Still alive. Quick update on our short-term plans.

Almost three months since that last angsty post. Well, we got over that, and we're doing ok.

I recently went through an extremely difficult situation with my dad. Very long story short, I overcame that with A LOT of prayer from friends and support from Yubo. I felt really bad because Yubo felt so helpless. I told him I just needed him to continue praying for me and my family. Answered prayers all around.

So here's briefly where we're at now:

Work for Yubo continues to go downhill. He's starting to not enjoy his work anymore -- all the politics and what not within the company are starting to get to him. The plan is to get him down to Cali soon so he can take his test for his license. Still don't know when that will happen though as he's waiting to see what his best friend wants to do. They were planning to go take the test together. So that's still kind of up in the air.

Work for me has been increasingly irritating. I really like the majority of my customers, and they seem to like me too. But it's been difficult to deal with the change in managers and policies. Well, not really a change in policies. It's more that the new manager is trying to move us from the lax way of doing things we've been in to where we should have been in the first place. I am all for that, if only he would go about it in a more respectful way. It's sad that it seems not a single person likes this new manager, and despite not caring much for the old one, people miss him. I don't like this new manager because he talks to me like I'm an ignorant child, and if I ask him something that I think he should know but he doesn't, he simply brushes me off with authoritative arrogance.

Thankfully, I will only be there for another two months before I begin the attack on my final two quarters of school.

My decision to finally go back to school seriously is one of the things that has repaired a bit of my relationship with my dad. I'm trying very hard to not make it a "just to get him off my back" kind of thing. I really do want to finish school and at least get some sort of degree, even if it will just be an associate's. But depending on how things go, Yubo and I may actually go back down to Cali to take over the Northridge store and let my parents relax.

I'm still on the fence about the thought of moving back down. I really hate myself when I'm there.... but I need to grow up and be secure that it's not the place that makes me. Just being in Cali doesn't mean I have to revert back to the simple and sheltered child I was. I've grown a lot being here in WA. Who says I can't bring that with me no matter where I end up living, right?

Really, the biggest thing that would make me give up on just staying up here is Yubo's strong desire to be closer to his family. But our circular thinking holds us at a standstill. He wants me happy, and I want him happy. Geographically speaking, I'm happy up here, and he would be happier down there.

But I think we're just going to do things one step at a time. First thing to focus on is finishing school for me and getting his license for him. After that, we'll see where we want to go from there.

Sometimes it IS what you say.

The morning already didn't start off well. There were two things that needed to be done today: I needed to pick up a my bridesmaid dress up in Lynnwood, and Yubo needed to go back to Value Village to make an exchange. I woke Yubo up earlier than he wanted to, trying to get him to come up to Lynnwood with me. As usual, even though I really didn't need him to come with me, I just wanted his company. Well, he didn't care to give me his company, and the tension rose.

He eventually got out of bed, checking his radio because it had been beeping. Without a word, he threw on some pants, grabbed his keys and went outside. It took him a long time to come back in, so I finally decided to get out of bed myself. When I looked out the window to see what the weather was like, I saw that his truck was gone.

......I really hate when he leaves without saying anything to me.

So I thought I would rush to get myself ready and leave before he got home. Forget having him come run errands with me if he doesn't have the decency to let his wife know he's going somewhere. If he tried calling to find out where I was, I wouldn't answer the phone. He doesn't care to let me know where he is; why should I let him know where I am?

I was too slow, and he got home just as I finished brushing my teeth. Turned out they were paging him to recalibrate his gps, and so he had to drive around in circles. But still, he knew that before getting out of bed and didn't say anything, not thinking that his going outside first thing in the morning is one of my paranoia triggers. Even worse when he drives off.

"Oh, you're back," I said, flatly.

"Yup," he replied, unaffected.

Soon, he was on the phone with P.Nancy, discussing a reading he's going to do tomorrow after her message. He was dressed, ready to go wherever he was going to go. I waited for him to finish his call so I could ask him what the plans were for the day -- if we were going to run our errands separately. But his call didn't finish, and I was very hungry. I whispered to him, asking if he was actually coming with me. He nodded, and I offered to drive so he could continue to talk. He ignored my irritation, as he's become so good at doing over the years.

Things got better during the drive and as we settled on where to eat. We picked up my dress, then found a Value Village nearby so we wouldn't have to drive all the way back down to the one we knew in Kirkland. The mood started going sour again the longer we stayed there -- our opinions weren't matching up as far as costuming ideas for his character. Well, they sort of matched up, but after we found some suitable options, Yubo started getting fanciful and I was bursting his bubbles.

Our conversation during the drive home was about business options. My dad is still pretty set on having us take over one of the dollar stores because he wants to go off and do another thing... importing or something. Although I really don't want to be in that kind of business, Yubo was voicing how he wouldn't mind it. However, he wasn't so great at actually pointing out any benefits aside from less work for about the same amount of income. He talked about how something like that is already established and would be easy to train to take over, and he wouldn't have to work as hard or as long as he does now. He'd have more free time, he said. Well, more free time for what?

I've become cynical towards Yubo having more free time. Yes, he would have more free time, but it would be more free time to not spend with me. I know. I'm selfish and inconsiderate, but it does hurt me that with what little free time he has now, I'm nearly starving for his attention. His free time now is spent winding down from the work day or week. Any extra free time he gains is usually filled with something to do for church or other favors for friends, and then he's too tired to do anything with me. So I'm convinced that if he gained any more free time, he would simply add that to his alone time rather than put any more time towards us. And he hasn't convinced me otherwise.

We made it home, and conversation continued. He was still trying to explain to me how taking over the store might be a good idea. But somewhere near the end of his explanation of how we might just get stuck in this rut of him working so hard or even harder, he said, "...for as long as we're together."

Not, "for as long as we live," or, "until we both retire," which give a better indication of the lengthiness of our commitment to each other. "...for as long as we're together." Ugh! The subtext of those words! It seemed like there was a termination date to our relationship that might happen before we die. He didn't say it in any ominous way, or in any tone that showed any displeasure with me or us. Just that choice of words...

"That's a strange way to say it," I managed to say. And he continued to try to explain.

"I don't think you understand how I took that." I was fighting tears. What a dumb thing to cry about. Why was I taking it so hard?

He mumbled that he kind of understood how I might have heard it. As my first few tears fell, he walked out of the room. I heard him put the keys away, and then he went into the bathroom. I had my hands pressed against my eyes when he finally came back into the room. He asked if I was ok, and I didn't know how to answer. A moment passed, and he asked again.

"I'm just trying to convince myself that that wasn't some sort of Freudian slip."

"Well, it wasn't." He voice was defensive, almost angry. And he simply walked away again.

He didn't respond when I noted his anger aloud. When I went into the bathroom, he grabbed the keys again and drove off somewhere.

It was such a build up. The tension at the start of the day. The irritation with each other regarding our errands. My concern for my sister after my mom told me she and her partner of 7 years might split up. Feeling like Yubo was siding with my dad, trying to put me in a place I didn't want to be. And then those words.

We haven't resolved anything yet. I buried myself in a project, and he started playing his video game (a bit loudly). He was kind enough to pick up some dinner when I asked, but I stayed here in the office to eat. Didn't even look at him when he brought the food in.

It's easy to say that we're both probably overreacting to the situation. But this really does go deeper. It's my darn insecurity, and how I keep looking to him for reassurance, and how he rarely reassures me. I think my level of insecurity makes him doubt us. I might ask him that, actually. But I recognize how much of an insult to him my insecurity is. It indicates that he's not doing enough, that he's not good enough, and never will be because I remain insecure.

I really wish we could afford counseling. We try to talk on our own, but we don't get anywhere. We go around in circles, bringing up the same unresolved issues with no progress made towards any solutions.

Cat's out of the bag... or rather, the cage.

A few days ago, we decided to stop putting Chiyo in her cage at night. The decision seems to have worked out well. All three cats are still alive, and there are no noticeable battle wounds aside from random tufts of Chiyo's fur that Tifa has always been good at snagging. And those are sparse enough occurences to not be alarmed or concerned.

Hissing and the occasional yowl still happen, but not as frequently. Tifa still doesn't know how to back off, despite her earlier injury. However, Chiyo is now chasing back instead of simply cowering and hissing and yowling from her scrunch up position in a corner.

So it's very encouraging to us that one of these days, everyone will be able to get along peacefully.

One funny thing that has come out of this is Chiyo has learned to close the bathroom door to avoid Ellie and Tifa. Unfortunately, she has yet to learn how to open the door to let herself out.

I was out to Karen's for a few hours and came home to find the bathroom door closed.

To avoid that, we try to remember to close the door. She loses a hiding/play area, but she won't get trapped while we're not home.

Most likely due to Chiyo's newfound freedom, Tifa has grown in her angst and neediness. I try my best to give her more attention and affection, but there are times when that simply isn't enough for her. Unfortunately, our sofa has gotten the brunt of her angst, and I have contacted someone to get an estimate to get rid of her urine.

With these three, I feel I won't want a child until all three pass, or until by some miracle I feel comfortable enough to have a child with an overly-needy cat and a cat that scratches and bites (Ellie saves us from insanity, I think). Considering that they're only about 4 or 5 now, I wonder if children will ever come back into the picture. Well, we'll see.

Dirty Mouth.

Yes, we swap spit and share other bodily fluids, but there are some things that I simply do not want to share.

Like my toothbrush.

There have been times when Yubo would mistakenly use my toothbrush, despite having a perfectly good one of his own. Yes, honey. Yours is the blue one, your favorite color, not the pink or green one. So when I find that he has used my toothbrush instead of his own, I get immensely grossed out, and have to get myself a new one.

I'm the same about our water pik and Sonicare toothbrushes. Mine is the green one. His is the blue one. If I happen to have left my green one on, he'll simply use it instead of switching it out for his blue one. And then I have to rinse it in hot water and Listerine. Well, not the Sonicare brushes. Thankfully we have that UV cleaner thing.

On a side know, I'm sure you're wondering, If we have super cool Sonicare toothbrushes, why am I going off on regular toothbrushes? Because sometimes I just want to brush my teeth in a normal fashion, sans vibrations.

Anyhow, there's just something about morning germs that really turn me off, and for whatever reason, Yubo refuses to accomodate me on that. He would still want a morning kiss (before brushing) if I didn't fight him so hard about it. My own morning breath grosses me out, so you can imagine how disgusted I would be about someone else's. Yes, he's my husband. Yes, I love him no matter what. But loving him as close to unconditionally as I humanly can does not mean I have to lick up the bacteria that accumulated in his mouth overnight during his open-mouth snoring.

I know I'm not the only one that hates morning breath. Look at that scene from Pretty Woman.

Well then, that concludes my rant for the morning. Now I will add a new toothbrush to my shopping list for the week.

Mmm... Finances.

As with many couples out there, we have found ourselves in a tight financial situation. Perhaps one of our worst to date. I haven't scheduled our mortgage payment yet because I'm scared to see our bank account empty. Yubo says we should actually be ok for this month, but he's quite concerned about next month.

Despite plumbing being a seemingly recession-proof business, Yubo's job is hurting pretty bad. :(

My job hunt has been fruitless so far. I am quite hopeful for these last two positions I interviewed for, but I won't hear any news until the end of this week, perhaps. But I continue to apply to places. If nothing comes of this week, I will start applying to fast food places and other very entry-level positions. My fear is that even these places won't want me, though.

The upside to our situation is that I've finally been able to sit down with Yubo to discuss seriously financial matters. I listed out our monthly bills with their balances and monthly payments in an Excel sheet, and we figured out what we can cut if we really need to.... which unfortunately, wasn't much.

At this point, our next order of business is to cancel our television and land line. Then we're taking a more serious look at our eating habits.

Last night, I made a dinner plan for this coming week, and we were able to purchase what we needed to fulfill the plan for under $20. I'm hoping to be able to keep this up each week, and if we can stay under $20 for the week for dinners, that will help us save a lot. The other big thing, though, is how Yubo eats when he's working. At some point I will have to figure into the grocery shopping things to pack for him for snacks and lunch, and hopefully he will be content with that and not go off to fast food instead. I'm just concerned about food safety, so I'll have to find things that can be eaten cold or just don't have to be refrigerated or something. Too bad Yubo can't have peanut butter. :/

We're scared to get to a point to have to ask for help. Well, not that we're scared. There are just some things keeping us from wanting to. For myself, I don't really want to have to sit through, "If you just took your school seriously like I told you, and got your degree by now, you wouldn't be in this situation." Yubo also doesn't want me to have to endure that, especially since I tell him that if we went to my parents, the blame would be on me because they know just how hard he works. I'm probably just a lazy mooch to everyone in the world at this point. And Yubo, being the awesome son that he is, simply doesn't want to go to his parents because they've already given us so much, and I agree with that.

So we're just doing our best right now to cut down on monthly costs; I'm continuing to job hunt and try to be a better housewife; Yubo's working as hard as he can as usual. I'm thankful that we don't argue about what's going on. There's been some tension, but we both recognize the situation and are doing what we can to get through it together. That's probably what's really keeping me from curling up into a ball in the corner and crying every day. Yubo continues to love me and support us during this difficult time, and even though I am so unworthy of him, he still wants to be with me.

Kissing Report.

Well, we're about 1.5 weeks into the kissing challenge. I suppose it's not accurate to say it's a challenge, though.

There have been times when we forgot, but we were always happy to make up for it the next day.

It hasn't worked any miracles, but I do find myself more willing to make up with him after a misunderstanding or frustration, or simply to not hold onto any negative feelings as long as I used to. At the very least, I would have to let go of bad feelings before bed, as that's the latest we would share a kiss.

And yes, there have been upsets even though it's only been a bit over a week. :P

There are also times when I've thought, Ok, we've already had our kiss for today, before realizing that we didn't limit it to one kiss a day. It was at least one kiss per day, and then I'd feel a little bad for feeling that I wanted to limit it to just the single one.

I think we need to change it up a bit, though. It's become more of a "good night" kiss, which has mostly just been a peck rather than a good kiss. And the thing about it is he's been the one initiating the kiss right before sleeping. So I'm going to have to take the initiative more often if I think we need something earlier in the day. It's just been so difficult because he doesn't usually present himself in a way that I would want to kiss him.

He's either stinking of morning breath, or he's covered in who knows what when he comes home from work, or a fabulous combination of both. So do I ask him to make himself more kiss-friendly? Or do I get over my morning hygiene issues?

The thing about morning breath, though, is that I see it as being just as disgusting as cigarette breath. It's nothing I want to have to taste and endure just to have a kiss, and it certainly doesn't help me enjoy a kiss, which then makes a kiss more of a chore than anything else.

....ok. I think I've come to my conclusion. ^^;;

Kissing.

This might be TMI (too much information) for some of you, but if you're scared or put off by my honesty, you probably shouldn't be reading any blog written by me to begin with. :P Just saying.

I'll also put it out there that I'm still frustrated to feel like I don't have any Christian friends to go to about topics like intimacy. All the friends that I am comfortable talking to about sex (and when we talk about it, we really talk about it) aren't Christian.

Anyway...

It might already be pretty well known that Yubo and I don't kiss very often. It was the smoking that initially got me to stop wanting to get my face anywhere near his face, much less actually make any contact. In fact, I let his smoking steal away a lot of our intimacy. I stopped wanting to hug or hold him, or even hold his hand, and the distance at which I walked from him grew.

Back to the kissing though. At some point, aside from the smoking, I discovered that Yubo doesn't always get around to brushing his teeth in the morning. I can't stand my own morning breath, so that made locking lips with him even more disgusting to me.

Between the brushing and the smoking, it started to feel like he was doing it on purpose. I began to feel like he actually didn't want to kiss me. So I thought, Well, fine. I don't want to kiss you either.

Definitely not true. Especially during what I would call an intimacy drought. My hands literally ache to touch him, and my lips yearn for contact. And yet I let all sorts of things continue to get in the way of satisfying my desire for him. And our relationship suffers for that. Because I let things get in the way, or refuse his advances over stupid things, he feels rejected and unloved. Physical touch is one of his primary love languages, and I am ashamed that even when I actually want to speak it, I don't.

There are many mornings when I wake up alone in bed because Yubo's gone off to work already, and I can't help but fantasize about him (and this doesn't always include a sexual encounter, by the way). Often I will think back to when we were first dating, or make up scenarios of first meetings. The first thing that always happens in the fantasy is kissing -- the kind of kissing where it's all anticipation and passion and hearts fluttering, and you break from it breathless, feeling shy as you try to hide just how much you enjoyed it.

As I finished this morning's first date fantasy, I thought about why I fantasize about kissing so much but don't do much of it in real life. My curiosity led me to this article.

Of course, as I explained earlier, our kissing was minimized well before we got married. And I mourn the lost time, and deeply regret the damage I've done to us.

I just proposed to Yubo an experiment: that we have a good kiss at least once a day, with no option for refusal. The difficult part for me would be to receive a kiss before he's brushed his teeth in the morning. The nice part is that it frees me to be able to kiss him when I want to, without my fears that he would reject me for whatever reason.

The unspoken exception would be when it's simply not safe to kiss him, like when he returns home covered in dirt or mud or fiberglass, or his worst, sewage (oh, the joys of plumbing).

So we will see how this goes. I am encouraged by the article, and I'm hoping that I will let this work for us. ^^;;;