Another Day Recap.

C/P from my personal blog again.

---

Slept in a bit today. Had Yubo run out to grab more eggs and such, and I made us scrambled eggs for breakfast. Made him run out again for some ingredients I was missing for the slow cooker beef stew I wanted to make for dinner. And now he's out again to get bread to eat with the stew. ^^;;;

Super lazy day. We went out for lunch, and ended up spending a good amount of time at Play 'n' Trade. Bought some games, including a DDR for the PS2 that we'll have to get a controller adapter for since we only have a PS3.

We also got Baldur's Gate so that I could actually play a game with him. We played a little when we got home. It's actually pretty fun, and I really like being able to enjoy a game with him.

I'm also very excited for Wednesday night as Carol invited me to an anime night. Yay! Yubo's welcome to come too, but this is something that I don't mind doing without him so I won't feel bad if he doesn't want to or can't join us. ^_^

I think playing that game with him really made me feel better. Before when I wanted to try, he simply told me that I wouldn't like any of his games and didn't give me a chance. I mean, I know I don't care for things like Halo or even Borderlands, but I still just wanted to try. So he finally let me try (even though we had to buy more games to give me a chance), and it really does make me happy. Maybe now we can have some night to play a game together and I won't feel so neglected when he wants to play on his own.

I'm actually pretty tired already. It's not even 11p yet, and we even slept in a bit. But it would be a good thing if I can be tired enough to fall asleep on my own if I have to, even though tomorrow is a work day and Yubo shouldn't stay up too late. But I think I'm learning to just leave it up to him and let him know that I understand that he's an adult and it's up to him whether he's going to act like one or not. And I'll just be irritated if it ends up affecting me as well.

In that way, with all this time to think and reflect on myself, I think I'm actually finding ways to loosen up and handle situations concerning Yubo in better ways. And that's really better for both of us.

Yubo's Curiosity.

I don't know if I mentioned, but the other day we dropped $3 for a chocolate bar that sounded disgusting to me, but Yubo was curious enough that he absolutely had to try it. This is what we go, and he tried it, and he's still eating it. Apparently, it's not that gross. French Toast and Tortilla Lime + Salt are the other two flavors we saw. Just when I thought chili was the strangest thing I would find in chocolate...

Recapping the Day.

C/Ping this from my personal blog because I mentioned some things that work here too.

---

Oof. Period Day 1 AND worship this morning. Yikes. It was a tough day for me. Already started off super cranky because I wasn't able to get to bed when I wanted to last night. Yubo didn't wake up on time, and so we ended up skipping breakfast (I grabbed myself a choco/pretzel bar, which I didn't eat until between services). For whatever reason, all the Motrin in the house disappeared so I was without pain meds. Yubo, in his not-nearly-awake-enough state asked me what I found an incredibly stupid question, so of course I kind of snapped at him. I heard him mutter, "This is going to be a long day," as I stalked off towards the car.

Luckily, it wasn't quite so bad. Right before prayer time, I gave him a hug. I don't know if he accepted it as the silent apology it was, but he seemed to perk up, which made me feel better. Thus, we survived another super early Sunday morning. It helped that we sang a really neat song that I really enjoyed singing.

During first service, Yubo ran off to get me some Motrin and Pamprin to help me get through the morning. He was kind enough to do that while I sat backstage.

Afterward, we went off to lunch at What the Phở. I don't usually care for phở as I prefer Chinese noodle soup with the big rice noodles, but as we haven't found a place that offers it the way I like it and Yubo likes phở, we went. Wasn't too bad. The warm soup calmed my body for a bit. I could see Yubo trying to contain his excitement when a fairly large group of Japanese kids came in and sat around us. Although it was fun for me to hear them flip between English (not Engrish) and Japanese, I found them a little too loud and irritating.

Yubo dropped me off to die on the couch while he went to fill the car with gas. I "napped" until about 6:00p, and I'm still feeling sleepy but I don't want to sleep too much.

Tonight I plan to make torikatsu because I happened to have bought some chicken yesterday, and before lunch Yubo mentioned he wanted katsu until we decided on phở. I also bought some beef chunks for beef stew which I can probably prepare in the slow cooker tomorrow.

I told Yubo after I woke up that I wanted to learn to play a game with him, one of his games. I said not Halo, or anything where I can fall down easily, because the one time I tried Halo with friends over, I killed myself within a few seconds of respawning. I guess it's tough because the games that he likes have such strange controls that are completely foreign to me. But even if I don't have much interest in his games, I want to try. Or maybe I can try a computer game with him that's not WoW or StarCraft.

I was reading a Chinese mànhuà called 1/2 Prince. It's set in the future and a new game gets released called Second Life. The person actually gets to experience the RPG world as their character, and they're only allowed one character to make it more realistic -- it's actually really neat. Anyway, the point I was getting to was the main characters parents also play the game and remain a couple. I just thought it was really cute. Since this kind of game interests both of us, I thought maybe we could do something similar.... although I'd probably drag us down since I'm not very good at games. I'd be scared if we had to join up with other members.

I suppose it's all I can think of to do to be able to spend more time with him without having to take his games away. If I play with him, I think it'll create another place where we can connect.

Suspicious Activity.

Although my sleep has been getting better, last night I didn't sleep well. Perhaps some sort of heart burn or acid reflux? So I fussed around and with Yubo's help, got myself settled with my sleep wedge. But I found myself awake at 2:15a, and the lights in the living room were still on.

I got out of bed to see what was keeping Yubo from coming to bed, and he wasn't in the house. Lights on, television on, his phone on the coffee table, radio in his basket. Saw that my car key was gone, but the door was left completely unlocked. So I decided to step outside to look around. My car was still there, so it's not that Yubo decided to take a quick run to the store. Then I saw him out by his truck.

Came back into the house and waited for him to return.

When I asked what he went out for, he told me that he was looking for a USB cable. Really? In your truck? At 2:15AM?

A little back story -- yesterday I spent a lot of time and frustration looking for two installation CDs for music programs that we bought a while ago, and lost a while ago. I wanted to see if what we installed onto the external hard drive would still work, but this laptop doesn't have the proper connection for the cable that was available at the time. Yubo asked me if it took USB, and I said it was mini-USB to USB. This happened fairly soon after he got home.

I think I mentioned before that I always get a little paranoid when he suddenly decides to go out to his truck really late at night right before bed. It's especially bad when the reason he gives is something like needing to check to see if he locked up the truck, or going to look for something that he thought he left in there -- all things that could have happened much earlier in the night, or that don't make a lot of sense to me.

So when he told me that he went to go look for a USB cable, and had my car key because he couldn't remember if it was in my car or his truck:

It's a USB cable. We have tons of USB cables all around the house. Why would you choose to go out to look for it in a car without searching at least the office first? And why does it have to be at 2:15AM? If you wanted to look for it, why didn't it happen when you asked if it took a USB cable earlier that night?

His actions were illogical to me, and because it's a hot button, it raised suspicion. So then my distrust kicked in. Isn't he spending a little longer washing up in the bathroom before coming to bed? His saving factor is that his hair doesn't smell like smoke, but has he finally found a way to completely hide it?

I'm scared because I've been putting a lot of stress on him, and can't help but continue to base things on the past because of my distrust, so I wouldn't put it past him to start smoking again and be better at hiding it from me. A prominent trait of his personality is that he likes to get away with things. And he's told me often that he will probably always feel even a slight craving for cigarettes. I appreciate the truth of that, but I really wish he wouldn't do such things that he knows are triggers to my paranoia.

I know that it hurts him incredibly that I don't trust him. And during a conversation just a few nights ago, I told him exactly the reason why it's so hard for me. I did trust him and I did believe in him, and he straight out lied to me. I trusted him and even gave him several opportunities to be honest with me, and each time he continued to lie to me. And it was twice that I actually caught him. I felt so betrayed. Perhaps if it didn't happen the way it did twice, I wouldn't be as bad as I am about it.

I try very hard to trust him again. But again I say it doesn't help at all when he acts so suspiciously. It also doesn't help that he probably thinks I'm being really dumb about all of this instead of actually trying to understand my feelings. I don't want him walking on eggshells, but I also don't want him to write off my concerns. I guess I feel like I'm trying my best to do what I can on my part on my own, and I feel that he's not really helping on his end like I need him to.

Update on Photos/Video

9/4/10: Hahaha. I completely forgot about finishing this post until I was searching for the entry to see when we went to Michael's.

---

Finally sent Taky what he needed to complete our video: music, pictures, etc. He said the video should be done in about two more months. My mom was complaining that my grandparents are waiting to watch it. Sorry! My own fault for being so lax in getting Taky what he needed. But I'm still really excited to see it. So, you know, we'll get it in time to watch on our anniversary. LoL.

No word from Sam about the photos, but my dad added to his work load. And of course, he has other weddings to work on. I wish he'd e-mail me back and let me know that he's getting my messages though.

We also finally went down to Michael's to get our red cloth framed. Agh.. it was so expensive, even with their 50% off. Even if we waited for a 60% off, it would still have been over $1000. It better look amazing. It should arrive in time for redecorating/rearranging the living room. Our sofa set is going to friends and our new recliner sofa will be in around 9/11 (or so the salesman said... he's only had one late delivery so far, so hopefully ours won't add to his numbers). We wanted to use the red cloth as a backdrop for thank you videos (instead of thank you cards -- trying to save on postage, and just wanted to do something a little different).

My dad actually said we should print out our favorite wedding photo and write on the back for thank you notes. That's a throw back to high school dance pictures. And I came up with the video idea really just to save on postage since we can email the video out and also attach a picture to the email. If we wanted to email a thank you note, I think that would be tacky, so a video would be a much nicer thing to receive.

Anyhow, it'll be a little ways until these things are completed, but it's a lot to continue to look forward to. ^_^

Making our way back up the hill.

I'm still learning to let go of the things that aren't so important. I'm not so bothered about breakfast anymore. The other morning, he was finally smart enough to ask me to make him something to go. Also, if he seems particularly tired, I simply won't make anything and let him sleep. I also won't press him as hard to be out of bed "on time."

I've been able to sleep without him, and because of that, I feel like I'm getting a better sleep. It seems if I simply stop relying on him for things that he doesn't necessarily need to be responsible for, it all works out better. It's less pressure on him and fewer expectations from me.

Probably the main thing that continues to frustrate me is his lack of response to my letters, notes, and our "discussions." I told him one night that everything still feels very one-sided; I still only know my side of things based on how I feel, what I think, and my own observations. I still don't know how he feels, what he thinks, what his opinions are about our relationship and where our lives are taking us together.

I noticed that when he does give input in a slightly heated conversation, he goes back to the same thing, even if it actually doesn't have much to do with the topic or the question I asked. He's frustrated that I don't do much with myself. But when he talks about the things that frustrate him about me, I can't help but feel that he still doesn't get me at all, even after 5 years. I told him so, and he actually agreed.

We've fallen into this very strange situation of knowing each other and not knowing each other at the same time. I don't know if it's some sort of unconscious refusal to really understand the other person, some sort of miscommunication or general lack of communication, lack of observation... I don't know. I think we're both still too young and immature.

I was a little offended when my dad told Yubo's parents that I was still too naive during an engagement meeting, but when I look at myself now, I think I have to agree. (I wonder if I mentioned this anywhere before.... but I've been thinking about it for a while.) And I think it's because I want this world to be more simple than it really is. I often hear myself say, "I don't understand why it can't just be like this," and, "Why is this so unnecessarily complicated?" Or actually that I kind of refuse the world -- I don't care to know anything about our government, politics, what's really going on in the world -- I kind of refuse everything that isn't in my immediate bubble.

Perhaps that's why I put way too much focus on Yubo. He's in my immediate bubble. In a sense, he is my world. I've been trying to make him simple and straightforward and easy to understand. But he's human. It's impossible for him to be like that. Even I'm not like that. So why can't I enjoy the person that he is? Why do I put so much weight to flaws and misunderstandings and hurt feelings?

To put it visually, I think Yubo's feeling constricted by my tight bubble and is trying to get a little breathing room. Because my world is so narrowly focused on him, I see his struggle as trying to get away from me, and I feel hurt. I know this isn't the case, but I suppose it's my narrow vision and insecurity that makes me feel like this.

There are so many ways that we can balance each other out and make each other better, but we fight it. All we're experiencing right now is that he's feeling stiffled and I'm feeling hurt. Both of our mindsets need a drastic readjustment. And perhaps this won't be as difficult as it may seem. It actually wasn't very hard for me to be okay sleeping without him. I still miss him during the day and feel neglected if we don't spend much time together when he's available, but it hasn't increased with not going to bed at the same time. I'm pretty positive it would decrease if we did every once in a while, but now I recognize that it's really not such a huge thing. What studies say and what other people do doesn't dictate what is best and what will work for us. So I think Yubo and I need to really recognize how we can balance each other, and try our best to let it happen. And I conclude that the biggest thing that needs to happen is that I need to let go of control more, and Yubo needs to be a little more supportive. What I mean on Yubo's part is that he's very throw you in the water so you can figure out how to swim on your own, which doesn't work at all for me. And I'm very you have to do this and this and this in this way in order to succeed, and that goes against everything that Yubo is.

But again, we'll find balance. Just as we have these ups and downs, there will be fluctations in everything in our lives. There's nothing that says that we have to either only roll with it or only try to minimize the waves. We can work together and to both.

ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ ~ 私はあきらめる!

To start off, I really love Japanese emoticons. Looking at that super cute, yet obviously frustrated face with hands thrown into the air allows me to pour most of my frustration into it; I can let it scream for me.

"I give up!"

But not really. I'll probably continue trying to do what I've been doing. But Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Am I insane? Maybe a little. I know I'm crazy about Yubo. HAHAHAHAHAHA........ sorry.

This morning is the third time the breakfast I made him has ended up in a bag in the fridge -- well, technically the second one was left on the counter. I seriously think that if he knows he's that tired, and I don't know how we wouldn't know it, he should decline when I ask him if he wants breakfast. Or, you know, I should just be smart and stop asking, waiting instead for when he's actually out of bed. The problem, though, with that is by the time he gets out of be, he needed to be out the door half an hour ago.

He set his alarm for 5:30a this morning. It is now 7:30a, and he is still in bed. He finally decided to tell me that he'll just need to reschedule his appointment. Can he really do that? Didn't they expect him to be there this morning? What lie is he going to come up with this time to cover his ass?

Although I say that I probably won't really give up, he makes me feel like I really need to. Not so much give up on him or anything dramatic like that, but I need to give up on my ideals. To some extent, that's probably the smarter thing to do since my ideals are probably quite unrealistic, especially when applied to someone like Yubo. But it's a little painful that he seems to refuse to even try to meet me halfway on things.

In the 5.5ish years that we've been together, it seems that very little to no progress has really been made on some issues -- the sleeping, gaming and lying in particular. I hate that these are the things that continue to come up. I'm tired of thinking about them as you're probably tired of reading/hearing about them. But unfortunately, they're still issues that are irritating enough to get in the way of things. Quitting smoking was a HUUUUGE accomplishment, but I think it's really time to not let the other problems hide behind this one big praise.

We've done several 1 step forward, 5 steps back. I guess you can still calculate that as progress somehow, but unfortunately, I'm not patient enough for that.

I'm really not trying to bash him here. I'm frustrated.... extremely frustrated.... but it's more that I'm looking for different ways to approach him. I've really distanced myself because it feels like I simply can't talk to him anymore. Well, not that I've ever really been able to when it's anything concerning what's going on between us. But I don't want it to continue like this. I don't want to feel like I should just stop putting in the effort to fix things one-sided, and allow him to continue on in his happy version of our relationship while I continue to deteriorate in my frustrations.

There are solutions out there. I know it. There are family and friends and counseling and books that we could turn to.

My sister told me that we really should work on just talking to each other, which actually is something we should work on. It seems like we don't really talk anymore, and it's not just because he's at work all the time or gaming all the time. A lot of "experts" say that communication is one of the key factors to the success of a relationship. I think I'm putting too much on the fact that we can't seem to talk about the important stuff, instead of making sure that we're still talking about the stupid things. Instead of engaging in nonsensical, unimportant but delightful converstion, I'm anticipating when he'll finally respond to my letter, for instance. My sister says that we need to get the flow of conversation more natural and free. If an issue happens to come up in conversation, treat it like anything else and just talk instead of making it such a big deal.

Yubo's parents advise that we should be spending more time together (though I told them that I will need them to tell him that instead of me at this point). They mentioned that one of the reasons why they're completely fine not going to bed at the same time (Dad typically goes to bed first while Mom stays up playing computer games -- probably where Yubo got it from) because they spend a lot of time together. To take it a little further in my observation, they're more secure in their relationship with each other than I am with my relationship with Yubo. That security is probably also another reason why Yubo can think we're ok when I don't. In this case, what really ought to happen is Yubo helping me get to that same place of security that he's at with us.

However, I maintain this feeling of, "He probably won't care enough to really give me the time and commitment to these things." He'll do things for and with me for very short periods of time before he simply moves back on to his own thing. Working out together lasted, I think, 3 days at the most. Going to bed together happened once or twice. Eating breakfast together during the week, perhaps the upwards of 4-5 days.

I especially am getting to where I can't handle that he probably thinks that the things I'm coming to him about are blown way out of proportion because I'm this sleep-deprived girl that probably has depression and gets especially more emotional and irrational once a month. I've actually gotten to where I almost convinced myself that I was crazy, and that the unhappiness I was feeling wasn't real at all. That I was the one creating the problems, and it was all in my head.

I gave up on the idea of going to bed together every night, or at least whenever possible. When he's in the office playing his game, he uses ear buds. With the living room lights off, and not much light being emitted from the office into the bedroom because of the floor plan, I can pretend he isn't home and manage to fall asleep by myself. It works. I've fallen asleep and stayed asleep for about 6hrs the past two or three nights. But when I think about it, it's really sad that I have to pretend that my husband isn't home in order to fall asleep. Why do I need to pretend I'm alone? Why do I miss him more when he's home than when he's at work?

I'm about to give up on making him breakfast anymore, and the thought of having meals together in the house has been long gone. So what else will I end up giving up? Praying and reading together? Showing more affection to each other? That just about completes my list of new-wife dreams, doesn't it?

I've been praying that God will put something on his heart about our relationship and how he's handling things. I know that he's not the only cause of problems, so I'm also praying that God will reveal things to me, and show me how to continue to love Yubo the way I should and not get so caught up in these issues. It's a sort of tunnel-vision that I'm suffering from. I can't seem to get my focus beyond these petty frustrations to see the bigger picture of our lives together. And I pray that God will show both of us the reality of our union -- not just my overly negative and pessimistic view, and not his up in the clouds optimism and ignorant bliss.

Yubo agrees that this song is very powerful, but I wonder if it's ever crossed his mind to apply it to us.

Making Negatives into a Positive.

One good thing that has come out of my inability to sleep is being able to provide Yubo with a decent breakfast. Since there have been a number of times when I would still be awake to hear his alarm go off in the bedroom, I took the chance to get him something to eat since he would usually rush out of the house and not eat until lunch.

It started about a week ago when I didn't get much sleep at all. He didn't have to clock in until 8am, and even then, there wasn't anything scheduled for him first thing. So in my wide-awake state at around 7am, I went off to Noah's Bagels and picked up a box of bagels. I got home with about 10 minutes to spare before his alarm went off, and prepared a bagel for him.

Since I had 6 more bagels left for him, it was easy for me to make for him on the mornings when I was up earlier than he was.

Yesterday was a frustrating morning. His alarm went off around 3ish -- it was a surprise to me. I checked on him and he asked me to wait for his next two alarms to go off. When I heard the third alarm, I prepared is bagel. He wouldn't wake up, and the bagel eventually was left on his nightstand for an hour. In a huff, I put his drink back in the fridge and put the untouched bagel in a zip-lock bag in the fridge. Shortly after a little more of my nagging (which I tried to not make nagging, but it just happened that way), he finally got up, grabbed his drink and bagel from the fridge, and left without a word.

Shortly after, I sent a text message to him apologizing for my nagging. I reminded him that it would be better if he would just give me a more accurate time for when he needed to be up, or else to tell me that it wasn't so important for him to be up at a certain time. I also told him that it hurt me that he left his breakfast untouched for so long.

On a side note, I've known this about myself for a while, but I don't think Yubo's really caught on yet. When I prepare a meal for him, I get very upset if he ends up leaving it to get cold. I guess preparing meals is my way of showing affection, and when he leaves it for so long, I feel a little rejected. There was a time when Yubo's parents visited. In the days leading up to their arrival, I searched for recipes of dishes they might like, and desserts that didn't contain sugar -- things that I could make for them so that we would have been able to sit at the dining table and eat together instead of going out to a restaurant. It was disappointing to hear that they would much rather go to a restaurant, so I ended up not cooking anything at all during their visit. I know that they probably just didn't want to make trouble for me or anything, but I was sad feeling that they didn't want to eat what I wanted to cook for them.

Anyway, even though I was hurt yesterday, this morning I decided to change up Yubo's breakfast a little bit. It was a surprise again to hear his alarm go off so early. Since he only had two asiago bagels left, and I only have strawberry cream cheese, I decided to make an egg sandwich. The eggs haven't gone bad yet, and I don't think strawberry cream cheese would taste good on an asiago bagel. So this morning was a microwaved scrambled eggs with salt and pepper on an asiago bagel, toasted with butter and melted swiss cheese. He ended up adding mayo to it (yuck!), but said it tasted really good. I like seeing that he appreciates being brought breakfast in the morning. And he seems happy to receive it, probably because he usually goes without.

I think I'm getting a little better at not hanging on to my upsets. I can move on and still do loving things for him, but at the same time, I won't let issues go until they're resolved. However, I'm not as accusatory when approaching him. Letters and text messages are helping. Starting off with an apology for my huffy behavior seems to help him too. We haven't had a chance to sit down and talk about anything though, but I'm sure that will come when he's ready to try. So I just gently remind him of my requests to have him think about things I've asked and said.

Overall, it's been tough lately, but we're working through it. It might also be helping him that for the past few days, I've been asleep when he's been home. So even if it was an upsetting day, he can have some peace without me for a while. Whatever it is that we're doing, it's making a little progress for us. However, I'm anticipating when we'll actually talk about the notes I've given him.

A Reminder of Why We Got Married.

When we were in premarital counseling, we had to list 12 reasons for why we wanted to marry each other. Pastor Wayne told us this would be a good list to refer back to in difficult times. I don't remember if I posted this before, but I figure it doesn't hurt to do it again.

What I Wrote

1. I love him.
2. He can be very attentive and nurturing.
3. He's a good provider.
4. My parents really like him.
5. He loves me unconditionally.
6. He inspires me to focus on God.
7. I can't imagine being with anyone else.
8. He's stuck with me through some very difficult times.
9. I feel like I can be myself with him.
10. We can work well together.
11. He's the only one that's been so patient with me.
12. He makes me want to be a better person.

My Response to What I Wrote

1. I still love him. That will never change.
2. The operative words here are "can be."
3. I feel like I say this too much. When I get upset, this is usually the first thing I bring up: I appreciate how much he does for us, and how hard he works for us, but...
4. My parents like that he is such a hard worker. When my mom was here, although it was an unusual week for him, she admired that he was such a good and hard worker. I guess that's something she and my dad would definitely appreciate since that's how they are.
5. He still does. I wonder about it, but he still does.
6. LoL. My first thought when reading that again was, "Yeah. God is the first thing I turn to when Yubo upsets me," and that happens more than I would care for. But really, this is where I'm torn between how much of my journey with Christ is on my own, and how much should I expect to have Yubo alongside me.
7. Honestly, when I'm upset enough, sometimes my mind does wander back to past crushes (not relationships because they all failed so miserably). But when I think about long-term, he's still the only one.
8. And he's still sticking with me. I know it's more difficult for him now since he can be the cause of these difficult times (instead of him comforting me because another man hurt me), so when I'm at my worst, I wonder when his patience will run out. But he's still here, and he tries hard and more than I really ever give him credit for.
9. Unfortunately, this isn't true anymore. Just being honest. I'm overly concerned by what he thinks of me. I've been so crazy lately that I'm scared he thinks he really made a mistake. So I'm always calculating how I should be with him: should I show my pain, should I cover it up and pretend I'm ok, should I force myself to hold his hand, how should I talk to him, I need to be really careful with the words I choose and the tone I use because I don't want him to shut down.
10. We can, not that we do.
11. Again, I can't help but wonder when that patience will run out.
12. I always find myself telling him that I want to be a better wife. I want to make him happy. And I'm always apologizing for not living up to that. I'm always apologizing for the person that I am. He really does make me want to be a better person, but maybe not for the right reasons. I try to do the, "If you're happy, I'm happy," but then I start to wonder why it doesn't seem like he's doing the same. So in reality, I'm quite selfish. That's not being a better person. Cleaning the house and serving him breakfast in bed and buying his energy drinks the night before sound like caring and loving things, but I think I really do expect some sort of reward. And I don't see that as being a good wife or person at all.

---

What He Wrote

1. She's fun to be with.
2. I love her. (duh)
3. She desires me to be the best I can be.
4. She desires after God's heart.
5. She's beautiful.
6. I enjoy when she is around.
7. It feels right with her.
8. She makes me laugh.
9. I can feel she truly loves me.
10. She has been patient with me.
11. She is smart and witty.
12. I am comfortable with her.
13. My parents love her.

Yeah, he had to add one. The tough thing is that, while typing his list, I was arguing with everything he wrote. "That's not true. Yeah right. That's not the way it is now. Pretty words."

We don't talk enough. And we don't remind each other enough that we love each other.

Today I sent him a text apologizing for my attitude lately, confessing that I feel neglected, but reaffirming that I appreciate and love him. I got scared when he didn't reply. When he got home, he actually took a little time to sit with me with no other distractions and tell me about what's going on at the shop. It felt nice to give him all of my attention, and that he wanted to talk to me. Unfortunately, when he mentioned that he would play "only one game" of Starcraft with his brother, the good feelings disappeared. I did mention that if he had an early morning, why didn't he just not play tonight. I don't know if he played or not.

For the past couple of days, I noticed that he was going outside every night before turning in for bed. I asked him what he was doing, going out every night. He asked, "Am I doing that every night?" I told him it seemed like to me. When I asked him again why he was going out, he responded with, "No reason." Not that there's really a right or wrong answer..... but that's the wrong answer. He didn't even explain why he went out this particular time.

I told him that I asked because I'm worried that I'm stressing him out so much that he's started smoking again. And every time I ask him if he would tell me if he started again, he says he would. And every time he says he would, I think he's lying.

I wish he would do more to dissolve my fears and concerns, or at least be better at it. The way it is now, it just feels like he's hiding something from me and it seems like he's just acting guilty and lying. I wish he would talk to me honestly. I know that he tends to fear my reactions, but that's not a good reason to lie or omit. If he could be as honest with me as I try to be with him, I think I'd be happier.... or more secure. But with his "like getting away with things" personality, I'm scared to trust him.

I want to read through these two lists and not argue. I want to believe what I believed when I wrote those words, and I want to believe every word he says to me. Without trust, there is no relationship. It's hard to simply trust him because he's hurt me so badly before. I can't even bring myself to completely trust in God, and God's done nothing but good for me. But I really do want to believe in him...

Disconnect.

Lately it's been more frequent that I feel disconnected from Yubo, and more irritated with him. I tend to blame it on this new addiction to Starcraft. I've talked about our issues with his gaming before, and it hasn't changed much. It actually fluctuates. It depends on if there's a "good" game out or not. I must say I'm not looking forward to this holiday season, as many "good" new games are due for release.

Today I realized a slightly embarrassing fact. Pastor Keith, who is one of two pastors at Lighthouse that I am most connected with, asked us how we were doing after service today. Although I wanted to be completely honest with him about some issues we've been experiencing, I realized that if I were to tell P.Keith at that moment, it would also be the first time I'd revealed the issue to Yubo. So I shut my mouth and we focused on my sleep issues instead of our relationship issues.

I think that's a big problem. I am very ready to tell outside people about my concerns in hopes to garner advice, but I would do so before even talking to my own husband about an issue that involves him. However, this is always on his part. Rarely will he make himself available to listening to my concerns. And even when he does try to, he will shut down shortly afterward. The problem remains, with absolutely no progress towards a solution.

It seems Starcraft has really consumed him. This is why I never let him get into World of Warcraft. I'm back to feeling like I'm competing with this game. He'd rather chat with these strangers online than talk with me. If he's upset or irritated or thinks I'm upset with him, instead of trying to resolve something, he goes straight to the game and plays and plays and plays.

I've asked him why he has these tendencies. He would simply say he didn't know, and would seem very reluctant if I asked him to actually think about it. He likes to fall back on being a guy; I understand that guys think differently than girls do, that they don't care so much about the why as it just is, but he must see that sticking to that doesn't help... and actually makes some situations worse.

I'm at a loss. We've only been married for four months now, and already the amplification of the negatives is overwhelming. I'm waiting to see the good things amplified.

I've been wondering for a while how I should behave. Although I am hurt, and although it feels like my words fall on deaf ears, do I try to remain the loving and dutiful wife? Do I tell him what I'm feeling, keep the pain from his lack of response, and go on serving him?

In the Bible, slaves back then were told to be good and remain loyal to their masters, even if the masters were cruel. We're told to love our enemies. Wives should submit to their husbands as they submit to Jesus. I suppose it's a much easier thing to submit to Jesus when I know that His love is constant, and that He never neglects me. Jesus doesn't hurt me, and He doesn't make me feel like I'm being ignored, that my existance isn't important, or that my presence is completely optional.

What, then, should I do? Yubo isn't a horrible husband. I know he loves me, although there are a number of times when I do find myself questioning that. I keep telling him that I am so thankful to have him as a good provider, but that's all he ever seems to be. The other things that I feel I need, like quality time, are so inconsistent that it seems like he'll spend time with me just to get it over with. Spend a few hours or a day with me, and that should keep me for a few days at least. I guess I've become extremely attention-hungry.

Many people tell me that I need to find hobbies of my own and keep myself busy. Then I wouldn't put so much pressure on him for attention.

Awkwardly, I don't feel quite so lonely when he's at work and I'm home alone during the day. It's when he comes home that I feel lonely. Even if I were to busy myself during the day when he's gone, that won't change the fact that I want to be with him and spend time with him when we finally do see each other when he comes home. Being busy during the day won't help any loneliness I feel when he's just in the other room.

It seems I'm putting too much on him. I can tell myself that all I really need is Jesus. But how much of this journey with God do I take on my own, and how much should I want Yubo along with me? How independent and self-sufficient does Yubo want me to be? Does he think independence will make me feel less lonely without him? Will complete dependency on God make me feel less lonely? Where is the balance between these things?

I wish I could hear his side of this...

Dreams of a new wife.

I've come up with a number of things I would have liked to establish in this home ever since we started living together. It's not that I thought they would be more attainable after marriage, but I still wouldn't mind having them.

In no particular order:

1. Starting and ending the day together.
I always thought it would be a very good thing to do this. I think I've mentioned it in my previous post as I complained about my sleep issues. We don't have to wake up and go to sleep at the same time, as this dream started off as. I think I would just really like to have him be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night, right there next to me in bed.

2. Family meals.
When we first got our dining table those few years ago, the idea was to have our meals there instead of in front of the TV. My family rarely has meals together. Even if we do happen to sit at the same table and eat at the same time, everyone's eyes are glued to the television. I remember one Thanksgiving where we actually sat at the table for a family meal together, and my sister and I were uncomfortable. I thought that wasn't the way a family should be. Therefore, I always wanted to have meals as a family, gathered together at the table, giving each other our full attention.
Along with this, and this sort of ties into the previous dream, I always wanted to at least start the day with breakfast together every morning.

3. Praying together.
Aside from saying grace, Yubo and I rarely pray together. I think this is the number one thing we should be working on. I've shared prayer requests with him before, but I would usually leave it at that instead of taking the time to pray with him at that moment. Also, he doesn't really ask me to pray for anything for him. Although I do pray for him on my own, I would like to play a bigger role in his prayer life.

4. Bible study.
We also don't read together, which is another big thing I would love to do. We don't really have to read the same thing, but I would like discussions about how God is speaking to us individually.

5. Preparing meals.
Even though I can't really cook, I would really like to. It's a problem, though, that I absolutely hate having to clean up afterwards. We had an agreement a while ago, that if I cooked, he would clean up. However, the clean up rarely happened. So I stopped trying to cook.
I think preparing a meal for him is what makes me feel the most like a wife. For a very short while, I packed bento for him for lunch. It made me feel really happy to do that for him. But again, clean up got in the way of continuing to do it -- or he would forget to bring the bento box back onto the house.
Another thing that got in the way was our inconsistent schedules. We had breakfast for a while. I would wake up earlier and make an extremely simple breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast. But then either I wouldn't wake up, or it became too difficult to wake him up. Then he would have random days when he would have to wake up much earlier than usual.
We obviously would never have lunch together since he would be at work. Dinner was tough because he never knew when he would be home. I still manage to prepare a nice dinner sometimes for special occasions though.

6. Greeting him at the door with a hug and kiss.
This doesn't seem like it can ever happen because more often than not, he comes home covered in things neither of us wants me to touch. It would be different if he had a regular job that didn't involve him getting into gross stuff, but it can't be helped. Perhaps it's something I can start to do after he gets out of the shower though. It just feels a little strange to have to delay it so long.

Sibling Rivalry.

So removing the bell didn't stop, or even hinder any fights. This morning at around 5:20ish was the worst sounding fight we've had so far. It was loud enough to even wake Yubo up -- he was the one to rush out of bed to break up the fight. Oh, what I wouldn't give for perfect eyesight -- I wasn't even halfway towards reaching for my glasses. Somehow, his reaction put me at ease for if we ever have children. Before, I was concerned that no matter how loudly the baby cried, he wouldn't wake up, leaving me on baby duty the entire time.

Anyhow, Chiyo hasn't come out from under the bed yet. I'm concerned that she's hurt, since cats hide when they're injured. But it could also be that it's nothing serious and I'm overly concerned, as usual.

I've been wanting to install a magnetic cat door into the door of the office. Since Chiyo was the only one wearing a collar (before we took it off), I thought it would be a perfect way for her to have a safe room to run into every time Tifa got out of hand.

Now I'm wondering if we need to reintroduce Chiyo to the house. Or if I need to take Tifa out of the mix and reintroduce her. The troublesome thing is that these large incidents only happen during the time we're sleeping (or when I'm about to go to sleep). I was thinking maybe I need to put one of them in the office before we turn in for bed, but figured that wouldn't really solve anything.

Yubo and I were also thinking that one of us (read Mochi) should sit in the office with Chiyo and Tifa for an entire day. Or at least while we're both home, keep them together in the office to force them to be with each other. I'd prefer staying in the room with them, prepared with a water bottle to squirt the one that starts trouble. It would enable some discipline to finally happen.

I wonder if it really is that Tifa is jealous. I can't figure out why else she would continue a fight with Chiyo screaming the way she does. There's no way that sounds like playing, so I'm convinced that Tifa is really picking fights.

At least Ellie remains normal. ^_^

Update on the kids.

Chiyo's been with us for a little over 2 months now. Although it seemed she was adjusting quite well, there was one thing that remained unsettled: her relationship with Tifa.

This was something we had been concerned about since the beginning. Tifa is the baby of the house, and very much the attention whore. We were worried that Tifa would not get along with a new cat because that would mean our attention would be even more divided. Don't know if cats really think like that, but it seems that Tifa does. Every time she would see either of us giving Ellie affection, she would come running to make sure she didn't miss out.

Anyhow, for the last month, Tifa would start chasing and harrassing Chiyo during the late nights/early mornings. What I would hear is a lot of running, Chiyo's bell, Chiyo hissing and growling, and occasionally, Chiyo screaming.

Upon observation, Tifa would creep up to Chiyo. Chiyo would start growling. Tifa would keep trying to go up to her. Chiyo would start hissing. Tifa would make a sudden movement, and Chiyo would freak out a little bit. And so on. The scream would happen in the other room, where I assume Tifa landed an attack. Even if Tifa just wanted to play, we thought it made for a very anxious Chiyo.

First, we thought Tifa really just wanted to play, whereas Chiyo would much rather not.

Then, we thought that maybe Tifa really is jealous and is seriously harrassing Chiyo.

Either situation isn't good. And it would always happen away from us, so we couldn't discipline anyone. I would end up putting Chiyo back into the office with the door closed to give her a break from Tifa.

Then, Yubo had a thought. We finally decided to take off Chiyo's collar. So far tonight, there haven't been any fights since the removal of the collar. I wonder if the whole, "Tifa wants to play but Chiyo REALLY doesn't," was caused by the bell on the collar. And Yubo pointed out that Chiyo can't sneak up on Ellie or Tifa because of it, but they can sneak up on her, so she's been at a disavantage this entire time.

I must say she looks a little naked without the collar, but I wonder if she'll be happier this way. Now she's on even ground with the other two, and there's no bell to entice Tifa to play.

I hope it really does work better for Chiyo, and for everyone. I'd like to not have my sleep distrupted by their fights anymore. So we'll see how this plays out.