I don't think this is going to work.

That is what I first called this blog when we started it, just as a joke.

I'm sad it's not a joke.

I won't say too much here, since I feel like this still has a bit of his name on it (I know it really doesn't). But for those who care and have read through our silly blog, you probably won't be surprised to learn that at the end of October, I started the process of divorce.

My takeaway from all of this is to value, honor, and protect myself. Through this, I have learned my worth. And I have learned to not ignore such glaring red flags.

I am sad for myself, for how long it had to take for me to learn these things.

I am sad for him, as he battles the person he is and the person he thought himself to be.

If you're the praying type, I would appreciate prayers for us as we step out into this new chapter of our lives, separately.

Sacred space.

We had an incident last month. Yubo was back in his bad gaming habits, and I was getting fed up again. And so we had a talk. This time was a little different in that I didn't start crying. And in the two days after, Yubo made a very clear effort to spend time with me, which I very deeply appreciated.

But, of course, I was wondering when he would jump right back into his habits and start neglecting me again.

At some point, I continued the conversation with him, and proposed an experiment. He had said a couple of times before that he felt like he never really got to be a bachelor. He always had some obligations, and didn't have a chance to just be on his own and do whatever he wanted when he wanted. So I thought to give him some "bachelor time," to see if that was something he really needed. I told him it was actually really important for him to take time for himself, but something was wrong with the way he was going every day -- how late he was staying up, and how absorbed he was getting in his games and Netflix -- because it never seemed to relieve anything. And his approach was obviously hurting our relationship.

I got a bit of grief from one of my closest friends. "How is that going to be any different than what he already does every night," she demanded.

But we've been trying this for about three weeks now, and I think we've finally figured out a compromise that works well for both of us.

Monday nights are his. I am not allowed to pester him to come to bed. He gets to stay up as long as he wants, and do whatever he wants. And I try to limit the things I ask him to do, if I ask him to do anything at all. This is the day when he doesn't have to feel obligated to anything. Aside from whatever work he gets, it's his bachelor day.

Saturdays after work are ours. Whenever we both get off work, the rest of the day is dedicated to us. Or, specifically from Yubo's perspective, after work, his Saturdays belong to me. This is the day we have intentionally set aside for each other. If someone else asks us to do something, we will generally decline.

This phrase of a "sacred space" came from a small group meeting. We've been going through a section of a book talking about perpetual and solvable problems within a relationship. While discussing solvable problems, I was talking about how I wanted Yubo to dedicate time to me, where he would turn down other things because he already planned to be with me. So Saturdays are our sacred space, and Mondays are his sacred space. I don't know if "sacred" is really the right thing to call it..... more like, "protected." In any case, whatever we call it, it is what it is.

As I said above, we've been doing these Mondays and Saturdays for about 3 weeks now. The results so far have been favorable.

Mondays give Yubo the time to himself that he needs to relieve himself of the stresses of the week. He gets to indulge in his night owl tendencies without being nagged. It's when he gets to be selfish if he so chooses. One week, he didn't come to bed until 4am.
I've surprisingly found some relief in these Mondays as well. I now have the mindset that I can't bother him, and so I go to bed on my own without having to care if he needs to be up early. It gives me the chance to really allow myself to see and accept him as an adult that can make his own decisions and deal with the consequences. And it frees me from feeling like I need to "mother" him.

The week goes on normally, with both of us working, and ending our nights about the way we usually would. However, Yubo hasn't been pushing to stay up as long as he can anymore. If I ask him to come to bed, it doesn't take as long for him to actually do it. On top of that, he's been much more responsive when I try to talk to him while he's playing, so he's been less absorbed. I did point that out to him, and thanked him, and let him know that made me happy.

I look forward to Saturdays now that I know they are just for us. We'll go out to dinner, and then spend the rest of our time either talking, running errands, or watching something together that we both enjoy. The first Saturday, we went to the movies for the first time in a very long while. Last Saturday, we caught up on a few Doctor Who Season 7 episodes. Yesterday, Yubo didn't work, so we got to spend a lot of time together. It got a little tricky, but it wasn't too bad. We tidied up our books using the konmari method. We took a few breaks, where Yubo would play for a little bit, and I would check things on my laptop. But then we got back together for dinner, and we watched a few episodes of an anime that we just started. I let him have the rest of the night to himself, but had him promise to have breakfast with me at the nearby donut shop in the morning before church, and he woke up in time to do that with me.

Obviously, I can only speak from my side, but I'm realizing that it's kind of amazing when we really consider each other. I don't feel like an afterthought anymore, constantly wondering if he even cares that I'm around. And he generally seems more relaxed, and I'm sure feels more respected. I think both of us are happier.

Since it was just an experiment, I asked him what he wanted to do with his Mondays, and he said he'd like to keep them. I am ok with that. I told him at the beginning when I proposed the experiment that I would be happy to give him a day if that was what he needed, as long as I knew he would dedicate time for me.

It's still early, but so far I think this is the longest we've successfully done something like "date nights." We'll see how this goes, but I'm actually pretty optimistic about this. And of course, we'll adjust things as needed. I think as long as we continue to keep each other in mind, that's the main thing. Somewhere along the way over these past 10 years, we forgot that a little bit. So I'm very glad that we're taking the time to regain it.

My cats are easier to train than my husband.

My cats are generally not allowed to be in the bedroom by themselves. So after I'm done with bathroom stuff in the morning, I usually shoo them out of the bedroom and close the door for the rest of the day until bedtime.

Lately, when I come out of the bathroom, all three of them are already outside the bedroom.

When that happened this morning, my thought was that I have trained the girls well, and this blog topic popped into my head.

Of course, I have to say that I don't really think people can train their husbands, and if they can, something is wrong. But I was thinking of how nice and easy animals are compared to humans, especially when it comes down to the animals that you love versus the humans that you love.

Back to the main topic, though. And with a bit of another disclaimer: I understand that these are all generalizations, and this is my experience with my own cats and my own husband, so I hope you all understand that as well.

Generally, when the cats do something I don't like, they usually learn to simply stop doing it, or they respond quickly to my voice or snap..... or they keep doing it when they think I'm not looking. Now, I don't really spend any time to actually train the cats to do anything. And I do know that cats are trainable (sort of). MIL has trained their cat to do a few tricks for treats, although the cat will *only* do them for treats. But she does them nonetheless. And my cats do very clearly respond to my voice.

When Yubo does something I don't like, he is more likely to lie about it, thinking it's better to lie, rather than stop doing it. So unlike the cats, who consider other options, he goes straight for the third one. (To be honest, I'm thinking back to specific previous situations.) Otherwise, it's straight up defiance. It's 2:58am, and I'm standing there because he's agreed to no longer stay up until 3am, and he looks at the clock, and looks at me, and hits the button to start a new quest. Just kidding. He's not that blatantly defiant.

Now, I don't mean for this to be serious at all. I thought of the topic, and I laughed. Because humans are humans. We are the wonderful and amazing and mysterious and unique things God created us to be. And for someone like me who loves control, I think it's good for me to laugh over this thought than get frustrated.

That's not to say it isn't frustrating though. People are frustrating. Life is frustrating. But I wonder what would have happened if I let all the frustrations get to me, and ended up not marrying this particularly frustrating guy. And I'm glad that my brilliance (or stupidity) allowed me to push through the frustrations to love him and fight with him and fight for him.

Wow. That was sappy. Sorry about that.

But it's true. I think I forget that too often sometimes. I don't want a trained husband. I don't even want trained cats. I love that my cats will come to snuggle with me without calling them. And I love that my cats will (sometimes) come snuggle with me when I do call them.

I love that Yubo will come snuggle with me when I don't want it (usually when it's way too warm for any sort of body contact). And I love that I can trust him to come snuggle with me if I ask, because I'm usually too scared and insecure to ask (yup... even after 5 years of marriage, and being together for a total of 10 years).

But that doesn't mean I don't still entertain ideas..... especially the thought of training him to go to bed before midnight..... and putting his trash in the trashcan...... and locking the front door....... and..... and......

The struggles: Communication

I think I need to go back and re-title some of those old "struggles" posts as some of them haven't been overcome yet, and honestly, I don't think they ever will be.

Here we are again with communication, but with a slightly different issue. Not a new one, but as I feel it's been coming up quite often these past few weeks, I figured I'd write about it.

What comes to mind is this:







Yubo often gets really frustrated with me. He says he prides himself in being able to explain things clearly to anyone so that they understand -- it's something he often has to do as a plumber. However, every time he tries to explain things to me, I get lost, and oftentimes, I understand things less.

The trouble for him (and me) in these situations is that he tends to suddenly launch into these really lengthy explanations that, to me, aren't linear thoughts that would help me, or I don't immediately understand the relevance so it's hard for me to follow.

It's not uncommon for me to pause and ask him if we're still talking about the same thing because I think he's gone too far off on a tangent.

What happened tonight is what prompted this entry.

We were driving home from dinner with my parents. At an on-ramp, a car was ready to merge, and Yubo sped up to pass the car, even though it would have merged perfectly well if we stayed at our speed.

Not the first time I've mentioned this to him, that I think he is not a nice driver. Previous "offenses" have been yelling at other drivers for "being an idiot," especially when they do things he's done himself, like changing lanes or waiting to turn left without signalling.

Tonight, he responded with something along the lines of, "Everyone does it to me. This is my comeuppance." (Yes, I'm pretty sure that's how he used the word, and yes, if that's the case, he used it incorrectly.)

I replied, "Just because people do it to you does not make it ok."

Some responses were made, and I said something like, "You should take that up with God," to which he replied with something like, "I don't feel the need at all to be a nice driver. I don't feel any conviction for that." I told him I felt convicted for him. It was one of those situations where I was thankful we don't display any car decals about our faith.

To explain myself a bit further, focusing on the "just because... does not make it ok," I brought up an article I read about someone that has zero tolerance for racism and racist jokes. I even mentioned that I didn't think it fit quite right. But Yubo latched onto that topic. He said he agreed with the spirit of it, but disagreed about not being able to find jokes like that funny. He admitted to finding some racists jokes funny, and said that he thinks he would not be able to not find them funny. I said I thought it might be a mindset/mentality thing.

Long story short, what started off as concern for his unkind driving somehow ended up with me feeling like he was accusing me of being racist for calling his mom white-washed, and laughing at my mom's poor use of the English language, and also feeling like he was trying to defend himself for enjoying inappropriate things.

From his standpoint, he was simply trying to use a personal situation to help me understand why he disagreed with not being able to find some things funny that could technically be labeled as racist, but within the context of family/friends, aren't intended in such a way.

I told him we needed to stop because we're both tired, and the conversation was getting unnecessarily heated. And so we stopped talking And instead of going to bed like I wanted to, I'm up writing this blog after distracting myself a bit to calm down.


I honestly don't know if it's just because we both have bit a bit stressed and quite tired lately. For the past few weeks, my frustrations with him have come from what I deem are his "auto-responses." When I'm venting a bit, or complaining about something, he's been automatically responding with a simple, "I love you." Yeah.... not a good thing when I'm reacting negatively to those words. But because he kept saying it over and over again in those situations, it felt like a brush off. His translation was, "I'm sorry you have to put up with that, so feel better."

His other ones have been, "It's fine," and, "I'll/We'll figure it out," which basically means, "I'm not going to think about it right now, so stop talking about it." At least, that's my translation because that's how I receive the words.

He would use, "It's fine," when I would mention how late it was and ask him to stop playing his game. In that case, it's a very blatant, "I'm going to ignore what you just said and continue playing for as long as I want." And he's admitted to that.

The "figure it out" has come up a lot recently as he's currently without a car because it's getting shelves put in and repairs done. We're down to one car with me working, him going to school, a show coming up this weekend, and he's up for sound this Sunday. Rather than planning out the car situation to make sure everything works, he just kept saying we'd figure it out.

Also, he said he wasn't going to work this week because of his car being worked on, and yet he accepted a job from an acquaintance down in Torrence. So my other frustration has been how he seemingly keeps changing decisions he's made. My selfishness sees it as everything is a no for me, but a yes for everyone else, as he'll go out of his way to figure out how to do something for someone else, but for me, he's usually unavailable or simply doesn't want to do it (whatever "it" is). On a side note, I was happy that he rearranged things to be able to have dinner with my parents tonight, but even then, it was more for my parents than for me.


In my opinion, we haven't had a proper conversation in months, if not longer than that. I stay back here on my laptop in the dining room, and all I see is the back of his head in the living room. Any dialogue is made to the back of his head -- at most, the side of his face if he's being generous with pulling his attention away from whatever it is he's doing to talk back to me. I feel like I rarely know if he's actually listening to me.

So obviously, I'm very concerned for us in this regard. And he really doesn't give me any chance to have a proper conversation with him as he's constantly distracted. If we go out to eat, I have to try to find places that don't have TV, and even then, sometimes he'll be on his phone.


For lent several years ago, he gave up gaming. I gave up unnecessary internet, like FB. For me, it was wonderful and fruitful. For him, he felt nothing aside from absolute boredom. He wasn't particularly fulfilled by the extra time we spent on/with each other. And I was very hurt by that.

As much as I try to explain, I don't think he realizes how much this affects me, and our relationship. The lack of communication is hurting us, and I can't communicate that with him. So I'm stuck.



Getting all that written out helped a little bit, but I still feel tension in me that makes me not want to go to bed. But I'm tired, and staying up doesn't benefit me in any way.

Final thoughts of the night: both of us need to make God and us more of a priority in our lives.

Chores.

We're a week in to the new year. Aside from the minor frustration of writing 2014 instead of 2015 on things (this is where I am very thankful I'm no longer in school, as homework assignments and tests provide too many opportunities to mess up), we've been reminded at how difficult it is to keep up with chores without the absolute authority of parents to tell us what to do.

To be fair, we were actually going pretty good at the beginning of the week, as most people are with things they just start. What's sad to me is that we rarely can keep anything new going for more than a couple of days. BUT, we haven't given up, and we try to continue to do things as we remember or are able to.

We already planned to have to make adjustments to our "resolutions." So I'm actually not too discouraged.

So far this week, I've only cooked twice. Sunday we went out to dinner with Yubo's parents, which is usual. I wanted to plan something on Sunday nights anyway just in case. Monday, I made my classic scrambled eggs with rice and soy sauce. Yubo made the rice; I was so proud of him. I also made the mini chicken pot pies I had planned for Sunday. Tuesday was ill-planned; I was tired and starving after work, and simply didn't want to cook, so I picked up some fast food on the way home. The planned fried rice got bumped up to last night. I ended up not liking it, so Yubo has some leftover for lunch and dinner today. I'll be out late, so I'll have to figure out food for myself -- probably bologna sandwiches.

In any case, we've still saved quite a bit of money this week by eating at home. Cereal for breakfast, and leftovers or sandwiches for lunch. At least for me.... I have no idea what Yubo's been eating these past few days.

As far as the chores go, I'm realizing just how tired and unmotivated I am when I get home from work, so I'll have to rethink the schedule. I was trying to not have to do all the big things in one day, but I'm thinking that's what's going to have to happen. And we'll have to make further adjustments as Yubo's work gets into full swing. He just left for his first job a little while ago. The other thing was that I was hoping to wake up much earlier to tackle some chores before work, but Yubo's been fighting me again with going to bed so late.

Ugh. Sleep. That should be a "Struggles..." entry.

Happy New Year!

Man, it sure is easy for this blogging thing to get away from you. I guess it's a bit difficult when everyday life is just everyday life. I know 2014 was difficult for several people. It was for us. And I know often in life, you get those times when you just don't really want to talk about it anymore. Although I'll usually come back to this for big events or something that weighs heavy in my heart, I feel like I spent most of 2014 absorbed in life, and trying to absorb myself in things to help me take a break from life.

Anyway, we've thought up some things that we'd like to try this year.

Actually, it was just me. I told Yubo, "I want to be a proper housewife!"

"Uh.... ok," was his lackluster response.

Basically, as I was sitting here at my laptop, looking around our living room, I decided that I'm tired of living like college students. Of course, now that I'm older and a bit wiser (read lazy), I'm not going to try to do a huge overhaul.

I told Yubo that I wanted to maintain a proper household, but I would need his help. These aren't things that are new to us -- we've tried before. But I think this time I won't have such ambitious expectations; rather, I'm trying to approach this change in lifestyle more realistically.

Firstly, we brought back a daily/weekly chore list. With both of us working part-time, I think this will be more manageable than when Yubo was working 60+ hours a week, and I was miserable and unmotivated at home. We're a couple days into the test week, and although some things have slipped already (mostly due to holiday things), it seems what we have might work out for us. Of course, we'll see when I start work again and Yubo starts the new semester along with new work.

Secondly, I'm going to try meal planning again. I've planned dinners for the next two weeks. My goal is to continue on no matter how many times I might drop a night.

And that's really it so far. As we get going, and get a better idea of what our schedules will be like, I'd like to bring back date nights.

Finally, for me, I've found myself waking up naturally around 8:15-8:30am. However, I would just stay in bed and fall back asleep for another couple of hours. I would like to bring myself to getting out of bed and doing things as soon as I wake up, like making breakfast or working out (I'm laughing inside at myself for that last bit). In any case, I want to try to do things to keep me moving and energized, because it's been so cold lately that I haven't wanted to do anything.

In other things, people are getting engaged, married, and having babies. I still find myself lacking in any desire to have children. When I do think about it, only two reasons come to mind: 1) for my parents, and 2) to force Yubo to quit smoking. And I can't help but feel that those are two very inadequate reasons to bring a baby into this world. I mean, sure, they can be reasons, but not the sole reasons... and right now, that's all I've got. And in any case, I still stand by my belief that if God wants us to have children, He will make it happen.

In other other things, I've been entertaining the idea of writing creatively again. But you know... that lack of motivation... and not wanting to pull myself in too many different directions. I think it'll always be in the back of my mind, and we'll see if I ever do anything about it.

So that's where we're starting 2015. Not especially good, but also not particularly bad. And I think that's perfectly ok.

Can't catch a break.

Work for both of us has increased. That's a good thing and a not so good thing.

It's been worse for Yubo than me, as the nature of our respective jobs would dictate. Yubo is currently in the middle of working on the re-piping of an entire house... something like a $17,000 job. He was already nervous that it might cut into our vacation time, but today, we cancelled the trip.

The help that he was counting on having flaked out, several times. And when the shop finally did send him some help, it was from the least experienced apprentice who actually created more work for Yubo. Apparently, this kid slipped while cutting dry wall, and broke a sink. So now he's not relying on anyone else, and has resigned himself to working on this by himself probably into Tuesday. But cancelling the trip is better, so now he doesn't feel pressured to meet a deadline, and can pace himself to work safely and efficiently with less stress.

The good news is that the room that we booked is easily high in demand (a 3-bedroom penthouse in Vegas), and so we will more than likely get our points back as long as the room gets picked up.

I've already arranged with both jobs that I won't be available, so I'm going to keep it that way so I can be available for Yubo.

For me, we continue to get more busy with new members and gigs, which is really good. And we've hired a new coach that can perhaps help share the load.... but he's also the sole piano and guitar teacher for the lessons we're offering in April, so I anticipate his schedule will fill up really quickly just from that. I do still have several students that keep things enjoyable and fruitful and worth it for me, so I'm not quite burnt out yet. But the mini-vacation sure would have helped.

Depending on when Yubo's done with his job, maybe we can just do an overnight thing somewhere closer just as a refresher.

The excuse for the vacation was my birthday, but really, it was to give Yubo a break. He always needs one, and days off spent at home aren't enough.

Say "I love you"

That's actually the English title of a manga that I enjoy reading (it's a cute anime too).

But that's not what I'm here to talk about. I have over an hour before I need to head off to work, so I figured I might as well do another update while I'm thinking about it.

I have resolved to tell Yubo I love him at least once a day. I'm actually not really doing this for any particular reason. I don't expect this to accomplish anything miraculous. I just felt the need to say it in words at least once a day, even if it's in a stupid way. And actually, it is almost always in a stupid way.

Now, I realized that in the past, the only times I would really say it seriously was when we were in an argument. And I was usually crying a river, and my face was covered in snot. Not usually the way you want to hear that someone loves you. And it's certainly not a good thing when "I love you" ends up being followed with "but."

So I wanted to redeem all those angry "I love you"s, even if it's done in a silly way... because silly is better than angry, even if it's not quite so romantic.

For instance, last night Yubo bought a box of Choco Taco from the market. This afternoon, I texted him, "I love Choco Taco and I love you."

Of course, I enjoy romance. Why else would I be addicted to shoujo manga? But for some reason, I can't be romantic with Yubo at all. I get super self-conscious and embarrassed, and so I'll ruin moments with a joke or a stupid face or something. But I told Yubo, and this is true, that it's because I think I'm a joke. I'm still very not confident in myself, and I'm not confident about being with Yubo (even though we're married, and he's stuck with me whether he likes it or not... too bad). So when I imagine Yubo gazing lovingly at me, I laugh. It's an absurd picture in my mind. And it probably will be until I see myself as healthy and fit, and Yubo's ideal girl like I was close to back in college and when we first moved up to WA.

Wait. That's a lie. I was not healthy and fit 8+ years ago. I was just skinny.

And he can tell me I'm beautiful all he wants, but it won't do much if I don't believe it myself. And that's a whole other thing that I won't get into on this blog.

ANYWAY

Sorry for the tangent.

I don't want my joke of a self-image get in the way of letting Yubo know that I really do love him. And so, working with my joke of a self-image, I want to continue to tell him. Because my love for him certainly isn't a joke. (Ha.... sorry..... that was so lame and cheesy.)

This was sparked by a lot of things. To think morbidly first, as I usually do, there are several stories out there where people regret the last things that were said to a person before that person passed away... that they fought that day, or that they never once said they loved them, or that they simply didn't say it that one day when they usually do. Whatever sob story you want.

The other thing was that, I didn't realize how frustrating it could be for someone to never hear it said outright. I personally was never too bothered, I don't think. My parents didn't say it very often.... just occasionally.... but I just knew, mostly because they're my parents. I understood their love through their sacrifices.

But when dealing with someone you are not related to, and instead are romantically interested in and involved with, you don't have that same luxury. Words are powerful. And if something is not said outright, it can easily be denied.

Of course, I'm not just throwing the words out there. I try to support them with actions so that they're not empty. But I'm feeling more and more that the two go together. Saying "I love you" and showing "I love you." If I could do all that with full meaning to my cats, I really should be able to do the same with my husband.

Happy New Year!

That's pretty much it. LoL. I actually have to run off to work, but I do have an entry in my head that I'd like to try to post tonight.

Teaser: Yubo keeps getting injured.

Also, we changed the title of the blog (again) because we felt that 1) it suits us very well, and 2) it seems to make sense for a couple's blog title.

......the end.

-----------------------

Oops. Totally forgot about this.

Well, now it isn't quite the situation it was at the time, obviously.

What happened was, in the span of about a week, Yubo fell and got whiplash while playing basketball, and had to have what was basically eye surgery to remove a piece of metal something that got lodged into his eye during work.

The eye thing was the worst. He went to a workers' comp clinic, and even he was nervous that it seemed those doctors/nurses didn't know what they were doing. He said they were being overly cautious, which he feared would actually make things worse.

But fairly long story short, they ground down his eyeball to free up the object, and thank God, it all healed up without a problem.

God's Faithfulness in Cali.

From the last entry, we were about to start apartment and job hunting. A lot has happened in those three months.

Apartment Hunting
I did lots of searching online, and we drove around several areas in Orange County that we thought might work out. Yubo really wanted to start off at the Mike Diamond shop he had started in, so it really limited where we would live.

Also, Yubo had committed to being on a friend's basketball team that plays every Sunday, so that made it feel like we had to stay south also. Oh, the arguments that decision caused (perhaps in another "Struggles..." entry).

When we realized that all the apartments in our price range placed us in fairly scary neighborhoods, Yubo finally let me drag him to some places outside of OC. Long story short, we ended up in La Verne in a newly remodeled apartment at a great price that accepted cats, in a clean neighborhood across the street from City Hall, and most importantly, across the street from an In-n-Out.

Really, we were pretty amazed at how great the area was. Several things within walking distance (movie theater, market, food). I don't really like that it's also across the street from a high school, but thankfully we don't really get caught up in that traffic.

The apartment is roughly 30-40 minutes from either set of parents, so the option to visit is made easier. I'm personally still not quite there yet, but it helps to not be able to make distance an excuse.

Job Hunting
Yubo really didn't need to hunt, but to be honest, it would have been much better if he didn't put off getting a job. But after some phone calls, he got an interview and was hired at the Pomona shop, just 20ish minutes away from the apartment.

Job hunting was obviously worse for me, and for some reason, Yubo didn't realize how long it would take me to get a job, thinking I'd quickly be the steady income we'd need.

But thankfully, the Lord once again provided. I got hired as a front desk person at a vocal coaching studio, and I've been really excited about it. As of this post, I just had my first day of work yesterday, and the grand opening of the studio is this weekend, after which I start an actual schedule. It's only part time, but the pay is fairly good, and since it's a new studio, there's loads of room for growth. My boss even said that everyone she hired, she considered everyone's potential to do something more.

The financial struggles have been a bit staggering. We've received so much help from both sets of parents that I actually resorted to asking friends, which, of course, really worried them. Yubo ended up asking his parents again, and I let my friends know that what we needed more was prayers (which I'm sure we got an outpouring of, and it totally helped).

We're (very) slowly but surely getting on our feet. Just hoping we can get to a point where we're saving again, and then hopefully we can repay our parents even a little bit of what they've given us during this time. We just feel like, being able to pay them back something will be the marker that shows we're ok now.

Church
Mostly because of Yubo's basketball thing, we've settled on staying at his old home church. I'm still a bit reserved about it because everyone's known Yubo since he was born. The church seems smaller than Lighthouse, and so it seems everyone knows everyone. If you're new, you stick out like a sore thumb, and it's a bit overwhelming for someone as shy as I am...... especially when Yubo leaves me alone to socialize with his old friends.

Before we moved, I was telling Yubo how I thought it'd be good for us to just be regular congregation members for a while. With how involved I was at Lighthouse, I had realized it had become a bit difficult for me to stop working at church, and simply worship when I wasn't assigned to do anything. So I thought the break would allow us to regain that aspect of a Sunday morning.

When that first Sunday came, I already missed Lighthouse, and I missed serving. I was scared that I couldn't just plug in to Anaheim because of how close their congregation is, and they don't know me. I think my laments finally got to Yubo, because he set us up to talk with the head and associate pastors.

We had those "meetings" just recently. Dinner with P.Shin last week was fun. It was a really good "getting to know you" conversation, and helped me feel more at ease with the thought of being at Anaheim. Learned fun little tidbits too, like how P.Shin was roommates with P.Wayne at one point.

Lunch with P.Nancy before then was very fulfilling. We talked with her about what we did at Lighthouse, and she was very keen to see how we could be used at Anaheim. She was so excited, in fact, that Yubo and I were a bit scared (aside from our own excitement) at how quickly and to what degrees we might be able to serve.

Yubo actually hasn't determined how committed he would be. With work and basketball already, he thinks he'd probably stick to the occasional special request, like this morning's story reading.

I, on the other hand, feel the need to be about as involved as I was with Lighthouse. I gained so much from P.Keith and his teachings and training, and I still really want to be a worship director. Well, at Anaheim, that might happen much sooner than I thought. The current worship directors are planning to be missionaries in Japan within the next few years. My mind is pretty blown at how beautifully God set this all up.

Anyway, I feel like I can't say much yet since nothing's really set. But I'm excited to see where this all goes. I want to put to use all these things God has given me and taught me.

Family
Just a quick blurb about this. I certainly don't see an immediate resolution to this, but as God strengthens my heart, it seems He's been softening my dad's. I feels it's been more stressful than necessary, as my sister and my mom push me to reconcile, and I keep having to tell them that this is a process I have to go through. No, it's not as bad as what happened between him and my sister, but that doesn't mean it's automatically easier.

I feel like what they want to happen with me regarding my dad is what I feel my dad expects every time he asks about my weight. I'm sorry I haven't lost 60 lbs since the last time we talked last month. I'm sorry I'm not automatically skinny again as soon as you ask the question.

Obviously, I know that's not what he really expects, but that's how it feels. And actually, I'm not sure I can say that's not what my sister and mom expect. But anyhow, I know God's working on that too. And I also have the support from Yubo and his parents.



I think that's about where we're at. Whoever still reads this, thanks for wanting to keep up. And of course, please keep those prayers coming.

The struggles we've overcome: Moving back to Cali

Well, Yubo is out with friends for a bit tonight, so I will use this opportunity to write about this new chapter in our lives.

Forgive me for this long post -- I'm too lazy to separate it out into separate posts.

The Decision
A LOT of prayer went into this decision, at least on my part. Yubo had been wanting to move back down to Cali for a long time... probably as soon as work started going downhill. So he was just waiting on me to agree. I suppose, in that sense, there was also quite a bit of prayer coming from his side as well.

During a slightly tense conversation in the car concerning the matter, God went ahead and told me to go. Despite Yubo being a bit freaked out by my very sudden change of heart, we started talking more seriously about what it would take to move.

This was fairly early last year, and we were thinking we'd end up moving in November of 2012. Thankfully, that got pushed off to spring of 2013. It was still coming too fast for me, but we had more time to prepare ourselves.

Packing and Goodbyes
Unfortunately, that bit of extra time was not enough. Or I caught Yubo's procrastination bug.

The couple weeks leading up to our move day were difficult. Friends were trying to find time to see us one last time, but almost none of them were able to come over to help us pack and clean. Two friends came over and helped us with the living room and dining area. One came and helped with the majority of the kitchen.

Then a few people from a small group came the night before our move date to help us load the truck. We weren't ready for them, and despite the help, we ended up with even more work to do after they left. In a rush to clear off the big items for them to load, we were just throwing things around and packing boxes without thought. And since I was busy cleaning and packing, I couldn't direct them on where to put things in the truck; we ended up taking time to rearrange everything the next morning.

The day of our move, I had originally scheduled us to leave the house between 8 and 10am. That was impossible. We woke up early to tackle what we had left. I tried to comfort myself with the thought that we could check into our first resort late, and just not spend as much time in Oregon as I had wanted. (More about that later.)

Instead, the first half of our day was spent tossing everything that looked remotely important into boxes, taping them up, and almost literally (or literally, in some cases due to Yubo's frustration) throwing them onto the truck.

I tried to not regret those last hangouts and meals, and wondering, if they wanted to spend time with us, why couldn't it be at our house helping us? Dangerous thoughts. And I'll be honest: I was getting a touch irritated by all the, "You guys decided not to go, right?" But we somehow got through it.

Unfortunately, getting through it ended up in a very messed up house. We left so much stuff, and we felt horrible every second, thinking of what we were asking of our realtor to take care of. But we had to leave.

We didn't leave the house until about 6:30pm -- we weren't going to get to the resort until midnight....

First Stop: Depoe Bay
Scratch that. We didn't get to the resort until 3am. Why? We spent a bit of time at Fred Meyer stocking up a new cooler with drinks and ice, and getting other things to help us survive the trip.

Amazingly, we stayed fairly positive once we got on the road (aside from the massive amounts of guilt from what we left behind).

Downside of Depoe Bay was that our room didn't have a jetted tub as advertised -- the one thing I was looking forward to the most. Oh well. Yubo got a much-needed shower -- not saying he smelled bad, but he said he felt gross.

We reassessed our schedule, and slept.

Oregon Outlets
Somehow, Yubo had no idea about the lack of sales tax, so I felt the need to enlighten him. We were fairly close to an outlet, and Yubo needed shoes that didn't leak. So as soon as we checked out of the Depoe Bay resort, we decided to hit the stores.

First was breakfast at an adorable place called Beach Dog Cafe, recommended by someone at the front desk at the resort. SO GOOD! And it certainly made the drive worth it. We decided we will want to eat here again whenever we're in the area.

The retail therapy at the outlets really helped. A belt and a pair of shoes for each of us, he got a hoodie, and I got a pair of jeans.

We spent more time shopping than we should have, but we were still feeling good. Oh... little did we know....

Mini stop: In-n-Out, Redding
We were determined to have In-n-Out as our first meal in California. Since we had left late, it was just about a race to get there in time before they closed. And we barely managed, rolling up at 1:20am.

You'd be entertained if you saw the comments on my FB. Our friends were rooting for us to get to In-n-Out in time. LoL. But it honestly helped us stay humorous about the whole ordeal. And we made it. And it was delicious. And we moved on.

Second stop: Windsor
Yubo struggled to decide what we should do. We were going to get to the Windsor resort so late. Would it be worth it? We already spent the points on it (and it was a lot of points). Well, the cost of the room cinched it for him, and he decided to push on.

This was a time where we really got confirmation that God was with us during this trip. We got bits before, but this "coincidence" was too clear.

Yubo wanted music to help keep him awake, but being in the area we were in, it was hard to get a clear station. After a quick prayer, the radio scan stopped on a station, and praise music floated from the speakers. The very first station was a Christian station. LoL.

At some point, it fizzled out. So I plugged in my phone to listen to the music on my playlist. Even though a good 70% of my music is alternative and rock, it wasn't doing much to keep us awake. So I switched to worship music, and I instantly perked up, wide awake as I sang praises to God. Yubo said he felt a bit more awake also.

We didn't pull into the resort until 6:30am. It was the roughest part of the drive. Poor Yubo was so tired, but he was absolutely awesome. And God's support was so comforting.

Final leg
We slept in as long as we could until checking out around noon. Got some Burger King, and topped off the ice in our cooler (our cooler is seriously super great). The new struggle for Yubo was not being able to find his precious blue Full Throttle. It was getting pretty ridiculous how difficult it was to come by.

Anyhow, we continued on. We actually made more stops than we thought we would. Yubo was really starting to feel the drain of the trip. His right knee and hip were really starting to bug. Because of that, an 8-hour final drive turned into something more like 10- or 11-hour drive. My math is probably off, but we didn't get into Anaheim until midnight.

Going back to our very original plan, we were supposed to arrive at something like 6pm.

Then there was the awkwardness of FIL deciding to put us in a hotel room for a week, instead of the bedroom at the house with the cats. At that point in the trip, all I had wanted was to be with my cats, so I was really bummed that wasn't happening anymore.

It's ok. I got over it. The sleeping/living arrangements actually are working out quite well. We are working on reintroducing the cats properly, and it looks like it might work. If not, we'll have another chance when we move again.

We're here
We've been having to do a little bit of reminding people that we're here for a few years at least. This is not a vacation; you do not have to try to see us and hang out this week. We still have a load of work to do, like sorting through those unmarked boxes of crap that got thrown onto the truck.

But my dad has confirmed that he would prefer us in Northridge, with the understanding that if Oceanside provides Yubo with a better job opportunity, we can start there if we want; I would help with the store down there for little to no pay so that we stop losing so much money through that store.

And the idea really isn't to make me take over a store. My dad said if we can support ourselves well enough without the store, that's better for all of us. So that's the goal.

The apartment hunting officially starts tomorrow, and Yubo will see what info he can get about the plumbing shops in both locations to see what's better.

We continue to rely on God to guide us, and appreciate the continued prayers.

5 Days.

The guy from the pet moving company came about an hour ago and took my babies away. They seem to be in good hands though. You could really tell the guy loves animals, and he handled them well.

So now it's really starting. The kids are on their way down to Anaheim. We can now leave doors open and really get cleaning and packing without worry.

Another sad thing was that we had to bolt out of our going away party at the church office because the guy got into the area a few hours before we expected him. Thankfully, God is good, and we managed to get home just in time. Literally. He was driving up the road right in front of us.

But it was a good party. Great food. Great company. Counterpoint got to sing.

Now we're taking a bit of a breather before we head off to a prayer night.

Things are, for the most part, continuing to come together. I might end up donating or throwing out a whole lot more of my inventory than I wanted, but Yubo says that's ok. We're starting over... sort of.... I really learned my lesson regarding inventory, and now I can start off in a better place (hopefully).

Two weeks.

Stress is on the rise as we get closer and closer to our move date.

Yubo has officially quit his job, but is taking the rest of tonight and tomorrow as a mini vacation before he throws himself into all the hard work of getting everything ready to move.

I'm a bit stressed as I try to figure out how to hang out with all the people that want to hang out before we leave, and still have time and energy to pack and clean. Our last two Saturdays up here are already filled with parties. We have a few more dinners with some people sprinkled through the remaining weeks.

It's really awkward how hanging out with friends can almost be stressful. Like a wedding reception.... or how the last few days of a trip home, everyone wants to try to hang out one last time.

I'm sure we'll get everything done. Although we've accumulated more things living in this condo, it's still fairly small, so we haven't really added all that much. I'm excited for the things I can throw out or donate. I am concerned of the cost of fixing things up enough to make it sell-able though (e.g. the window blinds that the cats chewed through to gain access to the sill).

Need lots and lots of prayer that we can take things a step/box/room at a time without feeling overwhelmed, and actually get everything done in a timely fashion.

Moving and growing.

I'm not sure if I already wrote about this, but we've settled on moving together, and living together at his parents' until we find our own place (which hopefully won't take much longer than two weeks). This drastically lowers moving expenses, and solves what we thought would be two weeks of living apart down in Cali (if I were to start working at the store immediately, I would have stayed with my parents' in order to commute with my mom every day).

Everything is coming together fairly smoothly, for the most part. The "jokes" from friends that we've changed our minds continue. Sometimes I'm not in the mood for them anymore, but I try not to get too bothered or annoyed because I know that we're very much loved up here, and it's pretty obvious all the reasons they would want us to stay. But we trust that God will provide in our absence, since He is the one that's calling us away.



An interesting, disturbing, and dramatic thing happened a few days ago. I had a bit of a breakdown over our finances, and briefly entertained thoughts that I really shouldn't have about how to help bring us more income. Then I had the brilliant idea to share my thoughts with Yubo, and how worthless I felt because I wouldn't be able to help in those ways even if I wanted to.

He rightly got upset with me.... very upset with me. And we had a very long, tense, emotional talk.

I think it was the first time we've ever ended a talk with something productive, and feeling closer to each other. It almost ended as usual, with him going out for a cigarette, and us feeling very tense toward each other with everything unresolved. But when he came back in, saying he was going to go to bed, I asked for a hug, and he held me. We apologized to each other. And we finished our talk with how to move forward.

I must say, I'm quite proud of us. It's taken us just under three years (of marriage; 8 years of being together) to learn how to end a conflict constructively. I just hope we can remember what we did, learn from it, and maintain a healthier approach to our future conflicts. Our next small group meeting, we'll be talking about conflict. Hopefully we'll be able to store up valuable nuggets of information and wisdom from the older couples in our group.

God is so good at laying out the perfect opportunities for us to use to equip ourselves for future battles.

Amends and amendments.

Just letting you all know that, once again, we are ok. The beer worked. LoL! Just kidding.

We talked. Truths were shared (praise God for that) rather than just saying what the other wanted to hear. And we've re-established Wednesday nights and Saturdays as times for "us." But this time, the time won't be scheduled talks and check-ins. They'll be date nights and time we're setting aside for each other to be with each other. And this will help me not be so greedy with his time the other days, because I'll know that I can look forward to and expect Wednesdays and Saturdays.

We already had our first date in a very long time this past Wednesday. We went to see The Hobbit. It would've been a much better experience if Yubo hadn't needed a cigarette right before the movie, but his e-cigarette hasn't been doing him very well. I will say, however, that I greatly appreciated that he was trying it.

There's just something outside of the nicotine that has him that the e-cigarette just isn't enough, and he doesn't know (or won't tell me) what it is. In any case, it's keeping him from actually wanting to quit.

So I'll keep praying for him, and try my best to be patient. I'm just REALLY hoping that it doesn't take me having a baby to get him to quit. (Please note that I certainly will not have a baby just for this purpose, so don't worry about that.)

Now, we just continue to hammer out the details for this darn move.

Beer makes all things better?

I called him while I was at the market, and was relieved that, 1) he answered his phone, and 2) he didn't sound angry/upset/annoyed.

So the entertaining thing to me is, whenever I want to make amends with him, usually the first thing I do is buy him a beer. More often than not, it's a can of Sapporo; but sometimes I'll "splurge" on a case of Sam Adams. When I say "sometimes," I think this is only the second time it's happened.

I'm not sure how a beer became my go-to peace offering. I suppose part of it is me trying to be more open-minded about beer in general, which, although I have a ways to go, I've come pretty far in my views and feelings toward the stuff. And the other is that I understand to some degree how much Yubo enjoys a cold beer after a long day at work..... or something to that extent that media has embedded into our brains.

Why can't that be done with water or some other liquid? I have no idea. But whatever. I've learned that he is no longer a college frat pledge (or did he actually join?) that drank to get drunk. And watching videos of brewers showing how to appreciate a beer helps open my eyes further to this other side of alcohol.

Anyway, all that aside, I'm also trying my best to learn more about the things he enjoys, and respect them (if they're respectable), and show him that he's important to me. So I guess my way of doing that is a peace offering that involves something that I'm not entirely comfortable with, and showing that I'm willing to put forth the effort.

We talked.

Sometimes I want to say, "Lord, stop stirring things up and making trouble!" LoL. But I know it's good.

I stopped Yubo before he fired up the Xbox, and I poured out my heart (and eyes) to him. I really didn't mean to cry, and I feel really bad about it. But I said the things I felt needed to be said and asked, and he gave me honest answers.

The bulk of everything unanswered boiled down to, "When we ask God for things, how much to we really mean it?" and, more importantly, "What do we really want?"

I told him that I'm not at the point yet where I'm really ready to hand over my entire life to God, but I do want MORE of Him. I'm giving Yubo more time to think it through, but told him I wouldn't let up and would ask him again tomorrow or in a few days.

I think he's upset.... and I'm trying to not be hurt by that, because it tells me that this is important.

Despite the very obvious tension right now, I feel ok. This is a big step in our faith, that apparently God thinks we're ready for. And I guess I have peace that we'll come out on the right side of this. Of course, I'll continue to pray about it. And I would certainly appreciate your prayers for us as well, dear reader.

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And of course, this is the devotion I find when I finally check my email: http://www.proverbs31.org/devotions/good-wife-2013-02/

I think I got it.

Following up from my previous post, I think we will always be in an "either/or" situation, and can't be in an "and."

"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." (Matthew 6:24)

Either the things we do glorify God, or they don't. Either we serve God, or we serve ourselves.

It really is a big cost to follow Jesus. And, as you can see in my previous post, we try too hard to blend things. I was trying too hard to allow Yubo this thing, when actually, he was probably pretty close to being right on when he said he should sell his games and consoles.

I recognize that games can do some good for him. The ones he chooses to play usually involve a lot of tactics and strategy. They use his brain, make him solve problems, and in some online forums, have him work with other people as a leader or a follower.

The problem comes when he might have an inkling that I was already having a problem with his gaming again, and that I was feeling separated from him, and still games for four hours straight without checking on me as I sat in the bedroom with the door closed, ignoring my crying cats. I was feeling so horrible that I was hoping I could blame the birth control for a mood swing. Or that I was just being my usual sensitive self because I just watched the latest episode of "Smash." I didn't break down into a puddle of tears, but I did cry.... a couple of times.

I could say that I didn't expect a miracle to happen in the past 21 days, but actually, I did. My eyes were so opened. I really meant it when I said we've finally started to experience what God intends relationships to be. So of course I would be devastated to have that yanked away from me hours after we broke our fast, and just the day after we agreed to be better.

When I asked Yubo what it meant to him to "be better," he didn't answer me. I could tell he didn't want to restrict himself anymore. He was getting restless toward the end, but had made the effort to choose an entertainment we would enjoy together.

I didn't feel good going back to my daily routine before the fast. I watched a few episodes of anime over meals, but turned Pandora back on more often (until the streaming started getting wonky). But when Yubo came home and got on his game, I was checking FB every couple of minutes to see if someone else out there would acknowledge my existence -- maybe let me know that they missed me while I was gone. I was checking Instagram to see if I got any more likes from the pictures I posted, or if any of the people I followed posted something I would like, to get that tiny form of interaction.

Yet, there was Yubo, literally two feet away from me, and I couldn't talk to him. And when I say "couldn't," I'm using the correct word. I did not have the ability to. His headphones were on, his eyes and mind were focused on the task at hand, and it would go on like that for hours at a time with no let up -- no way to save and stop, too much action to just pause and interrupt his flow.

He explained to me that's just how the game is. He had tried to stop mid-mission after he had cleared one checkpoint, but when he came back to the game, it had closed itself, and he had to start from that first objective again. That much of a problem? Apparently so. And when I wondered if it would be a matter of choosing when to play games like that, where you can't easily save after just a few minutes of play, he started shutting down. His argument of never really having a weekend came up then.


When I was diagramming out my thoughts regarding "either/or" and "and," I saw that the options were basically telling me the same thing. In the free time that you have in a day, you can split your pie up amongst the things you want to give attention to -- yourself, your spouse, God. You can do them all, but only be able to give a little bit of time to each. If you want to give more time, you can spread them out over the week. So the free time on Mondays and Wednesdays could be dedicated to yourself. The free time on Tuesdays and Thursdays could go to your spouse. Weekends go to God.

But then look at how you're taking time away from God to do these other things. When I say that, I'm assuming that the other things don't really include God.

Of course, the proper way to do it would be to make sure God is involved in the times you dedicate to yourself and your spouse -- doing things that are actually glorifying Him. But that's not how we do things, especially in the times we dedicate to ourselves.

Yubo plays these games that aren't very wholesome -- they're violent, and they sometimes make his frustrated and angry (which, in my opinion, means he's taking it too seriously and is too invested).

I watch shows that can be vulgar at times in the comedy, or show relationships that aren't Godly.

It's fairly easy to see how to reconcile that, but it becomes obvious pretty quickly that we don't quite want to reconcile. And that is the real problem. We're choosing the wrong thing. Instead of wanting what is best for ourselves (in choosing God), we're choosing to take time away from God for the things that are not of Him. That's the big thing I was missing last night. We can't have an "and."

At some point, we really do have to make a firm decision: either God, or the world.

"And" or "Either/Or"

Once again, Yubo's games come up as an issue. :(

It's not horrible, mind you.

It's just.... having been through that amazing 21 days, I personally was shocked at how easily we both reverted back to our pre-prayer&fasting ways. Yubo said it wasn't shocking; I countered that it was saddening.

I really don't think we have to be in an "either games or quality time with each other and God" situation. I truly think Yubo (and we) can have both. But how?

Last night, we both agreed that we didn't do too well coming out of the fast. But apparently I felt it more than he did. Understandable -- I'm more emotional than he is, naturally. The difference was pretty stark to me though. I felt so separated from him, and feel the same tonight. (He got to come home early, and fairly quickly got to his game as I finished watching an anime episode over my late lunch.)

We engaged in a brief but deep conversation regarding the "benefits" I see the people around me receiving that are not from God (and so they are actually curses disguised as blessings leading people farther away from God). So that was neat, although it would have been nice to have prayed through that afterward.

But anyway, it came up again about how difficult Yubo's choice games make it to just save and quit. I can relate, somewhat -- being so frustrated running around looking for a save point but continually running into monster after monster, and then giving up and resigning to start all over again from a previous save. But that still feels like an either/or situation.

Yubo's frustration came out in the form of wondering aloud if he should just sell all his games and consoles. I certainly don't think he has to resort to that, but at the same time, he said he seemed to be fine without them these past 3 weeks. But was that because he knew they were still there for him to go back to? Was he really fine without them?

But that's still either/or! .....although I think that'd be good to know.

I suppose the best "and" situation would be some sort of limiter on games, so that time each night (or every other night, or weekend, or something) is actually dedicated to us and God.

His other complaint was not really ever having a weekend. He says he never really gets a chance to completely relax. There are always things to be done that have been pushed off. So that's usually, either he spends the whole day gaming ("relaxing"), or he runs errands with me, or he helps people from church.



I feel like I'm missing something big here. Something just doesn't feel right as I try to think these things through. Maybe I'm just thinking about it so much that I've gotten confused.

I'll take a break from this now, and pray about it later (or now....). My very few readers, if you have any insights on balancing these types of things in your life, I'd appreciate a few words just to possibly get a different perspective. I'm a different person now than I was before, so even if you've shared such things with me before, let's try again.

Prayer & Fasting: Days 20 & 21

It's become much easier to just be with each other, without trying to find distractions to fill the space between us. And we've just become emotionally closer (at least on my side).

Sunday was amazing. Second service was filled before we got there, and we were less than 5 minutes late. The congregation was so engaged, and I got to enjoy just being a part of the congregation. Personally, I was more engaged. I wasn't scared about worshiping out in the audience the way I do on stage... or at least closer to it. Prayers were moving, the message was enlivened. It was neat to see how many people stayed after for the luncheon to break the fast.



I will admit, Yubo and I did not do so great afterward. We went to Best Buy, and Yubo got a new game (always dangerous). I ate Taco Del Mar for lunch (since we didn't fast from food, and the soup and fruits from the luncheon, though delicious, weren't enough for me), and we got Mongolian for dinner.

I spent loads of time "catching up" on FB and Instagram. I was mixed about it. I decided I had two options: either take the night catching up, and then back off again; or ease back in slowly. I opted for the former, and I think that works better for me. Where I was mixed was having the feeling of needing to catch up in the first place. 

Yubo ended up playing his game until just after 1am, where we had been going to bed before midnight during the 21 days. I actually lost track of time because I was researching moving cost estimates.

I also made the mistake of not having my "Hosanna Radio" playing. So I have it on again now.

At the very least, we prayed before sleeping.


So we will see how we do today. Last night, we both recognized what we did, and resolved to be better.