That's not what I needed or wanted to hear.

The company pushed off Yubo's starting as a supervisor, but it still hasn't been decided when he will officially start. It's tough for him being in limbo, especially when he's apparently stopped smoking again. ((I'm trying my best to trust that he's not lying to me again.))

So far, no one has contacted me back for any jobs, except for a temp voice acting gig. I e-mailed my voice sample submissions today, or technically, last night. I also FB'd the manager of the Massage Envy that I left my cover letter and resume at, since I've been having trouble just getting in contact with her. I really hope that doesn't put her off.

The apparent failures in my job search have left me feeling very incompetent overall. I suppose you could say I've started fishing for encouragement and compliments from Yubo. It's especially tough when the past two or three days, it felt like I didn't exist again. On Tuesday and Wednesday, he was clocked out early because of overtime. On those two days, when he suddenly had so much more free time, he played Assasin's Creed: Brotherhood nearly nonstop. I'm not exaggerating. On Wednesday night, I vented to him my frustrations of how I was feeling about the job search and about us. He didn't say much in response.

"What do you want from me? What do you want from this relationship?"

"I don't know," he said.

Just now, I snapped at him a bit.

I was complaining about having to go in to Bellevue College to get a refund for the class I dropped before the quarter started. I mixed up the credit card I was using, entering my personal one instead of the one I have through my dad. However, I thought I was using my dad's, so I put all that information. That mix up is probably getting in the way of the refund, so I have to go in person to clear that up.

Yubo mentioned that I should go walk through Bellevue Square to see where I can apply. I told him that their website didn't show any good job openings, or the positions being asked for were above my qualifications. He said that he was sure not every single store actually posted their job openings on the mall website. I told him that what openings there were that I saw, I didn't want. And what else could there be at the mall that I would possibly want to work at? I hate retail.

He was surprised. He said he wouldn't have mentioned it if he knew that I was trying to stay away from retail.

We've been together for 6 years now. Known each other for 9. He's known me through Victoria's Secret and Fry's. How can he think I would ever want to go back into that kind of retail?

Then he started pointing out all the Subway locations, as if I've never seen any other Subway aside from the one behind the house. And he ended with how I have to actually go in to the places I want to apply for to have a better chance of getting an interview. Again, as if I don't know. Honestly, I've been trying to avoid that, even though I know he's right. That's probably why I got so upset.

I've asked him often since I started my search what I'm qualified for. Because I was so frustrated that no one was contacting me, I wondered if my resume was so horrible that even entry level type stuff didn't want me.

Yubo wasn't very good at showing me what I'm good at. I'm starting to think that it's because he doesn't know. I think he doesn't see me anymore. All he knows is what he remembers from college, when he actually looked at me. When I was thin and pretty and active. But maybe that's all I see myself as too. Remembering back to when I was actually doing something. And then I look at myself now, and see nothing worth anything. The one person I want to turn to for a different image of who I really am has nothing to present to me.




Why did he marry me? Did I force him?




We're in a situation where we're not communicating very well. It's not even about saying what the other wants to hear. We're not really saying anything constructive to each other either. Yubo thinks he's helping me by advising how I should go about applying for work, when what I really need is a boost in confidence in myself. And I'm feeling so low about myself that I'm not being receptive to him either -- I've been refusing to make him sandwiches... it's a little thing, but a loving wife shouldn't refuse to make her husband a sandwich when he's hungry. But it's because I start to think that's all I am to him. Or that I'm hurt by his lack of attention, so I act as if he should do such things on his own since it doesn't matter that I'm there.

Yes. I've told him this before. I just don't know what he's filtering and what he's retaining, if anything. He's probably waiting for this to blow over.... waiting for me to get over myself. Conflict avoidance.

Sometimes I think, I have some acting ability. Would it make things much better for him if I acted happy and ok? But I know that's not how I should be thinking. That would hurt us more than help. And sometimes I'm scared that if I did that, he would actually believe me because he wouldn't want to see the truth. Conflict avoidance.

Don't worry, readers. We're not as bad off as I make it sound. Really. The sting of what he said earlier is fresh. All those feelings are still fairly raw emotions. I haven't given myself the time to calm down and think things through before writing this entry. Don't be mad at him if I make him out to be a horrible husband. He's not. He's not perfect, of course, but he's not quite so horrible. And please don't be mad at me for being so unfair and moody.

You might wonder why I would write all that I did if only to try to deflect any bad comments with this last paragraph. It's not that. I'm just about honesty.... as honest as I can get. And I'm hoping that once this gets resolved, assuming it gets resolved, I will be able to post an entry on how we resolved it.

There are TONS of underlying issues at play here. Lots of them will probably remain throughout our entire marriage. Despite my frequent gripes, I do have confidence that we will get through it. At the moment, we're in a place where there are quite a few transitions happening all at once. It's scary, this uncertainty we're in. Since we're right at the beginning of it, we haven't seemed to latch back onto each other to get through it together yet. Right now it's still disconnection and hurt feelings.

Pray for us. Our one-year anniversary is in less than three months. I want to be able to spend that day thinking back through this difficult first year and reflect on the things we've overcome.