Sometimes it IS what you say.

The morning already didn't start off well. There were two things that needed to be done today: I needed to pick up a my bridesmaid dress up in Lynnwood, and Yubo needed to go back to Value Village to make an exchange. I woke Yubo up earlier than he wanted to, trying to get him to come up to Lynnwood with me. As usual, even though I really didn't need him to come with me, I just wanted his company. Well, he didn't care to give me his company, and the tension rose.

He eventually got out of bed, checking his radio because it had been beeping. Without a word, he threw on some pants, grabbed his keys and went outside. It took him a long time to come back in, so I finally decided to get out of bed myself. When I looked out the window to see what the weather was like, I saw that his truck was gone.

......I really hate when he leaves without saying anything to me.

So I thought I would rush to get myself ready and leave before he got home. Forget having him come run errands with me if he doesn't have the decency to let his wife know he's going somewhere. If he tried calling to find out where I was, I wouldn't answer the phone. He doesn't care to let me know where he is; why should I let him know where I am?

I was too slow, and he got home just as I finished brushing my teeth. Turned out they were paging him to recalibrate his gps, and so he had to drive around in circles. But still, he knew that before getting out of bed and didn't say anything, not thinking that his going outside first thing in the morning is one of my paranoia triggers. Even worse when he drives off.

"Oh, you're back," I said, flatly.

"Yup," he replied, unaffected.

Soon, he was on the phone with P.Nancy, discussing a reading he's going to do tomorrow after her message. He was dressed, ready to go wherever he was going to go. I waited for him to finish his call so I could ask him what the plans were for the day -- if we were going to run our errands separately. But his call didn't finish, and I was very hungry. I whispered to him, asking if he was actually coming with me. He nodded, and I offered to drive so he could continue to talk. He ignored my irritation, as he's become so good at doing over the years.

Things got better during the drive and as we settled on where to eat. We picked up my dress, then found a Value Village nearby so we wouldn't have to drive all the way back down to the one we knew in Kirkland. The mood started going sour again the longer we stayed there -- our opinions weren't matching up as far as costuming ideas for his character. Well, they sort of matched up, but after we found some suitable options, Yubo started getting fanciful and I was bursting his bubbles.

Our conversation during the drive home was about business options. My dad is still pretty set on having us take over one of the dollar stores because he wants to go off and do another thing... importing or something. Although I really don't want to be in that kind of business, Yubo was voicing how he wouldn't mind it. However, he wasn't so great at actually pointing out any benefits aside from less work for about the same amount of income. He talked about how something like that is already established and would be easy to train to take over, and he wouldn't have to work as hard or as long as he does now. He'd have more free time, he said. Well, more free time for what?

I've become cynical towards Yubo having more free time. Yes, he would have more free time, but it would be more free time to not spend with me. I know. I'm selfish and inconsiderate, but it does hurt me that with what little free time he has now, I'm nearly starving for his attention. His free time now is spent winding down from the work day or week. Any extra free time he gains is usually filled with something to do for church or other favors for friends, and then he's too tired to do anything with me. So I'm convinced that if he gained any more free time, he would simply add that to his alone time rather than put any more time towards us. And he hasn't convinced me otherwise.

We made it home, and conversation continued. He was still trying to explain to me how taking over the store might be a good idea. But somewhere near the end of his explanation of how we might just get stuck in this rut of him working so hard or even harder, he said, "...for as long as we're together."

Not, "for as long as we live," or, "until we both retire," which give a better indication of the lengthiness of our commitment to each other. "...for as long as we're together." Ugh! The subtext of those words! It seemed like there was a termination date to our relationship that might happen before we die. He didn't say it in any ominous way, or in any tone that showed any displeasure with me or us. Just that choice of words...

"That's a strange way to say it," I managed to say. And he continued to try to explain.

"I don't think you understand how I took that." I was fighting tears. What a dumb thing to cry about. Why was I taking it so hard?

He mumbled that he kind of understood how I might have heard it. As my first few tears fell, he walked out of the room. I heard him put the keys away, and then he went into the bathroom. I had my hands pressed against my eyes when he finally came back into the room. He asked if I was ok, and I didn't know how to answer. A moment passed, and he asked again.

"I'm just trying to convince myself that that wasn't some sort of Freudian slip."

"Well, it wasn't." He voice was defensive, almost angry. And he simply walked away again.

He didn't respond when I noted his anger aloud. When I went into the bathroom, he grabbed the keys again and drove off somewhere.

It was such a build up. The tension at the start of the day. The irritation with each other regarding our errands. My concern for my sister after my mom told me she and her partner of 7 years might split up. Feeling like Yubo was siding with my dad, trying to put me in a place I didn't want to be. And then those words.

We haven't resolved anything yet. I buried myself in a project, and he started playing his video game (a bit loudly). He was kind enough to pick up some dinner when I asked, but I stayed here in the office to eat. Didn't even look at him when he brought the food in.

It's easy to say that we're both probably overreacting to the situation. But this really does go deeper. It's my darn insecurity, and how I keep looking to him for reassurance, and how he rarely reassures me. I think my level of insecurity makes him doubt us. I might ask him that, actually. But I recognize how much of an insult to him my insecurity is. It indicates that he's not doing enough, that he's not good enough, and never will be because I remain insecure.

I really wish we could afford counseling. We try to talk on our own, but we don't get anywhere. We go around in circles, bringing up the same unresolved issues with no progress made towards any solutions.