Honesty, at last.

I am unhappy to say that he has been smoking a bit for the past month. I am very happy to say that he finally said something. I can credit a lot of this to his mom.

At breakfast this morning, I asked his parents what I should do. He wasn't with us because he was feeling sick and wanted to sleep in longer. By the end of breakfast, we concluded that his mom would mention something. She would be the "bad mom" so I could be the "good mom." LoL.

Well, it seems to have worked.

When his dad went to go drop off his mom at work, I took that opportunity to bring up yesterday again. There was no drama. Just talked calmly. And he eventually apologized for lying to me.

It wasn't a surprise to me that it turned out I was right in my suspicion. I didn't get angry. I just hugged him and reminded him that I love him. And of course, I continued to remind him that he needs to be honest with me, because it's much better for me to be upset about a truth than about a lie.

Even though I am sad that the smoking has started again, I feel a weight lifted. I am more happy about his honesty than anything else. It's like I finally feel like he loves me. It's a strange way to say it, but it's true. I feel like he finally loves me enough and trusts me enough to be honest with me, to stop hiding from me. And in turn, I feel like I can trust him a little bit more.

This is a huge breakthrough in our relationship, from my standpoint. Instead of possibly protecting his pride, reputation, or my feelings.... instead of getting that high from "getting away with things".... it's like he's finally taken that step to really rebuild the integrity in our relationship. And I hope this will continue. I anticipate setbacks. What helps is that I know (and he knows) that he can't bullshit me. But we're headed in the right direction now. Progress has been made. That first crucial step has been taken.

I can say nothing more than that God has answered my prayers, and I am elated at what has just happened today. I love my husband so much. I want to be the wife that can support him and continue to be here for him as we try to overcome this (again, but hopefully in a better way this time).

Suspicion and Paranoia

I knew there was another thing I hated about California. I suspectYubo of more things down in Cali than up in Washington.

I suppose it's because I believe in how easy it is for old habits to return when you're back in the place where that habit was prominent.

Of course, in this case, I'm talking about Yubo's smoking.

He's gone outside at random times for no good reasons. He spends mire time than is needed when he goes outside for something.

The kicker to my suspicion happened yesterday.

We've been staying with his parents. They recruited our help to remodel an upstairs bedroom and turn it into a library (such an awesome idea). The plan was to start painting yesterday morning. I was puttering around, waiting for someone to pour me paint so I could
start painting the edges -- I wasn't dressed for painting and wanted to minimize the chances of getting paint on myself.

Yubo had gone outside and closed the door. Unusual in this household when it's good weather. When it was taking him so long, I went out.

He was standing behind the last car in the driveway. I watches his shadow briefly. His hand went to his mouth, then back down. Perfect timing and look if he were smoking (it wasn't like he wiped something off his face). This happened twice before I called out. As soon as I did, his shadow squatted down and he immediately opened the trunk and made like he was looking for something.

The air smelled faintly of smoke. I commented on it, and he said he thought that was weird too. He walked to to side of the car as I approached the back. He maintained a good distance from me.

We basked is the sun momentarily. I had forgotten what I came out to ask him.

There was a single flat cigarette butt right where he was standing.

I finally remembered -- I wanted to know where the rollers were to paint. He said he was just looking for them.

Then I told him my suspicion. Of course, he denied it. I asked if I could smell his breath. He complained that he had morning breath, which is easy for him to try to hide behind because he knows I hate morning breath. It's why I don't kiss him until after he brushes his teeth. But he should have known that I knew he still had morning breath, yet was still asking to smell because of my suspicion.

His breath smelled of smoke. Not strongly, but I've been a little sick.

I told him what I saw with his shadow. He didn't say anything. I told him I love him, and that I didn't want him hiding anything from me, especially if it was him smoking again. And I walked back into the house.

He hasn't said anything since, but has looked at me like he wants to say something -- or maybe I'm just projecting.

It's been very stressful for him lately at work. And this vacation has been far from a vacation with this remodeling project. It wouldn't surprise me if he turned to cigarettes again, especially down here in Cali.

It's been so prominent in my mind that I dreamt about it last night -- of how he wouldn't say anything to me.

I want him to either confess, if there is anything to confess, or reassure me that he isn't lying to me. He doesn't really do anything to help me trust him (and you guys know what an issue this has been for us). And I've been trying my best to just believe in him, but that part of me that was so devastated and betrayed those years ago still lingers.

But I say it shouldn't be all on me to try to trust him again. I really need him to do his part in being honest with me, not setting off my triggers (all of which he clearly knows), and reassuring me -- because I'm really doing as much as I can on my own and in prayer.

Considering Sleeping Separately.

First off: No. Nothing is wrong.

I was watching Oprah, and they were talking about and polling the audience about what's normal. There was a couple happily married for 9 years, sleeping in separate bedrooms (one upstairs, one downstairs) for 8 years. Of course, the majority of the audience, along with Dr. Phil, thought that was not normal at all. Dr. Phil even said he was concerned for them, even if it might be working out well for them.

I've been thinking about sleeping separately from Yubo for a while. I thought about it most during a time when I was dealing with insomnia. I wasn't getting to bed until Yubo was getting out. I felt that during that time, although I was very frustrated with my insomnia, I was sleeping better without him in bed.

Now, the strange thing about this is at night, when not necessarily dealing with insomnia, I can't sleep without him. When he's out working late, I will more likely than not stay up until he comes home. Or if I manage to fall asleep, I wake up nearly every hour until he's home. I'm constantly concerned about when he's going to be home, scared if something might have happened (especially if he doesn't respond to any call or text), or my mind gets overactive and I scare myself.

But when he leaves for work, I seem to be more at ease being home alone. Also, sleeping when it's light out helps me feel safe being alone (I know that's not true, but it's how I feel). And I'm not so worried with Yubo being out because he's supposed to be.

Still, I generally seem to sleep better without Yubo in bed. Or when we had our other couches, I was more comfortable sleeping on the couch for a while.

The other part of this is Yubo's snoring and thrashing. The snoring isn't too horrible. I shared a room with my sister for years, so it was something I mostly became able to handle. However, I "joke" a lot about building some sort of barrier to keep him on his side. There have been many instances of waking up to nearly being elbowed in the face. He's actually hit me sometimes, or had his foot or leg completely on my side, so I'd usually be scrunched up and nearly falling off the bed sometimes.

Ah... and the final thing is blankets. We don't share a blanket. He has his one or two, and I have my one or two. It's nice to hog my own blankets and not be concerned about him. HOWEVER, he will often get overheated as he sleeps, or simply thrash around as usual, and it's a 50-50 chance that the blanket(s) will end up on the floor or on me. It's another way that he crowds my sleep space.

We've thought about getting two twin-full sized beds and keeping them separate, pushing them together if we're feeling lovey-dovey (which is rare for us, but not really a bad thing). I don't think I'd be too keen on having my own room, so just separate beds would be sufficient for me.

Ah... what a luxury this would be though. Too bad we can't afford it. :P

Segregating Friends.

Yubo is such an amazing and likable guy that it's easy to see how all my friends get along so well with him and like hanging out with him.

I wish I was like that.

Yubo mentioned to me that his best friend Joe and his wife Kellie weren't too keen on not being invited to Yubo's birthday party.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like them or anything. I just tend to prejudge in certain situations. I do this with my customers (only notifying some about a sale or something), and even with my own friends (who to tell that I'm coming home or what not, middle school friends, choir friends, etc). In that way, I suppose you could say it was a deliberate exclusion.....

With Yubo's birthday, all I was thinking was that I wanted to give him a chance to game at home with friends. Thus, I invited friends that didn't necessarily have kids to deal with and would be able and willing to stay out late.

I also tend to separate Yubo's life into what has to do with me and what doesn't necessarily. Not to sound rude, but I tend to feel that Joe and his family don't have a whole lot to do with me. This also applies to the life and friends that Yubo had before he met me. I kind of keep myself as an outsider when it comes to that part of Yubo's life. I'm not as sociable as Yubo is, so I can't integrate myself into his circle of friends like he can do with mine. With Joe specifically, I am convinced that he maintains a negative opinion of me, so in my head I'm making things easier by limiting interactions.

Please note, Joe has been the bigger person and has tried including me with his invitations to Yubo for hanging out at their house and bbq's and what not. Unfortunately, I usually can't bring myself to try to be there and get over the discomfort I have around him. I wanna say that living together has really gotten in the way of any really positive relationship we could have. Or, you know, this really could all be one-sided (on my side) and there really isn't a problem.

Now, had I just planned a simple dinner out like we've done before, I probably would have opted to just have dinner with Joe, Kellie, their kids, along with possibly Eric, Cara, and their little Brooklyn -- then I probably wouldn't have invited who I did for the gaming. So I invite by situation, and I'm realizing that isn't really fair at all.

I'm concerned that I really offended them, even though I really didn't mean to. Yubo told me that it wasn't as huge a deal as I thought it was -- he said they wouldn't really have been able to come over anyway, especially because Gavin (their son) is deathly allergic to cats. But that doesn't change the fact that I did neglect that his best friend (and family) might have wanted to be a part of his birthday celebration. :/

Name Change.

I've really been putting off legally changing my last name. Well, with Yubo's birthday came the expiration of his license. So we went off to the DMV yesterday to renew his license and get all the changes done to mine.

So I have officially begun the process of changing my name.

I have to order another copy or two of the official certificate or whatever because I have to mail in for a new SS card and my passport. I don't want to wait for them to mail it back to me, if they actually would mail it back.

Tomorrow I will see if I can order new bank cards, and contact whatever other companies I need to that might not require an official document to be mailed to them.

Ugh! What a hassle! Makes me wish I was ok with just keeping my name......

Yubo's Birthday.

Yikes. It's been a while since my last post. But nothing very eventful happened in that time.

Yubo turned 29 two days ago. Whenever I asked him what he wanted or what he wanted to do, he wouldn't give me any good answer. So I took it upon myself to do something fun for his last year in his 20's.

I really wanted to bake a cake for him -- more specifically, my chocolate kahlua cake. But I knew a cake would be too much for just the two of us, so I figured it'd be good to have friends over. A good excuse to have friends over for Yubo is..... GAMING. So I invited friends that I thought would be able to come and knew would want to play.

But first, the cake. I was so excited that I wanted to make it in time for him to have a slice right when it became his birthday. That didn't work out too well, and we ended up staying awake waaaay too long. But I did complete the cake:


We were so tired that we ended up missing church. So instead, we went out to a nice breakfast at a place in Seattle called Kona Kitchen.


When we got home, I finally framed our marriage certificate and put it on the wall. It didn't last very long up because I didn't use the supporting strips, but now hopefully it's up more securely.


Then I got to more baking. I got a box of Tastefully Simple Pumpkin Bread for Yubo, so I thought this would be a good occasion to finally make it and not have leftover bread, since I don't eat pumpkin anything.



It's good that Yubo gets along so well with the friends I've made up here. Albert and Musashi, who worked with me at Fry's, and Albert's gf came. Also, Andrew, who was in Yubo's small group from church retreat, was able to make it.

Albert brought his TV, XBox360, and some games. Setting things up was a little fussy. But it got done and gaming on two large televisions in our living room commenced.


People were still a little hungry, and although Yubo bought three large bags of Chex Mix, we opted for Tastefully Simple Cinnamon Muffin Melts. So yummy! Must get another box (or two, or five).


We ended up going out to buy another XBox controller (because we only have one since I never cared to play any XBox games) and Call of Duty: Black Ops. This enabled all four guys to play together.


Finally, it was getting late, so we ended the night with cake.


Yubo seemed to have a really good night, and I was so happy that he finally was able to game with guys that love gaming as much as he does. I also liked that he was playing with friends, and not strange people over the internet.

Overall, a successful 29th birthday.

New sofa. Cats. Framing.

New Sofa
Our LaZ-Boy recliner sofa arrives tomorrow morning!! Hooray!! They gave us a time block of 9am-12pm for deliver. Depending on when they actually arrive, I may have to miss another accounting class. I hope that doesn't happen. I think at the most I might be a little late, even if they come at 12pm. Since it's a 2hr class, I can at least make it for the second hour, I think. I think the dangerous part will be me wanting to relax on the sofa when it gets here instead of going to class. LoL.

Cats
Chiyo has peed outside the litter box a number of times. A few times next to the fridge before we put a litter box there, and once in front of the fireplace (right in front of me). I took her to the vet to rule out any medical issues. Health is good, so it was behavioral. The vet gaves us some suggestions on what to do, which we've only partially put into effect. One was take the cat tree away (she stays on the top tier, which keeps her in a dominant position), and the other was to separate them at night.

When we got back from the vet, she peed on the carpet next to the cat tree. So that led me to confine her in the bathroom for the majority of the day. I found a larger cat cage to get her, so we're using what we budgeted for a new cat tree for that cage instead. Yubo says I can order it after this Thursday. (I know I said we budgeted for it, but I think it was used for mortgage cuz we got really tight at a few points.)

Framing
I think I'm never going to order framing from Michael's ever again. I mentioned that we were going to have our red cloth from the wedding framed to put up on the wall. We spent a frustrating couple of hours getting it to look just the way we wanted. Got it set and ordered. It was a really pretty wood frame with flower carvings, a gold trim that reminded me of Cambodia, and gold and silver mats to border the cloth. Then there were some problems ordering the mats, so there was some delay to reorder them. After just over a month, they finally figured out that the problem was because the mats we wanted did not come oversized. Yeah, it took them a month to figure that out after trying to reorder them.

So we had to go back in to see if we could choose different mats. I was so frustrated just going in because I was remembering just how long it took us to do it the first time, and I felt we had exhausted all our options the first time. When we walked in there and asked about our order, the lady helping us still thought the mats were being reordered. I had to tell her that the manager had called me and told me those mats couldn't be used. So she checked the notes he had written down and confirmed what he had told me. Seriously?? Their staff doesn't even know what's going on with their orders. After another gruelling hour or so, we chose two different mats that worked. But then it became an issue of if we really wanted to give our money to them when they were being so unprofessional.

I took the cloth back so I could iron it, but we ended up deciding that we could use the money for better things.... like mortgage. The only things I regret are not having that gorgeous frame and not having our red cloth up on the wall.

Our funds have actually been quite tight, but nothing too much to complain about. God has kept us in a good place. He answered Yubo's prayer for bigger jobs. We know that we are so blessed that Yubo has a good job with good benefits (that's helping me get healthy) and that I have the ability to continue school without having to work. We have A LOT to be thankful for and we know it all comes from God.