Here we are again with communication, but with a slightly different issue. Not a new one, but as I feel it's been coming up quite often these past few weeks, I figured I'd write about it.
What comes to mind is this:
Yubo often gets really frustrated with me. He says he prides himself in being able to explain things clearly to anyone so that they understand -- it's something he often has to do as a plumber. However, every time he tries to explain things to me, I get lost, and oftentimes, I understand things less.
The trouble for him (and me) in these situations is that he tends to suddenly launch into these really lengthy explanations that, to me, aren't linear thoughts that would help me, or I don't immediately understand the relevance so it's hard for me to follow.
It's not uncommon for me to pause and ask him if we're still talking about the same thing because I think he's gone too far off on a tangent.
What happened tonight is what prompted this entry.
We were driving home from dinner with my parents. At an on-ramp, a car was ready to merge, and Yubo sped up to pass the car, even though it would have merged perfectly well if we stayed at our speed.
Not the first time I've mentioned this to him, that I think he is not a nice driver. Previous "offenses" have been yelling at other drivers for "being an idiot," especially when they do things he's done himself, like changing lanes or waiting to turn left without signalling.
Tonight, he responded with something along the lines of, "Everyone does it to me. This is my comeuppance." (Yes, I'm pretty sure that's how he used the word, and yes, if that's the case, he used it incorrectly.)
I replied, "Just because people do it to you does not make it ok."
Some responses were made, and I said something like, "You should take that up with God," to which he replied with something like, "I don't feel the need at all to be a nice driver. I don't feel any conviction for that." I told him I felt convicted for him. It was one of those situations where I was thankful we don't display any car decals about our faith.
To explain myself a bit further, focusing on the "just because... does not make it ok," I brought up an article I read about someone that has zero tolerance for racism and racist jokes. I even mentioned that I didn't think it fit quite right. But Yubo latched onto that topic. He said he agreed with the spirit of it, but disagreed about not being able to find jokes like that funny. He admitted to finding some racists jokes funny, and said that he thinks he would not be able to not find them funny. I said I thought it might be a mindset/mentality thing.
Long story short, what started off as concern for his unkind driving somehow ended up with me feeling like he was accusing me of being racist for calling his mom white-washed, and laughing at my mom's poor use of the English language, and also feeling like he was trying to defend himself for enjoying inappropriate things.
From his standpoint, he was simply trying to use a personal situation to help me understand why he disagreed with not being able to find some things funny that could technically be labeled as racist, but within the context of family/friends, aren't intended in such a way.
I told him we needed to stop because we're both tired, and the conversation was getting unnecessarily heated. And so we stopped talking And instead of going to bed like I wanted to, I'm up writing this blog after distracting myself a bit to calm down.
I honestly don't know if it's just because we both have bit a bit stressed and quite tired lately. For the past few weeks, my frustrations with him have come from what I deem are his "auto-responses." When I'm venting a bit, or complaining about something, he's been automatically responding with a simple, "I love you." Yeah.... not a good thing when I'm reacting negatively to those words. But because he kept saying it over and over again in those situations, it felt like a brush off. His translation was, "I'm sorry you have to put up with that, so feel better."
His other ones have been, "It's fine," and, "I'll/We'll figure it out," which basically means, "I'm not going to think about it right now, so stop talking about it." At least, that's my translation because that's how I receive the words.
He would use, "It's fine," when I would mention how late it was and ask him to stop playing his game. In that case, it's a very blatant, "I'm going to ignore what you just said and continue playing for as long as I want." And he's admitted to that.
The "figure it out" has come up a lot recently as he's currently without a car because it's getting shelves put in and repairs done. We're down to one car with me working, him going to school, a show coming up this weekend, and he's up for sound this Sunday. Rather than planning out the car situation to make sure everything works, he just kept saying we'd figure it out.
Also, he said he wasn't going to work this week because of his car being worked on, and yet he accepted a job from an acquaintance down in Torrence. So my other frustration has been how he seemingly keeps changing decisions he's made. My selfishness sees it as everything is a no for me, but a yes for everyone else, as he'll go out of his way to figure out how to do something for someone else, but for me, he's usually unavailable or simply doesn't want to do it (whatever "it" is). On a side note, I was happy that he rearranged things to be able to have dinner with my parents tonight, but even then, it was more for my parents than for me.
In my opinion, we haven't had a proper conversation in months, if not longer than that. I stay back here on my laptop in the dining room, and all I see is the back of his head in the living room. Any dialogue is made to the back of his head -- at most, the side of his face if he's being generous with pulling his attention away from whatever it is he's doing to talk back to me. I feel like I rarely know if he's actually listening to me.
So obviously, I'm very concerned for us in this regard. And he really doesn't give me any chance to have a proper conversation with him as he's constantly distracted. If we go out to eat, I have to try to find places that don't have TV, and even then, sometimes he'll be on his phone.
For lent several years ago, he gave up gaming. I gave up unnecessary internet, like FB. For me, it was wonderful and fruitful. For him, he felt nothing aside from absolute boredom. He wasn't particularly fulfilled by the extra time we spent on/with each other. And I was very hurt by that.
As much as I try to explain, I don't think he realizes how much this affects me, and our relationship. The lack of communication is hurting us, and I can't communicate that with him. So I'm stuck.
Getting all that written out helped a little bit, but I still feel tension in me that makes me not want to go to bed. But I'm tired, and staying up doesn't benefit me in any way.
Final thoughts of the night: both of us need to make God and us more of a priority in our lives.
