My health, and future plans.

It's nearly 4:30am. I should be sleeping. The original plan was to wake up at 6:00a to start getting ready to go to church as we're up for worship. Instead, here I am awake, eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, updating this blog.

I would say for nearly a month now -- maybe it hasn't really been that long, but it sure feels like -- I've been having a number of issues mostly revolving around a ridiculous sleep schedule and depression. These two main points could very well be influencing each other, creating for me an endless cycle of unpleasantness.

For a while now, Yubo and I both have felt I may be clinically depressed. I thought I got over it back down in California. I had stopped having suicidal thoughts and wasn't as negative towards life with the help of having Yubo in my life. When we got up here to WA, I blamed it on the weather. It was easy to explain as S.A.D. But after the stresses of the wedding, the wonders of the honeymoon, and the disappointment of having to return to regular life, the symptoms of depression have crept back into my life and stuck. It's been fairly good weather with a number of beautiful sunny days, and I remain in the house a hermit, miserable with boredom and body aches.

At the beginning of all this was a massage gone wrong. Because of my scoliosis and how I handle stress, I get really tense in the typical neck-shoulders-shoulder blades area. I scheduled a massage appointment, but was too impatient to wait to see one of my usual three therapists. I just went with whoever was available at the time. Her technique just wasn't for me. The depth of the pressure was fine, but she worked too fast and didn't really focus on the areas I really wanted worked on. When she did get to those areas, it felt like she was rushing.... or rubbing out a stain. Unfortunately, I'm not one to request how to get a massage. I leave it up to the expertise of the therapist.

After that massage session, everything went downhill. Before the massage, I had missed a number of days of work due to pain. So I got the massage in hopes that I would be able to return and catch up on work. After the massage, I got worse.... much, much worse. I couldn't move my right arm without a sharp pain. That went on for a while. Because of that, I ended up missing about another week or so of work. I felt horrible. Really, I felt entirely incompetent. That's what gave the depression a foothold.

I started physically feeling worse and worse. Other pains started manifesting in my body, and I just had a general constant feeling of fatigue and weariness. We suspected it was more psychological than anything else, but it just wouldn't ease up. Then I just started feeling horrible as a person, attacking myself with negativity, indulging in harmful and degrading thoughts.

On top of all that, I've been lacking sleep and sleeping too much at the same time. It seems I can only sleep for 2-4 hours at a time. Then, I'm sleeping 2-3 times a day. So I'm sleep deprived, but can sleep up to 12 hours collectively in one day, thus sleeping too much. I'm concerned that toxins and what not are building up in my system, and that my body simply isn't getting the chance to rest and repair itself like it should.

I kept thinking that since I finally had insurance, I should go see a doctor. However, my disdain for doctors kept me from seriously looking for one. Also, because it's been a good 10 years since I've been to a doctor, I simply don't know what it's like to go to one anymore. The uncertainty of that is another factor that holds me back. I've been wanting to schedule an appointment with someone on a Monday so that Yubo could bring me and be there for support, but his Mondays haven't been as free as they should have been.

Finally, I've reached a point where I wouldn't mind needing medication if it would really help. I'm very paranoid of meds, but this bout of ailments has brought me to my limit.

Concerning our future plans, these issues have made me rethink things. I originally wanted to have two children before I hit 30. I felt that would be the best for me as I would have more energy now to handle two kids than if I waited longer. My chiropractor told me that my back wouldn't complicate childbearing, so I'm ok there. I just need to focus on strengthening my back muscles more. I'm also worried that my chances of getting pregnant after 30 will be too slim. Men can make babies forever while women only have so many eggs to fertilize. My mom is also concerned about me waiting too long to have children.

However, with everything that's been going on these past few weeks, I'm not sure if I'm fit to be a mother just yet. Yubo hated my before-30 deadline, but didn't want to argue with my biological clock. But in a conversation yesterday, he told me that my health is more important to him than having children. I agree in a sense, but more for the sake of the children than for myself. At this point, I feel like if we tried, it would just be so rushed. I really wanted to enjoy marriage longer without children. I suppose that's why I thought I wanted to marry at 24. I want to travel more with Yubo (even though I absolutely hate traveling). I want to bring him to Cambodia and China (which we want to try to do October of next year). I want him to take me to Japan. I want to spend some time exploring the other islands of Hawaii. All of this would be put on hold for many years with a child.

Now, we're actually wondering if we want children at all. He could have it either way. So it kind of falls on me for how seriously we try. At this point, I might just be happy with our cats. But I suppose if God wants to bless us with a child (even if it's after I'm 30), it'll happen. I think further discussion with a doctor will help me decide what would be best for us. Well, at this point, the best thing would be to just get me better.