Sinking in.

It's so weird. When I think back on our move up from Cali, I don't remember it being so difficult. I remember the pain of seeing my dad cry when we finished packing my stuff into the truck. And crying after we got up here as I was reading a card from Akemi. But other than that, I don't remember it being difficult. Of course, I can read back to the entry I wrote about it back in 2009 when I started this blog and know that it really was a hard time for me.

But it was decided. Back then, I was following the man I love to a new life. I wasn't really conflicted. Despite the fear of leaving everything I ever knew, I at least had Yubo.

After 7 years up here in WA, it feels the same.... perhaps worse.

We had pushed up my moving time frame to the middle of March, because if I'm supposed to find a place for us to live first, my leaving needs to be a decent amount of time away from when Yubo wants to leave (beginning of April). Otherwise, we might was well just leave together and somehow manage at our parents' houses until we find a place of our own. Too stressful, though, with three cats.

I was updating our Google calendar to remove bill reminders that we wouldn't need anymore after April, and making sure I didn't accidentally schedule something important. It was vaguely unsettling that I only had to click through three months.

I also asked Yubo to email Ei-chan's wedding party to see if any progress has been made for the date of the bachelor party. Ideally, we'd be mostly settled somewhere in Cali so that Yubo can focus his attentions on attending his brother.

As I let Yubo take over my laptop to send the email (his was preoccupied with the game he was playing), it started sinking in. I started thinking, It's actually coming up pretty fast. As soon as the new year hits, I'm leaving in 2.5 months. Well, even if I'm not quite emotionally ready, I can at least be logistically/practically ready...

2.5 months.

Then it really hit me. I still don't want to go.

For some reason, after 7 years, I'm feeling like I'm in the same place I was 7 years ago. I'm leaving everything that I know to some foreign place. I'm out of touch with so many of my friends, many of them either no longer in MPK (which doesn't entirely matter since we'll more than likely be somewhere around Northridge) or with other circles of friends that I don't know. Aztec Singers has an established choreographer. Everyone has moved on, just as I have up here.

We'll have to find a new church and build up connections and relationships from scratch again. I'll have to shift gears from being so involved in church to being a newbie again. No worship team, no coordinating, no planning.

It feels more difficult than it was 7 years ago because I've grown deep roots here. Down in Cali, I was still young. I didn't really have anything established. I was growing up and wanting to learn how to be an adult on my own (sort of).

Up here, I've learned what I'm worth. I've learned to confide in people I trust. I've learned that I'm actually pretty good at the things I do. I've learned that I'm pretty darn happy up here... despite the weather and S.A.D. and streets that don't make sense.

And I remember, that even in all that California sun, I dealt with depression. And I'm scared to go back to that. I'm scared to be further reminded of who I was back then. But I have to know that fear is not from God. These are things that are being amplified in my head to possibly try and keep me from where God really wants me now (or soon).


After I cried to Yubo for a bit and told him how I was feeling (just as he started typing up the email), he even offered to stay. But I told him, no. Things are already in place. Things are already moving. And God already firmly told us to go. Even though He hasn't given us a clearer time frame, He hasn't retracted that statement to go. And I'm actually feeling like the things we needed to do up here are done. So we have to trust Him to lead us to what He has in store for us next.

Getting Healthy: Juice. First two recipes.

We got a juicer for a great price off of Craigslist. I was interested in juicing before, but became even more interested after watching "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." The movie/documentary came up in a lot of the the articles and pages I was reading about juicing.

The plan was to replace at least one soda a day with fresh juice. Honestly, I haven't been so consistent, but I do recognize that inconsistency isn't something to get discouraged about. Just need to keep trying. And I do feel better on the days that I do have juice.

Anyway, I thought I'd list some recipes here so that I don't lose or forget them.

Recipe #1: Carrot-Apple-Celery
Nice and simple, and I have no problem with the fruits or veggies in their natural form -- meaning, I would already willingly eat them. Figured that would be the best way to ease me into a juice.

2 carrots
2 Granny Smith apples
1-2 stalks celery

I originally started with 2 stalks of celery, but the taste and aroma were pretty strong. So, although I haven't tried it yet, the next time I make it I will probably take the celery down to one. Also found that I preferred Granny Smith to Gala apples for this one.

Recipe #2: Not-so-Mean Green
I gave it this name because it's not the traditional recipe.

3 handfuls baby spinach
2 cucumbers
1 stalk celery
3 Granny Smith apples
1 peeled lemon

The kale that Yubo bought turned up with a snail or something -- enough to freak us both out to not use it. I didn't use parsley because I don't care for it, and added the celery because it's refreshing. One recipe I found asked for two lemons -- just using one was more than enough. I might even go to half next time. Anyway, overall happy with the way this recipe turned out. Really refreshing.

Babe.

I give nicknames to the majority of my friends. I suppose it's because I want them to know that they are special to me, and to hope that in turn, I am special to them (e.g. I'm the only one that calls them that).

Sometimes I wonder if it's annoying to them, but whatever. LoL.

So we know that Yubo calls me "Mochi," and that nickname has spread to some of his friends and family, which I don't mind. It does make it entertaining when someone is talking about mochi (pounded rice cake), and I think they are talking about me. But I suppose it started to feel less endearing.

I mentioned in a FB status a while ago how after two years, I still get a bit giddy when I hear him talking to someone else and refer to me as, "my wife." My theory is that it's because we're so comfortable and casual in our relationship, and that we're really horrible at being sweet and romantic with each other -- one of us (and honestly, usually it's me) will ruin the mood with a weird face or a joke.

Recently, we had a mini fight that I thought would be worse than it was. I actually told Yubo that I didn't believe that he comes home to me -- rather, that he comes home to games and his teammates, or simply to get away from his job. He went to bed really early that night, and then I didn't get to see him for about two days after that because work got crazy.

Somehow, it mostly resolved itself. And at some point one night, I asked him if he would try calling me "babe" or "baby" because our other nicknames for each other weren't sexy (I call him "bub" or "bubba"). He probably thought I was being crazy, but he humored me, and actually nonchalantly threw it out there.... and I got really giddy.

For some reason, just that little endearment made me feel like we started over, like we were in a new relationship with each and just started dating. Somehow, encapsulated in that little word, he makes me feel special, wanted, sexy, treasured. Even though loads of couples all over the world use that same word, it manages to mean something like that to me. Heck, we use "babe" and "baby" as nicknames for Tifa! But it's said in a different tone, and really does have a different meaning behind it.

He probably hasn't thought about any of this when he uses the word -- he just knows that it makes me giggle and blush, and that I like it. But on top of all that, lately he'll come home and greet me before he sits at his laptop or the TV. I don't know how long this will last, but be sure that I am reveling in it.

It really is surprising how such a seemingly insignificant adjustment can mean so much.

The latest countdown.

Well, I've finished school and Yubo has his plumbing license. And so we're moving back down to California. End of March - early April is our current time frame. (If this is the first you've heard of this, and you feel you should have known sooner, I apologize. I forget who I've told, and this is the first official announcement, of sorts.)

As news of us leaving spreads through the church, I've been met with lots of, "Oh no! We'll miss you!," and "No you're not." LoL.

Six years ago, I never would have thought I'd become so immersed in a church. Seven years ago, I never thought I'd find myself regularly attending a church by choice.

Washington has certainly become home to me, and it's been a struggle for me to support Yubo in this decision to move back down. And actually, it was very much God changing my mind -- or more like, telling me to stop fighting it like a brat, though not in those exact words.

Even though we're just about set, prayer about the decision continues. Just want to make sure that we've done everything God wants us to do up here without hastily running off. At least, that's where I'm at. Yubo can't wait to "go home," because that's what it is for him.

Anyhow, I don't have a whole lot to say regarding this. Things that we don't need right away are slowly being packed and put into storage. Once the clutter is out, we'll do a big cleaning (especially our very disgusting carpets).

This year, I will probably write up one of those Christmas letters for the friends that don't stalk me on FB or that I generally don't talk to or update very often. And my main plan is to spend my birthday up here and double it up as a house cleaning going away party. Ideally, I'd like to plan it out so we don't have to spend our third anniversary apart.

Then we'll become one of those Spring/Summer visitors as a break from the California heat and smog.

Responses to FB comments.

Around 2am this morning, I posted this status:
If I'm still hurt that he won't even apologize, does that mean I haven't really forgiven him?

Below are select comments I got from a few friends. I found I had a lot to say in response, so I thought I'd turn it into a blog and still respond directly to each comment. Don't know if any of them will ask for this blog address to read my responses, and I'm ok with that. But these cover a pretty good spectrum that I feel it fitting to dedicate an entry to them.



"Maybe I'm just too lax or insensitive or whatever, but I never really understand what's the big deal with all these inter-personal relationship issues. I mean, at the end of the day, you're not starving in Africa. You have no terminal illness. You've got all your limbs. Your face was never disfigured in some fire or freak accident. Life has been pretty good to you. I feel like Yubo playing video games or you feeling emotionally discontent in some manner, as far as problems go, just isn't all that bad. It's not like he's cheating on you, a raging alcoholic, or actively participating in domestic violence. On the contrary, I get the impression that he cares about you a lot, but no one on this planet can give you everything that you need and want. Personally, when I get home from an evening of obligatory labor, I really want to be able to do whatever I want to be doing with the remainder of the time I've got left because I know what awaits me is yet another day of mindless and arduous labor. The last thing I want to do is something I don't want to do."


I tend to feel that we were created for relationships. Not only romantic relationships, but any and all relationships. And that is why I think relationships are much more important than many people make them out to be. We are not meant to be alone in this world. So the big deal is that a bad relationship leaves you alone. I would be fine to have a terminal illness, missing limbs, and/or disfigurement, as long as I wasn't alone. And if we want to get technical, my scoliosis is a disfigurement. My scars from scratches and cuts and accidents. But I have family and friends and Yubo and God. The relationships in my life are the blessings that keep me going. And with Yubo being my second most important relationship in my life, of course I'm strongly affected when something is wrong. Otherwise, God would have called me to live as Paul did, celibate and romantically single, but still having relationships with people. And even in that case, I would be burdened by a friendship that wasn't working out well. The way I see life, it all comes back to relationships.


If going off of what my friend ended with, how can I not be hurt or make a big deal if the one thing that the man I love wants to do when he gets home from a long day at work is NOT be with me?

One of my greatest frustrations stems from knowing how good we've been, how great we can be, and how amazing we're going to be. So when we're in a slump and it's looking like he doesn't want to get out of it (or at most, get us up to satisfactory), then I'm frustrated with the thought that he doesn't care enough about us to get us to that amazing that I know we have. Understand, though, that this is one of my filters. I have no proof that he "doesn't care enough about us to get us to that amazing" stage. And I know that I'm impatient, and not good at pacing myself (which he is good at). But when we live in a way that disconnects us from our relationship (that feeling that we're roommates instead of married), I get no balance from his way of doing things. Instead, I just get irritated.




"...when its Us time and he refuses to put down the damn DS after having played the same game for about 6 hours before I came home.. then yeah, I have a problem. I usually try to distract myself with whatever movie we're watching or maybe another crochet project because quite frankly, at this point, I feel it is an absolute waste of time to get upset over it.... again. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but after a little while, it just hurts less and less."


I have my things that I do all day. While he's working, I'm at school. And I practice guitar and do homework and work on church stuff and watch anime and play with the cats and knit and crochet. At the end of my day that has been filled with everything I can do without him, there's nothing more I can distract myself with when all I want is to be with him.


And I don't want it to hurt less and less. If it does, then something is wrong. Then it means I don't care anymore whether or not I can actually be with the one I love.




"Some of the things your friends have to say are pretty good.Here's my summary with my own twist. 1. You can forgive someone but still be left feeling hurt. I think you know it's forgiveness when in spite of feeling hurt you don't carry a grudge or harbor resentment. This is a subtle thing to pay attention to and only you can know, it is most clearly seen in those moments when you could do something to annoy the other person, and either choose not to, or choose to take a subtle stab. Another indication can be if you are talking to them, and feel the need to spin off into a narrative about how they hurt you to make them feel bad. This also would not be forgiveness 2. I'd like to rephrase what Andy said for my own liking. When a person feels hurt, sometimes they get tunnel vision. They look at the thing in life that's causing pain, and are forgetting to be grateful for all the wonderful blessings in the periphery. This is a kind of distortion of the big picture, and it happens to all of us at times. 3. It's perfectly reasonable to ask someone your married to, to set aside quality time where they are not focused on doing anything other than just being with you/ doing something with you. If they aren't engaged in the activity, then there are times that finding out what THEY would like to do with you during the quality time would be of value. Finally, it's pretty important to find something you're passionate about that you enjoy doing for it's own sake. "Having your own life" This makes it easier to adjust a change in plans if something doesn't work out that you'd planned, but you have a different thing you could do that you actually do look forward to doing. Hope that helps!"


I already pretty much responded to the "having your own life" thing above. Basketball was my choice for what to do that he likes, but due to crazy schedules, has fallen by the wayside at the moment. Honestly, the only other thing he would want to do is game. And even if I tried to start playing a game with him, it would be just like basketball. Once I'm done, he'll continue on at his pace. So for a game, he'd stay slow and put up with being killed several times and having to revive me several times and putting up with missed and failed quests because I'm not good enough, and then redeem all that time for himself by staying up longer to play with his friends that actually know what they're doing. Then I would feel that the only times he'd actually let me play a game with him is just to humor and placate me.


This may sound like I'm painting a bad picture of him, but if you really pay attention, it's me that's looking ugly. Because as wonderful as he is to me, there's not much he can do to show me that he actually enjoys being with me. It's a change I have to make in myself, and that I am very aware of. I still have a very low view of myself, and even the slightest dismissal from him just confirms my view 10 times over. I know how wrong that kind of thinking is. Trust me, this is far from the lowest state of self-destruction I've been. Unfortunately, negativity still is more powerful to me than positivity, because that's the energy I've been working with for at least 25 years of my life.


So let's see where Yubo and I are in another 25 years when we're celebrating our 27th anniversary -- and yes, I do believe we will be celebrating anniversaries until we die.... or until Jesus comes back, whichever happens first.

Treating Symptoms.

May 4-6 was our church retreat. It was an amazing weekend, and so much more than we (the planning team) could have hoped for.

By the end of the retreat, I was faced with something that I've struggled with for so long: forgiveness. Or rather, my lack of forgiveness.

I can't remember if I wrote about this before, but during one of our moments of tension in which he apologized, I told him that although I acknowledged his apology, I could not say I forgave him and mean it.

for·give

verb \fər-ˈgiv, fȯr-\

 

transitive verb

1a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult> b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>

2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon <forgive one's enemies>

 

 

I couldn't do it. I would still hold things over his head. I would still think about times when he didn't actually apologize, and feel like he still owed me one.

 

Well, at the end of that retreat, by the grace and power of God, I forgave him. Truly forgave him for everything in the past that I still held him to.

 

It was a good breakthrough for me, and I left that weekend feeling energized and excited.

 

 

Well, that didn't last long.

 

That next Monday, we fought. Now, we don't scream at each other, we don't get violent, and we don't really do a lot that most people might do in what they would call a "fight." I was just talking to him (nagging, really, but in a not obviously nagging way), and he shut down hard. And I ended up leaving the house just as I had when I caught him smoking back in February. I sat in the car at the park and cried. Still feeling the bond I created with the planning team at the retreat, I emailed them for help and prayer. Called one of them after driving over to Shari's for dinner; the time had calmed me down, and talking and praying with her helped further. I got home about 2 hours after leaving, and I apologized for lashing out, and forgave him for the same. Then after he went to bed, I ended up on the phone with P.Keith for a bit for more advice and guidance before finally going to bed myself.

 

I was scared, because we usually recover from fights fairly quickly, and yet he was still very upset the entire day Tuesday. The tension remained until Wednesday, until I asked him if we could make up. It was a nice reminder that we do still love each other, and can still come together to enjoy each other amongst all the frustrations.

 

We met with P.Keith together that Saturday, and left with the tension almost back up to full power. But as P.Keith suggested, we started reading Mark together and praying every night, even if it's just the Lord's prayer. Although that has helped a bit, we haven't talked about things as I would like.

 

The latest incident is what sparks this entry.

 

Yesterday (Sunday), I caved in and let Yubo get Diablo III. As with every time he got a new game, I asked if he would not spend too long on it since we both had to wake up early today, and he said he wouldn't. And what happened? He spent too long playing. And he tried to finish up his night as if nothing happened and I wasn't bothered.

 

In light of what happened at the retreat, and with the understanding that forgiveness isn't a one-time deal for us humans toward each other, I had a question. The question was not meant to come off as emotionally charged; it really was just something that I was simply wondering. I posted in on FB, but with it following the previous status about worrying about Yubo playing Diablo III, I understand that my friends took it that way. More on that in the next entry.

 

Basically, though, I asked: If I'm still hurt that he won't even apologize, does that mean I haven't really forgiven him?

 

I just wanted to know if it counted as forgiveness if I didn't hold resentment but still felt hurt by the event. I could forgive him and not feel like he owed me an apology or anything, but I was still hurt that he didn't feel the need to apologize. Because I wanted to make sure that I was really forgiving him as I wanted to.

 

I asked him if we could at least talk today about what happened last night, and he agreed.

 

And we finally get to my title: treating symptoms.

 

Everything I focus on has been a symptom rather than what's actually causing things.... the virus, if you will. My vision is filled with his gaming, his smoking, the messy house, not spending time together, not having sex often enough, that I nag, that I'm trying to force him into a schedule, and other obvious surface things like that. Nothing or not enough about why. Just that it's happening and it should stop.

 

We both know that what happened on the 7th had nothing to do with what it seemed like on the surface (the fight was outwardly about going to play basketball and limiting his time). But we focused on it because we didn't know how to or didn't want to dig deeper to find the real issue.

 

The first thing we're trying to do, though, is to not resort to our usual tactics when facing and dealing with conflict.

 

When meeting with P.Keith, we were able to verbalize our tactics in this way:

• Yubo shuts down, and what he thinks he gets by shutting down is peace.
• I run, and what I think I get by running is giving the other person peace.

And we know that it doesn't work like that. It doesn't really bring us peace, and instead, has hurt us both rather severely because of how long we've been doing this.

So we're hoping that as we stop shutting down and running away, we'll be able to focus that energy we would have used to instead find and work on the actual issues.

Reading Mark and praying is helping us to finally bring God into our relationship, and the goal is to finally let Him rule like He's supposed to. And that's our first and most important step.

Basketball.

In a momentary lapse of reason, I asked Yubo to teach me how to play basketball. And, of course, he was all too eager to take me up on that request.

With the aid of our tax return, we got ourselves geared up (with workout clothes, basketball shoes, and a basketball), and headed down to a 24-Hour Fitness Super Sport, where there is a nice court. Actually, where there is a nice everything.

This past Saturday, Yubo showed me how to bounce the ball (I actually really don't like saying 'dribble'... it sounds like drooling), and the very basics of shooting. While he played one on one with our friend Andrew, I walked back and forth across the other half of the court bouncing the ball. As more people filtered in, I decided I was good on that, and left Yubo and Andrew to play while I hopped onto an elliptical for 20 minutes. It was a good starter workout for me.

On Sunday, we went back. Yikes! Two nights in a row! Where did my mind go??

We went through some crazy difficult dribbling drills (I can't say ball bouncing drills because that's just awkward and wrong), passing, and more shooting stuff. My forearms really don't like me. I was about to get on a bike to let Yubo practice on his own (rather than be stuck slowly taking me through such basic stuff), but he was kind enough to let me call it a night since it was already 10:30pm. He also agreed that helping me ensures that he really has his basics down before getting back into games with other people.

That night, we decided to upgrade his membership and get me a membership again.

The really good thing that comes out of this is we've been spending that much more time together, and that's what I enjoy and look forward to each time.

Yesterday, we took a break because Yubo was feeling more sore than he thought he would. Although he was debating whether or not to power through it, I also asked for the night off so I could finish working on the retreat booklet for our upcoming church retreat. Tonight, we won't go because it's his on-call shift. But we should get back into it tomorrow, and we're going to try to make it as much an everyday thing as we can.

Doctor Who.

To Yubo's slightly feigned dismay, my fandom has only gotten worse as I eagerly await Season 7 (not that I'd be able to watch it as it airs).

ThinkGeek.com and Teefury.com have certainly added fuel to the fire, stocking wonderful Doctor Who paraphenelia and T-shirts.

But I didn't really want to talk about that. I wanted to talk about the joy of sharing my beloved Doctor with other people that I love. Like Yubo's parents.

Yubo told me that, in a phone conversation, his dad said that introducing them to the new Doctor Who series was the worst thing we could have ever done.... or something to that effect. Where is the joy in that, you ask? The joy is in knowing that they are losing sleep, just as I did, as they marathon through as many episodes as they can each night.

We had them watch the first episode of Season 1 near the end of our vacation in March. So probably something like March 28... whatever night it was before we left Arizona, I believe. As of last night, they were starting Season 5. Not too bad. The good thing about last night was, when I called them, they were finishing the first episode of Season 5, but were so confused about the sudden jolt to Matt Smith. So I was able to direct them to the special episodes that wrapped up David Tennant's 10th Doctor that weren't listed with the rest of the series. Had I not called them, they would have missed it, so I'm really glad I called. Didn't get to ask them if they caught all the Saxon references, though. They got to see most of the Bad Wolf references because Yubo gave them the heads up on those.

Yubo will actually promote the show more than I do to our friends. I'm just the one that takes notes in church meetings with a sonic screwdriver pen.

A new layer to my fandom comes with the Doctor Who Fan Orchestra. Whoever might be reading this, if you have not heard them and you are a DW fan, YouTube it.

I was so sad that I missed out on Rose's Theme, but I actually applied for this latest project, the Dalek Suite. So excited! I've been practicing best I can. It's been a struggle to find a good time to record my part since I have upstairs neighbors that never leave and walk like elephants, and cats that decide to fight at the worst times. But I'm sure I can get my part recorded before the deadline.... it's just that I wanted to have it all done already. :/  But! it's still an amazing thing to be a part of.

2 Years.

In three days, we will be coming up on our second 2-year anniversary. Despite the drama that gave us a second anniversary, I like to joke about it. It gives us both a second chance in case we forget.

Anyway, by the grace of God, we completed our second year of marriage mostly intact. The struggles have definitely been significant, but the recoveries steal the show.

I am very proud of us and how far we've come. I know two years isn't generally such a milestone, and it's not like our marriage has been that rocky, but I still think it's something to be proud of.

Things definitely are changing, and hopefully for the better.

I'm sure I mentioned this already, but I will be finishing my AAS transfer degree at the completion of this quarter. Finishing up with audio production and beginning guitar. So far, it's been a really fun quarter, and I'm looking forward to how I can apply these things that I'm learning (definitely not what was happening with my business classes).

Speaking of business, though, I've saved my spot on Etsy with a shop where I hope to sell my yarnworks and doodles. Taking it seriously enough to have applied for a business license, and registered a domain name. I won't advertise the actual shop yet since it's still a bit far from being up and running. But I'm excited about it. Not quite sure what this will mean for my Mary Kay. I'll still be a consultant because I love the products, but don't know if I'll actually take it to full time as I originally intended after school.

The other thing that gets in the way of that is my parents' offer of one of the 99-cent stores. According to my mom, the main reason my dad insists on moving us back down to Cali is so that we can take a store, enabling him to step away and focus on other things (like another business venture, or retirement).

The struggle here is that Yubo thinks it's a really good idea for us to take a store. Unfortunately, I really don't want to. Of course, I will if I have to, as long as Yubo doesn't leave me stranded with it. There has been a lot of back and forth discussion about whether or not Yubo still wants to start his own plumbing thing, and if he does, what that means for me and the store that I don't want.

An old-ish idea has sprung up amongst all of this. As I continue to get more and more involved with church, I'm about 80-90% sure that I want to become a worship director. I really wanted to go to seminary, but silly me, I didn't realize seminary is a graduate school. So I would have to get a bachelor's in something before even being able to get a certificate from seminary. I don't know if I can take that much more school, to be quite honest. I suppose it really depends on if I can make the rest of the way to a bachelor's anything like these past two quarters, where I've enjoyed the classes and enjoyed what I was learning.

But I think Yubo is now at 100% that we're moving back down to Cali, and probably next spring or summer, since this summer is too soon, and we don't want to move during fall or winter. However, we can't say anything solid until I'm done with school. And Yubo still has to get his license.

That's about where we're at.

In the mean time, we're going to take some friends over to Leavenworth. Already wanted to go for our anniversary, but all they have are 2-bedroom units, so we decided to bring along my best WA gf Alex, and her husband Tyler. They both work ridiculously hard, so they deserve a break too, even if it's just a weekend.

Being open in a world that demands privacy.

This is sort of a follow-up for the previous post.

I wanted to be able to focus an entire entry on why I post such FB status updates. Before, I wasn't surprised at all that I got the reactions I did because of the people they came from. But after receiving a message from a dear friend telling me the same thing, I have to admit, it hurt a little bit. But if no one else reads this, I think I wouldn't mind writing this entry for myself, just to really explore my reasoning. A lot of what I will say will probably be better suited on my personal blog, but since it does have to do with our marriage, I will keep it here.

For a bit more background, I'll repeat some things that I may have mentioned before.

I do a fair amount on Facebook. I enjoy FB stalking my friends, playing silly games like Bejeweled Blitz, and posting pictures, videos, and my thoughts.

I think it's really only been recently that I've shown more of my negativity in a more public way. Sure, in high school I had my deadjournal, which I poured it all into; but that was pretty much my only outlet. I didn't talk to people about my really negative feelings. I couldn't talk to anyone about how badly I really thought of myself, my fears and my depression. But I could type it out. And if people cared to read it, they could read it. Otherwise, I was perfectly fine letting people that I thought didn't really care about me think that I was ok. If they read my journal and were still my friends, then I felt they really cared and treasured their friendship much more.

I really don't know when it started, but I began letting myself use FB as an outlet. Sure, it worried people, but they were more likely to respond to a short blip on their news feed than an entire essay of angst. And I liked that people would respond, but also, I wasn't too bothered when people didn't.

I think it was Yubo's best friend that first voiced his concern. Soon after, I got a call from my mom because my youngest aunt (who's also on FB) had seen a troubling post. Basically, they all were wondering why I was posting such bad things so openly. That was the first time I asked Yubo if he also had a problem with my posts, and he said no. He understood why other people would, but he also assured me that he would tell me if and when he has a problem.

The recent message from my friend lead me to ask him again. He basically again, said no and that he would let me know if he did. He also said that because we usually talk about things before I post something, or at least as soon as possible after, he's never surprised. And that most of the things I post are not a secret to the people that know us.

To sort of repeat what I said before, these are the main reasons why I post such worrisome status updates:

• It enables me to quickly let a lot of people that care about us know how to pray for us, or to seek advice/insight without having to repeat myself.
• It's a quick and easy way for me to vent.

To elaborate on that last point, my ability to vent in a way where I can still get feedback that is also generally quick and short has been a great help for me.

I am not the type of person to reach out for help because I fear rejection too much. I still struggle with thinking so lowly of myself that I am convinced that people don't care enough about me to know what my real troubles are. And this is why the message from my friend hurt. Even though I appreciated his concern, and that I understand and honor that he doesn't agree with my method of sharing, I still found myself twisting his message into something it wasn't because of how I view myself.

What was genuine concern for me, I turned into disgust (which, to be honest, it well could have been also). My low self-esteem filter snapped on, and I thought I was reading, "I don't care to read about your problems. Stop griping about stupid things. Stop being such a downer because people don't like that. People don't like you." Obviously, SO NOT what he wrote AT ALL. And if you've never dealt with fairly bad self-esteem issues, I don't think you'll understand how I could possible twist a friend's words into such poison. But I can, and I do, and I'm working really hard to stop doing it.

The other part of that is, because of the kind of person I am, FB is almost the only way I will interact with people. Face to face (and even over the phone) interactions are still very awkward and draining for me, and I know I make it worse by not putting myself out there, but you know.. that's the way it is. I recognize it though, at least.

Quick side note: I strongly prefer text/written communication. This is not just because of awkwardness. It's because I know my filters, and having hard evidence in front of me that I can reread helps me to not believe what I twist things into.

But anyway, because FB makes up the majority of my social interactions, in addition to all those twisted words was a feeling that if I don't post these things, I will never talk to anyone. Never. I will go back to outward pleasantness while I come home to cry by myself and wallow in self-pity and self-hatred.

The fear of that has me tearing up right now. I can say I might be overly-sensitive because I'm a week away from my period, but I know that's not true. This is a very deeply rooted fear.

I'm scared. I'm lonely. But people can't handle what I really feel. People don't understand. They'll just belittle me. They'll yell at me because they think my feelings are stupid. So I'll pretend I'm ok. I'll pretend I'm normal. So people will still like me, even though it's not really me.

Often I feel that I simply don't have anyone specific to go to for help. So I guess what I've been doing is throwing a line out and seeing who it hooks. It's frustrating for me, and so I always try to make myself as available as possible for people that may, for whatever reason, want my help.

And we want to do that with our relationship. We know that there's literature out there, and other people to go to, but we know we offer some very specific experience. Not too many books out there, I don't think, about what to do when your husband plays video games for 8-10 hours after a 10-hour work day, every day.

Another difficulty we face when seeking advice is that we don't have many that can offer sound Christian advice after coming from a very non-Christian or dual lifestyle. We're not looking for perfect advice from a couple that exactly like us, because that just isn't possible. But, you know, hard to get advice on how to stop smoking from someone that's never been addicted to anything in their life, ever.

So basically, I guess I'm saying that we'd like to be what we haven't really been able to find for ourselves.

I know my sharing is done in a way that makes some very uncomfortable because they would not put themselves in such a situation. Not saying it's right or wrong, but that it's just the way I am, and the way we are. And if you do strongly think that the way I post is wrong, talk it out with me, and pray for me. But like I said, it hasn't damaged our relationship, and in some cases may well have made us better.

Transparency. We want you to know that you can love someone dearly, and you can fight horribly, and that you can get through it and find that you love each other so much more. That problems aren't the problem... it's how to deal with them. And that we're not alone. Let's help each other, support each other, and learn from each other.

Reactions.

I think I'll start off with why I decided to title this the way I did.

I post a lot of Facebook statuses. They're a quick outlet for me when I don't want to spend time on a blog entry that no one will read. Well, sometimes those statuses aren't very happy, and I will often get more irritated by the responses I get, even though they were meant to encourage me.

I understand when people just want to throw in their two cents, hoping it'll have some insight that will make the situation all better. I do that, too. What irritates me is when I get comments from people that just don't know me, or us, or what's really going on. Or they comment as if I hadn't thought things through, or as if it's the first time the incident has happened. Or I get, "Have you told him this?" kind of stuff.

When I first started posting unhappy or troubling status updates, it got back to me that some people were wondering why I would "air out dirty laundry" in such a public way. I explained that it's an easier way to let my friends know how to pray for me without having to retell and relive the situation over and over again. It helps me to reach out in a way that I don't fear rejection as badly (no one commenting on a status is easier to take than calling a specific person and having them not pick up or be too busy for me, and then having to call more people one at a time). And it shows people that we are very open about our relationship in hopes that it might help someone else that might face a similar situation. And again, it's no secret to Yubo. I never post a status concerning anything he doesn't already know about, or that we haven't already talked about at some point.

We've been at this for 7 years, so it's a bit frustrating when people treat us like we're brand new. Yes, there's still plenty to learn about ourselves and our relationship and how to live peacefully with each other. I'm not saying we have all the answers. I know that some people can be together for 40 years and still have revelations about how to treat each other and love each other and what not. And there are some people that do it wrong their entire lives together. But I like to think that Yubo and I are smarter than that, and we've got some experience behind us.

Other times I feel like people try to invalidate my feelings even though they don't know the whole story. I appreciate that they're trying to defend Yubo, but they don't see how I tear myself apart after I've been mad defending him. They don't see the texts and notes filled with "I'm sorry for this and that and everything." Sometimes I just need to be mad at him. Let me have that. Because when I'm made to feel bad about being mad from the outside world, it gives me more fuel to tear myself down when I'm sorry.

We talk things out. We really do. And if there's nothing we do better, we make up really well. (Get your head out of the gutter.) Because we love each other, and we don't enjoy seeing the other hurt, and we certainly don't enjoy when we are the cause of that pain. But we're regular people, in a regular relationship, and there are ups and downs. And that's ok. It's ok to have downs. It's ok to be upset with each other and fight, because for the most part, we know how to come out of it better.

I'm surprised that so many people don't seem to understand that. They see something negative and they freak out. Like the world is going to end. Like this one upset is going to push us to divorce or something and they have to do everything in their power to show me that I'm wrong to be mad, as if it will expedite the healing and prevent further harm. When I tell some people about our very difficult times, they wonder why we're even still together. I guess that's also why Yubo and I like to be so open -- to show people that conflict can happen, that a relationship can go through ridiculously hard times, but that it will still be ok.

So with that lead up, here's what's been going on.

Whoo! It has been quite a crazy past couple of weeks. I really don't know where to start, or if I really want to get into what's been happening. How about some brief (as brief as I can make them) highlights? :P

The year started off pretty rough. Rough enough that I was concerned for us. I don't know if his gaming got worse or I got more sensitive, or both. But it let to many text messages and notes, some that I never even sent or gave him.

I did a lot of thinking, and over-thinking. Thinking that I wasn't good enough. Thinking that I'm a horrible wife. Thinking that I can't do anything for him. A failure. Inadequate. Selfish. Demanding. Insignificant. It got bad enough for me to try to reach out. And if you know me, that might give you an idea of how bad it got.

I started counseling. A friend reminded me that another friend was a counselor, which reminded me that that friend counsels at my school -- oh yeah! Schools usually offer free counseling to the students! A very "duh" moment. Money was no longer an excuse to not get help.

I had intended the counseling to figure out more about myself, why I feel the way I feel and why I do the things I do, towards myself and towards others. It started like that, but of course, things naturally went to the marriage.

Learning and applying things that definitely seem to be helping. We had some hard talks, but Yubo has been much more receptive than in the past. Very encouraging, and I definitely praise God for that.

But let's go into the big kicker that has really launched us into the new place of healing and growing.




I caught him smoking again.




I can already anticipate the reactions from people that don't know me. "That's it?"
But I'm hoping that if you're reading this, you already know me. And if you don't, to not jump to that reaction so quickly. I think even if you've read this entire blog from the beginning, you won't understand the depth of this for me, which is ok. You're not me. Which is more than ok.

So on February 11, 2012, around 3:30pm, I caught him smoking. I had suspected for a while, but tried my darnedest to really trust him. He had taken a break from his game and stepped outside, and I let myself assume that it was to call someone that wanted some plumbing done. But I decided that I wanted to get my art kit from the car. So I did. And there he was, down the street, in that damned leather jacket blowing smoke away from himself. He saw me, and saw that I saw him. I slammed the trunk closed, shaking my head, marched myself back into the house, set my kit on the floor and stood in the bedroom for a few moments in shock. I was more in shock than upset. I remember thinking, I hate it when I'm right. Then, without much thinking, I changed into some jeans, threw a jacket on, grabbed the keys, put on my flip flops (I really didn't want to take that extra time to put on socks), got into the car and drove off. He was nowhere to be seen.

I was shaking. Not even crying, yet, just shaking. I pulled into the park at the bottom of the hill, and I didn't even know what to do or what to think. This was around 3:40pm. Posted a status update on Facebook that was very out of character. And then I started crying, in my warm car in front of the beautiful water and early-setting sun, shaking and crying.

During all that time, I wondered what to do. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to see him. I thought about finding a motel, but we don't have the money for that. I thought about seeing if our Seattle resort had a free room, but I was up for worship the next morning and didn't want to have to drive from Seattle. Also, I didn't want to be on stage in the grubby clothes I was wearing. So I thought about going home and cleaning up the office. If I stayed in the office, I wouldn't have to see him. And then I could clear out a space to make room for the air mattress, because I certainly wasn't going to sleep in the same bed with him after this. But I still didn't want to go home -- so I wondered how long I should stay out. Like a child running away from home, wondering how long it will take for the family to notice, to start worrying, to start searching.

I was there for about an hour, just sitting in the car at the park. No call or text from Yubo.

I thought about trying to talk to someone. But who could I call? Who wouldn't belittle my pain? Who could understand? No one.

So I decided to make some use of the time I was going to stay away from home. Being the over-dramatic person I am, I got money out of a nearby ATM. If I bought something, I wanted to use cash so Yubo wouldn't be able to track me through card transactions (not that he would try). I went to Joann's to finally get some lace that I've been wanting for a long time.

It was 6:00pm. I decided to call P.Keith. So ridiculously out of character, but I didn't want to go home and face Yubo out of fear of saying something irreversibly damaging. After eating a rather yummy udon dinner nearby, I met up with P.Keith and ended up talking with him for nearly 2 hours. It took that long because it really wasn't just the smoking; it was so much compounded, and the smoking really pushed me over.

I got a call from my youngest aunt near the end of my talk with P.Keith. I didn't answer because I knew she was calling about my status update. I messaged her that I was ok. And then I got a call from my mom, because my youngest aunt alerted her to my distressing status update. So I talked with my mom and told her that I was ok, and to not worry because I was getting things under control.

I then prepared myself to go home. Sent Yubo a text telling him I was safe, where I was and that I was on my way home, and asked for a bit of his time when I got there. I drove speed limit the entire way, and sometimes just under. And then I got home. And I talked, and I cried. And we got through it. He told me that he had started up again just a week prior, so I had to force myself to believe him on that.

Since then, we've been able to talk much more productively. I feel like Yubo has really been trying to step up for us, which encourages me to do the same. We're really actively working on us, and it feels amazing. I'm trying to not worry about how long this will last. Instead, I'm just trying to stay present, focusing on what I need to do now rather that what I should have done or should be doing.

I'm proud of myself for actually reaching out for help. And I'm proud of Yubo for starting to step into his role. We're not where we should be, but we're in a good place on our way to a great place, and more importantly, we're together.

Happy New Year!! 2011 Recap. 2012 Resolutions?

Happy New Year to all of you who actually read this blog, however few you may be.

People seem to like lists, and the typical lists for the new year are resolutions and recaps. Never great about either of those. Resolutions never seem to work out because I forget about them a few months in. And recaps aren't too great because I forgot what happened. So basically, I'm just forgetful. But lucky me, I have a lot saved on my Google calendar, so I can just refer to that for my recap. Hahahaha.

So here are the big things that happened in 2011 for us:

• We helped celebrate Lighthouse's 10th anniversary with a spoken word piece.
• I got on board to help plan the year's LCC Retreat.
• I began job hunting, and eventually got a barista job, which only lasted about 4-5 months because of plans for school and my grandfather's illness.
• We performed at JEMS for the first time as part of the Counterpoint acapella group.
• We flew down to Cali for a weekend to celebrate our first anniversary, and Yubo's grandma's 90th birthday.
• We attended the LCC Retreat, which was really awesome.
  
• We purchased a new washer, dryer and dishwasher.
• We attended the wedding of my best WA girlfriend, and I got to experience the pains of being a bridesmaid. My dress is still in the trunk of my car.
• I got microbody contouring done, taking the fat from around my midsection and transferring some of that to my breasts, the results of which I'm still loving. Just need to keep being active to slim down the rest of my body and keep my waistline in.
• We flew down to Cali again to visit my family and sick grandfather. This was a trip that changed my life, and I was so thankful to have had Yubo there with me. The trip ended up lasting an extra week than planned as I lost my grandfather to cancer. He was an incredible presence in my life, even though I allowed the language barrier to keep us from talking much. My first death in close family. He died a Buddhist, but I still pray that I might see him in heaven, hoping that he met God in those final moments and chose to have eternal life.
• I took on the role of second Worship Coordinator.
• We celebrated Yubo turning 30.
• I picked up crocheting and am now looking into actually selling stuff. Created a brand and designed my own logos, which I drew with the drawing tablet my in-laws got me for my birthday. Already sold a scarf and beanie set (although I have to remake the beanie to a bigger size), and another beanie. Got my sister promoting me down in Cali cuz I made her a bunch of things for Christmas.
• Yubo got us iPads and a mobile hot spot for Christmas, a surprise that I ruined about two weeks early.
• Somewhere in there, I reconnected with a friend from high school, and have been helping him trudge through some issues. An unlikely reconnection, but something I feel God really had a hand in.
  

And that just about brings us to the new year. Our holidays in general were very laid back and simple. We just celebrated those just the two of us.

It was the same for New Year's Eve. Just the two of us. It was definitely a blessing to have Christmas, NYE and New Year's Day on weekends so Yubo could actually relax and enjoy those holidays.

Our worship team was up this morning to lead our congregation in their first worship service of the new year. A great honor, and everything went really well. The sound was great (so we were told, although a little muffled, which I think will always be our problem due to our sound board and equipment). We did an acoustic set with two acoustic guitars and a bass (our drummer was not available and we don't have anyone to play keys). It had a very intimate feel, and all of our vocalists were highlighted -- so easy to do with so few instruments, and a nice change of pace from what we normally do.

Our resolutions haven't been established. Probably just the general typical better health types. I'd like to grow deeper in my faith and let God take me where I haven't let him previously. Looking to make sure God has a stronger presence in our marriage.

I'll be graduating with an Associate's in General Studies this spring. Yubo should be getting his license in a few months as well. Then we'll seriously consider the possibility of us moving back down to California. I'm still really on the fence about it, but perhaps because there are things that still need to be done (like my schooling). So once that's all done with, we'll be able to consider things in a different perspective.

Both sides of the family are really pushing for us to go back down. I'll admit that the pressure has gotten really annoying and adds to me feeling like I don't want to. So really where I'm at is just trying to see if that's where God wants us to go, rather than what I want or what our families want.

Everyone seems to feel like big things are gonna happen this year. I suppose many people feel that way every year. For many, it was really tough, with the loss of jobs and loved ones -- just emotionally and financially draining. So it could just be that their hopes of a better year keep them moving forward.

Whatever the reason or motivation, we move forward. I'm looking forward to a good year. We will celebrate two years of marriage in a few months. I'll have my 10-year high school reunion, which I may or may not go to. I'll finally get a degree, and Yubo will finally get his license. And we'll go from there. Moving forward.