Reactions.

I think I'll start off with why I decided to title this the way I did.

I post a lot of Facebook statuses. They're a quick outlet for me when I don't want to spend time on a blog entry that no one will read. Well, sometimes those statuses aren't very happy, and I will often get more irritated by the responses I get, even though they were meant to encourage me.

I understand when people just want to throw in their two cents, hoping it'll have some insight that will make the situation all better. I do that, too. What irritates me is when I get comments from people that just don't know me, or us, or what's really going on. Or they comment as if I hadn't thought things through, or as if it's the first time the incident has happened. Or I get, "Have you told him this?" kind of stuff.

When I first started posting unhappy or troubling status updates, it got back to me that some people were wondering why I would "air out dirty laundry" in such a public way. I explained that it's an easier way to let my friends know how to pray for me without having to retell and relive the situation over and over again. It helps me to reach out in a way that I don't fear rejection as badly (no one commenting on a status is easier to take than calling a specific person and having them not pick up or be too busy for me, and then having to call more people one at a time). And it shows people that we are very open about our relationship in hopes that it might help someone else that might face a similar situation. And again, it's no secret to Yubo. I never post a status concerning anything he doesn't already know about, or that we haven't already talked about at some point.

We've been at this for 7 years, so it's a bit frustrating when people treat us like we're brand new. Yes, there's still plenty to learn about ourselves and our relationship and how to live peacefully with each other. I'm not saying we have all the answers. I know that some people can be together for 40 years and still have revelations about how to treat each other and love each other and what not. And there are some people that do it wrong their entire lives together. But I like to think that Yubo and I are smarter than that, and we've got some experience behind us.

Other times I feel like people try to invalidate my feelings even though they don't know the whole story. I appreciate that they're trying to defend Yubo, but they don't see how I tear myself apart after I've been mad defending him. They don't see the texts and notes filled with "I'm sorry for this and that and everything." Sometimes I just need to be mad at him. Let me have that. Because when I'm made to feel bad about being mad from the outside world, it gives me more fuel to tear myself down when I'm sorry.

We talk things out. We really do. And if there's nothing we do better, we make up really well. (Get your head out of the gutter.) Because we love each other, and we don't enjoy seeing the other hurt, and we certainly don't enjoy when we are the cause of that pain. But we're regular people, in a regular relationship, and there are ups and downs. And that's ok. It's ok to have downs. It's ok to be upset with each other and fight, because for the most part, we know how to come out of it better.

I'm surprised that so many people don't seem to understand that. They see something negative and they freak out. Like the world is going to end. Like this one upset is going to push us to divorce or something and they have to do everything in their power to show me that I'm wrong to be mad, as if it will expedite the healing and prevent further harm. When I tell some people about our very difficult times, they wonder why we're even still together. I guess that's also why Yubo and I like to be so open -- to show people that conflict can happen, that a relationship can go through ridiculously hard times, but that it will still be ok.

So with that lead up, here's what's been going on.

Whoo! It has been quite a crazy past couple of weeks. I really don't know where to start, or if I really want to get into what's been happening. How about some brief (as brief as I can make them) highlights? :P

The year started off pretty rough. Rough enough that I was concerned for us. I don't know if his gaming got worse or I got more sensitive, or both. But it let to many text messages and notes, some that I never even sent or gave him.

I did a lot of thinking, and over-thinking. Thinking that I wasn't good enough. Thinking that I'm a horrible wife. Thinking that I can't do anything for him. A failure. Inadequate. Selfish. Demanding. Insignificant. It got bad enough for me to try to reach out. And if you know me, that might give you an idea of how bad it got.

I started counseling. A friend reminded me that another friend was a counselor, which reminded me that that friend counsels at my school -- oh yeah! Schools usually offer free counseling to the students! A very "duh" moment. Money was no longer an excuse to not get help.

I had intended the counseling to figure out more about myself, why I feel the way I feel and why I do the things I do, towards myself and towards others. It started like that, but of course, things naturally went to the marriage.

Learning and applying things that definitely seem to be helping. We had some hard talks, but Yubo has been much more receptive than in the past. Very encouraging, and I definitely praise God for that.

But let's go into the big kicker that has really launched us into the new place of healing and growing.




I caught him smoking again.




I can already anticipate the reactions from people that don't know me. "That's it?"
But I'm hoping that if you're reading this, you already know me. And if you don't, to not jump to that reaction so quickly. I think even if you've read this entire blog from the beginning, you won't understand the depth of this for me, which is ok. You're not me. Which is more than ok.

So on February 11, 2012, around 3:30pm, I caught him smoking. I had suspected for a while, but tried my darnedest to really trust him. He had taken a break from his game and stepped outside, and I let myself assume that it was to call someone that wanted some plumbing done. But I decided that I wanted to get my art kit from the car. So I did. And there he was, down the street, in that damned leather jacket blowing smoke away from himself. He saw me, and saw that I saw him. I slammed the trunk closed, shaking my head, marched myself back into the house, set my kit on the floor and stood in the bedroom for a few moments in shock. I was more in shock than upset. I remember thinking, I hate it when I'm right. Then, without much thinking, I changed into some jeans, threw a jacket on, grabbed the keys, put on my flip flops (I really didn't want to take that extra time to put on socks), got into the car and drove off. He was nowhere to be seen.

I was shaking. Not even crying, yet, just shaking. I pulled into the park at the bottom of the hill, and I didn't even know what to do or what to think. This was around 3:40pm. Posted a status update on Facebook that was very out of character. And then I started crying, in my warm car in front of the beautiful water and early-setting sun, shaking and crying.

During all that time, I wondered what to do. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to see him. I thought about finding a motel, but we don't have the money for that. I thought about seeing if our Seattle resort had a free room, but I was up for worship the next morning and didn't want to have to drive from Seattle. Also, I didn't want to be on stage in the grubby clothes I was wearing. So I thought about going home and cleaning up the office. If I stayed in the office, I wouldn't have to see him. And then I could clear out a space to make room for the air mattress, because I certainly wasn't going to sleep in the same bed with him after this. But I still didn't want to go home -- so I wondered how long I should stay out. Like a child running away from home, wondering how long it will take for the family to notice, to start worrying, to start searching.

I was there for about an hour, just sitting in the car at the park. No call or text from Yubo.

I thought about trying to talk to someone. But who could I call? Who wouldn't belittle my pain? Who could understand? No one.

So I decided to make some use of the time I was going to stay away from home. Being the over-dramatic person I am, I got money out of a nearby ATM. If I bought something, I wanted to use cash so Yubo wouldn't be able to track me through card transactions (not that he would try). I went to Joann's to finally get some lace that I've been wanting for a long time.

It was 6:00pm. I decided to call P.Keith. So ridiculously out of character, but I didn't want to go home and face Yubo out of fear of saying something irreversibly damaging. After eating a rather yummy udon dinner nearby, I met up with P.Keith and ended up talking with him for nearly 2 hours. It took that long because it really wasn't just the smoking; it was so much compounded, and the smoking really pushed me over.

I got a call from my youngest aunt near the end of my talk with P.Keith. I didn't answer because I knew she was calling about my status update. I messaged her that I was ok. And then I got a call from my mom, because my youngest aunt alerted her to my distressing status update. So I talked with my mom and told her that I was ok, and to not worry because I was getting things under control.

I then prepared myself to go home. Sent Yubo a text telling him I was safe, where I was and that I was on my way home, and asked for a bit of his time when I got there. I drove speed limit the entire way, and sometimes just under. And then I got home. And I talked, and I cried. And we got through it. He told me that he had started up again just a week prior, so I had to force myself to believe him on that.

Since then, we've been able to talk much more productively. I feel like Yubo has really been trying to step up for us, which encourages me to do the same. We're really actively working on us, and it feels amazing. I'm trying to not worry about how long this will last. Instead, I'm just trying to stay present, focusing on what I need to do now rather that what I should have done or should be doing.

I'm proud of myself for actually reaching out for help. And I'm proud of Yubo for starting to step into his role. We're not where we should be, but we're in a good place on our way to a great place, and more importantly, we're together.