Two weeks.

Stress is on the rise as we get closer and closer to our move date.

Yubo has officially quit his job, but is taking the rest of tonight and tomorrow as a mini vacation before he throws himself into all the hard work of getting everything ready to move.

I'm a bit stressed as I try to figure out how to hang out with all the people that want to hang out before we leave, and still have time and energy to pack and clean. Our last two Saturdays up here are already filled with parties. We have a few more dinners with some people sprinkled through the remaining weeks.

It's really awkward how hanging out with friends can almost be stressful. Like a wedding reception.... or how the last few days of a trip home, everyone wants to try to hang out one last time.

I'm sure we'll get everything done. Although we've accumulated more things living in this condo, it's still fairly small, so we haven't really added all that much. I'm excited for the things I can throw out or donate. I am concerned of the cost of fixing things up enough to make it sell-able though (e.g. the window blinds that the cats chewed through to gain access to the sill).

Need lots and lots of prayer that we can take things a step/box/room at a time without feeling overwhelmed, and actually get everything done in a timely fashion.

Moving and growing.

I'm not sure if I already wrote about this, but we've settled on moving together, and living together at his parents' until we find our own place (which hopefully won't take much longer than two weeks). This drastically lowers moving expenses, and solves what we thought would be two weeks of living apart down in Cali (if I were to start working at the store immediately, I would have stayed with my parents' in order to commute with my mom every day).

Everything is coming together fairly smoothly, for the most part. The "jokes" from friends that we've changed our minds continue. Sometimes I'm not in the mood for them anymore, but I try not to get too bothered or annoyed because I know that we're very much loved up here, and it's pretty obvious all the reasons they would want us to stay. But we trust that God will provide in our absence, since He is the one that's calling us away.



An interesting, disturbing, and dramatic thing happened a few days ago. I had a bit of a breakdown over our finances, and briefly entertained thoughts that I really shouldn't have about how to help bring us more income. Then I had the brilliant idea to share my thoughts with Yubo, and how worthless I felt because I wouldn't be able to help in those ways even if I wanted to.

He rightly got upset with me.... very upset with me. And we had a very long, tense, emotional talk.

I think it was the first time we've ever ended a talk with something productive, and feeling closer to each other. It almost ended as usual, with him going out for a cigarette, and us feeling very tense toward each other with everything unresolved. But when he came back in, saying he was going to go to bed, I asked for a hug, and he held me. We apologized to each other. And we finished our talk with how to move forward.

I must say, I'm quite proud of us. It's taken us just under three years (of marriage; 8 years of being together) to learn how to end a conflict constructively. I just hope we can remember what we did, learn from it, and maintain a healthier approach to our future conflicts. Our next small group meeting, we'll be talking about conflict. Hopefully we'll be able to store up valuable nuggets of information and wisdom from the older couples in our group.

God is so good at laying out the perfect opportunities for us to use to equip ourselves for future battles.

Amends and amendments.

Just letting you all know that, once again, we are ok. The beer worked. LoL! Just kidding.

We talked. Truths were shared (praise God for that) rather than just saying what the other wanted to hear. And we've re-established Wednesday nights and Saturdays as times for "us." But this time, the time won't be scheduled talks and check-ins. They'll be date nights and time we're setting aside for each other to be with each other. And this will help me not be so greedy with his time the other days, because I'll know that I can look forward to and expect Wednesdays and Saturdays.

We already had our first date in a very long time this past Wednesday. We went to see The Hobbit. It would've been a much better experience if Yubo hadn't needed a cigarette right before the movie, but his e-cigarette hasn't been doing him very well. I will say, however, that I greatly appreciated that he was trying it.

There's just something outside of the nicotine that has him that the e-cigarette just isn't enough, and he doesn't know (or won't tell me) what it is. In any case, it's keeping him from actually wanting to quit.

So I'll keep praying for him, and try my best to be patient. I'm just REALLY hoping that it doesn't take me having a baby to get him to quit. (Please note that I certainly will not have a baby just for this purpose, so don't worry about that.)

Now, we just continue to hammer out the details for this darn move.

Beer makes all things better?

I called him while I was at the market, and was relieved that, 1) he answered his phone, and 2) he didn't sound angry/upset/annoyed.

So the entertaining thing to me is, whenever I want to make amends with him, usually the first thing I do is buy him a beer. More often than not, it's a can of Sapporo; but sometimes I'll "splurge" on a case of Sam Adams. When I say "sometimes," I think this is only the second time it's happened.

I'm not sure how a beer became my go-to peace offering. I suppose part of it is me trying to be more open-minded about beer in general, which, although I have a ways to go, I've come pretty far in my views and feelings toward the stuff. And the other is that I understand to some degree how much Yubo enjoys a cold beer after a long day at work..... or something to that extent that media has embedded into our brains.

Why can't that be done with water or some other liquid? I have no idea. But whatever. I've learned that he is no longer a college frat pledge (or did he actually join?) that drank to get drunk. And watching videos of brewers showing how to appreciate a beer helps open my eyes further to this other side of alcohol.

Anyway, all that aside, I'm also trying my best to learn more about the things he enjoys, and respect them (if they're respectable), and show him that he's important to me. So I guess my way of doing that is a peace offering that involves something that I'm not entirely comfortable with, and showing that I'm willing to put forth the effort.

We talked.

Sometimes I want to say, "Lord, stop stirring things up and making trouble!" LoL. But I know it's good.

I stopped Yubo before he fired up the Xbox, and I poured out my heart (and eyes) to him. I really didn't mean to cry, and I feel really bad about it. But I said the things I felt needed to be said and asked, and he gave me honest answers.

The bulk of everything unanswered boiled down to, "When we ask God for things, how much to we really mean it?" and, more importantly, "What do we really want?"

I told him that I'm not at the point yet where I'm really ready to hand over my entire life to God, but I do want MORE of Him. I'm giving Yubo more time to think it through, but told him I wouldn't let up and would ask him again tomorrow or in a few days.

I think he's upset.... and I'm trying to not be hurt by that, because it tells me that this is important.

Despite the very obvious tension right now, I feel ok. This is a big step in our faith, that apparently God thinks we're ready for. And I guess I have peace that we'll come out on the right side of this. Of course, I'll continue to pray about it. And I would certainly appreciate your prayers for us as well, dear reader.

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And of course, this is the devotion I find when I finally check my email: http://www.proverbs31.org/devotions/good-wife-2013-02/

I think I got it.

Following up from my previous post, I think we will always be in an "either/or" situation, and can't be in an "and."

"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." (Matthew 6:24)

Either the things we do glorify God, or they don't. Either we serve God, or we serve ourselves.

It really is a big cost to follow Jesus. And, as you can see in my previous post, we try too hard to blend things. I was trying too hard to allow Yubo this thing, when actually, he was probably pretty close to being right on when he said he should sell his games and consoles.

I recognize that games can do some good for him. The ones he chooses to play usually involve a lot of tactics and strategy. They use his brain, make him solve problems, and in some online forums, have him work with other people as a leader or a follower.

The problem comes when he might have an inkling that I was already having a problem with his gaming again, and that I was feeling separated from him, and still games for four hours straight without checking on me as I sat in the bedroom with the door closed, ignoring my crying cats. I was feeling so horrible that I was hoping I could blame the birth control for a mood swing. Or that I was just being my usual sensitive self because I just watched the latest episode of "Smash." I didn't break down into a puddle of tears, but I did cry.... a couple of times.

I could say that I didn't expect a miracle to happen in the past 21 days, but actually, I did. My eyes were so opened. I really meant it when I said we've finally started to experience what God intends relationships to be. So of course I would be devastated to have that yanked away from me hours after we broke our fast, and just the day after we agreed to be better.

When I asked Yubo what it meant to him to "be better," he didn't answer me. I could tell he didn't want to restrict himself anymore. He was getting restless toward the end, but had made the effort to choose an entertainment we would enjoy together.

I didn't feel good going back to my daily routine before the fast. I watched a few episodes of anime over meals, but turned Pandora back on more often (until the streaming started getting wonky). But when Yubo came home and got on his game, I was checking FB every couple of minutes to see if someone else out there would acknowledge my existence -- maybe let me know that they missed me while I was gone. I was checking Instagram to see if I got any more likes from the pictures I posted, or if any of the people I followed posted something I would like, to get that tiny form of interaction.

Yet, there was Yubo, literally two feet away from me, and I couldn't talk to him. And when I say "couldn't," I'm using the correct word. I did not have the ability to. His headphones were on, his eyes and mind were focused on the task at hand, and it would go on like that for hours at a time with no let up -- no way to save and stop, too much action to just pause and interrupt his flow.

He explained to me that's just how the game is. He had tried to stop mid-mission after he had cleared one checkpoint, but when he came back to the game, it had closed itself, and he had to start from that first objective again. That much of a problem? Apparently so. And when I wondered if it would be a matter of choosing when to play games like that, where you can't easily save after just a few minutes of play, he started shutting down. His argument of never really having a weekend came up then.


When I was diagramming out my thoughts regarding "either/or" and "and," I saw that the options were basically telling me the same thing. In the free time that you have in a day, you can split your pie up amongst the things you want to give attention to -- yourself, your spouse, God. You can do them all, but only be able to give a little bit of time to each. If you want to give more time, you can spread them out over the week. So the free time on Mondays and Wednesdays could be dedicated to yourself. The free time on Tuesdays and Thursdays could go to your spouse. Weekends go to God.

But then look at how you're taking time away from God to do these other things. When I say that, I'm assuming that the other things don't really include God.

Of course, the proper way to do it would be to make sure God is involved in the times you dedicate to yourself and your spouse -- doing things that are actually glorifying Him. But that's not how we do things, especially in the times we dedicate to ourselves.

Yubo plays these games that aren't very wholesome -- they're violent, and they sometimes make his frustrated and angry (which, in my opinion, means he's taking it too seriously and is too invested).

I watch shows that can be vulgar at times in the comedy, or show relationships that aren't Godly.

It's fairly easy to see how to reconcile that, but it becomes obvious pretty quickly that we don't quite want to reconcile. And that is the real problem. We're choosing the wrong thing. Instead of wanting what is best for ourselves (in choosing God), we're choosing to take time away from God for the things that are not of Him. That's the big thing I was missing last night. We can't have an "and."

At some point, we really do have to make a firm decision: either God, or the world.

"And" or "Either/Or"

Once again, Yubo's games come up as an issue. :(

It's not horrible, mind you.

It's just.... having been through that amazing 21 days, I personally was shocked at how easily we both reverted back to our pre-prayer&fasting ways. Yubo said it wasn't shocking; I countered that it was saddening.

I really don't think we have to be in an "either games or quality time with each other and God" situation. I truly think Yubo (and we) can have both. But how?

Last night, we both agreed that we didn't do too well coming out of the fast. But apparently I felt it more than he did. Understandable -- I'm more emotional than he is, naturally. The difference was pretty stark to me though. I felt so separated from him, and feel the same tonight. (He got to come home early, and fairly quickly got to his game as I finished watching an anime episode over my late lunch.)

We engaged in a brief but deep conversation regarding the "benefits" I see the people around me receiving that are not from God (and so they are actually curses disguised as blessings leading people farther away from God). So that was neat, although it would have been nice to have prayed through that afterward.

But anyway, it came up again about how difficult Yubo's choice games make it to just save and quit. I can relate, somewhat -- being so frustrated running around looking for a save point but continually running into monster after monster, and then giving up and resigning to start all over again from a previous save. But that still feels like an either/or situation.

Yubo's frustration came out in the form of wondering aloud if he should just sell all his games and consoles. I certainly don't think he has to resort to that, but at the same time, he said he seemed to be fine without them these past 3 weeks. But was that because he knew they were still there for him to go back to? Was he really fine without them?

But that's still either/or! .....although I think that'd be good to know.

I suppose the best "and" situation would be some sort of limiter on games, so that time each night (or every other night, or weekend, or something) is actually dedicated to us and God.

His other complaint was not really ever having a weekend. He says he never really gets a chance to completely relax. There are always things to be done that have been pushed off. So that's usually, either he spends the whole day gaming ("relaxing"), or he runs errands with me, or he helps people from church.



I feel like I'm missing something big here. Something just doesn't feel right as I try to think these things through. Maybe I'm just thinking about it so much that I've gotten confused.

I'll take a break from this now, and pray about it later (or now....). My very few readers, if you have any insights on balancing these types of things in your life, I'd appreciate a few words just to possibly get a different perspective. I'm a different person now than I was before, so even if you've shared such things with me before, let's try again.

Prayer & Fasting: Days 20 & 21

It's become much easier to just be with each other, without trying to find distractions to fill the space between us. And we've just become emotionally closer (at least on my side).

Sunday was amazing. Second service was filled before we got there, and we were less than 5 minutes late. The congregation was so engaged, and I got to enjoy just being a part of the congregation. Personally, I was more engaged. I wasn't scared about worshiping out in the audience the way I do on stage... or at least closer to it. Prayers were moving, the message was enlivened. It was neat to see how many people stayed after for the luncheon to break the fast.



I will admit, Yubo and I did not do so great afterward. We went to Best Buy, and Yubo got a new game (always dangerous). I ate Taco Del Mar for lunch (since we didn't fast from food, and the soup and fruits from the luncheon, though delicious, weren't enough for me), and we got Mongolian for dinner.

I spent loads of time "catching up" on FB and Instagram. I was mixed about it. I decided I had two options: either take the night catching up, and then back off again; or ease back in slowly. I opted for the former, and I think that works better for me. Where I was mixed was having the feeling of needing to catch up in the first place. 

Yubo ended up playing his game until just after 1am, where we had been going to bed before midnight during the 21 days. I actually lost track of time because I was researching moving cost estimates.

I also made the mistake of not having my "Hosanna Radio" playing. So I have it on again now.

At the very least, we prayed before sleeping.


So we will see how we do today. Last night, we both recognized what we did, and resolved to be better.

Prayer & Fasting: Days 17-19

I decided to not go to the evening prayer meeting on Wednesday, and won't go again tonight (which would be the last one). Probably selfish, but I didn't like not being home when Yubo got home.

We've made a few more exceptions to the electronic fast -- basically easing ourselves back into entertainment, but with the pointed difference of making sure it's mutual. So we started watching Ouran Host Club again. It's something we've watched before, that we both really enjoy, and it's not something that distracts us from being with each other. And Yubo's been really good about stopping, where he'd normally want to keep watching until he was tired.

We continue to end the night together in prayer, even if it's simply reciting the Lord's prayer.

Last night, we focused our prayer on my family, and got good "feedback" from God. We're assured that He is preparing our way, and we just need to listen and follow.

Still some things we're asking about that haven't been answered yet, but I'm encouraged that what we've been doing these past few weeks will continue on. So we'll have plenty more opportunities to hear from God.

The toughest part now is really just getting things ready for when we leave. Praying that someone (or several someones) in the church will step up to fill our vacancies. I'm also trying to get my boss ready to be without me. There's a lot to do, and March is coming up fast.