Passing fancies.

I'm having a bit of an issue with how little Yubo is contributing to this blog. On top of that, we decided to try out this WeddingTracker website, but he would rather watch CSI episodes and the first Matrix movie than help me design and fill out this website.

He understands that I can't help but see this blog and website as more tangible proof of how much he cares about us and our relationship and the wedding and blah blah blah. However, he can't seem to keep himself from being too tired to do things with me, which in turn makes me insecure about how invested he really is.

I know. That's a whole lot of typical cliché crap. And I hate that I feel that way, but I can't ignore that I do.

He's aware of all this; I know he is. But it seems like there's something in him that just makes him refuse to do anything about it. I find myself becoming a nag, and I don't want that because I know that will make him not want to do something more. (I sure hope that sentence makes sense.)

I think I mentioned this before that he's always so full of ideas and inspiration. He's the dreamer in the relationship. But because of that, he never really sees anything through. Another idea will distract him from the first. I just want to figure out a way to help keep him motivated enough to actually stick to and complete a project.

He told me once that it's so difficult for him to bounce ideas off me. Rarely do I take the time to indulge in an idea if I don't think it'll come to fruition. The only things like that that I return to are really dumb "brilliant invention" jokes, like a salt shaker at the front of a car to help deice the road. Otherwise, I find it a waste of time to let my imagination run wild. I like being creative within boundaries and limitations. I like knowing how far I can go because it helps me focus.

Yubo despises boundaries and limitations. He likes to think of all possibilities, and then narrow it down. So when he starts going off on an idea with me, I try to figure out the details to see if it will really work. Oftentimes, I end up bursting his bubble. He gets so excited about things, and so he's come to fear that talking to me will make him realize that the thing he's so excited about won't work. He likes to keep himself in that dreaming state for as long as possible before I grab his leg and slam him down into reality. It makes me feel horrible. I don't like doing that to him. This is yet another area where we really need to learn how to compromise and work to balance each other.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is he went along with these ideas of the blog and the website. He seemed excited about it, but won't commit to really making it reality. So of course I take it that 10million steps further in my mind and think that he's super excited at the idea of us getting married... so what happens when the day arrives for it to become reality?

He doesn't do much to calm these insecurities of mine. I understand the fear of failure that most men experience. I have that same fear almost at the level of men. It's not like I'm trying to set him up to expose any inadequacies, but I need to see him trying. And I try to reassure him that I don't really expect him to get it right the first time.... but just because there may be some mistakes in the first couple of tries, I want him to keep trying. Sometimes he gives up too easily, and I guess I'm scared that one of these days he'll give up on me... and on us. He says he'd fight for me, but I have yet to believe him.

I need to know that I'm real to him, and that our relationship and our upcoming marriage isn't just a good idea in his head. When I talk to him about stuff like this, it seems to paralyze him. He doesn't know what to think or do. It almost makes me feel bad about wanting to marry him. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking his life away, that he'd be so much better off and happier as a real bachelor. He's never had that... living single in his own bachelor pad, having the guys over for a couple beers to watch a fight or sports or play video games, a place all to himself where he can relax and do whatever he wants. It makes me think that maybe I should move out for real until the wedding. Then it's my own fear that keeps me here at home.

::sigh:: What a mess we are.

Sorry for what I think was a great big tangent. I don't think that was what I was originally planning to write about. =P

Getting into shape.

I've been talking to Yubo about me getting a personal trainer to help me get in shape for the wedding, and for my overall health in general.

Instead, we ended up getting both Wii Fit and EA Sports Active. I tried Wii Fit on my own. The beginner level is already hard for me. =/ Yeesh. I never realized that it was so difficult to balance. @.@;; But the games are fun. I really like hula hooping. I had Batman and Chuck Norris (some of the Mii's we have) tossing more hula hoops at me.

We just finished a session on Active. Man! That thing killed me!! But it's cool that we can use this to work out together. It really helps having him there alongside me even though he doesn't really need the workout himself.

Also, our Magic Bullet came today. I already blended up some frozen strawberries with vanilla Silk and agave nectar. It wasn't as yummy as I'd hoped because the strawberries already lost a lot of flavor being frozen since last season. After dinner, we stopped by QFC to get more stuff for me to blend. I made fresh strawberries with raspberries, cucumber, vanilla yogurt, vanilla Silk, and some agave nectar. After making them, I stuck the cups in the fridge to chill while we worked out. Really yummy, and a great way to end the night.

We've got lots of other fruits and veggies for me to blend together. I'm actually really excited to try out more stuff. ^_^ We'll see how long this excitement lasts. =P

Dress. Website. Soundtrack.

Dress
A girl posted on a message board on Weddingbook (on Facebook) that she was going to get her dress custom-made for a few reasons, one being that she has scoliosis. I thought that was genius. Because of my scoliosis, clothes often just don't fit well and aren't as flattering as they would be on a normal person. I've fussed many times with uneven hemlines and fabric twisting awkwardly on my torso making side seams warp. I remember one of my favorite tanks; it was tight-fitting (back when I didn't worry about strange bulges), but the material stretched to conform my body. Eventually, the whole garment was simply twisted as it hung on a hanger. Also, having a shorter torso than most (I think) and a sway back causes fabric to bunch up awkwardly where it normally wouldn't on other bodies.

Considering these frustrations and how it's every girl's dream to look absolutely fabulous and stunning on her big day, I'm really considering getting a dress custom-made.

I was originally thinking that I'd probably just rent some dresses for the big day (I would need a white gown and a dress for the reception). Problem with that is the availability of dresses is always changing, and the selection can be quite limited. Since it's so difficult to find anything that really works well with my body, I'm not sure if I want the stress that will likely come with all that. So something to discuss with my mom.

Website
Two good friends of ours from church, Malia and Jeff, got engaged soon after we did our Chinese engagement. They're getting married in June in Hawaii. They set up a website to give guests all sorts of information about the wedding and other events (showers, bachelor/ette parties, etc). Also allows guests to RSVP online, and has all sorts of other features too. They went through WeddingTracker.com, where the package is $60 for a year. (Although I guess there's a promotion to get 50% off.)

It sounds like a great idea. Obviously we have the Weddingbook on Facebook, but that seems to only be open to other Facebook users. I found something similar on eWedding.com, but to get all those same features would be about the same price but only for 6 months. So I guess if that promo code still works, that might be the way to go.

I like the idea of having all the necessary information easily accessible on a website. I also like the online RSVP. Saves the cost of stamps and wasted paper. Something to talk to Yubo about. He'll probably go for it, since I'll be the one maintaining it. I mean... I squeezed out that initial blog post from him, but I'm not sure if he's ever going to write another entry. =/

Soundtrack
The thought of creating our wedding soundtrack is exciting to me. It's like putting music to a movie (not that I really have any experience with that). I know I mentioned something similar as an idea for a wedding favor, but I think this would really just be for us. It'd be great to have this CD compilation of all the music we use on our day, and so far it's fun looking for music.

I'm having to research to see when music would really be needed. I figured it was just the walking down the aisle and leaving the church, and then whatever music at the reception. Apparently there's quite a bit more to it, although I know it's not mandatory or anything like that.

But anyway, we're already collecting some good songs. One that I recently heard on the radio was actually really fitting for us, but not one we'd use as our first dance song (and I think the first dance song really will be limited to what our friends write). The song is "You Dance" by eastmountainsouth. It's such a pretty song, and I'm thinking I'd like to have it playing as our processional song.

I promised Aki that I would try my best to have the String Quartet version of "Sugar, We're Going Down". I think I'd like to hear it as people are arriving at the church and mingling. Seems like that's where it'd fit the best.

Hmm... I guess that's really all I have for this update. So now I'm just waiting for Yubo to get home cuz we wanted to go to GameStop today.

Restaurant Secured.

Just wanted to update that my mom told me my dad secured the restaurant. So here's hoping (and praying) that we can get a church for that date. I wonder if I should start calling churches before visiting, or see if any arrangements need to be made for visiting. Or perhaps I should ask Yubo's parents to pre-visit churches...?

Also, a fun fact that I remembered while reading the previous posts: If a winter wedding were possible, we were considering January 9th so we wouldn't have to remember a new date. If we did that, we would have shared our anniversary with his parents.

Another Wedding Idea.

We were thinking about how people have videos or picture slideshows about how the couple got together or whatever. We thought it'd be really neat to have one or both of his cousins (Chiemi and Miyeko -- I think that's how they spell it) create a manga version of that for us to have at each table for people to read if they wish.

On that note, we want our cake topper to be anime/manga versions of us drawn in milk chocolate on a sheet of white chocolate. ^_^

Recovering and Learning.

So the deadline thing about updating was missed, and yet here's an update. The deadline was actually his request; he says he works better with deadlines... it helps him figure out just how long he can procrastinate. But then he requested to just keep this blog up. I suppose a part of me thinks continuing with it will be helpful for us. The whole point for me was so we had something to look back on from time to time. And writing those first few entries were fun... I got to revisit those fun memories.

There are times when I get so upset that I simply forget how I ever was attracted to him in the first place. I was asked by someone how I knew Yubo was the one I wanted to marry. I replied with something along the lines of, "I get frustrated with him a lot, but when I just get over myself and see past the frustration, I know that God made him to be my provision." He's someone that I simply need in my life. When I'm angry, irritated, frustrated, etc, it's very easy to forget that. I think the key is to be able to remember during hard times.

Yes, there are things that we haven't figured out yet. But we always recover from our fights and step into a stronger relationship with each other. I've learned to let him know calmly when I need to cool off, or when I'm not in the proper mindset to talk with him. When I actually put that into practice, we both come out better. It helps me to understand the situation better, and it helps him to gather his thoughts to present them in a more coherent manner. Makes it easier to actually work through our problems and get closer to a solution.

It's exciting to think that we're slowly but surely evolving past our cold war ways. I'm learning to not hold onto a grudge for days at a time. He's learning to actually talk to me during a tense situation instead of bottling up, which made things worse for me. Of course we have our moments of slipping into our old ways, but I do think we're getting better about it.

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The Story
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This is kind of what sparked the previous entry and Sunday's entry. I don't think this is a necessary read, so if you don't care for my extensive explanations of situations and rants you're welcome to stop reading this entry now. =)

I had quite a blow up last Saturday night. We had just spent an awesome day hanging out and shopping for new clothes for him. On the way home, Archie called me -- it was past 1:00a her time, so I figured it was something important. I wanted to be able to give her as much of my undistracted time as she needed, so that made me want to stay home instead of go to Julie's as I had originally planned for that night.

I was expecting to stay up until at least 12:00a or so talking with her. When I sleep at Julie's, I try to wake up at 9:00a to get home by 9:30a and finish getting ready by 10:00a so we have lots of time to get breakfast. Since Yubo had slept perhaps an hour in the last day, I didn't expect him to wake up and be ready by 10:00a (which is our deal if he wants to get breakfast before church). So I was also trying to prepare myself for having to wake him up (which takes about half an hour, which means I would've had to wake up even earlier).

I told Archie I'd call her back because I was driving (at night without bluetooth). When we got home and I mentioned my intention to Yubo, he threw me some attitude. I was getting ready to put my phone on it's charger and set myself up in the living room for a good talk. When he started asking me why I was paying $300 for a room at Julie's, that pushed me over the edge. Reason was that I didn't feel like I was trying to find excuses to stay home. Every time I do stay home, I feel my reasoning is valid (usually I'm too tired, or sick, or both -- which has been the case since we got back from the church retreat).

Really, he was right. I shouldn't have tried to stay home. But a few days earlier, we had a similar spat. That coupled with how unaware he is about his tone sometimes made me snap. I threw my charger to the ground, barked, "Fine, I'll go!" and slammed the door on my way out.

I set up my bluetooth and called Archie back. Talked to her as I drove, and stayed in the car when I got to Julie's to finish our conversation. The walls in Julie's house are kinda thin, so I didn't want to be inconsiderate to anyone sleeping. Ended the call around 11:30p cuz she needed to get to sleep. I got to vent a little bit to her. Unfortunately, I still didn't get to sleep until around 3:30a because Julie's youngest and his gf were in the room next door talking nearly full voice until about 3:00a. Speaking of being inconsiderate of those that may be sleeping.

So that made Sunday a tough day.... moreso than usual. I didn't arrive home until 10a that morning. Of course, Yubo was still sleeping. We didn't leave until 10:30a. I didn't even want to fight about breakfast, so we got breakfast and were late to church.

We were able to talk about what happened, and I think we've moved on from it. I don't really think it'll get any easier from now on, but I think now we have a better idea of how to better handle any similar situations.

Conflict Management.

Mochi's version.
From where I stand, conflict management is non-existent in our relationship.

I'll be honest that I've been having a very difficult time letting go of past hurts, especially with recurring ones. I feel like all we do is talk... or really, all I do is talk... and nothing happens to resolve things. I also feel like Yubo isn't really meeting me to make any resolutions. I know that I can only do so much on my part, but since I don't feel like he's doing much on his I find myself wanting to control him -- to force him to sit down and solve this problem with me when he may need more time.

Of course, a rather big issue is my lack of trust in him. I feel like even if I try to give him the time he needs to think about something, I fear it'll actually slip his mind and that he really isn't thinking about the issue at all.

In this relationship, I have to deal with why I hate group projects. I guess that's kind of my view on life and relationships. They are an ongoing project. Unfortunately, I can't help but feel I have a slacker as a partner. And I'm not saying that's really true, but it sure does feel like it sometimes. Despite understanding that it's ok to be different, and that God made us to balance each other out, there are too many times where I forget that. Those are the times, like now, where I really start to wonder about how well we will work out.

Don't get me wrong. I love Yubo. I really do. I just can't get past these emotional hang ups. This is where I really need the Lord's help, and Yubo's help.

I felt like today's message in church was all for me. Pastor Wayne was talking about good and bad relationships. An acronym that he used for bad relationships was CURSE.... talking about curseful relationships.

Controlling
Unforgiving
Reactive
Shaming
Ego-centric... or something like that. Fancy word for "selfish," he said.

I know I can be controlling. Something I've been struggling with since it dawned on me how controlling I can be.

I'm still holding on to past hurts, like I said earlier. There are a lot of things that I haven't forgiven.

Reactive is kind of like eye for an eye. He has to love me first before I can love him. If he hurts me, I hurt him back. I've talked to Yubo about this when we were studying Love Languages and love tanks. Considering love tanks, I'm usually running low or empty because he doesn't love me in my primary language enough.

Shaming is another way to control. I've been told (by J and Yubo) that I am really good at making people feel bad.

And I do find that I can be awfully selfish, as if the problems in our relationship are only affecting me. I honestly do feel like that sometimes, especially when he shuts down. I get the impression that he just doesn't want to deal with me, rather than he might be hurting also.

So I can recognize all these things. I'm really good at pointing out problems. Overcoming them is a whole other thing because he needs to be beside me in all of this, and I feel a little abandoned when it comes to problem-solving. It's just that we're so different when it comes to conflict. He runs from it, and I'm chasing after him with demands to solve it.

I pray we can come to a happy medium more often in our relationship than not. I pray we can get over ourselves and keep Christ at the center, and step up to the roles that God has laid out for us.

I don't know if his version is going to come for this. I gave him until tomorrow night to write his first entry before this blog gets left alone. I figure if you guys still want to get only my side of things, visit my dj once in a while.