Treating Symptoms.

May 4-6 was our church retreat. It was an amazing weekend, and so much more than we (the planning team) could have hoped for.

By the end of the retreat, I was faced with something that I've struggled with for so long: forgiveness. Or rather, my lack of forgiveness.

I can't remember if I wrote about this before, but during one of our moments of tension in which he apologized, I told him that although I acknowledged his apology, I could not say I forgave him and mean it.

for·give

verb \fər-ˈgiv, fȯr-\

 

transitive verb

1a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult> b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>

2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon <forgive one's enemies>

 

 

I couldn't do it. I would still hold things over his head. I would still think about times when he didn't actually apologize, and feel like he still owed me one.

 

Well, at the end of that retreat, by the grace and power of God, I forgave him. Truly forgave him for everything in the past that I still held him to.

 

It was a good breakthrough for me, and I left that weekend feeling energized and excited.

 

 

Well, that didn't last long.

 

That next Monday, we fought. Now, we don't scream at each other, we don't get violent, and we don't really do a lot that most people might do in what they would call a "fight." I was just talking to him (nagging, really, but in a not obviously nagging way), and he shut down hard. And I ended up leaving the house just as I had when I caught him smoking back in February. I sat in the car at the park and cried. Still feeling the bond I created with the planning team at the retreat, I emailed them for help and prayer. Called one of them after driving over to Shari's for dinner; the time had calmed me down, and talking and praying with her helped further. I got home about 2 hours after leaving, and I apologized for lashing out, and forgave him for the same. Then after he went to bed, I ended up on the phone with P.Keith for a bit for more advice and guidance before finally going to bed myself.

 

I was scared, because we usually recover from fights fairly quickly, and yet he was still very upset the entire day Tuesday. The tension remained until Wednesday, until I asked him if we could make up. It was a nice reminder that we do still love each other, and can still come together to enjoy each other amongst all the frustrations.

 

We met with P.Keith together that Saturday, and left with the tension almost back up to full power. But as P.Keith suggested, we started reading Mark together and praying every night, even if it's just the Lord's prayer. Although that has helped a bit, we haven't talked about things as I would like.

 

The latest incident is what sparks this entry.

 

Yesterday (Sunday), I caved in and let Yubo get Diablo III. As with every time he got a new game, I asked if he would not spend too long on it since we both had to wake up early today, and he said he wouldn't. And what happened? He spent too long playing. And he tried to finish up his night as if nothing happened and I wasn't bothered.

 

In light of what happened at the retreat, and with the understanding that forgiveness isn't a one-time deal for us humans toward each other, I had a question. The question was not meant to come off as emotionally charged; it really was just something that I was simply wondering. I posted in on FB, but with it following the previous status about worrying about Yubo playing Diablo III, I understand that my friends took it that way. More on that in the next entry.

 

Basically, though, I asked: If I'm still hurt that he won't even apologize, does that mean I haven't really forgiven him?

 

I just wanted to know if it counted as forgiveness if I didn't hold resentment but still felt hurt by the event. I could forgive him and not feel like he owed me an apology or anything, but I was still hurt that he didn't feel the need to apologize. Because I wanted to make sure that I was really forgiving him as I wanted to.

 

I asked him if we could at least talk today about what happened last night, and he agreed.

 

And we finally get to my title: treating symptoms.

 

Everything I focus on has been a symptom rather than what's actually causing things.... the virus, if you will. My vision is filled with his gaming, his smoking, the messy house, not spending time together, not having sex often enough, that I nag, that I'm trying to force him into a schedule, and other obvious surface things like that. Nothing or not enough about why. Just that it's happening and it should stop.

 

We both know that what happened on the 7th had nothing to do with what it seemed like on the surface (the fight was outwardly about going to play basketball and limiting his time). But we focused on it because we didn't know how to or didn't want to dig deeper to find the real issue.

 

The first thing we're trying to do, though, is to not resort to our usual tactics when facing and dealing with conflict.

 

When meeting with P.Keith, we were able to verbalize our tactics in this way:

• Yubo shuts down, and what he thinks he gets by shutting down is peace.
• I run, and what I think I get by running is giving the other person peace.

And we know that it doesn't work like that. It doesn't really bring us peace, and instead, has hurt us both rather severely because of how long we've been doing this.

So we're hoping that as we stop shutting down and running away, we'll be able to focus that energy we would have used to instead find and work on the actual issues.

Reading Mark and praying is helping us to finally bring God into our relationship, and the goal is to finally let Him rule like He's supposed to. And that's our first and most important step.