Follow-Up.

Well, emotions ran quite high tonight. It's frustrating because I didn't intend them to. ::sigh::

But we're not taking a step back from our relationship. I mean, we're not going backwards.

Some old things came up again, but with a bit of new insight. He reminded me of things that he's wanted from me (that he told me a long time ago, but never in such a way that sounded doable). For example, concerning the physical intimacy (not sex), he would love to have me hold his hand more often or hang on his arm. When he first said that, and I still feel this way now, I told him that I can't bring myself to do it. The reason is because then I feel like the nerdy fat girl obsessed with the hot popular jock. It doesn't make for a pretty picture, and only lowers my status more.

My responses to the few things he brought up continued to go back to a single point: I feel unnoticed and insignificant.

As the tension between us rose, Yubo was smart enough to call it a night. And I was smart enough to listen to him. There are still things to revisit, but now we're getting a better handle on when to stop. Not everything needs to be settled in a single discussion, and I'm happy that I finally understand that. I'm sure Yubo's glad for that too.

What helped the most at the end of the night was him saying, "We'll get through this," as we hugged. Such a simple phrase, but so reassuring at that moment. And it's true. We will get through this.

Proverbs31.org

I am in what Lighthouse calls a Dyad -- it's a small group consisting of two people. It started with Triads (groups of 3), but there was some reservation about possibly being associated with the Chinese mafia. XD

Anyhow, since I haven't had much success in small groups, I decided I ought to find someone to call or e-mail and still have the ability to share our troubles and delights and all that stuff you'd do with a small group. At the moment, we're not studying anything together in particular, but just sharing about our week, sharing prayer requests, God-sightings, etc.

Today, she linked me to the website I have in the title of this entry. I visited it and clicked on the "Encouragement for Today" that she told me she loves and wanted to share with me. Today's encouragement was so perfect. I felt like it was written just for me.

It shows me that God is so good in providing just what we need, that He hears us when we pray, and that He actually responds.

I am encouraged to not try to find worldly solutions to our issues, and instead to discover God's solutions.

Starting Over?

Well, we have found ourselves in quite an interesting situation.

Last night (Sunday), there was quite a bit of talk about our lack of intimacy lately. As I recovered from my usual bit of turmoil, I read a few articles that said in 20-25% of marriages, the wife has a higher sex drive than the husband. So we may or may not actually be a part of that statistic. Yubo says it's just the stress of work that's really been getting to him. I think it could be that, along with a number of other factors -- though I mostly put it on the fact that he's not as physically attracted to me as he used to be. It really is a fact, and I've somewhat come to terms with that.

Anyhow....

Today (Monday), I launched into a related discussion with Yubo. Thankfully I did this with a very level head and mostly objective attitude, so I managed to get some pretty good answers out of him.

It turns out that some suspicions were correct, and Yubo really was not ready to get married when we did. He felt pressure from all over, and with his personality type of wanting to please as many people as possible, he didn't give his uneasiness enough voice and married me much sooner than he really wanted to. Now, he did say that he was certain it would be me that he was going to marry, it just didn't happen in the time frame he had in his head.

I said that was a very good thing to know, as I now feel that is a contributing factor to the struggles we've faced these first 9 months of marriage.

Recently, and especially with the added stress of what's been going on at work, he's really distanced himself from me. Normally I would complain and be all hurt over it, but today I feel magically separated from the situation. I can look at what's been happening and accept it as the reality of our relationship. Of course I would still like to figure out what we need to do in order to have a happy and successful marriage, but for the moment I'm freed from hurt feelings.

I brought up a few possibilities about our current relational status, and we have yet to determine if any of them are actually accurate:

1. Our relationship has become an obligation rather than a choice. (This is from our getting married sooner than he wanted to.)
2. We are like an arranged marriage, and just need to learn how to love each other again. (This stems from the idea of our relationship being an obligation.)

Don't misunderstand! It's not really that we don't love each other anymore. It's a little more that our love for each other has changed a bit from before. It's one of those, "It's not bad; it's different," kind of things. But perhaps our love has gone in a direction that it wasn't really supposed to -- a little backwards into a friendship or generally caring kind of love instead of going deeper into a romantic kind of love.

We've gotten so distant that I wonder how well we even know each other anymore. I feel like our knowledge of each other is just from college, back when we were really interested in each other. It's like learning from an outdated textbook. So if #2 is accurate, we just need a refresher course.

We're going to revisit this discussion in a day or two to allow Yubo to process what has been said and discovered.

One thing that does frighten me a little bit is how I'm reacting to all of this. I feel my heart has closed a little bit just to protect me. It's ready to launch all the way back into acquaintance/friendship mode. Too drastic! But I feel that's something that will help me get control over my desire for him.

Anyway, it's still all observation and speculation. I don't know if and how he's praying, but I'm praying that God securely become the center of our relationship -- I feel like He never really was, even after the wedding. We need to get our priorities straight, and fast.

Progress.

It appears that Yubo will not start that field sup position any time soon. Apparently they hired an outside guy for that 3rd field sup, and so Yubo will stay a tech. Still uncertain about schedules and income though.

My job search continues. I got that voice acting gig. Fun times, and scored $100. It made Yubo feel like he should have submitted something. :P

I also got a phone interview with a front desk position for a nursing home last Wednesday. I feel like the interview went really well, but I have yet to hear a yea or nay. They said they would contact me at the end of the week (last week) or the beginning of next week (this week just starting). So I'm hoping for a call tomorrow or Tuesday with some sort of confirmation. I'm actually really hopeful for this job -- not just that it will be good supplementary income, but that it will help me grow as a person and as a Christian.

The position is still listed on the employment section of their website, so I'm praying that this is where God wants me.

However, I still browse craigslist for listings. Found something about a makeup artist. Gonna see if I can't throw together a bunch of makeovers for some before and after pictures to submit some time this week. I think makeup artistry is something I would still want to do aside from a regular job.

I may also keep up with random gigs. That VA gig really was a lot of fun. And the sound guy seemed pleased enough to mention that there can be quite a bit of work up here. Yubo and I figure that he wouldn't have mentioned that if I wasn't at least decent. He even told me directly that I have a really pleasant voice. LoL. It reminded me of back in college when some friends told me I have a good phone voice. And it also reminded me of how I dream of doing anime dubs in hopes that it wouldn't be quite so horrible anymore. :P

So we're better than we were in that last post. A few other stresses are popping up, but I'm trying to be more diligent about prayer. I can only trust that Yubo is spending time in prayer as well (I really hope he is)(I wish we would pray together).

That's not what I needed or wanted to hear.

The company pushed off Yubo's starting as a supervisor, but it still hasn't been decided when he will officially start. It's tough for him being in limbo, especially when he's apparently stopped smoking again. ((I'm trying my best to trust that he's not lying to me again.))

So far, no one has contacted me back for any jobs, except for a temp voice acting gig. I e-mailed my voice sample submissions today, or technically, last night. I also FB'd the manager of the Massage Envy that I left my cover letter and resume at, since I've been having trouble just getting in contact with her. I really hope that doesn't put her off.

The apparent failures in my job search have left me feeling very incompetent overall. I suppose you could say I've started fishing for encouragement and compliments from Yubo. It's especially tough when the past two or three days, it felt like I didn't exist again. On Tuesday and Wednesday, he was clocked out early because of overtime. On those two days, when he suddenly had so much more free time, he played Assasin's Creed: Brotherhood nearly nonstop. I'm not exaggerating. On Wednesday night, I vented to him my frustrations of how I was feeling about the job search and about us. He didn't say much in response.

"What do you want from me? What do you want from this relationship?"

"I don't know," he said.

Just now, I snapped at him a bit.

I was complaining about having to go in to Bellevue College to get a refund for the class I dropped before the quarter started. I mixed up the credit card I was using, entering my personal one instead of the one I have through my dad. However, I thought I was using my dad's, so I put all that information. That mix up is probably getting in the way of the refund, so I have to go in person to clear that up.

Yubo mentioned that I should go walk through Bellevue Square to see where I can apply. I told him that their website didn't show any good job openings, or the positions being asked for were above my qualifications. He said that he was sure not every single store actually posted their job openings on the mall website. I told him that what openings there were that I saw, I didn't want. And what else could there be at the mall that I would possibly want to work at? I hate retail.

He was surprised. He said he wouldn't have mentioned it if he knew that I was trying to stay away from retail.

We've been together for 6 years now. Known each other for 9. He's known me through Victoria's Secret and Fry's. How can he think I would ever want to go back into that kind of retail?

Then he started pointing out all the Subway locations, as if I've never seen any other Subway aside from the one behind the house. And he ended with how I have to actually go in to the places I want to apply for to have a better chance of getting an interview. Again, as if I don't know. Honestly, I've been trying to avoid that, even though I know he's right. That's probably why I got so upset.

I've asked him often since I started my search what I'm qualified for. Because I was so frustrated that no one was contacting me, I wondered if my resume was so horrible that even entry level type stuff didn't want me.

Yubo wasn't very good at showing me what I'm good at. I'm starting to think that it's because he doesn't know. I think he doesn't see me anymore. All he knows is what he remembers from college, when he actually looked at me. When I was thin and pretty and active. But maybe that's all I see myself as too. Remembering back to when I was actually doing something. And then I look at myself now, and see nothing worth anything. The one person I want to turn to for a different image of who I really am has nothing to present to me.




Why did he marry me? Did I force him?




We're in a situation where we're not communicating very well. It's not even about saying what the other wants to hear. We're not really saying anything constructive to each other either. Yubo thinks he's helping me by advising how I should go about applying for work, when what I really need is a boost in confidence in myself. And I'm feeling so low about myself that I'm not being receptive to him either -- I've been refusing to make him sandwiches... it's a little thing, but a loving wife shouldn't refuse to make her husband a sandwich when he's hungry. But it's because I start to think that's all I am to him. Or that I'm hurt by his lack of attention, so I act as if he should do such things on his own since it doesn't matter that I'm there.

Yes. I've told him this before. I just don't know what he's filtering and what he's retaining, if anything. He's probably waiting for this to blow over.... waiting for me to get over myself. Conflict avoidance.

Sometimes I think, I have some acting ability. Would it make things much better for him if I acted happy and ok? But I know that's not how I should be thinking. That would hurt us more than help. And sometimes I'm scared that if I did that, he would actually believe me because he wouldn't want to see the truth. Conflict avoidance.

Don't worry, readers. We're not as bad off as I make it sound. Really. The sting of what he said earlier is fresh. All those feelings are still fairly raw emotions. I haven't given myself the time to calm down and think things through before writing this entry. Don't be mad at him if I make him out to be a horrible husband. He's not. He's not perfect, of course, but he's not quite so horrible. And please don't be mad at me for being so unfair and moody.

You might wonder why I would write all that I did if only to try to deflect any bad comments with this last paragraph. It's not that. I'm just about honesty.... as honest as I can get. And I'm hoping that once this gets resolved, assuming it gets resolved, I will be able to post an entry on how we resolved it.

There are TONS of underlying issues at play here. Lots of them will probably remain throughout our entire marriage. Despite my frequent gripes, I do have confidence that we will get through it. At the moment, we're in a place where there are quite a few transitions happening all at once. It's scary, this uncertainty we're in. Since we're right at the beginning of it, we haven't seemed to latch back onto each other to get through it together yet. Right now it's still disconnection and hurt feelings.

Pray for us. Our one-year anniversary is in less than three months. I want to be able to spend that day thinking back through this difficult first year and reflect on the things we've overcome.

Promotion, of sorts, and Job Hunting.

Today, Yubo accepted the field supervisor position that was offered to him. He will start that position on Thursday. He was very nervous at first. He continued to pray about it a lot before settling on a decision. Messages on three nearly consecutive Sunday mornings that focused on, "Don't be afraid.... I am with you...," helped Yubo accept the position. He said that after he confirmed that he would take it, he felt loads better. But he's still not sure about how this will change his income.

Yesterday, Yubo called my dad to get some opinions on what we were discussing as far as him taking the position and me putting school off again to work. The conversation went about as well as I figured. My dad reluctantly agreed with our reasoning, so I dropped the single class I had and two waiting list classes for the quarter and now I've joined the job hunt.

I was supposed to get some applications today, but chores, changing my name with Social Security and mailing out the rest of the extra wedding DVDs consumed too much of the day. So the real hunt starts tomorrow.

I already contacted an optical office that had posted an opening for a front desk position on craigslist, but that was posted last week. I emailed them last night if they were still looking and haven't received a response yet.

Tomorrow, I plan to walk down the shopping center behind the house, focusing mostly on the Subway and QFC. I texted my friend that is a manager at the Massage Envy in Kirkland to see if she was hiring. She said that the Massage Envy in Northgate is hiring -- about a 20-30min drive away. It would be ideal to get something in the shopping center behind the house because then I can still walk over in case it's too difficult to drive, or if I just want more exercise. It'll save gas too.

My reservations about getting a job are mostly about our time frame. Yubo says he might only need me to work for this quarter, but I'm not comfortable applying to places that are probably looking for more commitment. I don't want to get hired, then bail three months later. Craigslist doesn't have much in the way of temp jobs, so I might have to look up a temp agency or something.

So that's where we're at right now. I'm happy and excited for Yubo, and going to try my best to help support us financially during this time of financial uncertainty.

Happy New Year!

Yubo and I have survived another year together. Once we get to Jan 9th, we will have been together for 5 years. And we have been living in Washington for just over 6 years now.

I have to say that I don't miss a whole lot about 2010. Yes, we got married, but that was so ridiculously stressful. If we could've gone without a huge ceremony, I think I'd go back and do it like that instead. But I have to admit that it was fun seeing my bridesmaids look so gorgeous and have them there by my side.

It feels like aside from all that, the majority of 2010 was quite uneventful. Am I forgetting things?

We added Chiyo to our family, and it's been a delight to have her. We still wish Tifa would just get over herself and be nice.

I finally went to the doctor with the help of Yubo's health benefits. I made a little more progress with school (and when I say a little, I really mean a little..... tiny.... itty bitty).

The year also seemed to put more stress on Yubo. As I mentioned in the previous post, he has started smoking again. However, he has a goal to quit before we get to our one year wedding anniversary.

We got to spend Christmas down in California. Although we spent the majority of the trip in Anaheim with Yubo's parents with me battling illnesses a huge chunk of the time, I got to spend some time with my parents, grandparents and sister.

As we start off the new year, Yubo and I are thinking very seriously about where we're headed. Finances have gotten a bit tight. We're trying to figure out how badly we need me to put off school again to work full time for some extra income. Yubo says that will take a huge chunk of stress off his shoulders, which will make it that much easier for him to quit smoking. I told him I would gladly go back to work, especially for that reason. The fear is how my dad will take that.

The winter quarter starts this Monday, the 3rd. I have until the 7th to withdraw from the quarter with a full refund. So we need to decide soon if we want me to drop this quarter or go through with it until the next quarter, or if I even need to put off school at all. I just want to do what I can to support Yubo.

With April comes our first anniversary. It's said that the first year is especially difficult. I don't know how well we can vouch for that. It has been quite difficult though, actually, but I feel like we did a decent job of getting through it. Not a whole lot has been resolved. Problems that have been around since we first got together are still here, but I think we've made a lot of progress on how we handle bad situations and how we deal with each other.

And I still have no desire for kids just yet.

As many do with the new year, I am trying to get into a healthier lifestyle. My diet hasn't gotten much better this first day, but I have been active. My aching body and cramping thighs are testament to that.

We pray that God continues to guide us in this new year, and that we could be better at hearing His voice and keeping Him at the center of our relationship and household.

Here's to continuing our journey together.