Yubo is such an amazing and likable guy that it's easy to see how all my friends get along so well with him and like hanging out with him.
I wish I was like that.
Yubo mentioned to me that his best friend Joe and his wife Kellie weren't too keen on not being invited to Yubo's birthday party.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like them or anything. I just tend to prejudge in certain situations. I do this with my customers (only notifying some about a sale or something), and even with my own friends (who to tell that I'm coming home or what not, middle school friends, choir friends, etc). In that way, I suppose you could say it was a deliberate exclusion.....
With Yubo's birthday, all I was thinking was that I wanted to give him a chance to game at home with friends. Thus, I invited friends that didn't necessarily have kids to deal with and would be able and willing to stay out late.
I also tend to separate Yubo's life into what has to do with me and what doesn't necessarily. Not to sound rude, but I tend to feel that Joe and his family don't have a whole lot to do with me. This also applies to the life and friends that Yubo had before he met me. I kind of keep myself as an outsider when it comes to that part of Yubo's life. I'm not as sociable as Yubo is, so I can't integrate myself into his circle of friends like he can do with mine. With Joe specifically, I am convinced that he maintains a negative opinion of me, so in my head I'm making things easier by limiting interactions.
Please note, Joe has been the bigger person and has tried including me with his invitations to Yubo for hanging out at their house and bbq's and what not. Unfortunately, I usually can't bring myself to try to be there and get over the discomfort I have around him. I wanna say that living together has really gotten in the way of any really positive relationship we could have. Or, you know, this really could all be one-sided (on my side) and there really isn't a problem.
Now, had I just planned a simple dinner out like we've done before, I probably would have opted to just have dinner with Joe, Kellie, their kids, along with possibly Eric, Cara, and their little Brooklyn -- then I probably wouldn't have invited who I did for the gaming. So I invite by situation, and I'm realizing that isn't really fair at all.
I'm concerned that I really offended them, even though I really didn't mean to. Yubo told me that it wasn't as huge a deal as I thought it was -- he said they wouldn't really have been able to come over anyway, especially because Gavin (their son) is deathly allergic to cats. But that doesn't change the fact that I did neglect that his best friend (and family) might have wanted to be a part of his birthday celebration. :/
Life....
12 years ago
I thought it was interesting that you mentioned that you kept yourself as an insider when it came to aspects of Yubo's life. Maybe the reason he gets along so well with your friends is because he makes an effort to include them in his life even though he may not know them that well, but he takes into consideration that they are your friends and they mean something to you.
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you approach his friends with that attitude, things will get easier. Remember, you guys are married and part of that experience is to share in each other's lives. His friends aren't going anywhere, so it might be easier if you start befriending them now.
If you're concerned that you might have offended his best friend (and really it's his BEST FRIEND! why wouldn't you have extended an invitation to him??), maybe you could invite them out for dinner with just the four (or five with their son)? Show that you truly meant no disrespect in not inviting them by taking the first step and addressing any issues you feel there might be between the two of you. Yubo would be more than grateful to know that his best friend and wife can and are trying to get along.
It's no maybe... it's *definitely* because he puts himself out there that he can be with my friends. He's so much better in social settings than I am, and actually really enjoys socializing most of the time, whereas I'm farther down the introvert spectrum. But hey, it's not like I want to stay there. First part to solving an issue is recognizing and admitting it, right? So that's where I'm at.
ReplyDeleteAll of his friends except for Joe are in California, which means there isn't much chance for me to interact with them anyhow. When we do go down to visit, I visit my friends and he visits his. There's never been a problem with that. And as far as I know, his friends have never asked for me. That's not saying that I refuse to be around them.
I was hoping is a was a clear explanation that I didn't invite Joe to the gaming session because of my tendency to prejudge who would want to be where. If it were a dinner, Joe would've been the first I invited. Since I wanted to do the gaming thing for Yubo, it simply didn't cross my mind that that was something Joe would have wanted to do. I completely forgot that Joe used to play all sorts of games with Yubo when they were younger, and that they all played games when they lived together down in Cali.
And you read my mind! I'm planning on asking them out to dinner once I know Yubo's schedule.