Sleep.

If you pay any attention to my FB status updates, a good 90% of them are complaining about my messed up sleep schedule. Sorry about that. But as I got to thinking about how to correct it, I started thinking about how all this is affecting our relationship, and how it's affected us in the past.

Sleep, in general, has always been an issue for me. Likewise, it's consistently been an issue for us.

For myself, sleep is very important. However, I've put it on such a high pedestal that I've actually refused to do anything on lack of sleep. Amazingly, I never lost a job because of the excuses I would make to get all the sleep I thought I needed in order to function (rather than just plowing through the day tired), but it has definitely gotten in the way of college classes. I obviously know that I have the ability to force myself to function through a day without much sleep -- somehow I survived our wedding day -- but I tend to allow my strong preference to do otherwise take precedence.

I suppose the reason I put so much into sleep is that I've rarely had a good experience with sleep, and I know that a good night's sleep really is quite important. For as long as I can remember, it's always been difficult for me to even fall asleep in the first place. My mind just won't shut off, so I'm left lying in bed for at least 2hrs before I finally manage to drift off. I feel like I spend a lot of my sleep time in REM, as I have a large number of dreams that I remember, and I almost always have at least one dream that I remember during any sleep session. Rarely do I wake up feeling alert or refreshed. Often, my sleep gets interrupted, which just irritates me because, unless I'm ridiculously tired, it will then take me another hour or so to fall back asleep.

Yubo doesn't seem to care about sleep as much as I do. Or actually, he cares about it when I think he shouldn't so much, and vice versa. He likes to call himself a night owl. He's told me before that he doesn't like the feeling of "missing out" when he's sleeping. He'll usually put off sleep for as long as possible playing a game or watching his favorite television series, even when he needs to up early the next morning. If left to himself, he'll stay up until about 3 or 4 in the morning, even though he has to wake up at 7 or 8. He doesn't like to tell me when he needs to wake up (especially if it's earlier than usual) because he knows that I will try to get him to sleep earlier. Because I think it's so important, I usually find myself mothering him when it comes to getting to bed at a decent time in order to get enough sleep.

He feels that he can always make up for lost sleep later. Not quite, "I'll sleep when I'm dead," but almost. When it's his day off, he will gladly sleep in until afternoon... even though we've agreed to run errands or something that day. That's when I think he cares too much about sleeping, when it really should be the rest of the work week. To compensate, he loads up on energy drinks to try and keep himself awake, when really all he had to do was not start that last quest, go to bed, and get a full night's sleep.

Now you put the two of us together, and it's a horrible mess. It's like we're complete opposites in all aspects, and there's no benefit to be found in this difference.

I'm generally a light sleeper, and I figure that's why it's so easy for my sleep to be interrupted. He sleeps like a rock within a minute. He can easily fall asleep in the middle of his own sentence. This is troublesome when I have nightmares (and thankfully I don't have many at all anymore), because I can't wake him up at all to get any comfort. Not just looking at nightmares, but I feel if an emergency happened in the middle of the night, I fear that he wouldn't wake up for me. That doesn't give me a safe feeling at all. Two major incidences of this problem are my demon attack after my baptism (I ended up having to run to the bedroom and wake up his mom), and a horrible nightmare where I was too scared to make a noise and shaking him did nothing (I ended up texting my sister in hopes that she would be awake, but still ended up left on my own that night).

He grew up sleeping next to train tracks, so he can sleep through pretty much everything. This causes him to blast his alarm, and still not wake up to it. He's let his alarm go off for 30min without budging. It's kind of a toss up whether he'll actually wake up to his alarm or not. Mostly, he'll wake up enough to put it on sleep, and do that about 15 times. (I'm exaggerating, but not by much.) Obviously, since we don't have to wake up at the same time, it interrupts my sleep. So then I get really cranky with him.

Because he loads himself on sugar and caffeine during the day, his body stays very restless at night even though he's knocked out. This causes him to fuss often throughout the night. The most annoying thing he does is kick the bed. He will lift his leg up off the mattress a good 6inches, and then let it drop. And he does this a couple of times before his body gets tired enough to stop.

So all these things make it very difficult for me to sleep with him. I've read all over that a good way to sleep is to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Impossible with him. I've asked him if he would try to help me by setting a sleep schedule with me. The last time we tried was before we were engaged, and it lasted a day or two.

I can't sleep before him because whatever it is he's doing (playing a game, watching tv) keeps me awake. This is a combination of me being rather sensitive to these things, and him being deaf.

To clarify a bit: When I am watching tv in the afternoon, I will have the volume set at 25. As the day progresses and gets darker, as long as nothing else is running (dishwasher, washing machine, etc) I am more comfortable watching tv at 15-20. Yubo will play or watch with the volume at least set to 30, even with nothing else going on and when it's midnight with no other sounds to compete with other than the gurgling of the cat water fountain. Often he'll be at 32-35. So I really do think that his hearing is generally bad. He's grown up in a house very close to train tracks, he sets his alarm at full blast and keeps it right next to his head, and he's the kind that you can hear what he's listening to when he uses headphones.

If I do manage to fall asleep through that, I wake up when he comes to bed. The actual Tempur-pedic mattress may not transfer movement, but the sheets sure do. And the rustling of comforters/blankets can wake me as well. We don't share a blanket -- it would be worse if we did.

All of these things lead me to the conclusion that we may need to be one of those couples that sleeps separately. I find I sleep better on the couch, or when he's already left for work. In other words, I sleep better without him.

The problem is that I don't like it at all. I want to be able to sleep with him in the same bed. Actually, I'm the type that would like to go to bed and wake up together -- this is something that causes me a bit of pain because he doesn't care to do this with me. I have yet to figure out why this is actually quite important to me. I suspect it has something to do with intimacy and building a deeper bond with each other. I get frustrated when we actually do go to bed at the same time and he falls asleep so quickly without staying up for even a few minutes of "pillow talk." I feel like he doesn't take any time to be aware of our being in bed together, and I guess that makes me feel... less important somehow. There was a time when he would kiss me on the cheek before leaving for work, and I would usually feign sleep because I thought it was very sweet and romantic. Now he leaves without a work or gesture. I suppose it's because he doesn't want to wake me, even though I've told him countless times that I will most likely be awake when he is because of his darn alarm. But still, he leaves me be, and I can't help but feel a little abandoned. I may have to follow the cats -- be wide awake and rub up against his legs in order to get any attention. Ah... but he gives them affection when they're sleeping too. I guess I just needed to be a cat. LoL.

Anyhow... I wonder what can be done about this. I've talked to him many times about sleep, but he still wants to maintain his lifestyle. I don't want to nag him, but I can't resolve this on my own. If I could just fall asleep like he does, this wouldn't be a problem. But I do fear that this is something that is slowly but steadily chipping away at our relationship. This really is one of the bad things to have gotten amplified after marriage. I really hope this will work out.

豊 and 美玲 (revised)

I've been lagging on the things that Taky, our videographer, needs to complete the wedding DVD. But here's one thing I finally found out.

Taky said that he can make two different menus, one in English and one in Chinese. I thought this would be great for my family. He can also put two different audio tracks, so for the Chinese track, he can have traditional Chinese celebration music. My mom and I thought that my grandpa would really enjoy that.

Anyhow, for the Chinese menu, Taky said that if it was possible, to provide our names in Chinese. I thought that would be really difficult as Yubo isn't Chinese. However, I finally realized I could just search for the kanji of his name.

So I found 豊 as the kanji for "Yutaka." I have no idea how he got the impression that his name translates to "ghost eggplant," but it really means "abundance" or "plentiful" or other similar words. I have no idea how I could possibly translate his surname, so I think I won't. I think it's sufficient to just have our first names.

My name, 美玲, is so boring to me. I feel like it's got to be the most popular Chinese girl name ever. In Mandarin, it's pronounced "Mei ling." In Cantonese (or at least how my family says it), we spell it Meyloeng, pronounced 'mei lung.' It means "pretty bell." There's a lady at our church that has this name. I haven't brought it up to her though. Her last name is Japanese though, so I don't know if she's mixed or if she just married Japanese.

Apparently, my dad named my sister and me incorrectly. As far as I know, the first character is the name and the second character is different amongst siblings. In our case, the second character is the same. My sister's name means "happy bell."

Anyway, enough of that. I was just happy to have found Yubo's name in kanji and its actual meaning.

*Random note: I just found out that my last name 任 is the same as the kanji for "nin" in Nintendo. Aside from that, it means duty/responsibility/obligation. I didn't know my last name had such a heavy meaning.

---

So Yubo went ahead and let me know that the "ghost eggplant" thing came from "Yubo," which neither of us have been able to find again. I think he's crazy.

He also let me know that the kanji that I found for his name is not the one they showed him when he went to Japan. It doesn't help that no one told him the meaning of his name, so I can't find it that way. He doesn't even know if anyone in his family would know what characters were used for his name. He was told it was just a mash up of the names of his two uncles, so I guess in that case, there isn't a meaning.

Back to searching for me then.

---

Oh, Wikipedia, how I love you. I found this:

Possible writings

Yutaka can be written using different kanji characters and can mean:

• 豊, "rich"
• 裕, "affluence"
• 優, "tenderness"
• 寛, "relaxation"
• 穣, "fertile"
• 温, "warmth"

---

Yubo's crazy. I was right the first time. He told me they gave him a stamp with the character on it, so we went through what he had kept from his trip to Japan. I thought that if they gave him a stamp, he must have used it somewhere. And he did! And we found that the character they gave him was the first one I thought it was: 豊

My health, and future plans.

It's nearly 4:30am. I should be sleeping. The original plan was to wake up at 6:00a to start getting ready to go to church as we're up for worship. Instead, here I am awake, eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, updating this blog.

I would say for nearly a month now -- maybe it hasn't really been that long, but it sure feels like -- I've been having a number of issues mostly revolving around a ridiculous sleep schedule and depression. These two main points could very well be influencing each other, creating for me an endless cycle of unpleasantness.

For a while now, Yubo and I both have felt I may be clinically depressed. I thought I got over it back down in California. I had stopped having suicidal thoughts and wasn't as negative towards life with the help of having Yubo in my life. When we got up here to WA, I blamed it on the weather. It was easy to explain as S.A.D. But after the stresses of the wedding, the wonders of the honeymoon, and the disappointment of having to return to regular life, the symptoms of depression have crept back into my life and stuck. It's been fairly good weather with a number of beautiful sunny days, and I remain in the house a hermit, miserable with boredom and body aches.

At the beginning of all this was a massage gone wrong. Because of my scoliosis and how I handle stress, I get really tense in the typical neck-shoulders-shoulder blades area. I scheduled a massage appointment, but was too impatient to wait to see one of my usual three therapists. I just went with whoever was available at the time. Her technique just wasn't for me. The depth of the pressure was fine, but she worked too fast and didn't really focus on the areas I really wanted worked on. When she did get to those areas, it felt like she was rushing.... or rubbing out a stain. Unfortunately, I'm not one to request how to get a massage. I leave it up to the expertise of the therapist.

After that massage session, everything went downhill. Before the massage, I had missed a number of days of work due to pain. So I got the massage in hopes that I would be able to return and catch up on work. After the massage, I got worse.... much, much worse. I couldn't move my right arm without a sharp pain. That went on for a while. Because of that, I ended up missing about another week or so of work. I felt horrible. Really, I felt entirely incompetent. That's what gave the depression a foothold.

I started physically feeling worse and worse. Other pains started manifesting in my body, and I just had a general constant feeling of fatigue and weariness. We suspected it was more psychological than anything else, but it just wouldn't ease up. Then I just started feeling horrible as a person, attacking myself with negativity, indulging in harmful and degrading thoughts.

On top of all that, I've been lacking sleep and sleeping too much at the same time. It seems I can only sleep for 2-4 hours at a time. Then, I'm sleeping 2-3 times a day. So I'm sleep deprived, but can sleep up to 12 hours collectively in one day, thus sleeping too much. I'm concerned that toxins and what not are building up in my system, and that my body simply isn't getting the chance to rest and repair itself like it should.

I kept thinking that since I finally had insurance, I should go see a doctor. However, my disdain for doctors kept me from seriously looking for one. Also, because it's been a good 10 years since I've been to a doctor, I simply don't know what it's like to go to one anymore. The uncertainty of that is another factor that holds me back. I've been wanting to schedule an appointment with someone on a Monday so that Yubo could bring me and be there for support, but his Mondays haven't been as free as they should have been.

Finally, I've reached a point where I wouldn't mind needing medication if it would really help. I'm very paranoid of meds, but this bout of ailments has brought me to my limit.

Concerning our future plans, these issues have made me rethink things. I originally wanted to have two children before I hit 30. I felt that would be the best for me as I would have more energy now to handle two kids than if I waited longer. My chiropractor told me that my back wouldn't complicate childbearing, so I'm ok there. I just need to focus on strengthening my back muscles more. I'm also worried that my chances of getting pregnant after 30 will be too slim. Men can make babies forever while women only have so many eggs to fertilize. My mom is also concerned about me waiting too long to have children.

However, with everything that's been going on these past few weeks, I'm not sure if I'm fit to be a mother just yet. Yubo hated my before-30 deadline, but didn't want to argue with my biological clock. But in a conversation yesterday, he told me that my health is more important to him than having children. I agree in a sense, but more for the sake of the children than for myself. At this point, I feel like if we tried, it would just be so rushed. I really wanted to enjoy marriage longer without children. I suppose that's why I thought I wanted to marry at 24. I want to travel more with Yubo (even though I absolutely hate traveling). I want to bring him to Cambodia and China (which we want to try to do October of next year). I want him to take me to Japan. I want to spend some time exploring the other islands of Hawaii. All of this would be put on hold for many years with a child.

Now, we're actually wondering if we want children at all. He could have it either way. So it kind of falls on me for how seriously we try. At this point, I might just be happy with our cats. But I suppose if God wants to bless us with a child (even if it's after I'm 30), it'll happen. I think further discussion with a doctor will help me decide what would be best for us. Well, at this point, the best thing would be to just get me better.

Taking care of each other.

It's usually inevitable that when one person in the house is sick, everyone in the house gets sick. It only seems to work one way with us though. When I'm sick, Yubo's immune system is strong enough to stay healthy. When he's sick, there's no chance for me to not catch it. But then he also recovers much more quickly than I do, so he's usually left taking care of me as soon as he starts recovering. I feel really bad.

However, I wanted to use this entry to commend him. He's a much better caretaker than I am. You would think it would be the other way around but it's not. He's very kind and (mostly) considerate -- that "mostly" really can't be helped because I'm talking about his gaming. Unfortunately, it doesn't go away when I'm sick even though I think it really should. Although, if it did, I'd probably try and just stay sick.

Anyhow, he's nicer to me when I'm sick. He gets me the medicine I need, and he'll pause the game to get up from the couch and get me anything I need (food, drink, medicine, blanket, etc). And when I thank him, he says, "You're welcome." This most recent event, he noticed that I was asking for Gatorade often, so he picked up a case when he went to Costco without me asking.

I, on the other hand, will grumble at him whenever he asks me for something, even when he's sick. When I ask him if he needs anything, sometimes I notice an impatient tone in my voice. It's not intentional. I don't really know why I'm like that. But even with the grumbling, I do try to do what I can for him. I think it's usually that, when he's sick, he's still gaming instead of really resting like he needs to. It's probably my anticipation of him not going to bed until after midnight just to complete that quest when he really should have just taken the NyQuil and knocked out already. That's mostly likely how the irritation creeps into my actions and voice. Or that I can't help but think it's because he overworks himself and doesn't get enough sleep or some such irresponsibility that caused him to get sick in the first place. When he thanks me, I might not respond or I'll be short with him. That's really something I need to work on.

I suppose this is one of those things where I ought to learn from him. I should ask him how he feels when I respond to him the way I do. Perhaps that would make it easier for me to be kinder when taking care of him. Or maybe he just needs to be bedridden and pitiful and not playing a video game in order for me to feel that he's sick enough to need me to do things for him. :P

This is another example of how I got the better end of the deal.