Say "I love you"

That's actually the English title of a manga that I enjoy reading (it's a cute anime too).

But that's not what I'm here to talk about. I have over an hour before I need to head off to work, so I figured I might as well do another update while I'm thinking about it.

I have resolved to tell Yubo I love him at least once a day. I'm actually not really doing this for any particular reason. I don't expect this to accomplish anything miraculous. I just felt the need to say it in words at least once a day, even if it's in a stupid way. And actually, it is almost always in a stupid way.

Now, I realized that in the past, the only times I would really say it seriously was when we were in an argument. And I was usually crying a river, and my face was covered in snot. Not usually the way you want to hear that someone loves you. And it's certainly not a good thing when "I love you" ends up being followed with "but."

So I wanted to redeem all those angry "I love you"s, even if it's done in a silly way... because silly is better than angry, even if it's not quite so romantic.

For instance, last night Yubo bought a box of Choco Taco from the market. This afternoon, I texted him, "I love Choco Taco and I love you."

Of course, I enjoy romance. Why else would I be addicted to shoujo manga? But for some reason, I can't be romantic with Yubo at all. I get super self-conscious and embarrassed, and so I'll ruin moments with a joke or a stupid face or something. But I told Yubo, and this is true, that it's because I think I'm a joke. I'm still very not confident in myself, and I'm not confident about being with Yubo (even though we're married, and he's stuck with me whether he likes it or not... too bad). So when I imagine Yubo gazing lovingly at me, I laugh. It's an absurd picture in my mind. And it probably will be until I see myself as healthy and fit, and Yubo's ideal girl like I was close to back in college and when we first moved up to WA.

Wait. That's a lie. I was not healthy and fit 8+ years ago. I was just skinny.

And he can tell me I'm beautiful all he wants, but it won't do much if I don't believe it myself. And that's a whole other thing that I won't get into on this blog.

ANYWAY

Sorry for the tangent.

I don't want my joke of a self-image get in the way of letting Yubo know that I really do love him. And so, working with my joke of a self-image, I want to continue to tell him. Because my love for him certainly isn't a joke. (Ha.... sorry..... that was so lame and cheesy.)

This was sparked by a lot of things. To think morbidly first, as I usually do, there are several stories out there where people regret the last things that were said to a person before that person passed away... that they fought that day, or that they never once said they loved them, or that they simply didn't say it that one day when they usually do. Whatever sob story you want.

The other thing was that, I didn't realize how frustrating it could be for someone to never hear it said outright. I personally was never too bothered, I don't think. My parents didn't say it very often.... just occasionally.... but I just knew, mostly because they're my parents. I understood their love through their sacrifices.

But when dealing with someone you are not related to, and instead are romantically interested in and involved with, you don't have that same luxury. Words are powerful. And if something is not said outright, it can easily be denied.

Of course, I'm not just throwing the words out there. I try to support them with actions so that they're not empty. But I'm feeling more and more that the two go together. Saying "I love you" and showing "I love you." If I could do all that with full meaning to my cats, I really should be able to do the same with my husband.