Responses to FB comments.

Around 2am this morning, I posted this status:
If I'm still hurt that he won't even apologize, does that mean I haven't really forgiven him?

Below are select comments I got from a few friends. I found I had a lot to say in response, so I thought I'd turn it into a blog and still respond directly to each comment. Don't know if any of them will ask for this blog address to read my responses, and I'm ok with that. But these cover a pretty good spectrum that I feel it fitting to dedicate an entry to them.



"Maybe I'm just too lax or insensitive or whatever, but I never really understand what's the big deal with all these inter-personal relationship issues. I mean, at the end of the day, you're not starving in Africa. You have no terminal illness. You've got all your limbs. Your face was never disfigured in some fire or freak accident. Life has been pretty good to you. I feel like Yubo playing video games or you feeling emotionally discontent in some manner, as far as problems go, just isn't all that bad. It's not like he's cheating on you, a raging alcoholic, or actively participating in domestic violence. On the contrary, I get the impression that he cares about you a lot, but no one on this planet can give you everything that you need and want. Personally, when I get home from an evening of obligatory labor, I really want to be able to do whatever I want to be doing with the remainder of the time I've got left because I know what awaits me is yet another day of mindless and arduous labor. The last thing I want to do is something I don't want to do."


I tend to feel that we were created for relationships. Not only romantic relationships, but any and all relationships. And that is why I think relationships are much more important than many people make them out to be. We are not meant to be alone in this world. So the big deal is that a bad relationship leaves you alone. I would be fine to have a terminal illness, missing limbs, and/or disfigurement, as long as I wasn't alone. And if we want to get technical, my scoliosis is a disfigurement. My scars from scratches and cuts and accidents. But I have family and friends and Yubo and God. The relationships in my life are the blessings that keep me going. And with Yubo being my second most important relationship in my life, of course I'm strongly affected when something is wrong. Otherwise, God would have called me to live as Paul did, celibate and romantically single, but still having relationships with people. And even in that case, I would be burdened by a friendship that wasn't working out well. The way I see life, it all comes back to relationships.


If going off of what my friend ended with, how can I not be hurt or make a big deal if the one thing that the man I love wants to do when he gets home from a long day at work is NOT be with me?

One of my greatest frustrations stems from knowing how good we've been, how great we can be, and how amazing we're going to be. So when we're in a slump and it's looking like he doesn't want to get out of it (or at most, get us up to satisfactory), then I'm frustrated with the thought that he doesn't care enough about us to get us to that amazing that I know we have. Understand, though, that this is one of my filters. I have no proof that he "doesn't care enough about us to get us to that amazing" stage. And I know that I'm impatient, and not good at pacing myself (which he is good at). But when we live in a way that disconnects us from our relationship (that feeling that we're roommates instead of married), I get no balance from his way of doing things. Instead, I just get irritated.




"...when its Us time and he refuses to put down the damn DS after having played the same game for about 6 hours before I came home.. then yeah, I have a problem. I usually try to distract myself with whatever movie we're watching or maybe another crochet project because quite frankly, at this point, I feel it is an absolute waste of time to get upset over it.... again. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but after a little while, it just hurts less and less."


I have my things that I do all day. While he's working, I'm at school. And I practice guitar and do homework and work on church stuff and watch anime and play with the cats and knit and crochet. At the end of my day that has been filled with everything I can do without him, there's nothing more I can distract myself with when all I want is to be with him.


And I don't want it to hurt less and less. If it does, then something is wrong. Then it means I don't care anymore whether or not I can actually be with the one I love.




"Some of the things your friends have to say are pretty good.Here's my summary with my own twist. 1. You can forgive someone but still be left feeling hurt. I think you know it's forgiveness when in spite of feeling hurt you don't carry a grudge or harbor resentment. This is a subtle thing to pay attention to and only you can know, it is most clearly seen in those moments when you could do something to annoy the other person, and either choose not to, or choose to take a subtle stab. Another indication can be if you are talking to them, and feel the need to spin off into a narrative about how they hurt you to make them feel bad. This also would not be forgiveness 2. I'd like to rephrase what Andy said for my own liking. When a person feels hurt, sometimes they get tunnel vision. They look at the thing in life that's causing pain, and are forgetting to be grateful for all the wonderful blessings in the periphery. This is a kind of distortion of the big picture, and it happens to all of us at times. 3. It's perfectly reasonable to ask someone your married to, to set aside quality time where they are not focused on doing anything other than just being with you/ doing something with you. If they aren't engaged in the activity, then there are times that finding out what THEY would like to do with you during the quality time would be of value. Finally, it's pretty important to find something you're passionate about that you enjoy doing for it's own sake. "Having your own life" This makes it easier to adjust a change in plans if something doesn't work out that you'd planned, but you have a different thing you could do that you actually do look forward to doing. Hope that helps!"


I already pretty much responded to the "having your own life" thing above. Basketball was my choice for what to do that he likes, but due to crazy schedules, has fallen by the wayside at the moment. Honestly, the only other thing he would want to do is game. And even if I tried to start playing a game with him, it would be just like basketball. Once I'm done, he'll continue on at his pace. So for a game, he'd stay slow and put up with being killed several times and having to revive me several times and putting up with missed and failed quests because I'm not good enough, and then redeem all that time for himself by staying up longer to play with his friends that actually know what they're doing. Then I would feel that the only times he'd actually let me play a game with him is just to humor and placate me.


This may sound like I'm painting a bad picture of him, but if you really pay attention, it's me that's looking ugly. Because as wonderful as he is to me, there's not much he can do to show me that he actually enjoys being with me. It's a change I have to make in myself, and that I am very aware of. I still have a very low view of myself, and even the slightest dismissal from him just confirms my view 10 times over. I know how wrong that kind of thinking is. Trust me, this is far from the lowest state of self-destruction I've been. Unfortunately, negativity still is more powerful to me than positivity, because that's the energy I've been working with for at least 25 years of my life.


So let's see where Yubo and I are in another 25 years when we're celebrating our 27th anniversary -- and yes, I do believe we will be celebrating anniversaries until we die.... or until Jesus comes back, whichever happens first.