Kids or no?

My mom called me today, and I finally told her that I might not want to have kids. I could hear the disappointment in her voice as she tried to support me.

She explained to me that in her experience, her relationship with my dad didn't improve until my sister and I came along. But that was because they didn't marry for love. So I told her that we don't need to have children in order to have a good relationship.

She asked me what Yubo thought about my possibly not wanting kids, and I explained to her that he could go either way. Then she asked if I told Yubo's parents yet (as if this was some horrible news I had to break), and I told her about how they didn't have Yubo until years into their marriage.

As it is now, I'm more concerned about being healthy myself before bringing a new life into this world and worrying about its health alongside my own. Heck, I may want to just be a happy cat-mom of three for these next 10+ years of their lives. Dunno. Our sights and priorities will constantly be changing.

I feel a little bad, but I don't want to limit myself to telling my parents years ago that I wanted to bear them grandchildren. Then I think the reason for having kids wouldn't be the right one.

I told my mom that it's still something that we're thinking about. I haven't told her anything about my desires to live in China and Japan for a year each. She wouldn't understand why I would possibly want to do that. But she agrees that it's much better to travel without children, otherwise we're stuck for a few years before we can fly again. She also thinks it would be better to have either the cats or babies, not both at the same time. LoL. I have to agree with her on that one though, especially with a cat like Tifa.

It's something for us to pray about, but honestly it's not very high up on our prayer list. :P

A Salad Might Improve Our Marriage.

*I changed the title of this entry from "save" to "improve," as I realized that we don't need saving just yet.*

I mentioned how Yubo reacted to my book study proposal. I talked with him again about it last night, asking what I could do to encourage him to read. He said he would think about it, but couldn't come up with anything just yet.

It was actually pretty interesting last night. I was getting a little frustrated that our association wants us to leave our door open for 5 hours this Saturday to paint. I threw out that we should get a temporary screen door before realizing they would probably tape up plastic to protect stuff. Yubo said I was being extreme, and when I asked how, he balked and quickly said I wasn't being extreme.

Eventually, I told him that it feels like he treats me like a dangerous crazy lady sometimes. So I asked him to stop doing that, and to tell me his thoughts and opinions even if they differ from mine and even if he thinks I'll get upset.

I don't remember if it was before or after this, but we generally had some good discussions. At one point, I noticed he was trying to hang in there but was slipping away. I simply asked if he needed me to stop and he confirmed, so I stopped. I later gave him a hug and thanked him for giving me that much time, for being honest with me, and that I wanted more of it.

Then we talked about reading the book. He went off to grab a drink for the morning. As I sat in bed waiting for him, it hit me. I could eat a salad. He always wants me to eat salads, and would do anything to get me to.

So I wrote out a contract: For each chapter he reads and discusses with me, I will eat one salad within that week. He read it, agreed, and we signed it.

Even if I have to eat a salad, I'm really looking forward to going through this book with him.

After I Calm Down.

Sometimes I wonder when I should really post entries. Most of the time, I think it's important to be accurate about what I'm feeling at all times. Other times, I feel like I should wait until I calm down to think more clearly. For you readers, it'd probably be much better if I waited. :P

Anyway, I did bring up studying that book together since the mood was good. His reaction was about what I expected. Don't know if reading the book together will actually happen or not, but I'll try to encourage without pressing too hard -- don't want him to shut down.

Since I hear that the first year is the most difficult, I just want to try to start off as best we can. I know we'll go through tough times, but I want us to know how to support each other during those times.

Fears/Concerns.

In my bit of distress, I started reading "Traits of a Lasting Marriage," a book someone gave us. The more I read, the more I want Yubo to read so we can share thoughts, discuss, and work on our marriage.

However, I'm not sure if I will ever actually propose my desired study to him. He didn't care to read "Men are from Mars...," barely skimmed "5 Love Languages," and did the very minimum of our premarital homework. It's not just that he doesn't like reading all that much, but he doesn't seem to see the point or benefit if these kinds of books.

It's actually a little hurtful that he won't put any effort into these things, even if I tell him they're important to me. If he thinks it's dumb, he might put in just enough effort to get it over with, or will put it off enough that I give up (usually the latter).

I've tried to stop making such requests, and I'm not nagging him so much. For instance, I didn't force him out of bed to go to church, so we ended up not going. I didn't ask him several times to turn down the volume of his game because I wanted to get to sleep. I ended up just staying awake and reading instead.

Am I loosening up and trying to work with him and accept him, or am I allowing him to walk over me? I'm still very lost on any sort of concept of give and take in a relationship. Any amount of "give" that I give, I tend to feel I'm being taken for granted. Any bit I want to "take," I feel selfish and undeserving (well, sometimes I feel deserving but am denied).

There's a balance in there somewhere, and I'm nowhere close to finding it on my own, much less with him alongside me.

It's really frustrating. I continue to feel like we're in two separate and very different relationships. And it often comes up that he's happy and satisfied while I'm not, and I simply can't understand how that is possible and how he doesn't see that something is wrong.

Ignorance is bliss? Maybe for him. Surely not for me.

Home safe and sound.

Left Yubo home to change out the clumping litter to recycled newspaper pellets, as the doctor ordered, while I went to pick Tifa up. Poor baby has a bandage around her paw. I wonder how long it will stay on. We have to give her antibiotics(?) twice daily for a week, which I know she will not like at all. Maybe this really will be a lesson to stop fighting with Chiyo. :P

Being a paranoid mother?

Yubo was particularly difficult to wake this morning, so we ended up not going to church. As I sat reading a marriage book that someone gave us, Chiyo and Tifa were having a typical spat in the background.

I let them have at it, and Tifa came away with a funny looking paw. I soon realized she was bleeding, and saw that one of her claws looked like it was bent back. So I freaked out and called the vet, writing down the number for emergencies they have recorded on their answering machine. Called them and explained what I saw. Even though she was walking around normally and didn't seem to be in too much pain, they told me to bring her in.

The piece of the nail that I saw was found detached in the carrier. It just looked like a sheath, like what would normally be shed, though the full size of a claw and a little bloody. The nurse (or "tech," as I heard them referred as in this place) took Tifa to the doctor just to look at, in hopes that not much would need to be done and Tifa would be taken care of for free. Unfortunately, they found that it was actually a split nail. It looked horrible and really painful, but she wasn't bleeding much anymore.

They were so busy, so even after waiting for about an hour, they suggested I leave her there so they can get to her when they can. It seemed there was only one doctor there and they were unusually busy, and the second doctor didn't come in until 2:00p (it was around noon at the time I left).

So now I'm sitting here, anxiously waiting for them to call me to pick her up. The tech told me they might not get to her until around 4:00p. I feel really bad because I didn't get to say anything to Tifa before the tech carried her away. But I left my jacket in the carrier, so hopefully that will let her know that I will come back to get her.

I think it was a good thing we didn't make it to church, because that could have happened while we were gone. It might be a little pricey to fix her up, but it shouldn't set us back too badly. And Yubo says maybe this will teach her to stop picking fights with Chiyo.

New sofa. Living room ideas.

I just re-read the email and saw that he said the estimated SHIPPING date was 9/11, not arrival. Sadness. So I guess it will be even longer for our new sofa to get here. That's ok though. It gives us more time to figure out how to get our sofa set to our friends' place. I also want to plan to be sofa free for at least a few days so we can really clean the living room. That means we'll be sitting on cushions for a while. :P

But getting this loveseat out of the way will give me access to the bookshelves nestled in the corner. I'm really excited about getting this living room made over.

We'll have the red cloth framed on the wall. I also have a frame that's waiting to be filled with some wedding photos and our marriage license.

And with the wall cleared up, I'll be able to see if my vision for what I call "kitty cubbies" will work. I basically want to put up shadow boxes, but make them large enough for a cat each to nest in. I haven't posed this idea to Yubo yet, but he likes those box shelves so maybe it'll work out.