I suppose it's because I believe in how easy it is for old habits to return when you're back in the place where that habit was prominent.
Of course, in this case, I'm talking about Yubo's smoking.
He's gone outside at random times for no good reasons. He spends mire time than is needed when he goes outside for something.
The kicker to my suspicion happened yesterday.
We've been staying with his parents. They recruited our help to remodel an upstairs bedroom and turn it into a library (such an awesome idea). The plan was to start painting yesterday morning. I was puttering around, waiting for someone to pour me paint so I could
start painting the edges -- I wasn't dressed for painting and wanted to minimize the chances of getting paint on myself.
Yubo had gone outside and closed the door. Unusual in this household when it's good weather. When it was taking him so long, I went out.
He was standing behind the last car in the driveway. I watches his shadow briefly. His hand went to his mouth, then back down. Perfect timing and look if he were smoking (it wasn't like he wiped something off his face). This happened twice before I called out. As soon as I did, his shadow squatted down and he immediately opened the trunk and made like he was looking for something.
The air smelled faintly of smoke. I commented on it, and he said he thought that was weird too. He walked to to side of the car as I approached the back. He maintained a good distance from me.
We basked is the sun momentarily. I had forgotten what I came out to ask him.
There was a single flat cigarette butt right where he was standing.
I finally remembered -- I wanted to know where the rollers were to paint. He said he was just looking for them.
Then I told him my suspicion. Of course, he denied it. I asked if I could smell his breath. He complained that he had morning breath, which is easy for him to try to hide behind because he knows I hate morning breath. It's why I don't kiss him until after he brushes his teeth. But he should have known that I knew he still had morning breath, yet was still asking to smell because of my suspicion.
His breath smelled of smoke. Not strongly, but I've been a little sick.
I told him what I saw with his shadow. He didn't say anything. I told him I love him, and that I didn't want him hiding anything from me, especially if it was him smoking again. And I walked back into the house.
He hasn't said anything since, but has looked at me like he wants to say something -- or maybe I'm just projecting.
It's been very stressful for him lately at work. And this vacation has been far from a vacation with this remodeling project. It wouldn't surprise me if he turned to cigarettes again, especially down here in Cali.
It's been so prominent in my mind that I dreamt about it last night -- of how he wouldn't say anything to me.
I want him to either confess, if there is anything to confess, or reassure me that he isn't lying to me. He doesn't really do anything to help me trust him (and you guys know what an issue this has been for us). And I've been trying my best to just believe in him, but that part of me that was so devastated and betrayed those years ago still lingers.
But I say it shouldn't be all on me to try to trust him again. I really need him to do his part in being honest with me, not setting off my triggers (all of which he clearly knows), and reassuring me -- because I'm really doing as much as I can on my own and in prayer.
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