Kissing.

This might be TMI (too much information) for some of you, but if you're scared or put off by my honesty, you probably shouldn't be reading any blog written by me to begin with. :P Just saying.

I'll also put it out there that I'm still frustrated to feel like I don't have any Christian friends to go to about topics like intimacy. All the friends that I am comfortable talking to about sex (and when we talk about it, we really talk about it) aren't Christian.

Anyway...

It might already be pretty well known that Yubo and I don't kiss very often. It was the smoking that initially got me to stop wanting to get my face anywhere near his face, much less actually make any contact. In fact, I let his smoking steal away a lot of our intimacy. I stopped wanting to hug or hold him, or even hold his hand, and the distance at which I walked from him grew.

Back to the kissing though. At some point, aside from the smoking, I discovered that Yubo doesn't always get around to brushing his teeth in the morning. I can't stand my own morning breath, so that made locking lips with him even more disgusting to me.

Between the brushing and the smoking, it started to feel like he was doing it on purpose. I began to feel like he actually didn't want to kiss me. So I thought, Well, fine. I don't want to kiss you either.

Definitely not true. Especially during what I would call an intimacy drought. My hands literally ache to touch him, and my lips yearn for contact. And yet I let all sorts of things continue to get in the way of satisfying my desire for him. And our relationship suffers for that. Because I let things get in the way, or refuse his advances over stupid things, he feels rejected and unloved. Physical touch is one of his primary love languages, and I am ashamed that even when I actually want to speak it, I don't.

There are many mornings when I wake up alone in bed because Yubo's gone off to work already, and I can't help but fantasize about him (and this doesn't always include a sexual encounter, by the way). Often I will think back to when we were first dating, or make up scenarios of first meetings. The first thing that always happens in the fantasy is kissing -- the kind of kissing where it's all anticipation and passion and hearts fluttering, and you break from it breathless, feeling shy as you try to hide just how much you enjoyed it.

As I finished this morning's first date fantasy, I thought about why I fantasize about kissing so much but don't do much of it in real life. My curiosity led me to this article.

Of course, as I explained earlier, our kissing was minimized well before we got married. And I mourn the lost time, and deeply regret the damage I've done to us.

I just proposed to Yubo an experiment: that we have a good kiss at least once a day, with no option for refusal. The difficult part for me would be to receive a kiss before he's brushed his teeth in the morning. The nice part is that it frees me to be able to kiss him when I want to, without my fears that he would reject me for whatever reason.

The unspoken exception would be when it's simply not safe to kiss him, like when he returns home covered in dirt or mud or fiberglass, or his worst, sewage (oh, the joys of plumbing).

So we will see how this goes. I am encouraged by the article, and I'm hoping that I will let this work for us. ^^;;;

New blog title.

Even though what we had before was a joke, I wonder if the power of words really started coming into play. For reference, the blog used to be called, "Honey, I don't think this is gonna work," or something along those lines.

Hosea 2:19 is the verse that I had written on our wedding cake.

In the New English Translation, it says, "I will commit myself to you forever; I will commit myself to you in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love and tender compassion."

So all jokes aside, I want this blog to show that we really are committed to each other.

Guilty until proven innocent.

Although I was quite visibly bothered last night, Yubo chose to ignore it. So of course, I had to confront him about it.

It wasn't a terrible fight or anything. I told him that although it doesn't look like it, I really do try hard to trust him. And I told him that maybe I really do need him to jump through hoops to help build my confidence in him.

However, I also told him that when he does those trigger things, and then ignores me, I see that as him being guilty. Especially if it's right before bed for no good reason, and he goes to rinse with Listerine as soon as he gets in, even though I know he brushes and rinses before bed.

He asked if he seriously needed to say, "I didn't smoke," as soon as he walks in.

I told him that he needs to not be scared to defend himself if he's innocent. He can't let me accuse him of things (even if I'm not outright accusing him) if he's not doing anything wrong. If I'm acting huffy and bothered, I'm suspicious, and if he doesn't do anything to dispell my suspicion, he's guilty. That's honestly how it plays out in my head. It's like, he's not defending himself because he knows he did something wrong that would hurt me.

And I said something along the lines of, "If you have to go outside right before bed for whatever reason, and you see that I'm bothered when you come in, give me a hug and a kiss first. That's the ultimate proof."

The Little Things.

It's pretty amazing how big the little things can get. I suppose the amplification of things is mostly due to my paranoia and suspicion.

He's been finding strange reasons to go outside again. Just now he said he wanted to go outside to cool off. I told him he should just turn down our thermostat and take off the long sleeved shirt he was wearing. He mumbled something about wanting to go to bed as a nonsensical reason, and went outside... with his keys. If you're just going to cool off, why do you have to go to your truck?

And earlier today, he said he wanted to find some Ameriprise paperwork he had in the truck. There's really no good reason why he would bring Ameriprise mail to his truck. He came back in empty-handed anyway.

I'm really trying my best to trust him, but this nagging feeling won't go away.

He really could have such reasons to go outside, so I don't understand why I have to make such big deals out of each situation.

I tell him that I don't want him to jump through hoops, but I wonder if that's a big lie. I keep saying he knows my triggers -- the biggest one is when he decides for some strange reason to go outside, especially right before bed -- so he should be more aware of his actions and not do those things as we're trying to rebuild my trust in him. I'd say that's jumping through hoops, wouldn't you?

I just wish I knew what to do about it. I wonder how many people will say, "Just trust him." But I can't. I feel like if I do that, I'm enabling him to get away with things with me. Sounds like I really don't think much of him. And maybe I don't, in this area of our relationship. And maybe I feel like he doesn't respect me if he's really lying to me.

How much do I try my best to be the loving wife God tells me to be, and how much should I expect him to be the husband God tells him to be? Or do I simply not expect anything and love as much as I can from my side? I feel like that's not a healthy way to go about things at all.

LCC 10th Anniversary. Counterpoint.

LCC 10th Anniversary
Lighthouse just celebrated it's 10th anniversary this past weekend. On Saturday evening we had the service, and Sunday morning was spent servicing the community.

Royce, the head of 29:11 (our young adult/career ministry) and intern pastor, wrote a spoken word piece that went over the history of Lighthouse. Yubo was asked to perform it, along with our dear friend Rose and Kyle, a SYTE kid.

Yubo was so ridiculously excited about the project that he memorized his lines within the first day of receiving the script. Actually, I take that back. He memorized his lines within the day after their first rehearsal because then it was established that it was to be memorized.

I had a love/hate response from Yubo's excitement. I loved that he was so passionate and excited about the project, but it was getting pretty annoying how often he was advertising it.

I sat through the first rehearsal. It was pretty fun to hear them read through the script a few times. The difference in personalities really came out as they delivered their lines, and it worked out so well because that's how it was supposed to be. It was all similar enough, but just with different flavoring. ^_^

The following Friday, they rehearsed with the band. I had to miss out because I answered an ad for a model to help with a photography lighting workshop. I regretted missing the rehearsal. Yubo was quick to tell me how amazing it was.

The final rehearsal was set to the following Friday, a day before the anniversary service. On Wednesday night, Royce called me and told me Rose had fallen ill and wasn't sure if she would be able to recover in time. Actually, her whole household was sick. Royce told me that he and P.Keith were trying to figure out who to ask to fill in, and I came to mind as one of the few that would most likely be able to pull it off.

So I was 90% memorized by that Friday rehearsal. It was interesting reading with them. I couldn't seem to get very into it or get excited about it. Maybe I was numbing myself to the whole thing because Yubo was already so overexcited about it. I suppose he covered the excitement for both of us, so I was desensitized. Or it could be that because I have no style, attitude, or "flava", I didn't feel suited for the role. As my best friend Eric once told me, "You're whiter than I am!"

Saturday evening arrived. Yubo and I were dolled up, and I was feeling more and more concerned about my lines. We would have a confidence monitor at the back of the house, but I wasn't too sure if it was going to help me. Running through lines again, and there were two spots that I kept getting snagged on. I started feeling anxious; I was scared I was going to let them down. Even when I got through it once or twice without a mistake, I couldn't feel relief or confidence.

As with most things that involve Lighthouse, things were running late. Some of us suspect it has something to do with the combination of Asian time and Hawaiian time. But we completed sound checks and super duper last minute rehearsals on the stage.

And then it was time.

I kicked into performer mode as I hit the stage. I was cool to see how full the house was. The congregation from both services, plus guests. We went through the piece, nearly flawlessly. I had to rely on the monitor once or twice, but was told it wasn't noticeable.

The audience's response was amazing. Kyle's rapping was dynamic and full of energy, and he got cheers and applause, which fed all of us. Yubo's intensity at the end garnered even more cheers. We were a little scared that they wouldn't know what to do with this kind of performance, but we underestimated our congregation. It was so cool to experience their reactions.

But at the same time, I felt apart from it. It's not that I wanted cheers or anything -- my part didn't warrant any and I was perfectly fine with that. Perhaps it was that I wasn't in it at the beginning, so I still felt I was just filling in.

Yubo was amazing. It'd been a long time since I've seen him act. I wondered how much it made him miss being on stage in that way. This was completely different from being on worship.

We got a lot of praise as people met us after the service was over. Yubo was with me most of the time, so I left him to the majority of the responding. I felt like they kept me in the congratulations because I was on stage, not that I did so well. Kyle and Yubo were the memorable ones.

One thing that boosted me a bit was when P.Keith came to me. He complimented me specifically, and that was probably the first time I felt I actually did well.

So that was all about the spoken word piece. The anniversary service as a whole was great. The highlight for me was when P.Wayne asked for everyone that was baptized at Lighthouse to stand. It was so moving to see how many people stood.

A comment from a lady was passed on that she had been to a number of anniversary services, but this was the only one where Jesus was celebrated, and not just the church.

I was honored to be involved in the celebration. I know that we were celebrating how good and faithful God has been to Lighthouse, and I'm happy that really came through.

We were told that there is a DVD, and our AV guys are going to see what distribution will be like. I think we're only allowed so many copies because of the licenses on the music, but it we cut out the music, there can be as many copies as desired. I really want to send one down to Yubo's parents so they can see his performance.


Counterpoint
Yubo and I recently joined an a capella group called Counterpoint that comes from Cornerstone Christian Fellowship (I think), which is one of the churches that Lighthouse is good buddies with. Matt Sekijima, who is like the David Gaulton of Lighthouse, introduced us.

It's a really fun group to be in. Yubo's already got a solo. :) BUT I want to work with him to not strain his voice on some of those tenor notes, no thanks to Steven Curtis Chapman.

We're in a very awkward situation where the group is mostly men and not enough women, which incidentally makes a female solo a little difficult to come by. Yeah, I'm a little discouraged by that. I think it's where my jealousy of Yubo comes out.

I remember when Yubo was first asked to sub on a worship team, I was so happy for him but nearly sick with envy. It was easy to ask him because there are plenty of women on the worship teams and they're always looking for male voices.

Although the Counterpoint situation is reversed, it means that it would be more likely to have a male solo because we only have three women in the group (including me), and we can rarely spare one for a solo. So when we were asked to prayfully consider a solo for one of the songs we're rehearsing, I felt I couldn't offer myself.

I'm sure all that sounds very egotistical, and some of it probably is. I mean, although I completely understand the situation, it's still a little discouraging. However, it's not that I want to be in the spotlight. It's that I usually step up when no one else seems to want to, and I feel bad when it's a situation where it seems I can't due to such limitations.

And then I shoot myself down, wondering why I ever thought I might be good enough to actually take a solo. :P

But actually, I'd rather help build their technique. Some have it, some don't, and I want to help the ones that don't.... but I don't think they really want the help. Kinda like the situation in choir. Well, maybe not quite, but I don't know how to approach the subject without sounding like I'm insulting them.

Even Yubo doesn't like the tips, suggestions and advice I offer him because they weren't asked for.

Anyway, that's what we've been up to lately alongside his work issues and my job-hunting.

Dreaded Dishes.

Looking away from the mess of the house -- which isn't realy entirely possible as you see a mess everywhere you look -- we've found that the real monster of the house is a full sink.

Dishes seem to be the thing that no one ever wants to do, and with good reason. We let them pile up so much that they move from a simple tedious task to this all-day project.

My solution, which we have yet to implement, is to store away all the excess dishes. It's only two of us. We rarely entertain (due to the mess of the house), so we don't need to have so many available to us.

Not only will that help us to wash dishes regularly, if we did allow them to pile up, it wouldn't be so daunting.

Yubo was kind enough to do dishes like he said he would yesterday as he tried to watch the Superbowl. With much of it done, I will search for storage bags to safely store away all the excess stuff, and reorganize our storage closet so we have a place to put them.