Sinking in.

It's so weird. When I think back on our move up from Cali, I don't remember it being so difficult. I remember the pain of seeing my dad cry when we finished packing my stuff into the truck. And crying after we got up here as I was reading a card from Akemi. But other than that, I don't remember it being difficult. Of course, I can read back to the entry I wrote about it back in 2009 when I started this blog and know that it really was a hard time for me.

But it was decided. Back then, I was following the man I love to a new life. I wasn't really conflicted. Despite the fear of leaving everything I ever knew, I at least had Yubo.

After 7 years up here in WA, it feels the same.... perhaps worse.

We had pushed up my moving time frame to the middle of March, because if I'm supposed to find a place for us to live first, my leaving needs to be a decent amount of time away from when Yubo wants to leave (beginning of April). Otherwise, we might was well just leave together and somehow manage at our parents' houses until we find a place of our own. Too stressful, though, with three cats.

I was updating our Google calendar to remove bill reminders that we wouldn't need anymore after April, and making sure I didn't accidentally schedule something important. It was vaguely unsettling that I only had to click through three months.

I also asked Yubo to email Ei-chan's wedding party to see if any progress has been made for the date of the bachelor party. Ideally, we'd be mostly settled somewhere in Cali so that Yubo can focus his attentions on attending his brother.

As I let Yubo take over my laptop to send the email (his was preoccupied with the game he was playing), it started sinking in. I started thinking, It's actually coming up pretty fast. As soon as the new year hits, I'm leaving in 2.5 months. Well, even if I'm not quite emotionally ready, I can at least be logistically/practically ready...

2.5 months.

Then it really hit me. I still don't want to go.

For some reason, after 7 years, I'm feeling like I'm in the same place I was 7 years ago. I'm leaving everything that I know to some foreign place. I'm out of touch with so many of my friends, many of them either no longer in MPK (which doesn't entirely matter since we'll more than likely be somewhere around Northridge) or with other circles of friends that I don't know. Aztec Singers has an established choreographer. Everyone has moved on, just as I have up here.

We'll have to find a new church and build up connections and relationships from scratch again. I'll have to shift gears from being so involved in church to being a newbie again. No worship team, no coordinating, no planning.

It feels more difficult than it was 7 years ago because I've grown deep roots here. Down in Cali, I was still young. I didn't really have anything established. I was growing up and wanting to learn how to be an adult on my own (sort of).

Up here, I've learned what I'm worth. I've learned to confide in people I trust. I've learned that I'm actually pretty good at the things I do. I've learned that I'm pretty darn happy up here... despite the weather and S.A.D. and streets that don't make sense.

And I remember, that even in all that California sun, I dealt with depression. And I'm scared to go back to that. I'm scared to be further reminded of who I was back then. But I have to know that fear is not from God. These are things that are being amplified in my head to possibly try and keep me from where God really wants me now (or soon).


After I cried to Yubo for a bit and told him how I was feeling (just as he started typing up the email), he even offered to stay. But I told him, no. Things are already in place. Things are already moving. And God already firmly told us to go. Even though He hasn't given us a clearer time frame, He hasn't retracted that statement to go. And I'm actually feeling like the things we needed to do up here are done. So we have to trust Him to lead us to what He has in store for us next.

Getting Healthy: Juice. First two recipes.

We got a juicer for a great price off of Craigslist. I was interested in juicing before, but became even more interested after watching "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." The movie/documentary came up in a lot of the the articles and pages I was reading about juicing.

The plan was to replace at least one soda a day with fresh juice. Honestly, I haven't been so consistent, but I do recognize that inconsistency isn't something to get discouraged about. Just need to keep trying. And I do feel better on the days that I do have juice.

Anyway, I thought I'd list some recipes here so that I don't lose or forget them.

Recipe #1: Carrot-Apple-Celery
Nice and simple, and I have no problem with the fruits or veggies in their natural form -- meaning, I would already willingly eat them. Figured that would be the best way to ease me into a juice.

2 carrots
2 Granny Smith apples
1-2 stalks celery

I originally started with 2 stalks of celery, but the taste and aroma were pretty strong. So, although I haven't tried it yet, the next time I make it I will probably take the celery down to one. Also found that I preferred Granny Smith to Gala apples for this one.

Recipe #2: Not-so-Mean Green
I gave it this name because it's not the traditional recipe.

3 handfuls baby spinach
2 cucumbers
1 stalk celery
3 Granny Smith apples
1 peeled lemon

The kale that Yubo bought turned up with a snail or something -- enough to freak us both out to not use it. I didn't use parsley because I don't care for it, and added the celery because it's refreshing. One recipe I found asked for two lemons -- just using one was more than enough. I might even go to half next time. Anyway, overall happy with the way this recipe turned out. Really refreshing.

Babe.

I give nicknames to the majority of my friends. I suppose it's because I want them to know that they are special to me, and to hope that in turn, I am special to them (e.g. I'm the only one that calls them that).

Sometimes I wonder if it's annoying to them, but whatever. LoL.

So we know that Yubo calls me "Mochi," and that nickname has spread to some of his friends and family, which I don't mind. It does make it entertaining when someone is talking about mochi (pounded rice cake), and I think they are talking about me. But I suppose it started to feel less endearing.

I mentioned in a FB status a while ago how after two years, I still get a bit giddy when I hear him talking to someone else and refer to me as, "my wife." My theory is that it's because we're so comfortable and casual in our relationship, and that we're really horrible at being sweet and romantic with each other -- one of us (and honestly, usually it's me) will ruin the mood with a weird face or a joke.

Recently, we had a mini fight that I thought would be worse than it was. I actually told Yubo that I didn't believe that he comes home to me -- rather, that he comes home to games and his teammates, or simply to get away from his job. He went to bed really early that night, and then I didn't get to see him for about two days after that because work got crazy.

Somehow, it mostly resolved itself. And at some point one night, I asked him if he would try calling me "babe" or "baby" because our other nicknames for each other weren't sexy (I call him "bub" or "bubba"). He probably thought I was being crazy, but he humored me, and actually nonchalantly threw it out there.... and I got really giddy.

For some reason, just that little endearment made me feel like we started over, like we were in a new relationship with each and just started dating. Somehow, encapsulated in that little word, he makes me feel special, wanted, sexy, treasured. Even though loads of couples all over the world use that same word, it manages to mean something like that to me. Heck, we use "babe" and "baby" as nicknames for Tifa! But it's said in a different tone, and really does have a different meaning behind it.

He probably hasn't thought about any of this when he uses the word -- he just knows that it makes me giggle and blush, and that I like it. But on top of all that, lately he'll come home and greet me before he sits at his laptop or the TV. I don't know how long this will last, but be sure that I am reveling in it.

It really is surprising how such a seemingly insignificant adjustment can mean so much.