drive so he could continue to talk. He ignored my irritation, as he's become so good at doing over the years.
Things got better during the drive and as we settled on where to eat. We picked up my dress, then found a Value Village nearby so we wouldn't have to drive all the way back down to the one we knew in Kirkland. The mood started going sour again the longer we stayed there -- our opinions weren't matching up as far as costuming ideas for his character. Well, they sort of matched up, but after we found some suitable options, Yubo started getting fanciful and I was bursting his bubbles.
Our conversation during the drive home was about business options. My dad is still pretty set on having us take over one of the dollar stores because he wants to go off and do another thing... importing or something. Although I really don't want to be in that kind of business, Yubo was voicing how he wouldn't mind it. However, he wasn't so great at actually pointing out any benefits aside from less work for about the same amount of income. He talked about how something like that is already established and would be easy to train to take over, and he wouldn't have to work as hard or as long as he does now. He'd have more free time, he said. Well, more free time for what?
I've become cynical towards Yubo having more free time. Yes, he would have more free time, but it would be more free time to not spend with me. I know. I'm selfish and inconsiderate, but it does hurt me that with what little free time he has now, I'm nearly starving for his attention. His free time now is spent winding down from the work day or week. Any extra free time he gains is usually filled with something to do for church or other favors for friends, and then he's too tired to do anything with me. So I'm convinced that if he gained any more free time, he would simply add that to his alone time rather than put any more time towards us. And he hasn't convinced me otherwise.
We made it home, and conversation continued. He was still trying to explain to me how taking over the store might be a good idea. But somewhere near the end of his explanation of how we might just get stuck in this rut of him working so hard or even harder, he said, "...for as long as we're together."
Not, "for as long as we live," or, "until we both retire," which give a better indication of the lengthiness of our commitment to each other. "...for as long as we're together." Ugh! The subtext of those words! It seemed like there was a termination date to our relationship that might happen before we die. He didn't say it in any ominous way, or in any tone that showed any displeasure with me or us. Just that choice of words...
"That's a strange way to say it," I managed to say. And he continued to try to explain.
"I don't think you understand how I took that." I was fighting tears. What a dumb thing to cry about. Why was I taking it so hard?
He mumbled that he kind of understood how I might have heard it. As my first few tears fell, he walked out of the room. I heard him put the keys away, and then he went into the bathroom. I had my hands pressed against my eyes when he finally came back into the room. He asked if I was ok, and I didn't know how to answer. A moment passed, and he asked again.
"I'm just trying to convince myself that that wasn't some sort of Freudian slip."
"Well, it wasn't." He voice was defensive, almost angry. And he simply walked away again.
He didn't respond when I noted his anger aloud. When I went into the bathroom, he grabbed the keys again and drove off somewhere.
It was such a build up. The tension at the start of the day. The irritation with each other regarding our errands. My concern for my sister after my mom told me she and her partner of 7 years might split up. Feeling like Yubo was siding with my dad, trying to put me in a place I didn't want to be. And then those words.
We haven't resolved anything yet. I buried myself in a project, and he started playing his video game (a bit loudly). He was kind enough to pick up some dinner when I asked, but I stayed here in the office to eat. Didn't even look at him when he brought the food in.
It's easy to say that we're both probably overreacting to the situation. But this really does go deeper. It's my darn insecurity, and how I keep looking to him for reassurance, and how he rarely reassures me. I think my level of insecurity makes him doubt us. I might ask him that, actually. But I recognize how much of an insult to him my insecurity is. It indicates that he's not doing enough, that he's not good enough, and never will be because I remain insecure.
I really wish we could afford counseling. We try to talk on our own, but we don't get anywhere. We go around in circles, bringing up the same unresolved issues with no progress made towards any solutions.
Life....
12 years ago
Hey Dar, I'm so sorry that you're going through these bumps in your relationship. If I may offer a few insights from an outside perspective...
ReplyDeleteThe thing about taking over one of your dad's stores kind of screamed at me as I read your blog. It's quite clear that this is not something you want to do with your life, nor is it something that would make you happy. Part of our sense of security and confidence is how happy we are with the lives we've built for ourselves. I think that you should focus on that, rather than the "free time" it may open up. I think you're still figuring out what works best for you while reconciling that plan with your marriage. What may work for him may not work for you and that's where you need to communicate and find a middle ground that makes you both happy. It sounds like taking over one of the stores would work for him but not for you in terms of fulfillment. And if it turns out that it truly is the best plan for you both, then do it on the very clear terms that you'll set aside some of that extra time for couple stuff. A date night, a wine tasting, a evening where you cook dinner together, anything that you both enjoy and the emphasis is on you being TOGETHER and truly enjoying that time in one another's company.
As to his "as long as we're together" comment, it probably was not a Freudian slip. It's true that women analyze words and actions to no end, while most men allow words to tumble forth without much thought. Whatcha gonna do? =) I think you're assuming that to him, "as long as we're together" means there's an expiration date on the relationship. I'm guessing that for him, you two being together automatically means forever, without him having to say it. He probably takes it as a given. (Again, a guy thing.) Two very different interpretations of one message, that you're together forever, and by choice. I mean, he married you, didn't he? I know it's easy to question his commitment and love when things gets murky, but perhaps you need to work on changing your attitude to "You know what? I KNOW he loves me and we'll be ok. In the grand scheme of things in this infinite universe of possibility, this little tiff really doesn't matter."
Have you ever straight up told him that you hate it when he leaves without saying anything to you, especially when he drives off? That would drive me nuts too! Obviously you've shown displeasure when he does it but have you said the words, "I hate it when you drive off without saying anything to me. It hurts me. Please don't do that anymore. I love you."?? I think that if something upsets you that much, then he should show you the respect of at least attempting to alter that behavior, and vice versa if there's anything that you do that he absolutely hates. That's part of marriage right? And if he brings up that he doesn't want to wake you just to tell you where he's going, or something like that, perhaps a compromise could be that he leave a note for you. Would that work?
Dar, I can tell that you have a lot of insight into your relationship (you've always been an intelligent person), but you're not quite sure how to implement the positive changes you need. Whenever those same unresolved issues come up, focus on just one at a time. I know they're all linked in some way so they all come up and it seems like such a mountain of issues to tackle all at once. Don't. Take a step back. Just work on one. I'll bet that improving one issue will naturally lead to more communication and progress on another, and another.
ReplyDeleteNo one knows your relationship better than you two, and I may be completely off base and out of line (Sorry, if that's the case.) but I hope this helps a bit. You're not alone. ALL relationships (marriage or otherwise) take a lot of work, compromise, and understanding. Be kind to one another, above all, and be kind to yourself. Everything will be ok.
Thanks, Connie. Actually, if I'm good at anything, it's being clear about what's making me unhappy, and what he does that I don't like. But most times, he simply forgets. And unfortunately, I'm rarely able to offer a solution, and Yubo can't help but get defensive and is unable to think of any solution either. So we get stuck in knowing exactly what the issue is and not being able to fix it... aside from cases where he really just needs to remember what I request of him. I also do try my best to address issues objectively and matter-of-factly, which sometimes helps him to handle what he would normally get very defensive about.
ReplyDeleteWe did talk it out, and I cried it out, and learned that he was upset that I was just focusing on what he said that came out wrong, and I was upset that he wasn't acknowledging that what he said upset me. In this case, we were both caught up in ourselves instead of thinking about the other.
hmmm...maybe instead of just being good at expressing the things that he does that make you unhappy, you could try to focus more on what he does to make you HAPPY. Some positivity goes a lot further than a lot of negativity.
ReplyDeletemi-chan
It's not that I don't say or think about all the good things he does -- I just don't write about those things very often.
ReplyDelete