Sinking in.

It's so weird. When I think back on our move up from Cali, I don't remember it being so difficult. I remember the pain of seeing my dad cry when we finished packing my stuff into the truck. And crying after we got up here as I was reading a card from Akemi. But other than that, I don't remember it being difficult. Of course, I can read back to the entry I wrote about it back in 2009 when I started this blog and know that it really was a hard time for me.

But it was decided. Back then, I was following the man I love to a new life. I wasn't really conflicted. Despite the fear of leaving everything I ever knew, I at least had Yubo.

After 7 years up here in WA, it feels the same.... perhaps worse.

We had pushed up my moving time frame to the middle of March, because if I'm supposed to find a place for us to live first, my leaving needs to be a decent amount of time away from when Yubo wants to leave (beginning of April). Otherwise, we might was well just leave together and somehow manage at our parents' houses until we find a place of our own. Too stressful, though, with three cats.

I was updating our Google calendar to remove bill reminders that we wouldn't need anymore after April, and making sure I didn't accidentally schedule something important. It was vaguely unsettling that I only had to click through three months.

I also asked Yubo to email Ei-chan's wedding party to see if any progress has been made for the date of the bachelor party. Ideally, we'd be mostly settled somewhere in Cali so that Yubo can focus his attentions on attending his brother.

As I let Yubo take over my laptop to send the email (his was preoccupied with the game he was playing), it started sinking in. I started thinking, It's actually coming up pretty fast. As soon as the new year hits, I'm leaving in 2.5 months. Well, even if I'm not quite emotionally ready, I can at least be logistically/practically ready...

2.5 months.

Then it really hit me. I still don't want to go.

For some reason, after 7 years, I'm feeling like I'm in the same place I was 7 years ago. I'm leaving everything that I know to some foreign place. I'm out of touch with so many of my friends, many of them either no longer in MPK (which doesn't entirely matter since we'll more than likely be somewhere around Northridge) or with other circles of friends that I don't know. Aztec Singers has an established choreographer. Everyone has moved on, just as I have up here.

We'll have to find a new church and build up connections and relationships from scratch again. I'll have to shift gears from being so involved in church to being a newbie again. No worship team, no coordinating, no planning.

It feels more difficult than it was 7 years ago because I've grown deep roots here. Down in Cali, I was still young. I didn't really have anything established. I was growing up and wanting to learn how to be an adult on my own (sort of).

Up here, I've learned what I'm worth. I've learned to confide in people I trust. I've learned that I'm actually pretty good at the things I do. I've learned that I'm pretty darn happy up here... despite the weather and S.A.D. and streets that don't make sense.

And I remember, that even in all that California sun, I dealt with depression. And I'm scared to go back to that. I'm scared to be further reminded of who I was back then. But I have to know that fear is not from God. These are things that are being amplified in my head to possibly try and keep me from where God really wants me now (or soon).


After I cried to Yubo for a bit and told him how I was feeling (just as he started typing up the email), he even offered to stay. But I told him, no. Things are already in place. Things are already moving. And God already firmly told us to go. Even though He hasn't given us a clearer time frame, He hasn't retracted that statement to go. And I'm actually feeling like the things we needed to do up here are done. So we have to trust Him to lead us to what He has in store for us next.

Getting Healthy: Juice. First two recipes.

We got a juicer for a great price off of Craigslist. I was interested in juicing before, but became even more interested after watching "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." The movie/documentary came up in a lot of the the articles and pages I was reading about juicing.

The plan was to replace at least one soda a day with fresh juice. Honestly, I haven't been so consistent, but I do recognize that inconsistency isn't something to get discouraged about. Just need to keep trying. And I do feel better on the days that I do have juice.

Anyway, I thought I'd list some recipes here so that I don't lose or forget them.

Recipe #1: Carrot-Apple-Celery
Nice and simple, and I have no problem with the fruits or veggies in their natural form -- meaning, I would already willingly eat them. Figured that would be the best way to ease me into a juice.

2 carrots
2 Granny Smith apples
1-2 stalks celery

I originally started with 2 stalks of celery, but the taste and aroma were pretty strong. So, although I haven't tried it yet, the next time I make it I will probably take the celery down to one. Also found that I preferred Granny Smith to Gala apples for this one.

Recipe #2: Not-so-Mean Green
I gave it this name because it's not the traditional recipe.

3 handfuls baby spinach
2 cucumbers
1 stalk celery
3 Granny Smith apples
1 peeled lemon

The kale that Yubo bought turned up with a snail or something -- enough to freak us both out to not use it. I didn't use parsley because I don't care for it, and added the celery because it's refreshing. One recipe I found asked for two lemons -- just using one was more than enough. I might even go to half next time. Anyway, overall happy with the way this recipe turned out. Really refreshing.

Babe.

I give nicknames to the majority of my friends. I suppose it's because I want them to know that they are special to me, and to hope that in turn, I am special to them (e.g. I'm the only one that calls them that).

Sometimes I wonder if it's annoying to them, but whatever. LoL.

So we know that Yubo calls me "Mochi," and that nickname has spread to some of his friends and family, which I don't mind. It does make it entertaining when someone is talking about mochi (pounded rice cake), and I think they are talking about me. But I suppose it started to feel less endearing.

I mentioned in a FB status a while ago how after two years, I still get a bit giddy when I hear him talking to someone else and refer to me as, "my wife." My theory is that it's because we're so comfortable and casual in our relationship, and that we're really horrible at being sweet and romantic with each other -- one of us (and honestly, usually it's me) will ruin the mood with a weird face or a joke.

Recently, we had a mini fight that I thought would be worse than it was. I actually told Yubo that I didn't believe that he comes home to me -- rather, that he comes home to games and his teammates, or simply to get away from his job. He went to bed really early that night, and then I didn't get to see him for about two days after that because work got crazy.

Somehow, it mostly resolved itself. And at some point one night, I asked him if he would try calling me "babe" or "baby" because our other nicknames for each other weren't sexy (I call him "bub" or "bubba"). He probably thought I was being crazy, but he humored me, and actually nonchalantly threw it out there.... and I got really giddy.

For some reason, just that little endearment made me feel like we started over, like we were in a new relationship with each and just started dating. Somehow, encapsulated in that little word, he makes me feel special, wanted, sexy, treasured. Even though loads of couples all over the world use that same word, it manages to mean something like that to me. Heck, we use "babe" and "baby" as nicknames for Tifa! But it's said in a different tone, and really does have a different meaning behind it.

He probably hasn't thought about any of this when he uses the word -- he just knows that it makes me giggle and blush, and that I like it. But on top of all that, lately he'll come home and greet me before he sits at his laptop or the TV. I don't know how long this will last, but be sure that I am reveling in it.

It really is surprising how such a seemingly insignificant adjustment can mean so much.

The latest countdown.

Well, I've finished school and Yubo has his plumbing license. And so we're moving back down to California. End of March - early April is our current time frame. (If this is the first you've heard of this, and you feel you should have known sooner, I apologize. I forget who I've told, and this is the first official announcement, of sorts.)

As news of us leaving spreads through the church, I've been met with lots of, "Oh no! We'll miss you!," and "No you're not." LoL.

Six years ago, I never would have thought I'd become so immersed in a church. Seven years ago, I never thought I'd find myself regularly attending a church by choice.

Washington has certainly become home to me, and it's been a struggle for me to support Yubo in this decision to move back down. And actually, it was very much God changing my mind -- or more like, telling me to stop fighting it like a brat, though not in those exact words.

Even though we're just about set, prayer about the decision continues. Just want to make sure that we've done everything God wants us to do up here without hastily running off. At least, that's where I'm at. Yubo can't wait to "go home," because that's what it is for him.

Anyhow, I don't have a whole lot to say regarding this. Things that we don't need right away are slowly being packed and put into storage. Once the clutter is out, we'll do a big cleaning (especially our very disgusting carpets).

This year, I will probably write up one of those Christmas letters for the friends that don't stalk me on FB or that I generally don't talk to or update very often. And my main plan is to spend my birthday up here and double it up as a house cleaning going away party. Ideally, I'd like to plan it out so we don't have to spend our third anniversary apart.

Then we'll become one of those Spring/Summer visitors as a break from the California heat and smog.

Responses to FB comments.

Around 2am this morning, I posted this status:
If I'm still hurt that he won't even apologize, does that mean I haven't really forgiven him?

Below are select comments I got from a few friends. I found I had a lot to say in response, so I thought I'd turn it into a blog and still respond directly to each comment. Don't know if any of them will ask for this blog address to read my responses, and I'm ok with that. But these cover a pretty good spectrum that I feel it fitting to dedicate an entry to them.



"Maybe I'm just too lax or insensitive or whatever, but I never really understand what's the big deal with all these inter-personal relationship issues. I mean, at the end of the day, you're not starving in Africa. You have no terminal illness. You've got all your limbs. Your face was never disfigured in some fire or freak accident. Life has been pretty good to you. I feel like Yubo playing video games or you feeling emotionally discontent in some manner, as far as problems go, just isn't all that bad. It's not like he's cheating on you, a raging alcoholic, or actively participating in domestic violence. On the contrary, I get the impression that he cares about you a lot, but no one on this planet can give you everything that you need and want. Personally, when I get home from an evening of obligatory labor, I really want to be able to do whatever I want to be doing with the remainder of the time I've got left because I know what awaits me is yet another day of mindless and arduous labor. The last thing I want to do is something I don't want to do."


I tend to feel that we were created for relationships. Not only romantic relationships, but any and all relationships. And that is why I think relationships are much more important than many people make them out to be. We are not meant to be alone in this world. So the big deal is that a bad relationship leaves you alone. I would be fine to have a terminal illness, missing limbs, and/or disfigurement, as long as I wasn't alone. And if we want to get technical, my scoliosis is a disfigurement. My scars from scratches and cuts and accidents. But I have family and friends and Yubo and God. The relationships in my life are the blessings that keep me going. And with Yubo being my second most important relationship in my life, of course I'm strongly affected when something is wrong. Otherwise, God would have called me to live as Paul did, celibate and romantically single, but still having relationships with people. And even in that case, I would be burdened by a friendship that wasn't working out well. The way I see life, it all comes back to relationships.


If going off of what my friend ended with, how can I not be hurt or make a big deal if the one thing that the man I love wants to do when he gets home from a long day at work is NOT be with me?

One of my greatest frustrations stems from knowing how good we've been, how great we can be, and how amazing we're going to be. So when we're in a slump and it's looking like he doesn't want to get out of it (or at most, get us up to satisfactory), then I'm frustrated with the thought that he doesn't care enough about us to get us to that amazing that I know we have. Understand, though, that this is one of my filters. I have no proof that he "doesn't care enough about us to get us to that amazing" stage. And I know that I'm impatient, and not good at pacing myself (which he is good at). But when we live in a way that disconnects us from our relationship (that feeling that we're roommates instead of married), I get no balance from his way of doing things. Instead, I just get irritated.




"...when its Us time and he refuses to put down the damn DS after having played the same game for about 6 hours before I came home.. then yeah, I have a problem. I usually try to distract myself with whatever movie we're watching or maybe another crochet project because quite frankly, at this point, I feel it is an absolute waste of time to get upset over it.... again. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but after a little while, it just hurts less and less."


I have my things that I do all day. While he's working, I'm at school. And I practice guitar and do homework and work on church stuff and watch anime and play with the cats and knit and crochet. At the end of my day that has been filled with everything I can do without him, there's nothing more I can distract myself with when all I want is to be with him.


And I don't want it to hurt less and less. If it does, then something is wrong. Then it means I don't care anymore whether or not I can actually be with the one I love.




"Some of the things your friends have to say are pretty good.Here's my summary with my own twist. 1. You can forgive someone but still be left feeling hurt. I think you know it's forgiveness when in spite of feeling hurt you don't carry a grudge or harbor resentment. This is a subtle thing to pay attention to and only you can know, it is most clearly seen in those moments when you could do something to annoy the other person, and either choose not to, or choose to take a subtle stab. Another indication can be if you are talking to them, and feel the need to spin off into a narrative about how they hurt you to make them feel bad. This also would not be forgiveness 2. I'd like to rephrase what Andy said for my own liking. When a person feels hurt, sometimes they get tunnel vision. They look at the thing in life that's causing pain, and are forgetting to be grateful for all the wonderful blessings in the periphery. This is a kind of distortion of the big picture, and it happens to all of us at times. 3. It's perfectly reasonable to ask someone your married to, to set aside quality time where they are not focused on doing anything other than just being with you/ doing something with you. If they aren't engaged in the activity, then there are times that finding out what THEY would like to do with you during the quality time would be of value. Finally, it's pretty important to find something you're passionate about that you enjoy doing for it's own sake. "Having your own life" This makes it easier to adjust a change in plans if something doesn't work out that you'd planned, but you have a different thing you could do that you actually do look forward to doing. Hope that helps!"


I already pretty much responded to the "having your own life" thing above. Basketball was my choice for what to do that he likes, but due to crazy schedules, has fallen by the wayside at the moment. Honestly, the only other thing he would want to do is game. And even if I tried to start playing a game with him, it would be just like basketball. Once I'm done, he'll continue on at his pace. So for a game, he'd stay slow and put up with being killed several times and having to revive me several times and putting up with missed and failed quests because I'm not good enough, and then redeem all that time for himself by staying up longer to play with his friends that actually know what they're doing. Then I would feel that the only times he'd actually let me play a game with him is just to humor and placate me.


This may sound like I'm painting a bad picture of him, but if you really pay attention, it's me that's looking ugly. Because as wonderful as he is to me, there's not much he can do to show me that he actually enjoys being with me. It's a change I have to make in myself, and that I am very aware of. I still have a very low view of myself, and even the slightest dismissal from him just confirms my view 10 times over. I know how wrong that kind of thinking is. Trust me, this is far from the lowest state of self-destruction I've been. Unfortunately, negativity still is more powerful to me than positivity, because that's the energy I've been working with for at least 25 years of my life.


So let's see where Yubo and I are in another 25 years when we're celebrating our 27th anniversary -- and yes, I do believe we will be celebrating anniversaries until we die.... or until Jesus comes back, whichever happens first.

Treating Symptoms.

May 4-6 was our church retreat. It was an amazing weekend, and so much more than we (the planning team) could have hoped for.

By the end of the retreat, I was faced with something that I've struggled with for so long: forgiveness. Or rather, my lack of forgiveness.

I can't remember if I wrote about this before, but during one of our moments of tension in which he apologized, I told him that although I acknowledged his apology, I could not say I forgave him and mean it.

for·give

verb \fər-ˈgiv, fȯr-\

 

transitive verb

1a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult> b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>

2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon <forgive one's enemies>

 

 

I couldn't do it. I would still hold things over his head. I would still think about times when he didn't actually apologize, and feel like he still owed me one.

 

Well, at the end of that retreat, by the grace and power of God, I forgave him. Truly forgave him for everything in the past that I still held him to.

 

It was a good breakthrough for me, and I left that weekend feeling energized and excited.

 

 

Well, that didn't last long.

 

That next Monday, we fought. Now, we don't scream at each other, we don't get violent, and we don't really do a lot that most people might do in what they would call a "fight." I was just talking to him (nagging, really, but in a not obviously nagging way), and he shut down hard. And I ended up leaving the house just as I had when I caught him smoking back in February. I sat in the car at the park and cried. Still feeling the bond I created with the planning team at the retreat, I emailed them for help and prayer. Called one of them after driving over to Shari's for dinner; the time had calmed me down, and talking and praying with her helped further. I got home about 2 hours after leaving, and I apologized for lashing out, and forgave him for the same. Then after he went to bed, I ended up on the phone with P.Keith for a bit for more advice and guidance before finally going to bed myself.

 

I was scared, because we usually recover from fights fairly quickly, and yet he was still very upset the entire day Tuesday. The tension remained until Wednesday, until I asked him if we could make up. It was a nice reminder that we do still love each other, and can still come together to enjoy each other amongst all the frustrations.

 

We met with P.Keith together that Saturday, and left with the tension almost back up to full power. But as P.Keith suggested, we started reading Mark together and praying every night, even if it's just the Lord's prayer. Although that has helped a bit, we haven't talked about things as I would like.

 

The latest incident is what sparks this entry.

 

Yesterday (Sunday), I caved in and let Yubo get Diablo III. As with every time he got a new game, I asked if he would not spend too long on it since we both had to wake up early today, and he said he wouldn't. And what happened? He spent too long playing. And he tried to finish up his night as if nothing happened and I wasn't bothered.

 

In light of what happened at the retreat, and with the understanding that forgiveness isn't a one-time deal for us humans toward each other, I had a question. The question was not meant to come off as emotionally charged; it really was just something that I was simply wondering. I posted in on FB, but with it following the previous status about worrying about Yubo playing Diablo III, I understand that my friends took it that way. More on that in the next entry.

 

Basically, though, I asked: If I'm still hurt that he won't even apologize, does that mean I haven't really forgiven him?

 

I just wanted to know if it counted as forgiveness if I didn't hold resentment but still felt hurt by the event. I could forgive him and not feel like he owed me an apology or anything, but I was still hurt that he didn't feel the need to apologize. Because I wanted to make sure that I was really forgiving him as I wanted to.

 

I asked him if we could at least talk today about what happened last night, and he agreed.

 

And we finally get to my title: treating symptoms.

 

Everything I focus on has been a symptom rather than what's actually causing things.... the virus, if you will. My vision is filled with his gaming, his smoking, the messy house, not spending time together, not having sex often enough, that I nag, that I'm trying to force him into a schedule, and other obvious surface things like that. Nothing or not enough about why. Just that it's happening and it should stop.

 

We both know that what happened on the 7th had nothing to do with what it seemed like on the surface (the fight was outwardly about going to play basketball and limiting his time). But we focused on it because we didn't know how to or didn't want to dig deeper to find the real issue.

 

The first thing we're trying to do, though, is to not resort to our usual tactics when facing and dealing with conflict.

 

When meeting with P.Keith, we were able to verbalize our tactics in this way:

• Yubo shuts down, and what he thinks he gets by shutting down is peace.
• I run, and what I think I get by running is giving the other person peace.

And we know that it doesn't work like that. It doesn't really bring us peace, and instead, has hurt us both rather severely because of how long we've been doing this.

So we're hoping that as we stop shutting down and running away, we'll be able to focus that energy we would have used to instead find and work on the actual issues.

Reading Mark and praying is helping us to finally bring God into our relationship, and the goal is to finally let Him rule like He's supposed to. And that's our first and most important step.

Basketball.

In a momentary lapse of reason, I asked Yubo to teach me how to play basketball. And, of course, he was all too eager to take me up on that request.

With the aid of our tax return, we got ourselves geared up (with workout clothes, basketball shoes, and a basketball), and headed down to a 24-Hour Fitness Super Sport, where there is a nice court. Actually, where there is a nice everything.

This past Saturday, Yubo showed me how to bounce the ball (I actually really don't like saying 'dribble'... it sounds like drooling), and the very basics of shooting. While he played one on one with our friend Andrew, I walked back and forth across the other half of the court bouncing the ball. As more people filtered in, I decided I was good on that, and left Yubo and Andrew to play while I hopped onto an elliptical for 20 minutes. It was a good starter workout for me.

On Sunday, we went back. Yikes! Two nights in a row! Where did my mind go??

We went through some crazy difficult dribbling drills (I can't say ball bouncing drills because that's just awkward and wrong), passing, and more shooting stuff. My forearms really don't like me. I was about to get on a bike to let Yubo practice on his own (rather than be stuck slowly taking me through such basic stuff), but he was kind enough to let me call it a night since it was already 10:30pm. He also agreed that helping me ensures that he really has his basics down before getting back into games with other people.

That night, we decided to upgrade his membership and get me a membership again.

The really good thing that comes out of this is we've been spending that much more time together, and that's what I enjoy and look forward to each time.

Yesterday, we took a break because Yubo was feeling more sore than he thought he would. Although he was debating whether or not to power through it, I also asked for the night off so I could finish working on the retreat booklet for our upcoming church retreat. Tonight, we won't go because it's his on-call shift. But we should get back into it tomorrow, and we're going to try to make it as much an everyday thing as we can.