I think I got it.

Following up from my previous post, I think we will always be in an "either/or" situation, and can't be in an "and."

"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." (Matthew 6:24)

Either the things we do glorify God, or they don't. Either we serve God, or we serve ourselves.

It really is a big cost to follow Jesus. And, as you can see in my previous post, we try too hard to blend things. I was trying too hard to allow Yubo this thing, when actually, he was probably pretty close to being right on when he said he should sell his games and consoles.

I recognize that games can do some good for him. The ones he chooses to play usually involve a lot of tactics and strategy. They use his brain, make him solve problems, and in some online forums, have him work with other people as a leader or a follower.

The problem comes when he might have an inkling that I was already having a problem with his gaming again, and that I was feeling separated from him, and still games for four hours straight without checking on me as I sat in the bedroom with the door closed, ignoring my crying cats. I was feeling so horrible that I was hoping I could blame the birth control for a mood swing. Or that I was just being my usual sensitive self because I just watched the latest episode of "Smash." I didn't break down into a puddle of tears, but I did cry.... a couple of times.

I could say that I didn't expect a miracle to happen in the past 21 days, but actually, I did. My eyes were so opened. I really meant it when I said we've finally started to experience what God intends relationships to be. So of course I would be devastated to have that yanked away from me hours after we broke our fast, and just the day after we agreed to be better.

When I asked Yubo what it meant to him to "be better," he didn't answer me. I could tell he didn't want to restrict himself anymore. He was getting restless toward the end, but had made the effort to choose an entertainment we would enjoy together.

I didn't feel good going back to my daily routine before the fast. I watched a few episodes of anime over meals, but turned Pandora back on more often (until the streaming started getting wonky). But when Yubo came home and got on his game, I was checking FB every couple of minutes to see if someone else out there would acknowledge my existence -- maybe let me know that they missed me while I was gone. I was checking Instagram to see if I got any more likes from the pictures I posted, or if any of the people I followed posted something I would like, to get that tiny form of interaction.

Yet, there was Yubo, literally two feet away from me, and I couldn't talk to him. And when I say "couldn't," I'm using the correct word. I did not have the ability to. His headphones were on, his eyes and mind were focused on the task at hand, and it would go on like that for hours at a time with no let up -- no way to save and stop, too much action to just pause and interrupt his flow.

He explained to me that's just how the game is. He had tried to stop mid-mission after he had cleared one checkpoint, but when he came back to the game, it had closed itself, and he had to start from that first objective again. That much of a problem? Apparently so. And when I wondered if it would be a matter of choosing when to play games like that, where you can't easily save after just a few minutes of play, he started shutting down. His argument of never really having a weekend came up then.


When I was diagramming out my thoughts regarding "either/or" and "and," I saw that the options were basically telling me the same thing. In the free time that you have in a day, you can split your pie up amongst the things you want to give attention to -- yourself, your spouse, God. You can do them all, but only be able to give a little bit of time to each. If you want to give more time, you can spread them out over the week. So the free time on Mondays and Wednesdays could be dedicated to yourself. The free time on Tuesdays and Thursdays could go to your spouse. Weekends go to God.

But then look at how you're taking time away from God to do these other things. When I say that, I'm assuming that the other things don't really include God.

Of course, the proper way to do it would be to make sure God is involved in the times you dedicate to yourself and your spouse -- doing things that are actually glorifying Him. But that's not how we do things, especially in the times we dedicate to ourselves.

Yubo plays these games that aren't very wholesome -- they're violent, and they sometimes make his frustrated and angry (which, in my opinion, means he's taking it too seriously and is too invested).

I watch shows that can be vulgar at times in the comedy, or show relationships that aren't Godly.

It's fairly easy to see how to reconcile that, but it becomes obvious pretty quickly that we don't quite want to reconcile. And that is the real problem. We're choosing the wrong thing. Instead of wanting what is best for ourselves (in choosing God), we're choosing to take time away from God for the things that are not of Him. That's the big thing I was missing last night. We can't have an "and."

At some point, we really do have to make a firm decision: either God, or the world.