The Little Things.

It's pretty amazing how big the little things can get. I suppose the amplification of things is mostly due to my paranoia and suspicion.

He's been finding strange reasons to go outside again. Just now he said he wanted to go outside to cool off. I told him he should just turn down our thermostat and take off the long sleeved shirt he was wearing. He mumbled something about wanting to go to bed as a nonsensical reason, and went outside... with his keys. If you're just going to cool off, why do you have to go to your truck?

And earlier today, he said he wanted to find some Ameriprise paperwork he had in the truck. There's really no good reason why he would bring Ameriprise mail to his truck. He came back in empty-handed anyway.

I'm really trying my best to trust him, but this nagging feeling won't go away.

He really could have such reasons to go outside, so I don't understand why I have to make such big deals out of each situation.

I tell him that I don't want him to jump through hoops, but I wonder if that's a big lie. I keep saying he knows my triggers -- the biggest one is when he decides for some strange reason to go outside, especially right before bed -- so he should be more aware of his actions and not do those things as we're trying to rebuild my trust in him. I'd say that's jumping through hoops, wouldn't you?

I just wish I knew what to do about it. I wonder how many people will say, "Just trust him." But I can't. I feel like if I do that, I'm enabling him to get away with things with me. Sounds like I really don't think much of him. And maybe I don't, in this area of our relationship. And maybe I feel like he doesn't respect me if he's really lying to me.

How much do I try my best to be the loving wife God tells me to be, and how much should I expect him to be the husband God tells him to be? Or do I simply not expect anything and love as much as I can from my side? I feel like that's not a healthy way to go about things at all.