Sinking in.

It's so weird. When I think back on our move up from Cali, I don't remember it being so difficult. I remember the pain of seeing my dad cry when we finished packing my stuff into the truck. And crying after we got up here as I was reading a card from Akemi. But other than that, I don't remember it being difficult. Of course, I can read back to the entry I wrote about it back in 2009 when I started this blog and know that it really was a hard time for me.

But it was decided. Back then, I was following the man I love to a new life. I wasn't really conflicted. Despite the fear of leaving everything I ever knew, I at least had Yubo.

After 7 years up here in WA, it feels the same.... perhaps worse.

We had pushed up my moving time frame to the middle of March, because if I'm supposed to find a place for us to live first, my leaving needs to be a decent amount of time away from when Yubo wants to leave (beginning of April). Otherwise, we might was well just leave together and somehow manage at our parents' houses until we find a place of our own. Too stressful, though, with three cats.

I was updating our Google calendar to remove bill reminders that we wouldn't need anymore after April, and making sure I didn't accidentally schedule something important. It was vaguely unsettling that I only had to click through three months.

I also asked Yubo to email Ei-chan's wedding party to see if any progress has been made for the date of the bachelor party. Ideally, we'd be mostly settled somewhere in Cali so that Yubo can focus his attentions on attending his brother.

As I let Yubo take over my laptop to send the email (his was preoccupied with the game he was playing), it started sinking in. I started thinking, It's actually coming up pretty fast. As soon as the new year hits, I'm leaving in 2.5 months. Well, even if I'm not quite emotionally ready, I can at least be logistically/practically ready...

2.5 months.

Then it really hit me. I still don't want to go.

For some reason, after 7 years, I'm feeling like I'm in the same place I was 7 years ago. I'm leaving everything that I know to some foreign place. I'm out of touch with so many of my friends, many of them either no longer in MPK (which doesn't entirely matter since we'll more than likely be somewhere around Northridge) or with other circles of friends that I don't know. Aztec Singers has an established choreographer. Everyone has moved on, just as I have up here.

We'll have to find a new church and build up connections and relationships from scratch again. I'll have to shift gears from being so involved in church to being a newbie again. No worship team, no coordinating, no planning.

It feels more difficult than it was 7 years ago because I've grown deep roots here. Down in Cali, I was still young. I didn't really have anything established. I was growing up and wanting to learn how to be an adult on my own (sort of).

Up here, I've learned what I'm worth. I've learned to confide in people I trust. I've learned that I'm actually pretty good at the things I do. I've learned that I'm pretty darn happy up here... despite the weather and S.A.D. and streets that don't make sense.

And I remember, that even in all that California sun, I dealt with depression. And I'm scared to go back to that. I'm scared to be further reminded of who I was back then. But I have to know that fear is not from God. These are things that are being amplified in my head to possibly try and keep me from where God really wants me now (or soon).


After I cried to Yubo for a bit and told him how I was feeling (just as he started typing up the email), he even offered to stay. But I told him, no. Things are already in place. Things are already moving. And God already firmly told us to go. Even though He hasn't given us a clearer time frame, He hasn't retracted that statement to go. And I'm actually feeling like the things we needed to do up here are done. So we have to trust Him to lead us to what He has in store for us next.