Making our way back up the hill.

I'm still learning to let go of the things that aren't so important. I'm not so bothered about breakfast anymore. The other morning, he was finally smart enough to ask me to make him something to go. Also, if he seems particularly tired, I simply won't make anything and let him sleep. I also won't press him as hard to be out of bed "on time."

I've been able to sleep without him, and because of that, I feel like I'm getting a better sleep. It seems if I simply stop relying on him for things that he doesn't necessarily need to be responsible for, it all works out better. It's less pressure on him and fewer expectations from me.

Probably the main thing that continues to frustrate me is his lack of response to my letters, notes, and our "discussions." I told him one night that everything still feels very one-sided; I still only know my side of things based on how I feel, what I think, and my own observations. I still don't know how he feels, what he thinks, what his opinions are about our relationship and where our lives are taking us together.

I noticed that when he does give input in a slightly heated conversation, he goes back to the same thing, even if it actually doesn't have much to do with the topic or the question I asked. He's frustrated that I don't do much with myself. But when he talks about the things that frustrate him about me, I can't help but feel that he still doesn't get me at all, even after 5 years. I told him so, and he actually agreed.

We've fallen into this very strange situation of knowing each other and not knowing each other at the same time. I don't know if it's some sort of unconscious refusal to really understand the other person, some sort of miscommunication or general lack of communication, lack of observation... I don't know. I think we're both still too young and immature.

I was a little offended when my dad told Yubo's parents that I was still too naive during an engagement meeting, but when I look at myself now, I think I have to agree. (I wonder if I mentioned this anywhere before.... but I've been thinking about it for a while.) And I think it's because I want this world to be more simple than it really is. I often hear myself say, "I don't understand why it can't just be like this," and, "Why is this so unnecessarily complicated?" Or actually that I kind of refuse the world -- I don't care to know anything about our government, politics, what's really going on in the world -- I kind of refuse everything that isn't in my immediate bubble.

Perhaps that's why I put way too much focus on Yubo. He's in my immediate bubble. In a sense, he is my world. I've been trying to make him simple and straightforward and easy to understand. But he's human. It's impossible for him to be like that. Even I'm not like that. So why can't I enjoy the person that he is? Why do I put so much weight to flaws and misunderstandings and hurt feelings?

To put it visually, I think Yubo's feeling constricted by my tight bubble and is trying to get a little breathing room. Because my world is so narrowly focused on him, I see his struggle as trying to get away from me, and I feel hurt. I know this isn't the case, but I suppose it's my narrow vision and insecurity that makes me feel like this.

There are so many ways that we can balance each other out and make each other better, but we fight it. All we're experiencing right now is that he's feeling stiffled and I'm feeling hurt. Both of our mindsets need a drastic readjustment. And perhaps this won't be as difficult as it may seem. It actually wasn't very hard for me to be okay sleeping without him. I still miss him during the day and feel neglected if we don't spend much time together when he's available, but it hasn't increased with not going to bed at the same time. I'm pretty positive it would decrease if we did every once in a while, but now I recognize that it's really not such a huge thing. What studies say and what other people do doesn't dictate what is best and what will work for us. So I think Yubo and I need to really recognize how we can balance each other, and try our best to let it happen. And I conclude that the biggest thing that needs to happen is that I need to let go of control more, and Yubo needs to be a little more supportive. What I mean on Yubo's part is that he's very throw you in the water so you can figure out how to swim on your own, which doesn't work at all for me. And I'm very you have to do this and this and this in this way in order to succeed, and that goes against everything that Yubo is.

But again, we'll find balance. Just as we have these ups and downs, there will be fluctations in everything in our lives. There's nothing that says that we have to either only roll with it or only try to minimize the waves. We can work together and to both.