It's not that the "Favorite Things" didn't last very long. It's just that I haven't really blogged about anything in a while. Although, to be quite honest, it would be very difficult for me right now to think of another favorite thing to write about. It's not because I ran out of favorite things; it's because I'm currently blogging because I'm irritated.
Once again, I wonder if the issues we have are all in my head.
Once again, I feel like I'm just another pet to be fed and ignored. (Some people might actually agree with this, that I'm just another pet....)
He's been depressed. Frustrations with work have finally pushed him over. And with his receiving his XBox Gold Live account (by my stupid recommendation) and the various games that were released in time for the holidays, he's been even more deeply engrossed in gaming than ever before. It certainly doesn't help that he has friends that are actually staying up well past midnight to play online with him. And friends aside, online games have always kept him up much longer.
So of course, my issues with his gaming have reached an all-time high. He's been playing Battlefield 3, which in conjunction with his depression and frustrations from work, turned him into this rude, loud, cursing, obnoxious thing on the couch. He thankfully toned it down after receiving a very long text message from me, but those things still come up from time to time, flaring my irritation.
Along with this, he hasn't been sleeping much. For the past couple of weeks, I'd say, he hasn't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep on a week night. He'll insist on playing until 2-3am, step outside for 15 minutes for fresh air, come back in to pick at his face in the bathroom mirror for another 15 minutes before finally retiring to bed. He then sleeps for 2 hours, until his first of three alarms blares at 5:30am, at which point he's woken up repeatedly by me begging him to turn his alarm off. This happens at least three times between 5:30am and 6:00am. After I'm finally able to nag him out of bed at his own request, I continue to sleep until after noon because I'm so tired from all the interruptions to my own sleep.
So this sleep thing is really what I'm irritated about, with many other factors contributing to it.
On the one hand, I really am concerned for his health and overall well-being. And on the other hand, I'm greatly concerned for my own health and overall well-being. My upset comes from thinking that he does not share that concern for himself, much less for me. Or perhaps more importantly that he doesn't seem to care about my well-being. He'd be willing enough to pay to send me to doctors, but won't make any small changes in the house for me.
He went to bed at around 2:30 or so this morning, telling me he had to be up at 5:30. So I asked him, "Are you actually ok with just getting 3 hours of sleep every night?" He told me he was. And I told him if that's the truth, then we will have to figure out a way to sleep in separate rooms. (And he will just have to find a way to wake himself up.)
He also told me that no matter how much sleep he got, 3 hours or 8 or 10 hours, that he always had a problem waking up. Well, if you think about the concept of sleep debt, then that makes sense. Over his lifetime, he's acquired such an excessive amount of sleep debt that he's still "paying it off" as he continues to add to it. Yet this is something I think he doesn't believe.
He'll say things like, "Sleep is overrated," and, "I'll sleep when I'm dead." But will choose to sleep in if he's not "needed" at church or there's nothing important we had scheduled for the weekend. He's more than willing to spend an entire weekend mostly sleeping; he'll sleep when he's not gaming or working. And sometimes he'll sleep while he's "working" -- another thing that greatly irritates me, and I call him on it whenever I can.
Anyway, he tries to make it like his sleep isn't a problem. But I feel like it's glaringly obvious that it is. And that he's still just trying too hard to live like a carefree teenager. Quarter-life crisis?
It's just past 4:30am right now. When I'm so concerned about my own sleep, why am I still up? Because the knowledge that, just a short 3 hours after that light went out, I'd be fighting him to turn off his darned alarms, made me decide to get out of bed and wait rather than have my sleep interrupted. I'll be able to get hopefully more uninterrupted sleep in an hour after he leaves for work...... assuming the cats don't choose that time to go crazy...... which they probably will.
I feel like all would be solved if I could just figure out how to sleep on my own. To be able to drown out Yubo's gaming.... even to forget his and the cats' existences for a beautiful and peaceful 8 hours. So I feel like it's all my fault. My failing because I can't sleep on my own. Because I can't do anything to help him feel better.
I'm upset, feeling that he doesn't come home to me. He comes home to BF3 and Kent and AJ and Albert and Mushi and whoever else is online to play with him. He comes home to his side of the recliner couch and Mountain Dew.
I feel like I'm such a failure as a wife because there is nothing in me that my husband can enjoy after a long and difficult day. All I do is bring him more suffering. So I should be thankful that he has his friends that he can connect with online, and this game that he can use to take out his frustrations. At least he'd rather shoot random characters in a game than fight with me, right?
I'm really having a tough time. I wrote on FB, "My selfishness is disguised as concern for him. Rather than demand that he reassess his life and priorities, I better reassess mine."
Is it really my fault that I feel so cut off from him? Is it really his fault that I'm not getting sleep?
It shouldn't be about who's at fault, but it doesn't look like either of us is very willing to take responsibility for the pain we're causing each other. And fault aside, it doesn't look like we'll be working together any time soon to take action to resolve these things between us.
When we're both in a hole, how can we help each other get out?
Life....
12 years ago
